Some old jottings

'There are two ways of writing,' " one of my favs Wodehouse had written. One of these is " 'a sort of musical comedy without music and ignoring real life altogether; the other is going right deep down into life and not caring a damn.' "

I sure started off the second way.....but some where deep down i seem to be so fed up ive graduated to the first one these days.I find life one sick comedy.

Another of those things i picked up from my old jottings...........
i find it amazingly funny to read now as i will find the whole of my blog one day i know.....cant beleive how numbed life makes you slowly.It was written i guess with lot of pain and now i guess about it what a joke...........................

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Can you run run fast run away
from this maddening place
this chilling fear this hopeless life
this frustrating fight
this writhing heart this troubled soul
how to run where to run from this world
of right and wrongs silks and gold
i used to run to my dreams blue skies fragrant air
vast encompassing life in bright eyes
hearty smiles in hope's own world
but they woke me up to this bonded ugly world
where there was no place to dream of freedom
to wish for those small cherished smile
to feel love simply love without the bonds
and the rights to feel the breeze brushing your tangled air
to laugh at your folishness
to love all crazy things
they all fought me to make me give up my wish
my beleif that my dreams would come true someday
sometime the weary mind sought peace and gave up
but did it find peace
the heart chose to be foolish but then it doesn't have eyes ears.
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Some Nonsensical drama this is...............

Well its hard sometimes to be so very much a part of a drama and yet be outside it.This is very badly written because the manipulation involved here are so hard to capture in my mind leave alone in writing.

One fine day last month my friend and teammate V decided anough is enough i will change my job and being the quite well qualified and clever and skilled gal she is she was snapped up real   fast and offered a nice package with almost 130% hike....with only one glitch ...... come soon 2 months is not feasible for us to wait but the way things are here she was no way going to be given the releiving letter.
Well anyway the resignation itself was dramatic.After being asked to be patient for almost 5 to 6 months she was given a new project a day before she got her new job i.e on Friday.Monday morning she had to join and she took off on Friday saying she's sick.
She came in Monday and our TL with the same concern dripping face asked so hru ...u've to join the new project and got the reply...
"hmm yeah im fine btw did u check ur mail i sent u my resignation letter".
TL's face was drained...oh i missed that.
Now i knew this since the day this started Round 1 to the offer letter i knew of.....and from the other side i knew of how they were planning to move her.Ah to keep quiet..........its so hard....when people go on and on about plans that i know will be dashed.
It shocked enough people and worried more because they knew of our group the coffee room group which eats together leaves together and may leave the company together.Every call on my cell i am viewed with suspicion.

And then started V's torture meetings with TL and PL(every resignee in my organization is subjected to this).What went wrong...Why ...Why..Why...and being the brash fresher she is she spoke all her heart out.Remember wht u said "Did i say that" when i asked u said "ull give me appraisal in the next few months " so you may say anything  how can i beleive you?

Its very hard to tell these young people not to get personal but then for them TL was the one who denied them good projects and a better appraisal and this was the moment they were waiting for.Only when she quoted her CTC did they become a bit quite but still they feel they are the wronged party.They want Loyalty Gosh whatever for......this is profession ...business.

V was told it seems " I will not accept"( Huh are we bonded labor here).
Now i discuss the whole thing so loudly and its like strange no one is yet telling of  it. I mean literally this whole thing was carried out from my System comfortably at the safe end row...i reviewed the resignation whose template was provided by a previous guy who resigned. before it was sent....hmm strange life.
We often joke lets put the Resignation Template also in the source safe repository.

Two days later the next girl in our group P was called and asked are you looking out ...she was more forthright "yes i am" and then at EOD put in her papers.Now it is like we know who's next even though i am not looking actively i am being suspected.The PL put it all on TL ..they dont like the TL so  they are leaving ...dont know why they dont come and tell me .HUh talk of finding Scapegoats.

Now all this is a boring diary.The troubling part started next.....After the shock was absorbed they though why not renegotiate and hence one friend of each was called and i was among then.

TL:See i want a personal help.You see P is leaving to a small company which is not needed
we may be able to give her a better opportunity here too
Me: Ah well see at this stage of their career they dont think of growth they like to learn maximum, earn maximum .
TL:Well then you could explain that P i have seen more of life(Now if she heard that what i tell P in general not that they need it but somehow i am being used very well as a pep up person by my dear young friends...not that they dont encourage me any less to be next in line).If i tell it will be like a boss thing...you explain.
Me: Ok i'll try... ask P to think and renegotiate with you ppl.
TL: do you really think we pay that low.I for one am not into changing companies.As far as V is concerned i am very upset.I had given her such good opportunities....
Me: Umm....
TL: Look at S group ...they work so well
Me :You really think they'll stay on( I felt like laughing....i could not stop myself..........Wait till their bond is over and  they'll show you their true colours) Remember me in Jan...what i said.really i pity some people.

( I knew S's group works really well and enthu all that but dear oh dear they have an appraisal in August and  abond till december...uske baad dekho...In fact S is the guy who reports to me...i told him see you have a very good impression with management and he smiled and said wait by Jan who pays more we'll be there no sentiments...thats how open they are....sad part is the mangement refuses to understand the fact that money is one hell of a issue next being technology.
Very few of the fresh 1 or 2 yrs exp people are interested in proces process hangover my TL has.They persuade you to tell the problem...when i tell them its due to money they say nah its due to peer pressure.)

Me: "Its not peer pressure way you think...its more like this everyone has a friend in every company and knows the salary levels and hence wants to be on par.Also when 2 people of same calibre join and one gets chance to work on 10 to 12 diverse projects and one is stuck in one no wonder peer pressure comes in.Peer pressure is not one person forcing other to leave."(Ofcourse i know management refuses to understand this because next day V was called in and told check your behavior dont encourage other to leave...good lord)

Next day when i spoke to P she's like cool yaar ......you've bought me time ....now i will try some more jobs as i dont want to take back my resignation.....somehow even if they pay...i am sick of these people.

Well i dont know what to say.....people dont change much ....all companies have many similar leads mostly and that some how the irony of life which i cant explain to these hopefuls but yeah one thing is sure if for the same suffereing someone's paying you double why not go..............

And then what about me...........I wish i knew....I want to leave but where to...i have a blanks in past which is not a great advertisement on a resume for a big company and do i have to leave just to get into  a small company...i mean i've just been having a bit of relaxed time here now.

Its all a question between being comfortable and being out of the comfort zone.Both seem appealing at various times of  the day.....I wish i knew where i'll end up.To add to my confusion ....of the endless astrologers my mom goes to quite some said i'll be no good as an employee .... her hand suggests business.........now while that sounds fine i cant think of any damn one business i'd start..and i being so lazy at initiating anything.....

 

A Maze of thoughts

The last few days were like a whirlwind....of so many things...that put thoughts in my head...most of which seem lost.

I am no Soccer fan ...i dont watch it...yeah i am more a fanatic of the eleven idiots game and enjoy Tennis but not soccer but that Zidane incident really got me thinking soo much about stuff like why some things affect us more than other things....since childhood.
Its amazing why we think quiet people are calm controlled and all that.I mean i think the quieter you are the more rage you have hidden inside which is all the more harder to control and may spill over at the worst possible time.

Also i thought how you never get over your childhood hurts and past.The pain and troubles you suffer when an adult i guess is just that a pain.It is the hurts that you felt deeply when a child that remain and manifest in strange ways.They somehow never go away.

I always think a a happy childhood often makes people more happy life long rather than all the best things earned later in life.Because sometimes while people may succeed by hard work /chance or what not if they have had a hard childhood while they may eulogize to the world about their growth and acheivement from such pain, poverty....that hurt that pain never goes away deep at heart.Success is satisfaction...success is a slap in the face of all who called you a failure....success is acheivement but it is not happiness i guess.

But if you lived a happy chilhood life and the if you are a failure too later in your life all your life you have those innocent happy memories which will keep you smiling always looking back....however sad life may be today.Those memories never fade...in fact we simply add more to them just to make them more perfect i guess.Yeah they are the wastrels who dont acheive anything or give anything to this world i guess but they live in their facade of past happiness...

Its like that sweet song from Phir teri kahani yaad aayi

Aane wala kal ek sapna hai
Guzra hua kal bas apna hai
hum guzre kal me rehte hai
yaddon ke sab jugnu......

Then there were the Mumbai blasts.Well you read of blasts see them everyday and somehow they seem far from you.But these i think affected the people who think they wont be affected ......much.yes the upper middle class.most who died and were injured i guess were them.

I found it so strange and politically perfect statements in all channels and all over the papers they keep saying how resilient we are and so on and so forth....well what do you expect.what else will they do that will not be worse.
As Frost said it "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

That 6 million people will stop living for 250 people.It seems harsh but that sadly is life .There's no other way.Most Indians live like that.....thats why probably we dont need as many pschychatrists as people in US need after any traumatic incident.We are used to the cruelty of life without needing blasts and terrorists.We live by that great law we named as Karma......

That city though has many faces......and it truly represents the eccentric mix called India.

The same people who save you one day risking all kill the other day.'Maximum City' by Suketu Mehta surely captured it beautifully to some extent and i liked that book.I just could not find its ebook now that ive returned it to the Library.
If all such mixed reflections were not enough there was high voltage tit for tat drama on at my office which left me in strange moodI am posting that seperately.

Of No Solace

But, there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart's best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish,
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.

This is a part of a really sweet poem called Evening Solace i had copied to my book some time ago.
It actually is so very true what we make such mountains of today.........................we do not consider it worth all the fuss as time moves on....or sometimes time numbs us so much that we just remember what passion it used to arouse at some time....but cant feel it anymore.

I really cant beleive what i used to get moist eyed about those days ....... even these days....actually.I once was almost in tears cause my mom pulled out a favorite plant laden with flowers with a small axe.I never seemed in a mood to forgive her for being so inconsiderate....and now i live in such a barren world and try not to see anything...that reminds me of my past home.
She hated our watching TV those days.......and considered it one invention which would ruin us ....................which she loves now and we hate it.

Sometimes you seem lost and ask yourself what you really want or at the worst do you want ....or you just want all this to end all this wanting and such nonsense......

I guess i almost get everything i want but by the time i get it somewhere down the line it loses its value and power it had of bringing that joy.I did not have a job for long.......by the time i got one it was like a job something to close that issue...it did not bring any joy.Then i thought of getting a bit more of a decent job ..i got it afte some time and yet by that time it was a norm.......and now i have decent job but nothing really great about it....everyone has a better........
I guess it is the same for everyone of us.
My sis's chairman had once once told her reminiscing about the way he built his business when i wanted 1 lakh i had 10000...when i wanted 10 lakhs i had 1 lakh and when i want 1 crore i have 10 lakhs.....its not that money could not be earned its just that its never what you want at any given point of time.

What i hate is the time it takes to get what i want takes away any wish i have left for it.I almost always get things after after i give up on them.Time steals like none.......I cant beleive i used to count every rupee spent to go by bus and internet was so expensive....and now i have it all over the place but no time really and its being there 24x7 is not as useful as it once would have been.

I always chat my friends when i had the whole time in the world to travel and shop selectively haggling and and learn some hobbies all that and this that i had no money..............when i have money i can spend i have no time .........so you just take whats easier.After some time again may be i'll slowly gain that time and comfort but then again money would have its own everyday needs and responsibilities.

But as they say Life is not fair and better get used to it......hmm tryin to...once used to like fighting it now just letting it be.......dont really think its worth all that helluva fight.
Life has remained just that..................a long headache on a noisy street.

P.S: As much as i hate Ekta Kapoor's serials(no i dont hate her...i think she's one helluva smart woman making dumb people pay for her nonsense)............I guess she's not that way off the mark about the the great indian family.I saw proof of it very badly.
We live in a house where the owners stay above and downstairs we saty and beside us stay the owners' brother(sick character who wud be described in some other post) and his wife.This brother basically is a parasite who does some business od knows what and has no qualms about it .The owner a hard working slogging employee brought a brand new Red car and was so excited as he showed it to us.Next morning we saw it scratched in the front completely and only one person could have done that as it was parked right in front of the brother's door....the sister in law....as no one else visited the place not even the servants. We were like shocked honestly....No wonder Ekta Kapoor reigns.

Health is wealth.....yeah yeah

I might fall sick on Monday that was my last line to a friend on Friday with a twisted smile.....My life and its vagaries go like this.
I did not go to office on Monday....and i did fall sick on Monday with a bad throat and severe headache.......and no friends from office bothered to disturb me assuming that i was relaxing off a long weekend as they only knew.......So when my lead ....damn they dont know how to put it simply said i was really sick esp since i was advised to visit a doc as the symptoms could be of some epidemic around......i actually got scared.So i wasted half of my hard earned leave at a doc's place and did i curse as i waited there.
There were only 3 patients before me.....this is a homeo doc man ....i was like why you need 1 hr nearly for a patient......Finally when i did go in the man i thought i by mistake had visited a psychatrist.
Questions were
Any history of depression.....No i say (no history its always in present i guess).Are you open or secretive.....I decided to be a honest here...hmm a bit secretive.Do you like cold weather.Do you like being alone or having company.Do you take things easy or worry .......(if i took things easy i'd not be here )
The below though were my favs esp since he had seen me waiting in lobby with a real bitter face.
Do you get irritated fast....nah but umm a bit(Do you still need an answer)Do you get angry easily.....Yes but i control it well(I already am very angry with all this)
The funny part is this homeo hospital has a certificate hung thereMicrosoft certified ......signed by bill gates.
Soo funny...then he takes a snap from webcam for records......god my sis made such a mimcry of this....she said to me you should have shouted like village women do ....(kyun ji photo kyun aapko kaun doctor lete hain...nahi nahi ye nahi chalega...kahe ko photo...sehat kharab hai batane aye aapko photo kyun ).
Then when i told her about the pschoanalysis story and how i had to wait 2 hrs for having a 15 min chat...she said....see you may not like saying stories to those answers but there are enough people who open up and tell oh so many stories for such questions.......jaise.....nahi ji gussa aata hai par fir kam hota hai...pehle aur aata tha...aajkal ablah blah....depression lagta tha magar fir mood theek ho jaata but fir lagta nahi main depressed hun...
Hmm i could smile i guess thats her HR field experience.Such a waste of 4 whole days coughing around........nothing like being healthy...heck...i'll go to office everyday pls let me be hale was all i thought.