Frozen Thoughtz - Thoughts with moments flit by

2012-02-17T01:22:00.001+05:30

Its been some 10 days now and may be writing this post now is a way of consolidating all those thoughts - I would not want to dwell much on the exact issue now - but lets just say - its an event that alters so much - So much of life - May be its just a fear of a new situation- Some say such is life face upto it - something like that agneepath poem may be ?

But fact is I can only recall the poem I posted long back on my blog so wont repost wholly but its there at the end of this post

the alteration of all of life's schemeshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life's KALEIDOSCOPE...........

And while people talk of miracles and the mind swings from Dawkings to religion to spirituality ,

what remains are the cold hard economic facts of life and the the emotional pain of the heart. All else gets altered.

Let me start with my fragmented recollections.

And so last week as I slept crouched in the floor of the waiting room of a super speciality hospital I recalled Harry Potter - I could only recall the dementors and for the life of me I could not recall with all my tries what they called the spell that drove them away - I simply forgot the word Patronus.

All I was thinking was so many souls must 've left the world here in this place - and then dementors.

I hate hospitals. Does anyone like them ? May be Doctors do ? Not Sure

The last 10 days made me wonder if its the most cold blooded profession ever and be glad that I never ventured into anything close despite my parents hopes. There is something so chillingly inhumane about the medical fraternity - its seems more pronounced these days. In my childhood may be I was not so perceptive or may be the doctors knew to act caring at the very least.

I am not sure what to say - whom to blame and may be we being caught in our own emotions do not understand the importance of being detached in a profession on that sorts. But then its hard when I see professionalism being reflected in the ICU - by treating the patient as an object.

When the patient groans in pain or says I want to leave or anything the nurses do not even bother to acknowledge his existence - he is an object whose clinical parameters are to be noted - Its hard to decide professionalism OR cold bloodedness or is the overlap now become a merge actually.

At times the Ayahs seem more perceptive and caring - but then whom do we blame . Hiring 18 yrs old giggling students as intern nurses ?

One would want to make noise about one certain hospital or something but one knows its the same state across .

Pasting of right to Information boards - but administering medicines by cutting each and every pill so minutely - in such a manner that no one can read the labels.

Its the bleeding of the living in the name of the dying - our medical world. So I had my own thoughts of cold heartedness .

Was it better those days when we knew someone would live or die than now - with our great medical advances which try to make some one live clinically and slowly take multiple lives ?

Stories shared that make you chuckle in your worst grief and then realize how easy it seems from the other side - when you listen.

A patient admitted due to seizures caused due to bad liquor - Ok so we know the stereotype dont we ? -

But nah its a lady in a village who is a govt pensioner and loved her liquor too much to listen to anyone and would challenge the family - whats for you to lose the govt pays my bills.

An absolute arrogant patient who even in the ICU managed to put fear into the police officer there to take down the facts - Oh but then thats a lady shouting "I am a army colonels wife " who wakes up in the ICU asking - where is my purse ?

A family with its last few savings being spent on ventilator - not having the heart or the gumption to disobey the almost finished patient.

I am not sure why we remember the good things about someone when critical - when recalling something bad would actually ease the pain we feel about the situation. And so we live on and its all so hazy and no unlike many its not death thats scary I guess for me - its life .

You then understand why religion survives - more so in this part of the world.

The sheer helplessness of life forces you I guess to take refuge in some way.

Life that feels so entrapped and yet somehow its inappropriate even to oneself to mention it - to acknowledge that there are times you want to be so selfish and yet cannot - not sure if its a lack of courage or of heart.

of iCons

2011-10-07T01:20:00.001+05:30

Though I never owned a Apple product have often tried them second hand , loved them and felt sad on hearing news of Steve Jobs demise. But then Facebook posts on and on forwarding his famous speeches esp his Standford one my favorite since I blogged about forwarding it got me thinking me of something quite else.

Humanity loves an icon – something to worship , to inspire , to make you believe in something wonderful and worthy about life.
Powerful inspirational preachings and words can be so wonderful at certain moments in life
but most can only be inspired for that fleeting moment ,
some can seize that inspiration and make something of themselves
and rarely if ever can anyone replicate the inspiration
cause the very inspiring words have a hidden fallacy…
Not that I do not like those quotes/speeches – I absolutely dig many of them and Steve Jobs Stanford speech is still on my list of all time favorite speeches since I first read it in 2005 but yet
I browsed through countless tributes and yet what was in mind was captured here

http://www.theatlantic.com/technology/archive/2011/10/why-we-mourn-steve-jobs/246238/

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life," he urged the students.
And yet to produce Apple products requires that thousands of workers flawlessly execute Jobs' business plans, which is to say his life.

However brilliant everything he envisioned was fact is to get him that glory and satisfaction of living his life he needed quite a bunch of people to willing be assembly line workers i.e live someone else's life.
Its not just him , everyone who talks of be yourself , get a life – innovate think outside the box makes me want to ask them – if there is no box at all whats the whole point of it ?
Fact is not all men are equal whatever they say
Some tower over all others and thats the way of life.
But that does not mean those who are not a match to that towering figure are expendable or have a pointless existence.
They are the very lifeblood on which such towering figures subsist

Working in a industry where creativity and innovation is the buzzword I seriously wonder how any thing of worth will ever get done if no one does the implementation of ideas – the execution and some of the necessary boring work . I mean in a team of 10 having 2 or 3 misfits creatives – different thinkers is great but imagine a team of 10 bright innovative huge egotist team members with no respect for rules .
So while we should look up in awe at the gifted geniuses – be inspired to go beyond what is the norm – we should live our very own dream and not someone else's dream . .
The important thing I guess it to have the right dream . Jobs surely developed the clarity for it

"It was one of the first times that I started to realize that maybe Thomas Edison did a lot more to improve the world than Karl Marx and Neem Kairolie Baba put together." – Steve Jobs

This I say because as many people do forward and read these famous words of his literally
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do"
They then act and convince their craziness as genius and it may or may not be – but it might not always bode much well for the world I guess
This I thought as was randomly reminded of someone who was crazy enough – has changed the world – died this year and
well has been the worst thing for the US – Osama

Fact is Genius may be good or bad but they will always be rare and will always shine .
Their words are just odes which makes people like moths come to burn in them
not realizing that they were never meant to be the flame.
And then the cliche – flames can light up the world or burn it
Ok as usual I drift in my thoughts and posts but then that is why this blog .
Words are such playthings .

A quick jotting

2011-09-23T03:04:00.001+05:30

Somehow was feeling this has been an immensely depressing year. There hasnt been anything good for ages in life but this year it has been like the end of hope.

I was thinking about forcing a change , taking risks and all that and this crossed my mind - Sounds stupid but well !!

To take a risk and jump off too you need a cliff

What can you do in a vast desert - beyond giving up and hoping to die

OR keep dragging yourself on hoping fate lands you at an oasis out of the blue.

But yeah its again onto fate .....What can you do in when all you have is shapeless pointless and endless sand ?

Well as I post this I thought again - May be stare at the blue sky and be delusional that there's water - all you need is to stare up

2011-07-17T00:26:00.000+05:30

On being moved to appreciate trivialities

Usually quotes come to mind as I write some thoughts but when I started to write this post after much laziness preventing any writing I could not much recall any that fitted the exact thoughts in my minds which triggered me to post this until I found this.

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.” - Jalal ad-Din Rumi

And so you could say for anyone who can really praise anything while not directly involved with it.
While human craving for appreciation is so well known what we do not realize is how few can truly appreciate.
I do not mean the appreciation mailers really I blogged on but more like enjoying something irrelevant really enough to appreciate - not because it is a success or because everyone loves it -But really be able to be touched by something small thats well ignored in general.
May be I am confusing it with many things I think in this respect so lets go to the background that framed the thought.

Someone from our team was leaving - well to build the character first
- the chap can be exasperating in his questioning which is where we started off when he came new
- argumentative when he knows something and absolutely I care a damn about authorities.
He kind of had a reputation for being a confuser - in which I played a good part due to the way he confused me too - but more
esp as somehow his communication style made life worse for him.
But then with time I really could see the passion with which he worked on what he liked even when no one cared and I seriously appreciate that.
One of the downsides of having a policy at work where its like do what you want , how you want as long as what we want is working is no one out there differentiates between how well optimally or precisely someone got it to work.
No one appreciates the finer backend stuff .
So well time went on - we had new manager , new leads and now this guy was leaving and so he arranged a knowledge transfer of his work. There were just two of us me and a new senior lead who was now picking up most of the work writing code and he walked us through - at the end the senior chap just said to me - "he has written it so well"
Something I always knew and saw but there was nothing I could say as in the end its all about what is accepted as working
- in which we had less success
This new senior guy is also a very hard working chap and has made a success out of things so well that stands out. What no one sees is - he writes things to work for that moment - his success is due to his heroic efforts - which in future would be hard to handle by others - unlike someone who wrote it more well neat with a thought for ease and longevity.

But I thought at least this guy had the eye to see the good work - something the so called managers pre-occupied with making ppts dont. And so that incident and another below brought me this whole thought of how
- can we appreciate and - what we appreciate tells so much about us.

My father is one of those persons about whom one of the advertisements jokes - "tab tho un dinon street light ke paas kaafi bheed rahi hogi" (it must've been really busy with so many people under the street light)- Yeah he too says I studied there .

Nevertheless he was viewing the new 5 star add where two guys sat on a wooden horse thing and well he said "what crap is this . They pay lakhs for this nonsense" . Well I thought - Ok he's off on his usual rant - but then he remembered a ad and appreciated it - a rarity and that would tell so much about him - its not a enjoyable or fun ad but he appreciated it.
"He said that add where a kid takes a wire and makes something like tongs for his mother - how nice that concept was" - It was for Havell's fire proof cables
The fact is my father is one of those people who loves making things out of such crap which exasperates us no end as this pretty much means nothing in the house can be thrown out - everything could be useful in some way !! . Yup oyr house is full of old wires being used for clothesline - broken shoe heels can be fashioned into door stoppers and what not :(
And so I realised that was why that ad touched him and he liked it .
Just as someone who loves to code appreciates a good code.

Indeed to praise the sun is praising your own eyes - your own love for the light & warmth it bestows

2011-04-03T13:20:00.001+05:30

Of the value a winning joy brings

Last month in one of those moods when I just go ahead and buy books I bought the book Chinaman by shehaan karunaatilake .
Been a very busy month and I still am just halfway through so will post seperately on the book itself.
I started reading the book in train and as I read this quote in there I focused on those lines with a long pause
on the words

But once in a while, the very best of them will.... and thought of Sachin's centuries
and smiled to myself and though lucky us
we've had quite a many "once in a while's "

So When India won the World Cup and that too beating Sri Lanka
- may be Sachin did not fire - may be it isnt a left arm seamer but still I still recalled the quote in that Sri Lanka based novel
and thought of how the moment was all value for a billion.
It probably wont be much of use to most individual lives and will hardly change our daily lives or
cure any of the the ills we are living through yet....... what amazing value it brings to a collective memory of a nation

“been told .....that there is no use or value in sports,”
.....................

“In a thousand years, grass will have grown over all our cities.
Nothing of anything will matter. Left-arm spinners cannot teach your children
or cure you of disease. But once in a while,
the very best of them will bowl a ball that will
bring an entire nation to its feet.
And while there may be no practical use in that,
there is most certainly value.”

2011-02-11T00:38:00.001+05:30

Pondering some endings...

Yesterday I was again reminded of this awesome poem by Agyey in hindi.
It was not a happy thing, though it doesnt not -yet- mean directly for me.

Someone I worked with remotely for over past 2 yrs suddenly is supposed to move out of a project he initiated.
In corporate life every decision has its merits & demerits but some how the way somethings are handled at times makes you feel bad.
There is not much you can say to someone whom you reported to for 2 years once a week but never knew anything else.
And all I could think of was that poem.

In Hindsight - I am a hopeless creature who gets nostalgic about things which are part & parcel of life

P.S: Someone please invent a better line to convey that some work is very
precious and dear to heart rather than - " Its my baby"

2011-01-15T01:26:00.000+05:30

Of being reminded ...

A old friend from college days called up and started talking about the reunion of sorts they had in the US of a few of our hostelmates.The conversation made me glad of having this blog as I seem to have a terrific ability to forget many things which I dont care about personally .
May be I either outgrow things completely OR I always just hang onto them never letting go . There seems to be less of a middle path in my case.

She started off relating how S a senior has not changed one wee bit , she still behaves as though she is the center of the world and they stupidly still sort of catered to her. "Remember How she did not even ask about having food when we had travelled so far for her marriage. She even neglected and left our gift lying in the corner crap"

Now I had lost complete memory of such things as S was another of those acquaintances we called friends - no attachment neither any great respect/liking which for me can be mutually exclusive. But here I was being reminded of all that and I wonder about myself.
Why do people bother so much about these things and somewhere I know why I don't - because my expectation level with people has been very low and whenever I've raised it Ive been quite dissapointed.
But then I never raise it for everyone esp when you know that they are not worth it. Keeping it low has sprung many a pleasant surprises with people.I am amazed in fact when people remember me esp as I dont see hugely what they had to remember me for.
Nevertheless, people I dont know why nurse such bad memories which mean nothing really for years together.

It makes me wonder if having a good memory is all that good.
As Nietzsche said
"The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time."
So to complete the corollary "The advantage of a bad memory is that one never remembers the bad things "
But then may be it makes you prone to repeating your errors - or does the subconscious handle it? Whatever !!

P.S:
I am having some insane time at my office , making my friends say lady enjoy the drama while you can .
Its something like ek resource theen manager . Thats an upgrade from the two I had last who dont see eye to eye literally.
I have so many issues of my own nuisance at home that I just let the drama go on rather than add to my stress,
but if only there was a smart player what an awesome situation this is .
But then only a fool like me can end up in such stupid situation.Lets see how it ends cause things have to move now some way.

and so --- Still listening to Udaan's awesome Azaadiyan song

Kahani khatam hai ya shuruwaat hone ke hai (Is it the end of the story or the begining)
Subha nayi hai yeh ya phir raat hone ko hai ( Is it a new dawn or the start of night)
Aane wala waqt dega panha hai/Ya phir se milenge do raahein ( The time to come will take care of us Or will I again stand at a juncture)
Khabar kya, kya pataa ( Who knows)

P.P.S: I really dont want to write much on facebook but I always end up noticing such inane ridiculous things there that well I cant help it.Imagine you have a Sr manager on your friendlist and on a post - your sister , husband comments saying what a bunch of lazy buggers you are and how the org pays you for free as all you do is spend time on FB . The whole team is a kaamchor.
Seriously even if it was a joke - people are idiotic . Even if you dont care about the job its such downright senseless behavior but seems the world is anyway full of a billion of them . And after all Truth is Great and we should not be hypocrites.

2011-01-13T20:41:00.001+05:30

Udaan – Realism without the addons

While a lot of people watch movies to experience may be what is absent or what cannot be and enjoy the thrill of it,
there are few movies which end up as chilling reminders of what was.I wouldn’t write much on Udaan really , but that when I saw the movie end , I just thought if I was a guy I’d probably have ended up being that guy in some way.
Its not a entertainment type of movie , but it does not bore at all for most part.

I know we as a society love to relegate people on high altars based on just some social roles.People have kids because its the norm and kids are supposed to be indebted for being brought into this callous world.
Its a chilling story of the middle class we grew up in where its a insult to stare back into face – you have to lower your eyes.Throughout the movie the “aankhen neechi karo ” almost brought back ghosts.
Hell even the location Jamshedpur was almost recognizable having lived in steel cities of those days.

I loved the part where the guy says back to his father ” Its an awesome method – First you scar a child for life (and that always need not mean physical beating scars) and then say sorry”
People underestimate these scars of childhood so much ,I have seen and not all have the same spirit.
I just wondered , had the guy not been in boarding at all would he ever have gotten that spirit – knowing only being a crushed spirit.

Also the movie does try to give us some insight into the opposite side – its about a character who is wrong but – its the same thing – scars of their own memories( somethin which preachy movies like Taare Zameen pe and 3 idiots simply dont. As I wrote in TZP a movie where it simply does not give one scene of empathy for the father)

Many people have past scars – some try to repeat them by scarring others to feel it was right ,
some try to ensure that it never repeats and therein lies the difference forward.

2011-01-09T19:41:00.000+05:30

Jumbled thoughts of times we live in...

I have lost the art or may be the patience of writing a nice one topic based post which is why I write in such directionless manner , but the real issue is finding a title for such posts honestly.
Well I started writing on this thinking of facebook. There's something sinister about the way facebook is developing - I mean the way its being planned to be used by organizations.
Nothing's clear(though we all know the conspiracy theories) but what do you feel when you get an invite from
- the senior managers who rarely nods when they pass you by,
- people sitting two blocks away and all managers who rarely say hi (not that i mind , even I dont do that but then I dont go adding them)

Its isnt quite the orkut style stranger friend requests - its a deliberate thing by people whose request you cannot
refuse without being rude.
I have seen someone who added people in a whole department in a week . He probably has spoken directly to 40% of them even once.
If keeping in touch - professional contacts was the thing there's always linkedin which should be used.
But somehow no senior manager bothers on that Platform.

Organizations are begining to have social media policies I hear , but that is for employees being restricted,
I wonder if organizations themselves will have any scruples at all using stuff they pick up on employees.
But then thats an individual problem.

I am amazed at the idiots galore who put up their birthday on facebook fully correctly when thats actually the minimal authentication for many banks. No wonder Citibank type frauds happen. I was feeling hilarious
when I heard he cheated the Hero Group and at the same time it seemed scary.
If thats the level of sophistication really what chance do we have.

But yeah the sums that get talked about on TV and internet makes you feel really so small .
I mean nothing less than a crore gets discussed , be it IPL, frauds scams, or shopping and then you get
hikes of a thousand rupees or some single digit multiple . You seriously question yourself about you being any good really
until you see the IPL auction.

Ravindra Jadeja gets bid for 4 crore plus while some of the best across go unbid or for what 1 crore + /-.
This is a twisted world really. Nothing professional about it .
There you go Ayn Rand !! - If you ever want to see why your pure capitalism is not perfect and fails just see this auction.
The best will not rise to the top by default in Capitalism.
Capitalism is simply the lesser and preferable evil which allows everyone a chance to be evil , but evil it is.

Then again I think Ayn Rand was wrong but may be she had to exaggerate capitalism and its perfect world ,to put across her point among the fanatic socialists.

Thats the only way it seems to make a point. The assasination in Pakistan of Tasser and other religious hardline stuff we hear -
simply keeps increasing day by day even on the internet makes you realise the importance of someone like Richard Dawkins.
He seems as fanatic about Atheism as the religious fanatics he opposes(which is why I found God Delusion a wonderful read but odd ) but its at these times you realise why thats necessary -
without that fanatic passion you cannot make a liberal open minded counter argument to the relegious extremists.

I havent seen the movie The Devil's Advocate yet but I heard this quote from it which I liked because esp of the line
" absentee landord " as it reminded me of my favorite perfect song describing God for me

"aasman pe hai khuda aur zameen pe hum "
aaj kal vo is taraf dekhta hai kam"

John Milton: Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never.

2011-01-03T00:05:00.000+05:30

Jottings on some Movies over the Holiday Season

2011 is here but well I'm not quite inclined to write on heavy stuff
still which in a way is good as it might mean heavy cribbing of sad things.

So well let me make some quick jottings on some movies I saw last few months.
As I maintain my posts are not reviews as I watch most of them so very late
and i write only about what I felt based on my state of mind.

First the good one -

The first movie in saw in 2011 Band Baaja Baraat was sweet. I mean really sweet .
Its been like long after Jab We Met that I liked a romantic Hindi movie as much.There were few good movies like Love Aaj Kal but most lacked the emotionality somehow . always the same thought - concepts nice but something more could be done.
I sort of liked this movie though - almost made eyes blurry at few moments which once upon a time was nothing but these days is real feat.

And then if you dont like it go watch Break Ke Baad . Irrespective of taste preference I am sure 90% will
then like Band Baaja Baraat.Seriously Break Ke Baad is a lesson in how movies can be made boring. There's nothing you seriously dislike out there but it drags on .

Its become this typecasting of Deepika Padukone - the one who keeps breaking off. There's that Sonam Kapoors's Aisha, I hate Love Stories and all of them confuse me as one movie differentiating from other . The same hip hop looks careers and story packaged as romance.
It is here that Band Baaja Baraat is refreshing. All romances are the same - its that mush which needs to be varied
and humor without cheap jokes is always a plus with me.

Next disappointment was The Deathly Hallows - Part 1 - in harry Potter series ,though it was lessesned by the fact that after the Half Blood Prince I have toned down the expectations with the director anyway . He makes them like art movies . They are fine may be technically and so on but something stays amiss .
The thrill is gone and also I am quite sure people who have not read the book cannot figure out half the stuff. The detailing is bad.
Now may be this is good to encourage book being read but still the book seemed more thrilling more heart rending and touching.
But thats just me . I'd probably say that of most books but the revelations about Dumbledore in the book were a big thing
and affected you much , here its not quite the same.

The amazing part I want to note is again perceptions. I read a post by someone that what they liked about the movie was the
lovely scene betweek Harry and Hermione which was not in the book but added in the movie and its so caring and
touchingly beautiful of a lovely friendship which is quite what I felt.

So when I go to you tube to check it out I get led somehow to some other reveiw wherein the complain was exactly the opposite .
They felt that that dance should not have been added as it gave wrong impressions about their friendship which was absent in the book. Hmmmm its all in the mind.

Similar stuff I felt when I read this about women offended by Social Network. The directors response is good.
Issue with getting offended with some things is applying one potrayal of someone from a group as a benchmark for all .
Its hard to resist stereotyping .

I had on my laptop a movie which I had been postponing since long. Perfume - The Story of a Murderer.
The movie is based on a man having very strong olfactory sense and hence can know the smell of everything to very small detail.
Then he smells a woman and gets obsessed over capturing it and hence kills 7 of them to make a perfume that subjugates the world to him.But then he realises his nothingness despite them and sort of gives it all up by getting himself killed in the same fish market where he was born.The ending seemed stupid but overall the story was very well developed.
Its a different movie sure but may leave people quite uneasy . The opening market scene of the fish market and all
- the worms, the gore of it was way too much for my sensibilities which is why while watching action is all fine -
I sort of stay off movies like Saw etc. Blood and gore are just not my cup of Tea.

Finally about Guzaarish . Now thing with this movie for me was not the movie but the way many people asked me
Did you like it ?
Unlike other movies which is either trashed or said as good for once or great - there was this apprehensive questioning esp
because it seems quite a few liked it. I too found it Ok but there are two things to consider here.
I watched it comfortably at home and I had very low expectation - hoping for something like Black or Kites and all such tragic saga.
But the movied moved on quite better. No awesomeness, slow movie - sort of arty kind but did not bore me somehow.
Half the people though are surprised and wondering how come the other half (of the usual normal set )managed to like it.

2011-01-02T00:30:00.001+05:30

Another Year

Whats a year but a number when life seems to be almost in slumber.
2010 drifted really in a nothingness sort of way for me

Have been in a strange mood since December. Dont feel like reading much.
Dont feel like writing too.
Thoughts come to mind but there is a tendency to just lie still and not jot them.
Hope 2011 lets me get over all that and we come to a grand end as predicted the following year.

Sounding too morose this post for a new year?
Well here's a lovely song that makes me feel hugely better
always with lovely lyrics as usual by gulzar

ek subah ek mod par

P.S: This post was made just hoping that I try to post more or rather something better than what I did in 2010
And just as I am planning to click publish I remember its a new decade too. Ok so next post may be a decade recap ? Let see

2010-12-24T00:33:00.000+05:30

General Musings

So much's been happening it seems in the world and well may be I to should start tweeting rather than posting long essays.
I had so much I was hoping to write and then just frittered it all in thought. I have been in one of my laziest phases.

This post is mostly unconnected parts of stuff I managed to remember
I actually was hoping to write about the book I was reading The Black Swan & Fooled by randomness , but its very contents reminded me of what I saw here there and what not. I will review it in a different post.
Essentially the book talks about the role of luck or rather what we call luck, uncertainity etc.

Now I have oscillating views on that.
So here was one forward of a speech by Harsha Bhogle someone I am quite a fan of since was a kid.
http://brijux.com/2009/09/12/harsha-bhogle-achievers-of-excellence-iim-ahmedabad/

Its quite long but real nice esp I would say one should listen to part 2 first and then if one wants go to part1.
Well anyways he nicely opens a discussion about luck (at 17:50 in part 2)- he recalls how Ganguly told him it was great luck VVS Laxmans innings at Kolkatta.
Harsha disagrees and says its all the coming together of preparedness opportunity etc and gives his own personal example of his admission in IIM. Enjoyed hearing it and all , but the skepticism was open esp as I never can decide if I believe in fate or not.

Now I went to the passport office next day - after all the confusion of many things I am told I need not only the latest bill as adresss proof but also a bill 1 year older and I was like Oh Gosh - I will have to go through all this again.
Nowhere I saw mentioned saying you need bills across a year. But then I remembered I had some old bill in my purse and voila !
I found a old 2009 bill and I managed to get my work done the same day.

So I recalled the interview - Now what do I call it - luck or preparedness - I never prepared for needing a 1.5 yr old bill.
But if I want to put it like this - I can always say -
I am a very organized person and see I keep stuff prepared.

So I wondered why is it that most people always talk of luck and fate on failure .
When success comes people go on about hard work and self belief and all stuff.
Its a open thing - we can wonder and debate about all the time to no end.
I dont like to believe in fate but then it kind of has always been my bane in more ways than I can describe which is why I am often kind of lost in thoughts when I hear such debates.

There is so much of Wikileaks around that one cant escape it. It strangely reminded me hugely of what I wrote reviewing Social Network.We want all our heroes to be angelic - Why cant we be open to the fact that things in world are almost always grey
and there is no such thing as an absolute truth.
Just because he's brave and takes on governments mean Assange has no prejudice against women. Just as just because accusers are women we need to take their word as the truth.
It seems real nice the leaking of truth about governments etc - but lets just say there was no confidential reports in governments -
all is in open - would that make it a better world. Wont conspiracies and prejudices flourish by word of mouth .
While US policies may have been fully flawed - it does not mean terrorism is purely a by product of that and the world was a beautiful place before we brought in governance.
Then we have the Indian version of it all - which is even more depressing. But while it seems so much of a rage on twitter and
blogosphere I wonder how many of us really would stand up and fight and how many has the system already defeated.

We really are the species Darwin talks of - the first instinct is self preservation.

P.S: It may seem strange but this by far has been one of the most exciting reads for me in recent times.
The whole thing is thrilling than most thrillers we read.

http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2010/11/26/secret-agent-crippled-irans-nuclear-ambitions/

It seemed so appreciable and awesome really - the whole attention to detail - and then the scare sets in in the mind.
I seriously wondered about times - not a penny in reality but all of life's earnings in electronic form and my mom's old advice
- why oh why you dont buy gold - hmm!! she's already been vindicated partly with the gold prices

Then I wondered hmm but wont that make movies boring - like 007 replaced by Stuxnet
- and then I think - no Social network wasnt all that boring. Sure they'll figure a way out to talk out the code design in some dashing ways - he he !!

2010-12-14T01:26:00.001+05:30

Another rant - unfair unfair and what not

Ok after a long time one of those pure rant posts. I had lots of nonsensical reading I was hoping to post about all that
but you see nothing inspires you out of laziness than such as below

Had one of those world is unfair moments - I mean you know thats how things are in the world but still when it stares at your face you have those moments when only may be Calvin saves you

[/caption]

Accessed someone's resume when was left accessible.

Of course one expects resumes are pumped up and overblown version of work,but what I saw blew me away
This person happens to be the lowest contributor of our very small team of five which was well overblown to 9
but well designation is module lead, but thats acceptable in these cases

The contribution section was filled with past 3 years of my job description - tools on which she never worked or knows a line of
- added with the sheer confidence of a person who knows the opposite person also wont know that tool since its rare enough ,so one can always talk
- and of course extra fluff called motivating team members and what not

Yeah in a true blue interview not much of all this stands but it does two things
1. It spoils resume of people who truly worked on that stuff in general I feel - stupid may be but I feel it at times
2. how many true blue interviews happen really - esp if the lady's a smashing bong with a seniormost executive hubby
- how she got in here itself is sheer fate - my stupid lead engg at that time said " its ok we are not getting that skillset, we can always teach them" - thats a different matter he regretted it deeply withing few months - but well so what that chaps gone , but here she is .
Yeah guts to fake it - is also guts - and well appreciate it

She's a pretty fine person , with a very cute child and great circle of friends and well that simply adds to that thing nah
world is unfair - I know - I know so what - I can still rant - say its unfair

It takes time though to sink in - accepting the unfairness of it all and my stupidity in various other things.
I need to get some serious sleep to get over all such thoughts.
But essentially thats what I am doing since last 1 week after taking literally over a fortnight off
- a house arrested vacation.
Now that sure will make some one say
- hey its unfair - yeah it is - it surely is :)

2010-11-21T00:28:00.000+05:30

Watching and Musing about the Social Network

Watched Social network and quite liked it essentially because of the elements Scott Adams put up in his review here .
http://www.dilbert.com/blog/entry/the_social_network__review/

"I appreciate the movie for what it did not do. It did not rely on special effects in a way that was obvious to the viewer. It wasn't in 3D. There was no violence. There was no car chase scene. If you make a list of all the elements that can make a movie predictable and lame, this movie had none. That's at least partly because the story is inspired by reality."

For me that was real point . Something lacking all the common stuff for which people flock to a movie . I was kind of bugged up the Avatars and Inceptions dealing with what we don't understand or see - and refusing to face up to what faces us - our own human social awkwardness and insecurities in the existing realm.

Though more than the movie I essentially thought a lot about the real facebook in general.
The ending scene seriously is the real poignant picture. Humanity invariably is like that after all the Darwin , Freud and Einstein and
relegion stuff when people are obsessed well they are obsessed. Money is a great substitute - a great painkiller it just wont heal the wounds .

The movie does reflect greatly on how someone hugely socially awkward built the worlds biggest social networking.
It actually makes you feel like he thinks even more worse of the general populace who fall for it and is kind of smirking.
and if you read about these old IM's of Zuckerberg well he surely was !!.

Secondly as much as we want to believe the world's most successful people are wonderful humans - fact is they necessarily dont have to be the nicest and good people.
Its not just Zuckerberg - as much as we love Apple products and find steve jobs inspiring - fact is the guy's damn arrogant.
But yeah he's got enough reasons to be :) and its hard to envision many in that position who wouldnt be.

Getting back to social networking - I was just musing how there could be two kinds of populace
- one who are truer on facebook than in reality i.e they express themseleves and their thoughts easier there
and other who build up exactly the facade they want to be but never will be.

The most miniscule percentage would be the people who are exactly the same on and out of Facebook
(as a matter of fact anything online - I certainly consider myself in the first set in a general way as I blog anonymously).
But yeah facebook differs or hoped to differ from other online stuff in the sense that its about people you know even if not friends.
Though seriously its not even that.I read about this facebook scam and was like hmm .

The movie reminded me of so many things in general.
I have a friend who just wont join facebook and deleted her orkut account too.
She's had a rough time in life and she says she gets upset by the constant advertising by people of their family and kids and that
happiness facade or truth or whatever.Thats one side - and I think its just a personal reaction but happens with a reason.

Then I see some comments .
I have two friends - both have very cute kids.and I left comments on their cute kids.

What amused me though was this - these two remotely know each other - and yet -
one friend then left a comment about how wonderful and cute and smart the kid was looking
the other then reciprocates - ur princess too is very sweet.

This is exactly the loving diplomacy , backslapping and false affection reminds of that song
"tum hume good kaho - hum tumhe very good kahenge"

It is not that the kids are not cute its just the fakeness - (though to be honest even if they werent they - children are supposed to be said to be cute.Any other word and you are heartless.)
Neverthless we are now in the facebook generation and I wont be cruel and say all of it is fake as Ive seen a lot of people being
really in touch with a whole bunch - the people you would lose touch with but for facebook.
Its the same old 80-20 pareto rule I guess.
80% of the time we care about a maximum of 20% of the facebook contacts/features .

P.S:My last thought on this was if I do live through for a decade or so more - I will be reading the autobiographies of all these people about whom right no so called inspired biographies are made - and what new twists they will throw up.

2010-11-07T00:41:00.001+05:30

A Welcome break for thoughts

After a very long boring year or so I finally took a quick long weekend break.
I am not too social as it is and my current job - where we dont have much of a team really being scattered as it is -
so no outings, lunches etc - the usual corporate hoopla and thus for a very long time my only outing was to the shopping mall.

So this was was a very very unplanned trip. Some girls at my office had a planned outing with some other of their friends and a common friend suggested to join them.So I and my sister were virtual outsiders in that group and then other girls too joined and it was one tortourously packed cab we were in .

So prior to my usual rant - few lines about this quick trip to Coorg - it had its moments.

That moment atop Talacauvery temple and at Raja's seat at Madikeri to get a view of the mountains with fog and clouds.
Then the walk to the Abbey falls in rain - it was a beautiful waterfall - but for me the euphoric thing was unlike quite a few girls I did
not get any leeches onto me. Seriously since the time I heard of Coorg - I who have a perenial scare of all crawling stuff was quite
worried.

Finally we hurried off most places to get to Nagarhole - but it was one big dissapointment. When the safari van chap
does not close the doors you know nothing wild's around in the forest.
Nothing really - just deer deer and more deer and as they say so many deer means no tigers.
Not sure if we were unlucky not to spot any or its a nice coverup as many Indian things are.
But what I remember of that ride in nagarhole was the fresh and fragrant smell of forest . It was very very nice.
When you came out you could tell the difference.

In fact with the group of excited young women that I was with paddy fields on the way seemed to be
most entertaining with everyone posing their photographs.

All in all it was a welcome break for me - It was a experience though despite the travel discomfort of being packed up in a cab.
But I needed it to tear myself away from my laptop. It just isnt work - I sort of seem to be stuck with it - to avoid thinking .

So firstly the whole group was the very young brigade - hyper excited , jovial - the just out of girls college syndrome.
I was quite apprehensive on this count .
Also I sometimes I feel its better for me to maintain some personal distance with people at office.
The below incident explains why

Vibrant vivacious and very sweet this girl who sits two cubicles from me and I are in same room with my sister.
It starts such
You got the hike ? How less they give :( but at least you got. You must be a rich girl.
Me: Try to play along - Yeah Yeah you are as rich as you feel
She: OOOO and my sis tooo joins in with ooooooooo
What I wanted to say: kiddo when i was your age I did not have a penny in hand - money is bloody important -
but what for the money is also as important - as is being peaceful at least ,if not happy with your surroundings.

She: How much experience you have XXX - Oh really I did not know that.
Then why are you here - you should jump and get such a good hike

Me: But well I am used to the good life here and work too is not bad and I have my perks of not being answerable theoretically half the time to anyone really - I have my issues but where are there no issues.
See in other jobs I'd never have been able to take this holiday as easily - though Id been abale to afford a expensive one
- so for me things balance out
She: But see this is the age to work work and earn. later we cant esp after marriage etc etc.
I cant afford anything with what they pay - have to buy a car.

What I wanted to say: My dear I am already at a age where I am tired - (then I would have rethought - really -
at what age did you not have the inertia disease.)
Seriously when such sweet young people offer advice so overwhelmingly confidently I can only remember one quote -
esp as since a decade -I think of myself as old

" I am not young enough to know everything"

She: This place has so much politics, this that and about her manager , other managers
Me: Have you worked anywhere else prior to here
I finally say what I wanted to say - I have worked a a few more places so let me tell you ,
while all you say may be true - wherever you go dont expect any different - just that they will pay you more which is good surely.

Its always been nice to work with young people their enthusiasm and all , but somehow there is a sense of discomfort.
Because they haven't seen the other part of life. for e.g these I wish they would have a look at their juniors from 2009 who had seen their dreams crashing. What you get easy - one never values is what Ive seen and learnt from them.

As I said its the exuberance of youth - and as much as I like to watch it from a distance - getting cozy with them
raises such uncomfortable situations to which I have the answers but not the heart to slam it onto their faces.

P.S: Seriously I have my extravagant tastes - books for one or lil diamonds for another - , but why do people including my sister have a problem if that isnt buying a car or splurging on restaurants and dresses at sales of their choice.
I dont condemn their tastes - but whenever I end up in company of such people they have this way of making me feel like I am a miser.
I am surely compared to them - but thats how I am and have no qualms about it.

My sisters an expert at these esp with her interpretation of "The Ant and the Grasshopper" Aesop fable.
Most version I checked on google - specify that ants turn their backs on the grasshopper - and then the moral of the story is displayed about " there is a time for work and time for play"
Buy my dear sister and me in our childhood must have read a kinder version wherein the ants after giving a long moral of the story
ask the grasshopper to join in - in return for singing for them.
So here's the moral of the story she picks up -
After all the grashopper said sorry and it was just a short repreive and all Grasshopper does is sing along
doing what it loves and lives happily.

In a way she's damned right and probably the world is skewed that way.
Grasshoppers always find ants who sustain them.

2010-10-19T00:28:00.000+05:30

Quite Robotic !!

To state it simply it was a hugely underwhelming experience.
The hype , the praise surrounding Robot - I was prepared to be slightly dissapointed but really to be bored in a Rajni movie
- not expected and yet for most part I was bored.

It just meanders on , it tries to touch on high brow issues here and there no doubt about science and humans
and social effects but really just a scratch on surface.
For most part it just streches on. One movie whose success is beyond me.
As for Aishwarya she is so perfect for Robot.Such a beautiful Robotess??
In that song where in a scene multiple clones of Aishwarya came on screen I just thought what the heck is the movie all about.
If chitti likes Sana then the scientist shouldve made another Robot for Chitti just like Sana and let the matter rest.
Or the Robot who cloned himself all over shouldve made one like Sana who really likes him and program non cheating (but bugs will exist in code as always!!)

I do not dislike it - Its just boring. In fact of all mass heroes Rajnikanth is the most entertaining with whatever his patented stylishness is and yet this so boring a movie.
Crazy fans I understand - but even for them there is not a single rajni punch line or anything for mass hysteria seriously.

Oh Yeah technical brilliance appreciation is deserved - yeah for folks who never watched beyond Indian movies yes brilliant
- but anyone who saw other stuff wont find this mind blowing.
Yes this cost less was done at on etenth the price of Hollywood - so the director and technicians did a feat ,
admirable take nothing away from them - but the movie was enjoyable - how ??

The technical appreciation for an admirable work by an Indian while completely deserved , me being cruel thinking
reminded me of lalit Bhanot's amazing comment during CWG. "Our standards are different than yours"

The movie lacked heart or emotional touch somehow for me - and since I am not a great technical effects fan I guess thats the core issue.Even in movies like Matrix I loved the subtext the emotional conflicts and the whole discussion etc rather than the high quality stunts and whatever.

But technical eye feast if thats to be talked of not in strict technical terms - of the few movies I've seen I just
have to say "Lord of the Rings" - I just love the whole setting and the extravagant setup.
There's a joy in every character human or robotic .
I was terrified and disliked the Gollum creature hugely - but saw a forum where a lady foun him cute - Hmmm.

P.S: Since the post was about a underwhelming experience I will just post a unrelated link from CWG which was a overwhelming experience.I am no athletics fan nor ever watch it but was led to it by a link and was wowed by it.Girls with no support whasoever and such odds and the video seems just like a thriller in a movie.

2010-09-19T19:58:00.000+05:30

Confused by Inception .... Chill with Dabangg

Recently I watched two movies and diverse as they are they are and little that I have to say - its best to club them in one post.

First is the film thats been well ooh ahed' internationally as a great movie Inception.
It is a exceptionally well made film but really I have a feeling it kind of made itself exceptional by being deliberately complex.

I wouldnt pretend to be ultra smart and say I got the movie as it unfolded. I didnt -
I went back and forth and checked out the stuff on net to get the complete hang of it.

The point is the premise of the movie is hardly complex - at least not to us the eastern exotic people
- who kind of have a philosophy for all paranormal stuff in some way.
I mean dont we have stories of people travelling in dreams - being granted wishes and what not.We just take them for granted.

What I am trying to say is strip the movie of its great special effects etc and the complex structural screenplay it has
- whats left is a very empty thing - a very plain discussion/article about dreams - it does not even have a clear story as per se.

And yet with such a subject the director made a movie of over 2 hrs and compelled us to watch it which is where the movie scores surely.Its a great discussion which has been filmed - its like someone puts their random thoughts in some structure and films them.

Though not comparable in any realm or any relation at all- sometime back watched Duplicity
- a story of plain corporate espionage common fare -
and was reminded of it just like that.

What I just wonder about is leave Indians - as in them a very small set will watch it in percentage terms and review it hugely like I am doing -but in the US if the special effects and action stuff was out
- how many average Americans would've enjoyed watching it ?
Yeah its almost a cult on the internet but ...we do have a world beyond the net still.
Actually how may would have understood it for what the movie was all about.

If its a philosophical discussion for the elite audience - a book will be far more satisfying but when its a cinematic extravaganza I feel it helps if it was not so deliberately confusing .

But all this is not to say it wasnt enjoyable. It most certainly was
but no I was not hugely overwhelmed - just admired the director hugely for being so adventurous.

But if philosophical discussions in movies are what one enjoys 'Waking life' is one movie one must see.
You can just think and ponder and all that with animated characters which definitely reduce the prejudices we have when we see real people on screen.

So after subjecting my mind to such high stress of understanding Inception - it deserved the break called Dabangg.

The one thing these days is filmmakers now are clear about which end of the spectrum of populace the movie is targetted for
and any overlap helps in collections.
Not a fan of Salman , but after a long long time liked him in a movie.
He does not overact just for the sake of it - does it when it helps.
Movie can be summed up in one word - relax and enjoy and forget.
It could have been made much crass , but I liked the restraint shown in that sense mainly ,
that and the compactness of it,i.e nothing is streched - neither the love , nor the hatred .
Again as a story its a shell bollywood foundations are built on - absolutely nothing to add
frankly its the kind rajnikanth does down south almost very 2 years and yet Salman sort of rises up to it.
You just can't imagine the charming Sharukh or high brow Mr perfection Aamir there.
Even the music is nothing awesome - yeah it is fine and is a hit but by end of 2011 it will be hardly memorable.
And yet the realm of the spectrum this movie captures is much higher - for what purpose you could say
- well nothing - just entertainment business .

P.S: twitter is source of much fun as usual - I have many teammates complaining of slow VM's at my workplace and then I saw this tweet twitter.com/myzt/status/21301896997
The main idea of "Inception": if you run a VM inside a VM inside a VM inside a VM, everything will be very slow

What would this world be if people did not have such wonderful sense of humorous simplications . We'd all be stuck in some limbo.

2010-09-08T00:25:00.000+05:30

Peepli Live: quick note

Watched Peepli Live.
One of the best rural portrayals - in the sense of not going overboard really.
I know I keep repeating it in pretty much every review but it gets to me the
way our villages are portrayed, either as too sad - usually art movie types, or too innocent.
The language too was kept rustic without getting too dirty.
I loved the potrayal of the old mother and the daughter in law. Trust me Ive seen almost similar interactions
which is exactly why the loving village folk scare me as much.

Only thing I would say on Peepli Live is had this not been promoted by Aamir how many of us
really would have watched it , however good it might have been.

As far as the media portrayal I it was quite decent, the real ones we get on TV are actually worse.
While we a small section ,use all this for fun, I tremendously enjoy the enormous jokes on our news anchors on twitterstream
What worries me hugely is that we have a huge set of people who believe TV and are vehement about - whatever is shown on TV.
For e.g There was a time when the old wisdom was really kind old wisdom - right or wrong it was information passed down generations.
Now what we hear on TV is wisdom .I realised this with my mother being so dependent on it for her (tips)nuskas on health etc these days that she's almost forgotten her original know how I somehow felt.

2010-08-29T21:13:00.001+05:30

first err in haste and then rant in blogposts

Its one of the hardest things to do - to accept that mistakes inevitably happen ,
whether due to luck or pressure ,rush or whatever.
Unlike others who find it hard owning up to one I very easily can own up when I see one ,
but to accept it to myself that I overlooked something , it is very hard.

I try , but its hard till I manage to get some sleep over it.
Its till I do that well enough , I find it tortures me .

And then when people tell you , its ok its ok - its hard not to try to
figure out who says that as a smirk and who means it genuinely.

This was a week I felt after a long time felt that whole elements were simply against me.
It felt like a huge conspirarcy of fate , nature and what not and I slipped up .

Murphy's law took its course and everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

I just hope it ends here and does not carry through to the next month.
reminded me of a sysadmin to whom once I said after our whole servers crashed
" Oh that VM is fine , well then the worst is behind us"
To which I was replied

"Never say that --, The worst is never behind us,
it is always ahead of us , waiting for us to slip up and then catch us " or something like that
Even on messenger it seemed ominous then.

In hindsight , such errors keep you grounded , may be .
Trying to look at the bright part of it.
I erred , when many believed in me.So yeah they will cross check now but
had I committed something similar before that belief set in ,
I guess like some others I would have been typecasted too.

But neverthless right now I typecast myself as a hopeless freak and nervous wreck who mulls over
things like a wrong version install to write rant posts like this.

P.S: The movie "I hate love stories" may be just one more has been movie for me, - I watched it on CD so offhandedly and with not much time spent on TV I never listened to the songs actually.
And then I listen to the Sadka song from it while shopping at a mall for nearly an hour , it kind of grew on me as I was there and now its been looping for the last two weeks on my media player. Love the song.

2010-08-22T01:57:00.001+05:30

Random Rambles

This should actually be a seperate post. RGV deserves that but I am too lost in my worries (I add my saga to the end),and he put across a opinion which sort of merged into my thoughts I mix it up here.
Ram Gopal varma - have known quite a few fanatics of his. Have seen some of his movies which are too good and some too hilarious.
Seriously Thank god I watched Daud in TV. In theater I dont know how I could have managed.
The music of Dauuuuud... itself felt so hilarious.
But this isnt about his movies really. I did not like him much as a person as his visions seem like he's still stuck in some crazy
curiosity associated with teenage boys - his potrayal of his leading ladies/his horror fixation.

But I dont know waiting at which place I flipped through which magazine/news wherein I read a interview of his where he said something like this
" If I need to think why would I go to a woman. I would open a book"
Now its not a comment that makes any woman happy , but the guy I thought was being quite honest and I admired that then and that thought stayed with me . Till I saw this tweet by him and again thought.
Well all said and done he just put honestly a very uncomfortable truth.
"The biggest lie is that hard work pays nd ths is mainly propogated by smart non workers who live off the stupid hard workers"

The thought and some other stuff and my life's bad twists got me started off on reading "fooled by randomness".
The goings slow but will post on that later.
So well its been terrible time .Its like something which was nothing has snowballed into horrid stuff.

Its actually not as horrible if only , if only I could develop that Take It easy policy.Its a hard hard bargain.Easy to say but tough to live upto .But some of the most idiotic people have that attitude and thats what carries them through.
Actually all managers Ive seen who really want to see you move up gave one simple advice - dont worry about people's grumbles and mumbles .
I find it unlike others easier to implement it in life - but hard when it relates to work.

I once had a flare up with a team member regarding some work assigned and he mumbled something I got into the - lets clear this up mode and my manager calls me up and explains - come on its ok just ignore.

Similarly a friend who was sort of upset about being labelled too aggressive by a set of people who did not like being questioned
about timelines (esp by a lady)spoke to her senior manager who just smiled and re-iterated the same advice.
Ignore it - its part of the job.
(Heard of someone who happen to know by grapevine as a very bindaas - "I wont work" kind of cool person and
he got into IT's most hallowed places.You could see the pain it causes to the people
who really passionately go about work. But well as they say high up there what you need is a bindaas take it easy person.
You cant go crazy everytime something crashes. But yeah that news sort of made me feel think a trifle
less of the only company I ever admired(I am not a great fan of big organizations , though been with few and still am).
I always thought - oh what could I do there - (its for the hot shot developers and ultra smart genius game changers and what not - but well times change or our perspectives change)

Now this is all very nice if you have the support - but its a bit hard to take when you are on your own.

Added to that many women simply are worriers - I admit that and give up , we worry way too much.I know it yet its hard to change. Also you think you are cool and over most stuff by now and still at the crunch you just have that pent up emotion.

I have like a soap opera in my head running continuosly - if this is said , this is to be answered . If that then this and what not.
I am never a self help book person - I actually feel beyond help to speak the truth.
but one book I had once bookmarked to check someday was "Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life"

My greatest problem despite all the wonderful advice I have read and know is still the same.
You see a email, you are infuriated , reply reply now.

Forget fury - In any case I have a terrible habit with email - I need to reply and be done with them.
No other way I seem to be at peace.
A huge disadvantage well wishers have advised.
The best successful people are those who as the quote says.
"I love work. I can stare at it for hours"

So I spoiled a whole day in fury , being upset and what not and ringing up people up north and down south to
get a handle on my nerves and stop behaving like the idiot that I inherently seem to be.

I mean what are you supposed to answer when someone arrogantly (OK I exaggerate that chilling calm voice is what I take as arrogance)states as a benefit of working in this place for over 2 years
"Where did you work previously (i.e its some small mid sized place)- here youve worked on blah blah - a big blah"
And I react
" Oh yeah So what ?? the next blah product you ask me to look at - well the manager there will also say
- I gave you the big chance on this blah , Did you ever work on this kind of blah"

I forgot - I forgot big time - that managers are also human beings
and human beings have egos
and a human being who happens to be a manager and Indian usually tends to have a big big ego.
Add to it the calm ones who are polished and nurse the hurts like a wound which does not augur well for little people like me.

And then just when I was trying to soothe myself from all the woes being visited upon me - I had a surprise situation.
A complete blackout. No power no transport and absolutely locked up for a day away from all this.

I thought I would gain some perspective , but I seem to have lost it, dont know why.
I actually have self diagnosed myself as having a problem of inertia.
When I work on onething I find it hard to leave it and do something else.Even if its not my job - even if its not worth from a payoff
perspective. If I find it good enough to get it started I kind of persist on it.
Similarly When I dont work and veer off to movies and books , work seems like a necessary evil and hard to get started on.
This extends to many other things which includes like not looking for a change.
But fortunately or unfortunately - strange circumstances happen - which finally get me moving every couple of the years.
Seems the next cycle has started.

Anyways its great to listen to stuff you pretty much know and actually might have said to them once from friends.
It reaffirms the whole thing again and makes us feel good.Same stuff we repeat to each other when times are bad , but it does help.
Like one freind told me a such stuff - to calm my mood - part of which I sort had once told her in different words though.Nothing new.
"See if I hire a servant from a village, and she looks after my in laws fine and is very helpful to guests but I dont seem to be
her priority I will still complain right. So it happens let it go."
Then she added her hubby's wise statements to it.(Ok I let it pass that he's a manager)
See if your existing servant whom you started off asks for a 30% hike you scowl. She leaves - you hire a new one at 50%.
And those are the facts of the world we live in."

Actually I previously had a co-worker who for all his faults had a great sense of humor.
He once remarked women are perfect for QA - they have inherent qualities for it.
i.e they find find faults with everything and anything - Nothing seems satisfying enough.

The verdict though has been clean and clear from pretty much my close friends I know.
"You think way too much - what is there to think so much about trying for alternative job.
First try and then you can think - and dont over- react as if your job is in jeopardy (they know the whole issue is simply which
manager gets to suffer me now that I am angry)
You are one hell of a coward deep inside when it comes to yourself - in initiating the change"

Yeah I find it hard to disagree, - but I have my reasons
and at this point they say thats the hard part
"your reasoning is totally flawed but hard to argue with you" -
So I start being a little courageous for myself. After all

"Courage is the fear of being thought a coward. ~Horace Smith"

2010-08-09T19:47:00.003+05:30

Reading Eat Pray....

One damn good thing about letting go on the work front is you shift yourself off to different things.

Also once you work for long on organization specific stuff you lose touch answering generic stuff and so when you gotta go for interviews where they send poor people like us only to do interviewing and they ask the bookish stuff ,
youve got to start brushing up the question answer thing.
And to get in the mood for reading boring stuff I need some light reading practice.

So I decided to read something slightly fluffy to first get back to reading pages and well considering its gonna be soon a Julia Roberts movie I thought ok lets wrap this book first as I am not yet up for more complicated reading.

The book " EAT PRAY LOVE " to be frank is I feel slightly overrated on the overall bit, but I feel this is one book where the movie might be a bit more fun.
Julia Roberts kind of would add up to this movie. She has this knack of pulling up stuff like this pretty well.

The books written in quite good humor and all , but I especially found it written more like the journal / blog and sort of does not give that overwhelming feeling at all.
But then I've always believed that movies and books are different not only to different people but, different to the same people based on the mood and circumstance that the acquaintance with them starts.

So may be I just was in that kind of wrong mood.

Although the most boring part for me was her India part. The part dedicated to Pray.
I mean it seemed the most hopeless part. All she describes is her stint at a Ashram and where they teach her the usual stuff devotion, yoga and self belief.
Now most of it can be achieved at your own home if only you can self control or care to listen to general good.
But you cant , we humans love to led around by a Guru.
If someone we are familiar with tells us - wake up at 4am and sit still for 4 hrs would we revere him/her and do it - No not that easily.
Go to a ashram and have some hypnotic voice say it and you realize God.

I have nothing against the guru concept itself but its more often than not misused . But why complain - it simply shows that most of
humanity loves to follow - they just need a intoxicating and rousing enough cause /man/ woman who can convince them.

Any one can be the Guru -the ultimate pied pipers of this world - you just need to discover the right tune and the children of God flock to you.

Getting back to the book - the India part has nothing India in it except an Ashram and it in no way is India.
It is when I read such authors that I value authors like Shashi Deshpande etc even more whose writing may almost
seem boring to most Indians as its so very realistic and middle class compared to the exotic Western writing on India
Or the more famous Indian elite writers like say Rushdie .
I have written in previous review on Shantaram etc too how I hate this romanticzing the Indian rural village for westerners.
Its a very brutal and politicized landscape and the poorest too are hardly any innocent - the only argument would be they cant afford to be that.
So I felt absolute nonsense in that part OR may be familiarity breeds contempt.
I really wish someone from Italy or Bali can tell how they felt about the section on their countries compared to the others.

Now lets get to what I was not familiar with .
The Italy part - I sort of like it better. Now she might have called this the pleasure part ,
but this is where she delves mostly into her thoughts , so sort of liked it better.Though again I guess people who love food
would empathize with this part hugely.

The only part where I really could empathize was the point where she describes the situation of a friend who has a baby and
just then a successful exhibition of her paintings and throws a party about it and the situation what happens next
- she describes is something I've seen a bit often - where women do act as if its totally worth it and may be it is for them.It was the most realistic part. But well its all perspectives!!!.

I liked the fact that she didn't in the end totally romanticize Bali. She showed how the very kind hearted -- are also very human.
How many cultures in the east have a great reverence for a guest (e.g esp a guest from town in a village is taken such dear care of /
people from the west see our best and worst and not the real shades that we live in.)
and so on but can be brutal and heartless to their very own.
The part where she describes how the woman almost tries to blackmail her for more money -- based on the very permise that most
tourists are treated in here " Arre for them a few dollars is nothing" .
The very fact that normal people from the west somehow are slightly more gullible and easily open their purses in the name of charitable causes.
Its not like we are all misers here but we are relatively smarter about cheats (they being a part and parcel of life here).
Also fact is mostly we need a good enough cause for most things including charity
- like washing away sins
- feeling better for the day (ah my 5 rupee coin let a beggar live a day more on the street)
- or be with the in crowd
Ok I think I'm in my worst sarcastic mood but there are enough good and bad people all across the world just that we love to generalize.

As I said its a good read , but somehow the book did not have that touching effect.
I really feel the movie would be much better.

P.S: The nicest inspirational quote in the book
"it is better to live your own destiny imperfectly than to live an imitation of somebody else's life with perfection"
One thought here - why is it that westerners discover/ are told about such awesome quotes in our Bhagvad Gita.
When they teach it to Indians we have it interpreted differently or rather more stringently.
Imperfect lives huh - in Gita haan - that's against society , again parents and what not .
But that's what the best part of Hinduism - I guess with all its flaws . Its all about finding your perspective in the same words .

I kind of keyed this in a a hurry so well missed the truest line in the
book.Kind of hard to counteract in any sphere of life.
"There are only two questions that human beings have ever fought over, all through history. How much do you love me? And Who's in charge?" Everything else is somehow manageable. But these two questions of love and control undo us all,
trip us up and cause war, grief and suffering.

P.P.S
I guess Im in a kind of feminist tirade mood too - its not planned but circumstances seem to be all for it.
Saw a update on profile of friend who is a mom.
Some guy on her list confesses since my daughter was born ,I now respect women,
great you are you all moms Godly
earlier I disrespected women that they came to office for wasting time - did no work but you are all god
the lady applauds !! Better late than never

I dont know what to say - if I had to say (so glad I dont knowthe chap )-
appreciate that better late ...Or
yeah so now all moms are gods and rest - since they arent gods ??

I hate the whole updates and stuff ...should turn them off .
but they have their uses I guess

2010-08-08T17:04:00.003+05:30

And some work related nuisance

This isnt the first time and it wont be the last but I have my days when I properly turn
upside down all that I work for like a petulant child.
When I rarely used to draw something years ago I had this inbuilt , sketch my favorite rose very nicely and
then scratch it all over or in my best mood draw window rails all over it.
This post is just a rant , a record I am just posting - to look back how I never seem to grow up.

I just did not like it what was happening at my workplace.
I am countlessly told , oh you are appreciated - Good job what not but at the end of the day I have nothing to show for it.
But well thats a normal thing in corporate offices .

What bugged me was the reason for this was that this was because I was in the middle of a power struggle of
two or may be unknown to me three managers.

No one wants to fight and further a cause which does not benefit them directly.
The one who is benefitted is not in a position to further my cause directly.
And thus I end up sidelined.Well this is all again usual I guess.

What I do at such times is my very own style of stupidity.
Most people would simply go out look for a change and slam it in the face of such employers or
look at some brighter side in their life and trudge on in the same way.
I just go and talk nonsense and then feel hugely relieved about it.

After working from the scratch on something for 2 years because I was angry at this whole scenario
I just walkin and say I want to move out to some other department, and well they are thrilled about my asking for a move ,
but not from the whole department - we have so much in here... and so on and I talk back even more ridiculosuly - or may be not.

Ok do you want to do some development work ?

What dev after 6 yrs of QA - no I dont want to be your average developer.

Ok we have some work on blah blah...would you like to explore
No I dont want to do any exploration work at all .

Would you want to do the set up ...
No i dont want to set up anything anymore did fair enough of that

So your interest area in performance end would you want something on that.
No you product is too complex so they dont use tools and
do it like ...... I dont want that.
I did not want to mean that I did not like complex products but I guess they took it like that as it suited them

Ok so you want some new challenge
No i want what I am good at - no challenges anymore Ive taken enough

I did just some similar odd angry talkback like this some 3+ years back for moving out of a module - that I literally owned and was indirectly told to be the lead.

This process seems to keep me perennially stuck up at the same point in my career and well I have my moment of regrets
when I look back at my peers and all.

But they are just moments, they pass too quickly and after a good nights sleep I have to recall what the whole fuss was all about.
It just some well meaning friends who actually do the rub in or scratch the painful reminders.

For now I am like very chilled out.
See the best thing about all my outburst is I've practically announced - no longer rely on me,
and they know they havent much to offer unto me.

So while I did screw up my long term career prospects my short term mood prospects are so better.

But I console myself with that wonderful line

"In the long term we are all dead" - I am absolutely rooting for 2012 end of the world - ok at least for me.

P.S:one thing Ive learnt is we Indians are so conscious about who's the boss - always.
Everyone goes around saying we should not be taking orders from the US people when the whole workforce is here - we do the real
work and what not,but what no one says openly is while they can still swallow some US chap ordering them around in India - nothing embitters people as much as an Indian in US ordering them around .
I wish I just said that one line too. But then I know both sides are pretty much the same so I am glad at heart I managed pretty well.
So lets see how things work out from here.
P.P.S: Few months back when things weren't as bad in life as they are now I and my sister had shortlisted two places to may be visit
if we could save up.Thailand / Leh.
Thailand had the political unrest.Leh now has that cloudburst
It means nothing really and yet I feel so cursed even in my thoughts.

2010-08-07T22:48:00.000+05:30

Some reading ----

I somehow had on the twitter two articles sometime last month on the same day that left an

immensely bad taste and worse mood .

Now one usually does glance out at much crap like this first article and dismiss it as a hopeless insane person.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/07/08/sharron-angles-advice-for_n_639294.html

Which is what I almost did except that the crap line in support of God

" Much good can come from a horrific situation like that, Angle added.

Lemons can be made into lemonade. " and "God's plan." sort of stayed with me

and the usual stuff of bad karma that gets associated with such stuff.

Then as I coincidenatlly read another link that I came across and I almost had a very vicious argument in my head against such crap.

Now this is a very long article on a very sad situation and while it is in general about the post war stuff in Rwanda , the difficulty of reconciling with people who are the prime cause of torture can be a personal thing too in many cases.

There was something esp understanding I felt about so many people being dismissive of physical torure

http://www.guernicamag.com/features/1853/linfield_7_1_10/

I dont want to write much on that and the article is amazingly painful in general.

But since I happened to read the previous nonsense when I read this I wanted to ask that horrible stupid woman

(and they say education makes people better)- look at this about Rwanada.

Now what good is to come of this.

Did God have a plan - how can he make such a plan and be God?

Half a million people had bad karma?

"It says but Human Rights Watch estimates that up to half a million women were raped. Seventy percent of those who survived are HIV-positive, according to UNICEF, and it is thought that ten thousand to twenty-five thousand children were born of these rapes. Their mothers are often ostracized by their communities and live, therefore, in marginalization and immiseration (some have been forced to turn to prostitution); the children are reviled by other Tutsis as “children of bad memories,” “children of hate,” or “little killers.”

I am quite agnostic and dont like to get at all into personal relegious discussions but when such crap is

mentioned by people aspiring to be leaders(forget the fact that she is from US - we will happily have our equivalents ) it seems sick.

I am sure they will justify it by some plan of God surely.

The article touches upon the effects of torture - in the Nazi context in a very moving way - we seem to have these days built this highbrow stuff about soul and heart and all but forget that most normal people cannot think of that - when the body is in painfully tortured - that torture sort of can define their soul.

Améry learned, too, that all those aspects of his character that he had considered central and unique would quickly vanish, leaving only one irrefutable reality: the body in pain. “The tortured person never ceases to be amazed that all those things one may… call his soul, or his mind, or his consciousness, or his identity, are destroyed when there is that cracking and splintering in the shoulder joints… Only through torture did he learn that a living person can be transformed so thoroughly into flesh.” The destruction of the autonomous self—a destruction that, if he survives, will continue to haunt the victim—makes torture “the most horrible event a human being can retain within himself.”

The tortured person loses what Améry called “trust in the world”: a belief in the social contract, a belief that the boundaries of the body will be respected, a belief that the world wants to share itself with you. Trust in the world means that you, too, are entitled to a minimal safety and a minimal life: though the world might not shower you with happiness, it will at least defend your right to exist. The loss of that trust, Améry argued, is a kind of mutilation. That is why “whoever was tortured, stays tortured… It was over for a while. It still is not over. Twenty-two years later I am still dangling.”

2010-07-24T02:51:00.003+05:30

Ahem the Appreciation(Mails)

I had been on this thought since the last fortnight or so but finally in this rainy sleepless night have managed to key it in.

"Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have.
When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times."
Steve Brunkhorst

Beautiful and True - If only it wasn't developed into a fake art.

Appreciationsor rather appreciation mails form one of the most important part and parcel of what we call our corporate jobs.
Oh well even government jobs have some appreciation I learnt when I saw my father display some of his stuff.

Its the perfect alternative cited by the hallowed managers as what one must go after instead of materialistic compensation.
Even if for a moment you believe them you will only end up in dissapointment with how much of all this is fake.
All I want to know is - if I have some one honest enough to let me in on the secret do they believe it themselevs
and most importantly do they think that all their reportees are such blind fools not to see it through.

I guess at the core there are two kinds of appreciation mails - the original and the fake

The genuine and really heartfelt ones - rare from our managers in India, relatively easier to get from overseas customers/managers
Here while some are real nice and make you feel really appreciated ,some are a tad too
profuse and dramatic to the point of being embarassing at times.

Fakes as always have more variety unlike originals - so three very basic varieties

First are the obligatory ones sent - usually in response to one appreciation - its kind of like retweet on twitter

Someone from the top appreciates someone - and so they feel obligated to appreciate to appease the original top honcho
- Good job , Great job blah blah.
And they want us to believe they appreciate. Heck !!

Second are the compulsive appreciators. The ones who appreciate as a mean to appease themselves - something like
"I am on top I have the power to appreciate."
So they send a good job - Wonderful and such one liners for every task by email

Last comes the calculated appreciations a hybrid of the above two
The ones with the right cc , with the right cut copy and paste .The ones which dont just feel fake, but in someway seem to
want to ensure its obvious the are fake - the mean art of appreciation.

Thought about it when we received a appreciation mail for some work from a Sr manager abroad in very simple
genuine almost handwritten letter kind of words.
Felt nice though,No big deal we felt ,apart from the fact that we had to do a
rarity in our project - work late till midnight for just a day.
The cc list was a bit too high up , I almost felt - why the heck.
And then a follow up mail a week later to it saying the customer too was very happy and we were like - uff let it be please.
Glad to hear and love that you appreciate.

And here it wouldve ended but for the fake drama that ensued.
First the clueless immediate manager wants to know - umm what was that for.

I reply back - I did blah blah ...
A did mwha mwha ....

And then in half an hour it gets retweeted to another cc list as I said

Good job B for doing blah blah
Good Job A for mwha mwha . keep it up

Some say this is needed to spread the word. May be it is - So a Good Job with the Fwd will suffice ,
but when you start doing cut copy paste in such manner of my own words - back to me its a fake and makes me despise you for the fakeness.

This is why its probably better to go after materialistic compensation. At least the fakes there have some use till discovered as fakes.

And so it goes...

Its been a messy career move for me, the last one I did I guess. Quite unhappy here in every aspect.
Why do you need to ask for what you deserve??
I refuse to - not a great career plan , but what the heck !!
Its time for them to get what they deserve.
Ive got to move out of this comfort zone Ive gotten myself into. More on that later.

2010-07-08T00:55:00.003+05:30

To Blog or not or whatabout

I myself have been brooding over why don’t I write a post for quite some time, but somehow I don’t get down to it.
Sometimes I feel I’ve vented a lot in here so I probably repeat myself and then sometimes it just feels too much to key in.
Then again I have gotten into that comfort zone of just reading all interesting links links in my Reader and twitter.
and finally Ive lost my inspiration i.e my frustration with people – ive developed a zen like calm with my solitary & hopeless & dreary
surroundings @home & @office
I think half my posts are my ranting against something – some happening , some thing said by someone or worst some movie and so this is what happens by following the zen calm or accepting what we lovingly call our karma.

You don’t even bother to rant and rave for or against things. And yet and yet so much of the stuff you see in the most busy section in a book shop – the motivational books hmmm – they preach the same thing.Accept and be happy or at peace or whatever.
Does that brings peace – now does it really?
I guess it fosters a habit of accepting less than the best .So borrowing management terminology while in short term it looks good – in the long run may be it will only end up in quite a opposite way.

And so what do I write about ??

My pet hate my office – Oh but what and who do I hate there. Almost everything and everyone is sort of absent there. I lead a very solitary and powerful professional team which is involved in something oh well – lemme put it better
The link leads to a paper presented in the field of my work . And the best way to describe my dilemma is presented in the small fable section there.
I just keep wondering who Am I there? Jerry Overworked,Kevin Shorttimer,Ahmed Hardluck

No No I sure am not Anita thankfully

http://www.io.com/~wazmo/papers/seven_steps.html

I have a deep desire to forward the above stuff to all my managers(and I have a bad luck – I never seem to have one – its always multiple) with the above lines.

Movies - Oh but I never am any good at reviews which anyways are done way better by much better people all over the blogosphere. But I used to chatter about how I hated or enjoyed some. But Bollywood has been hugely disappointing whatever I managed to see.
You cant even dislike Kites – Seriously – you cant love it , you cant say what you hate it. Its more greek than spanish truly!!

Books - Ive been reading less books and more about books .
But still may be thats what I can write about.

But honestly I do wish I get myself to write somehow. Its just that life all around seems to be in a very heartbreak arena.
Half the world seems heartbroken or rather hell bent on breaking each others heart.
And then it just feels good to think you are heartless and thus hale before you realize – its too good to be true.
You are play acting exactly what you want to avoid facing.

A sudden bend in time

2010-04-24T17:29:00.001+05:30

The last month and half if that could be a time frame was a sort of surprise , nothing I can write in here much of as I cant see them yet of any serious consequence for good or worse but yet it has changed so much or has it ?

I have been quite clueless about literally everything happening around me and so I just let it go on. Meeting people you thought have all but forgotten you and people you have sort of taken for granted dissapearing suddenly.People who you hope would stand up in life falling into ruts of such low that you don't know if to hate life's cruelties or hate the lack of spine in such people.

It has happned to me sort of earlier if not exactly but similarly. A sudden pattern wherein all the people in life just dissapear.Being not quite a social person this unnerves me in ways, despite the fact that these werent the most important people OR people I depended on .They were just people who sort of kept me ensconced in the world of my professional life which pretty much is my social life too.

Two friends moved suddenly to differnt cities for personal reasons and my teammate (against whom I do rant and rave here and yet we pretty much kept this strange team that we have going )left finally yesterday. We never agreed , we had differneces and yet we never let anyone else use that against us within/outside the team . So now suddenly its like I am stuck alone in one big mess. And in a few days another kid who used to be with us also is gonna leave. I sort of seem to be the last person standing in a old falling castle.

I wasnt sad , neither was I happy , just unnerved by a sudden vaccum in a not very nice world.Its like everyone I knew in my office is quitting and everyone I knew outside office has already quit this country.

I too want to move on but as usual its so many things fears , risks which hold you back especially now in such a uncertain world. And so it goes on for me like a never ending saga. I am at a very clueless point in my life. Things dont make sense either ways when I look at anything.

It reminded me of Kundera's lines in that opening chapter of "The Unbearable lightness of being " (posted previously here )discussing the idea of eternal return

We can never know what to want, because, living only one life, we can neither compare it with our previous lives nor perfect it in our lives to come.

There is no means of testing which decision is better, be cause there is no basis for comparison. We live everything as it comes, without warning…..

And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself?

2010-03-21T17:47:00.000+05:30

Oh to grow up - once again !!

I've been as good as missing from here and well good I guess rather than some repeat cribbing.
But the last two weeks have been a blast from the past time having suddenly spoken/met so many of the people from the past.

And I suddenly wanted to write , just for the heck of it
But well lets start from some other point. The moment I heard the song I knew it would touch a set of people,
so it did and found so many loving that song.
The children who became adults of the 21st century majorly the +/- 1975-80 born people.
A sense of missing out , of how much could have been persists I feel in that generation which spent its best years
when there was such huge competition and no escapes even like 3 idiots.

Yes these are the people who want in their hearts desperately
- to grow up once again - with some sunshine.

Its a lovely song and I know some very hardworking , simple bright well settled people who at the exterior seem like the
calm / unemotional great acheivers or hard hearted but deep within in a very unsaid fashion longing for that sunshine , that happiness as there is that feeling of having missed out on what can never be again.

The movie 3 idiots well thats OK - good fun but I hate it being called great and I dislike quite much
in there (the know it all of Aamir's character - the definitions of success and a lot of the oversmartness -
the book was actually tad more realistic in some sense as there was no HERO who had to be perfect)
but well fun it is - no two ways on that.

I always feel if you have a happy childhood , other half of your life may be good or bad but you kind of thrive on those memories.
But if that part of your life has pain some of the best acheivements and happiness in life will never take away that pain.

Even books from a children's point of view are way too haunting at times.
I had started reading Kite Runner. I was depressed deeply half way through reading it. I had to stop it for a few weeks. It was a beautifully written book but I just found it depressing me.

The other book "A Thousand Splendid suns" did not affect much . It was just another story of what we sort of know and are used to - I mean of opression of women , human spirit and all that - somehow it does not match up to the first book Kite Runner By Khaled Hosseini.

Well back to my memories well I met a friend from school - after 18 yrs and I just talk and talk .
I come home and think why is it that you who take a minimum of a year to get used to talking to a person in your cubicle in today's times and yet have it so easy talking to someone close to two decades ago.

It was so hard to remind myself this wasnt yesterday when we talked. Some of our teachers were dead and life hasnt been kind .
We havent lived up to what we had thought of becoming in school and yet it never felt that far.
Time plays havoc on the mind and letting go of past is such a hard process.
I of all seem to live in a time warp on the surface. Beyond the fact that then I was in school and now I am employed nothing seemed to have changed.

But its beneath the surface that the change lies
- I was then a sad scared and a tense child but had hopes in life , believed in surmounting the obstacles somehow, righting the wrongs
- I am now a confident adult who us is hugely cynical in life now

And yet when you see someone from that past and despite what you see only confirms your cynicism of life and the world
you want to turn the clock back
and grow up - once again

So I re-post this beautiful poem
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To deepest dusk,
from morning sun
to twilight dreams
fantastic schemes
and lives that go awry
such shining hopes
such sudden twists from
bright to dark
from grim to grand
from joy to sorrow
always waiting for tommorow
and a twist of fate
a ray of hope
with the faintest sleight of hand
the alteration of all of life’s schemes
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life’s KALEIDOSCOPE.

Danielle Steel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2009-12-24T19:04:00.004+05:30

Idle thoughts as I laze in a year end break

Been long gone .... have been way way busy with work and stuff the past quarter so much - and that too when there isnt much light at the end of this tunnel I seem to have fallen into.
There's something wrong with me - I always end up working for two bosses somehow wherever I start.
Also this year my evergreen time pass - my dear sister has finally moved to a far lil town so Im just all by myself and my work.
But nevertheless I took a break, a nice week off - no vacations nothing - just too many leaves going down the drain while Im horribly stressed with work did not feel good.
So here I am just sleeping way into noon and reading all over the place in my little room .
I picked up quite a few books, read up all my unread stuff in RSS on the net.
Watched some CD's.Essentially nothing to write much of but some thoughts jotted here.

I cant even write about the books I picked up (it was fun as I splurged on them) as I'm like multi tasking among some amazing variety

- The God Delusion by Dawkins
- Think About these things by Krishnamurthy
- A Thing Beyond Forever by Novoneel Chakroborthy
- Mr Sampath by RK Narayan
- Sacred Games by Vikram Chandra

And then I have stuff I have yet to start

YajnaSeni -
Never let me go- kazuo ishiguro

But sometimes I hate the way my own reading degenerates into.I was reminded it a book fair , there were a bunch of girls picking books
Girl A was trying to pick Olivers Story - the sequel to the famous book Love Story by Erich Segal
Girl B said oh leave it yaar. Its boring -I will tell you the story. The guy meets another girl and then he still does not like her at the end leaves her too . Thats it and it was described in native language by her.

I guess thats a way of looking at it and age does have stuff to do with it I guess. When I read Olivers Story sometime ago I found it a bit brooding may be , but it was more emotional.It did not have the popular appealing eternal love of Love Story. It was about coming to terms with things, that some people just cannot get over things like others can.

As much as I am a fiction person with age I guess you like looking at other stuff .
I still love fiction but a pure dosage of that does not work well for me now , but I guess it never did fiction / non fiction.
That is why I pick up such bestsellers like A Thing Beyond Forever by Novoneel Chakroborthy. It reminds you of all sugary stuff you liked at times and now it isnt bad but has a tendency of getting to you .
But thankfully I am not yet that old to dislike them and start loving the self improvement books.
Gimme a story any day - soppy sugary or spicy.
If anything this year I started reading some science fiction. Started with Asimov's magic and though havent read much of other I absolutely loved his essays in it. Absolutely - the way he distinguishes Magic and Science fiction and all that.

As for now Richard Dawkins is working hard through his " The God Delusion " trying to convert me from agnostic to atheist.
Whether he succeeds or not I absolutely love the arguments - and may be I should read the Origin of the species. Usually I dont really care.
I mean well wherever we came from we are here and thats the thing isnt't it.
Why is it always such a big deal always about - " where we came from " and " where we are going to " I find it hard to get, but I try hmm.
I guess its because " where we are now" seems perenially boring so we let our imagination come into play and without any drugs the best place to imagine is always the past or the future.

I then had to clean up all my finance stuff. I mean when I got my first job I wanted to save and yet there was no google no information like we have today , but I wanted to invest and the simplest was Mutual Funds, and just like a stupid newbie I bought all over the place - itsy bitsy penny money in some 10 funds. It was exasperating to consolidate them now and strained me on my holiday.
One article I loved when reading up old stuff online was this
http://www.crossingwallstreet.com/archives/2009/03/why_do_people_m.html

I may have lost good amount of savings in the market and may never be a pro in that field and make money but tell you what
I like the markets .If only I had enough money to lose in there .Sigh !! I know it sounds more like hoping for money to gamble - but it is fun.
A part of it is explained in that article. It should be read even if you know nothing about the markets.
It will explain why CNBC flourishes with its perenially wrong forecasters - It not not just cute Udayan and Shirin.

The dirty secret is that stock market forecasts are fun.
It's odd that people ignore this basic insight. Markets are a lot of fun. Sure, every serious person is seriously concerned over market forecasts because they're not serious. Still, people do it anyway. Why? It's damn fun.
..................
Finance is and has always been a game. I've noticed that over the past few years the look of ESPN and CNBC has become steadily similar. That's not an accident. .......... Heck, the indexes are nothing but a scoreboard...................................

Of course it's addictive because it's fun. Trading or forecasts aren't harming people. Investing and risk-taking is good for a society. Obviously people should know what they're getting into

The worst part of taking a home holiday is you still get tempted to open you office email and see all the pending work and list coming your way come Monday and it spoils the whole damn peaceful aimless lounging around.

2009-09-20T21:35:00.003+05:30

Watching Before Sunrise/Sunset

Watched two really splendid movies over the weekend.
Before Sunrise and Before Sunset are two wonderful movies each having a different context though about the same people. One's about the youthful optimism and one's about realism.
I have a hard time understanding the fine technicalities of movie making but anyday few things capture me. Good Screenplay and dialogues, expressive but subtle emotions and overall beautiful cinematography like Santosh Sivan does.

These two movies the conversation is all you get and want. The setting may be Vienna/ Paris but what you do is strain to hear every line and considering they talk literally throughout the movie its awesome.

Before Sunrise when I saw in the afternoon I liked it as a sweet movie , the kind on which our DDLJ stuff could have been based and kind of like a memory of youthful times when you wanted to believe in love and all that .

It makes quite a logical question on the soulmates issue which I loved - It goes something like this
"OK, well this was my thought: 50,000 years ago, there are not even a million people on the planet. 10,000 years ago, there's, like, two million people on the planet. Now there's between five and six billion people on the planet, right? Now, if we all have our own, like, individual, unique soul, right, where do they all come from? You know, are modern souls only a fraction of the original souls? 'Cause if they are, that represents a 5,000 to 1 split of each soul in the last 50,000 years, which is, like, a blip in the Earth's time. You know, so at best we're like these tiny fractions of people, you know, walking... I mean, is that why we're so scattered? You know, is that why we're all so specialized?"
But overall it was relatively much feel good.

Before Sunset is different - its much heavier though a bit shorter(Actually together both movies are less than 3 hrs).
As the director said somewhere it is romance for the realists and I absolutely adored it.

The discussions are more about the world and how its affecting them rather than memories and dreams.

It is when you watch Before Sunset that you love the original movie a little more like you love memories a little more.

The discussion goes on and on in Before Sunset with no obvious conclusion but as is said in the movie - its about evolving through

"Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them"
Overall its been quite some time since I like something as much. They are a great watch.

2009-09-06T12:23:00.003+05:30

Escaping Life

This is going to be a long post of mish mash , of my readings , of thoughts , some unwritten snatches remembered and some pieces fitted in.
I was looking up some of my older posts and realized Ive lost even that focus. Even though what I write is hugely diarylike I asked myself why do I write then on a blog, may be because making it a post allowed me to focus on a structure or a thought.

But I seem to have even lost that grip and so I write even less. But whats worse is its become quite hard to read books as I used to read.But I try for my own world is collapsing just as I assumed it would , but hoped it wont.

As quoted by R.A.Heinlein one must never be a pessimist
“a pessimist is correct oftener than an optimist, but an optimist has more fun--and neither can stop the march of events.”
But unfortunately events have proved me too correct for my own good esp at my home.

Tolstoy knew what we was talking about when he started that morose novel with the lines
"All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."
So is ours .paranoia , hurt ,power and economics rule our lives more than we care to admit.
If I were younger I would have still been complaining but for now I just know each of us are unhappier due to each of us
and its a vortex of hurt we are being sucked into and I fall in line.
Giving up doesn't solve it.you have to keep fighting it and that is life.
To escape this and a listlessness of a different kind at work I tried my only escape left.Books
=======================================================

I thought a simple fantasy story would keep me hooked to another world and started reading the Lord of the Rings, a movie which I resolved not to see till I read the book.It was a hard start esp the initial pages I just was losing my patience but it was the Gollum story and Gandalf thing that finally pulled me in and I was lost for a few hours every day.

But wherever you get lost one line here a thought there pulls you back too your own world

Lonely men are we, Rangers of the wild, hunters – but hunters ever of the servants of the Enemy; for they are found in many places, not in Mordor only....................And yet less thanks have we than you. Travellers scowl at us, and countrymen give us scornful names
“"Strider" I am to one fat man who lives within a day's march of foes that would freeze his heart, or lay his little town in ruin, if he were not guarded ceaselessly. Yet we would not have it otherwise. If simple folk are free from care and fear, simple they will be, and we must be secret to keep them so.”

As I read this my thoughts of having peace came back to me and then I thought one cant have peace without war , whatever some people preach.You need some brave strong and fearless who fight so you have peace. I don't like this thought but somehow what I see around me convinces me more and more of this.

The news then got filled up with death of CM of Andhra Pradesh in unforeseen circumstances and you can see everyone for a moment was in shock, not out of of grief for the departed or such but more because of it brought back to people the fragility of life, the helplessness of man against nature .
It convinced the fatalistic even more of fate,
to the religious the certainty of the power of God ,
to the happy go lucky it convinced them that there may never be a tommorow so live for the day
and to some it reiterated their own beliefs.
We all interpret events ,books, movies by our past experiences and deepest emotions ,fears .
How ever can there be an absolute truth?

===========================================================

Have started reading Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Rashmi Bansal.Its quite a good collection till now though I must say nothing beats Steve Jobs speech.

Though when you read something like this (its by Shantanu Prakash of educomp)at a time when your pay sucks and career seems hopeless you really feel...Hmmmm lets somehow get out of this

Two years you may struggle. If the average salary is Rs.15-18 lakhs p.a. (gross) how much do you make in five
years? 18 x 5, right? After tax, you make some 50 lakhs.In 5 years, I can guarantee you, any business you do, will
earn you that. Assuming that you are at least a little bit intelligent, within a year, the valuation of your business
itself will exceed fifty lakhs. No matter what you do.

Now its not the logic of it which can be argued , its the sheer confidence and obstinate persistence I think that makes some people successful.But then failures don't have books written on them.
=====================================================

A friend brought up Atlas Shrugged a book I read a decade back and cant recollect every scene, but she was a author I liked
though not quite completely in the usual sense.
Ive written about it here.

I tried re reading parts of it and though I still like the conception of her theory its a ideal we can struggle towards may be , but it ignores so much. The Francisco money speech is one of the best in defence of the goodness of money , something you want to throw back at all those smug people who say money is evil.
"When money ceases to be the tool by which men deal with one another, then men become the tools of men. Blood, whips and guns--or dollars. Take your choice--there is no other--and your time is running out"

But what this assumes is men always deal honestly with money, truth remains that men make/buy men as tools using money too and just as "blood whips and guns" money too is a tool used by mankind to gain power(over what depends on the individual ).

Ayn Rand is quite popular among some of great acheivers Ive noticed and you have to say that in her times it seemed right considering what she must have seen living at the height of communism and complete subjugation of the individual, the high ideal that she created even she never lived up to it , because life even for a individual sans society is much complex.

Every individual somewhere deep with is a sum of the parts of his experiences and personas he battles within.

================LIFE SIMPLE ?===================

Someone remarked at office - Life is simple people are complex in a different context?
Is it ? - I wondered at heart. what is life if not people and how is life simple.
People defintely are not but so isnt life. Its just that since we cant simplify ourselves we wish life was simple,
like a set of rules and so we have religion or society or whatever that makes people frame the rules to live by.
And people who refuse to look beyond it and live by it may be do have it simple.
But its a choice in the end and it has to be made.

===================THE GOD OF SMALL THINGS ==========

The last book I read completely immersed into was like 2 months ago and though I was moved enough to write on it I never managed to.
I have had a certain dislike to Arundhati Roys views since well like very long and my tendency to stay away from hyped books at times prevented me from reading "The God of Small Things" . But I guess everything has a time and so I finally read it.

I have a complete distaste for many of her arguments esp political but I say she writes marvelously.
I felt that first when I read her piece against the nuclear tests in outlook over a decade back and was very impressed and her novel is moving enough.The book may have the usual nuisance like the incest parts and the India for the west potrayal (inserted for sales) at times, but I rather ignore them and enjoy the better parts.

She really brings a visual and auditory feel by her words esp her repetitions and the childrens parts there were truly refreshingly childlike.
"Ammu held out the crisp matching knickers for her. Rahel, with her hands on Ammu’s shoulders, climbed into her new knickers (left leg, right leg) and gave Ammu a kiss on each dimple (left cheek, right cheek). "
You could almost see a small little kid girl being readied by her mother.

It was probably a long time since a book had captivated me by its style and writing .
I liked the kids part of the description in the novel hugely for its sheer innocent beauty.

The way life was as I stared at another of the birthdays then I just could think of the lines
"Not old, not young, but a viable, dieable age."

The line keeps coming back in the novel and in thoughts so very often.
And then the below

Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstituted. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly they become the bleached bones of a story.
Still, to say that it all began when Sophie Mol came to Ayemenem is only one way of looking at it.
Equally, it could be argued that it actually began thousands of years ago. Long before the Marxists came. Before the British took Malabar, before the Dutch Ascendency before Vasco da Gama arrived, before the Zamorin’s conquest of Calicut. Before three purple robed Syrian bishops murdered by the Portuguese were found floating in the sea, with coiled sea serpents riding on their chests and oysters knotted in their tangled beards. It could be argued that it began long before Christianity arrived in a boat and seeped into Kerala like tea from a teabag.

That it really began in the days when the Love Laws were made.
The laws that lay down who should be loved, and how.
And how much.
However, for practical purposes, in a hopelessly practical world…

So she proceeds to the story and while its flaws are immense the little goodness outshines them when you read it from the heart.

=========================================================

Watched Kaminey. Did I like it YES I did , considering that I am not much of a gangster movie fan I still liked it.
Shahid Kapur was quite good and though I did not think it great of anything as so many reviews say I liked it . Seemed like a 70 mm movie after a host of multiplex movies.
I am not very sure but may be it was just my mood which made me like it. My mood of letting this world go to hell I guess.

The music too added to the mood.I love the line in the title track

Jiska bhi chehra cheela, andar se aur nikla(whenver i peeled the mask off a face the face was completely different inside)
masoom sa kabootar , nacha tho mor nikla(the innocent pigeon when it danced , it got revealed that it was a peacock)

=========================================================

2009-08-07T21:42:00.000+05:30

Movies in Busy times: Love Aaj Kal etc ....

Last month I catched up on Movies finally.Two of them were terrible disasters I would say , the third though nothing great saved my day .

Love Aaj Kal is not a movie you would not call awesome in any way. Its good but its more pathbreaking than many will let out.
I mean see Shahrukh promoted this convincing parents theme and last minute - shaadi mandap interrupts and while it looked sweet then it really became unbearably irritating after a point.

So finally we have a movie wherein after watching umpteen Hindi Movies so that nothing in a movie is ever suspense Love Aaj Kal
has just that one moment of suspense and I am revealing it .
Saif asks Deepika ok so what is you status - so coolly- as if its like a facebook or Orkut Status.
So does she at the last minute chicken out of marriage to the other guy rahul Khanna ?
Oh no she does it better.Now I know why Imtiaz Ali chose Deepika the dumping queen .(YuvRaaj must be thanking his stars)

She gets married and next day when her husband is scanning through the honeymoon vouchers she gets her realization and the best thing is the cool way she says. "I have to talk to Jai now and if I feel he is the right person, I will say sorry to you later for all this" to her husband.
Now that it pathbreaking truly in Bollywood.

But apart from such stuff the movie is absolute new gen stuff and is likable though I'd say it could have been oh so better.

Jab We Met was such a simple common story which is like aired every week these days on TV and yet it has a timeless sweetness.I have seen Socha na Tha partly and that too is much sweeter.

Love Aaj Kal is not sweet, its kind of as practical as the lead characters , though the 60's track love story looks sweet enough , you know its just rose tinted . The not so sweet story unfortunately is more true.There were a few couples who really danced at the theater at the end at Aahun Aahun. They kinda seemed cuter then many parts in the movie.

So while its a no no for puritans its quite fine for a watch.More so for the songs which Ive kinda taken to .
I just love the Chorbazaari number - its like ages since Ive listened to a song for over 3 days in a loop.

Things are bad enough at home and work ,
I got another of those classic emails about latecoming from my manager(the reason as usual though unlike from previous managers was cho chweet, "I dont want my people being tagged as habitual latecomers") but Ive since long given up and can laugh
and hum
"Dekh ke mujhko hasta gaata sad gayi ye duniya sad gayi"

=================================================================================

Now a few lines on those disasters

- Kambhakt Ishq, Why oh why i went to the theater. The loudness the crassness and I dont know it felt terrible and since
thats a hit , you know why you hate most people around yourself and at time oneself too.

-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

It ruins a perfect story perfectly. I mean I still recall how much I was thrilled and in suspense when i read this book
and posted this post on it.
This movie kind of is like a art movie, into which they put unnecsarry puppy love which in itself if done would have
been enjoyable. But its a joke and a waste of time.
I had hoped for some better stuff in the last part where they go to the cave to get the ring . That too was not thrilling enough.
Dumbledore death is like so hopelessly done that you do not even get it.Only nice thing was Malfoy's character seemed better empathised and presented on screen, like its internal confusion etc.
The horcruxes are not explained and they leave the whole thing about Voldemort's past which I thought was quite important and presentable on screen.I pity the people who never read the books and only watch the movies.

2009-07-25T00:40:00.000+05:30

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
Came across this moving poem by Oscar Wilde from The Ballad Of Reading Gaol. (Seems there's a song by Gavin Friday on it)

Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!

Some kill their love when they are young,
And some when they are old;
Some strangle with the hands of Lust,
Some with the hands of Gold:
The kindest use a knife, because
The dead so soon grow cold.

Some love too little, some too long,
Some sell, and others buy;
Some do the deed with many tears,
And some without a sigh:
For each man kills the thing he loves,
Yet each man does not die.

2009-07-25T00:38:00.000+05:30

Extremely boring stuff ahead .....

OK Fate has conspired to ensure that I finally write a post after what seems ages since I last did.
Happenings are perfect -
A mid year\review discussion at office - the kind that makes me desperate to vent out.
And I forgot my laptop charger at the office so no busy busy work .
Its a forced break from work this weekend and Im detemined to make most of it.

As a first proof of my maturity or mellowing down with age I will not unlike my previous posts ham and ham about horrible management.

Lets start it with some unsaid thoughts. I had thought and thought in in myriad hues - about saying this and that months ago but then this got planned suddenly this month and I was not really up with my exact punchlines . Sad hmm.

Life is cruel , My manager received a terrible feedback himself from his team (I was cruelly neutral as has he been) as his scores were out just a week back and the fella while sportingly trying to recover from it goes in for another review and I say Im unhappy and so on....

I have no scope here...this that ....
I am told about how scope in product companies are different (slow moving wonderful elephants).
Then I am asked what have you done for your product and you talk of scope and so on and forth about the innovation and differentiation.

Anyways Ive lost the plot honestly these days.There is lot of back flashes to all this wherein
I am the angry frustrated person among the oh so cool acting people lecturing like "Baba Whatsoever" saying
Take it easy , Calm Calm Cool it while muttering and simmering inside and being sarcastic whenever opportunity arises.

Neverthless when I complain about no feedback - I am told I've been told earlier too to schedule a meeting to discuss such important issues.
But I finally get one, I think you should be quite successful but you see you seem to come across as a very harsh person ,whom people are not keen on approaching but people like we who work with you
find you quite fine. So you should be some one people should ant to work for.
Now I quite sportingly said "I take that"
What I left unsaid is You are not the first person and you wont be the LAST to say this.

Faking it is the greatest corporate mantra (or may be the way life is supposed to be).Show a little emotion and you are frustrated. WoW
Serves me right for ignoring all my assumptions about the big MNC's. But the thing is I'm quite tired in Life and et I have to look forward and plan a move to get any raise.
Half Glass Empty Thinking - First Time in my career - Over 18 months - and no raise and no diamonds
Half Glass Full Thinking - First Recession seen in life (ok lets not think the IT crash of 2000)

Wealth / Knowledge – Perpetual??

2009-05-09T02:00:00.001+05:30

My sister for all the uselessness and failure she has built her life into is way too sharp and witty.
She is someone in front of whom you feel that you are absolutely uncreative and what one'd say – can't think differently at all kind of person.

Was reading Pamuk's snow and had a bookmark with a Socrates quote saying
"Prefer knowledge to wealth, for the one is transitory, the other perpetual"

Now its a good one and I never thought much about it and if I had thought too I would choose both or say its a tough choice and many many arguments .
But here's how I was cross questioned.

Tell me where does he say which one is perpetual. The line is open – he says one is perpetaul but which one.
I say its obvious – knowledge is perpetual.
She says how can you say that.
What was recognized as knowledge 100 years ago is not always relevant and you also forget things you learn.But look at wealth say a 100 rupee note/gold it is still the same.
So whats perpetual hmm.

Now only Socrates can answer that. I just cant.
P.S:
I related this to few friends and laughed at it and while some just laughed – one very well meaning and concerned friend lectured – you should have told her and educated her that you too must update urself and move on and make something out of your life and get a job. Some people for all their well meaning just dont get it neither the humor nor the facts – that you just cant change people.Somethings must come from within.
She followed it up with more concerned feedback about how I was not making an effort to settle down.
For all the pain they cause me I love enemies than the well meaning people I've been blessed with most of the time.
The last month has been as it is nasty at the office.
I've become/developed myself a outcast for most of my Office people.
If it wasn't recession and I being in a secure but terrible place where of all the sad things can possibly happen professionally – the chance of firings is the least – I would have updated my resume .
Saddest part was someone I hoped was a trifle better too seemed to be untrustworthy at times.That kinda upset me more than anything else.
It feels like being back to where I started from. Of course I am no longer the same but the place seems familiar.

2009-04-19T13:42:00.001+05:30

Just a bit of Sarcasm

Sarcasm - I will agree is " intellect on the offensive"
and yeah you dont just get it just like that
- you need to suffer and then get over it with the spirit .

You could see it yesterday with rahul dravid saying what he did
"Conditions like these give boys like me a chance to play"
Oh how the modest man has changed with all that he has been through and the way times
have changed with the young aggresive men.

But then I will go back to my beautiful school days to reiterate how time takes off the rose colored glasses.

Here's the lovely poetry by Surdas - something that I loved then and now too
the difference being just the way I think

Translated loosely it says
Where would I find peace and happiness O lord
but am just like a bird on a ship would fly all around and be back to the ship.

Leaving the lotus eyed god who would pray to the other gods
Just as Leaving the great and pure Ganges only a fool would go and dig a well.

Just as any bee who once having tasted the sweet nectar of lotus would never have the bittergourd
Leaving Surdas's great god who is like kamdhenu(provider of all wishes) who would milk a goat.

I loved the beauty of poem - it was taught with great passion by the old teacher and
I love reciting it just like just that life's ways make me think of it with sarcasm

Why will some one who has tasted sweet nectar eat Bitter gourd - Ok dear they will if they have diabetes
Why will some one with sense dig a well leaving the Ganges - Hmm if u see the Ganges and the sins and the filth in it any one with an iota of sense will dig a well
And goats milk does have its uses in the health conscious and other areas where the great cow cannot survive.

It means nothing much - beyond that I 've gotten over so many illusions that I now feel it was nice to have them .
As mark Twain famously says
"Dont part with illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist,
but you have ceased to live."

2009-04-19T01:46:00.000+05:30

Finding a safe cocoon in Work Work and more….Work

I’ve been like at my most work alcoholic phase of my life.Its not because I have more work, well its because I am taking it up.
Its not cause I hope for a hike or a promotion (cause recession / or at least the hype about it has ensured that there’s not a remote chance of it) but just because I feel better doing it.
There’s hardly anyone questioning me out here, I pretty much have my way, the team
work is relatively reduced by my own way and Im happy doing individually whatever nuisance I seem to be in.

Things are not very good all around in every sphere of life - so I seem to have taken a kind of solace in being lost in getting the stuff up and running at work.
The work is nothing very innovative(my self reflection tells me I just ain’t into innovation though every company seems to have innovation as its buzzword these days - I like success in implementation i.e seeing things work.) .So this work is more of getting things to work and well seems to give me some peace as I work all day long late at home while no one @ office bothers what I am working on.But then thats the best part of this place - flexibility.

Anyways I kept thinking so much of reading something, watching movies,and writing a post but somehow, felt better to just get lost in work.

It took some troublesome scenarios at home all over again to make me feel like writing again.
But in the end it was because I simply forced myself away from the work and tried to accept the fact that in here - in this life ,I will never have my way without hurting myself and everyone.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
— Mitch Albom (The Five People You Meet in Heaven)

You fight your way in the world , hope wish and finally get a small room to yourself and now people wish to move back to a little cozy all in one happy togetherness of sharing and adjustment as this causes trouble and finally something for them to worry about .
Logic has nothing to do with this its just a whim to be taken care of - save pennies spend pounds is what works in my home.You can go on non co-operation movement but then thats the whole point. You hurt yourself as much by hurting some.I’ve tried to break off in my own way as I do not fit in but fate’s never let me.
I do wish to act highbrow and say I do not believe in destiny but I can’t.
But yes all my life I’ve done one thing as is said
“I believe in destiny
I also believe that I have the right to restrict its options” - Ive surely exercised that right - at what price is debatable.

Looked simply its nothing, its just that some people like me were just wired hyper - sensitively in a very wrong manner . To handle this requires immense insensitive behavior and doing that makes you feel bad in general and so you end up being unhappy anyways.(On second thoughts there seem to enough people around me who think I look way too happy despite too many not so good things.)

At work I’ve just one teammate and as much as I am annoyed by the fake niceties of this chap I’ve tolerated him cause its WORK and because unfortunately we are in the same team and started off having lunch together with another chap and my manager since we all joined and now not want to act childish and make unnecessary enemies for no good reason.
But one fine day I just snapped back at a joke made when I was seriously checking some financial stuff and since then the chap’s started being deliberately uncommunicative .
While this would be a reason to celebrate in all normal circumstances it ends up causing immense communication issues during work, so I did what I never do, i.e keep talking as if all was just fine , as if I never noticed that you were being uncooperative.
That I need to be like this causes immense strain to me.
Then there’s my manager - poor chap acts very decent but has indirectly implied that he’s had to suffer in many quarters because he had to go and ask for clarity in work and this he did - because I really made huge noises about it.
I do feel bad about some stuff which has happened but then I believe that was due to wrong handling, but then that’s the problem with quiet people. Its tough to guess whats going on in their head.

Nevertheless I was really stuck up and all, tried reading a book and unfortunately I was a with a book which though different and good was not quite the right one for my mood - “The Autobiography of an Unknown Indian” By Nirad C Chaudhari.

So today I just re-read the speech by Steve Jobs which is something I really love apart from the Orhan Pamuk stuff I keep loving and writing about , then read some blogs and I really feel so better and I finally wrote some nonsense in here.

I will write something better may be tomorrow itself.

2009-03-15T13:02:00.004+05:30

Just a few thoughts

Long last year vertigohead recommended me to watch The Jane Austen Book Club on a post comment and well finally I did.And did I like it sure.
Its quite a lovely watch, and while it does make you want to re read Austen.(Except Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility I cannot really remember characters of all other novels completely.) what the movie did was may be inspire me to think about finally trying out a bit of science fiction because that's probably the one genre I tend to deliberately avoid giving the same reason , that its not about real people
and other stuff like - as it is am struggling with bits and bytes at work why bring them into the book readings too.

Then this week again there was some astrology drama at home and I have such a thing against them since probably I read Macbeth first time.(detailed rant here).

Then that day as I watched Matrix on TV ,I just love that Oracle part.
There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path as Morpheus says.
Well true,agreed but in that case why bother with knowing it .
Why not just walk it believing you will find the path yourself, why is the oracle needed??
So that they can do what psychiatrists do mentally train you to believe the right thing ??,
in that case how can you call it destiny.

I esp like that question the oracle asks Neo, - would the vase have broken still if I had not said that.
Thats how I think astrologers are so much of the time .
Its so much wordplay , psychology and powerplay .
Macbeth's Witches!!!

2009-02-24T23:45:00.005+05:30

Of bridges to build and ones we crossed over
Saw poem in IKWP's comment and as I've always said when I read or hear anygood stuff in any native language even the best of English words seem not expressive enough.
Sometime last fornight was sorting my stuff and while I've written a lot about my English books from school I never wrote much on my HIndi stuff which was as fascinating .In fact I found reciting them immense fun.May be I should write about those memories since life right now is way too dull and listless.
So here's one such which when I read I could not stop laughing in memories and when I took it to my sister she said you read stuff so much passionately and funnily then that if we had the same books and syllabus did not change I'd have passed without studying.
We both agreed that this deserved to become a poster for motivation in my ofice cubicle.
Its sarcastic, true and yet sweet and funny.It by Hindi poet Agyey and is based on the part from the epicRamayana where it is the monkey army who built the bridge which eventually helped Rama and his Army to cross over.
The english translation of this is
Those who build the bridges
will definitely be left behind
The armies will cross over
Ravan would be killed
Ram would be victorious
Those who were thearchitects/builders,
would be in history
known as monkeys.
================================
The poems in that little thin book still fascinate mesometimes making me believe in goodness sometime making me even more sarcastic.(My favorite Surdas poem I've made heartless fun of it in my mind by now - will post on it later)
My notes in that book are even funnier. I cant belive my Hindi Maa'm quite a old lady dictated them so beautifully.
shringar ka arth hai premi premika ka pyaarshringaar do prakaar ke hothe haisanyog shringaar - jab ve saath hothe hai, viyog shringaar - jab ve door hothe hai
Ah those stupid daysWhere to find such IX th Std kids now.shringaar tho bas bindi hai I guess.
And then I found a ad and a song which I loved those days.It used to come before World This Week . The Monte Carlo one.

Hmm seems too plain now ,but it has nostalgiawhich nothing now can ever have.
In fact I looked up all my favorite ads from DoorDarshan those days on You tube.The Cadbury's one's for me are tooo good and oh so many more.I've become terribly old.You know it when you douse yourself with so much nostalgia.

2009-02-10T00:01:00.000+05:30

Scattered Thoughts

Been wanting to write since long but somehow things just dont work out. I was just looking up 2008 and I wrote like 3 posts a month. 2009
seems to be starting off worse. It not the numbers , its just that so much is there and yet so much seems the same and so much seems
worthless to key in.

There’s a virtual disconnect with people most of the time. There is work and yet no work which leaves you satisfied about something useful
created however trivial(Thing is my temperament seems to need that ). Seems like just catering to the whims of one and all out there.Have been
trying very hard to be harmonius in a work environment where things seem to be extremely sour beneath the surface.Though we do the usual
smiling routines the vibes are worse than when there used to be open fights in my previous office.
I am like a neutral point because I’ve become immune to much stuff and am unambitious enough to care to take offense.

I am not keen on moving much from this company now (ok flexi timings and easy work culture is a great turn on) but seems like I
will have to later if not sooner - if nothing else finances may force it.
Things are the usual pain at home, but the change that will occur this year with Dad retiring and coming back home is quite a challenge in itself.

My own hurts within seems to have numbed in life - having given up on most stupid ideologies. I hardly seem to be bothered about much except health and wealth which still constitute worries.
What still bothers me is the pain I see around me-( oh no not I’m not that great now to talk about our worlds’s poverty and the heartless
villians). It just everyday people like me. I still see how we hurt each other , sometimes knowingly , sometimes wantingly and many a time
with no reason whatsoever on the surface and I still get disturbed by it.

Circumstances make us be friendly with people we despise and cold shoulder people you care for, so many times.
And I see how warm people turn heartless with circumstances and it makes you feel all the more cynical.

A girl asked me about the scope of a job position in R&D in a electronics company and I said I dont know much , it all depends on so many things.

But what I wanted to say was that , we’ve entered the era of Insecurities.
No job , No life , No relation is secure, If one can depend on anything (to an extent that too) - its just oneself.
Everything in the world seems so fragile and evanescent.

I had so many things on my mind all through the last month and yet I’ve lost the ability to put them coherently somehow.
Reminded me again of Evening Solace.
Poetry is sometimes such a solace compared to a story which means a world at times.

2009-01-14T17:27:00.003+05:30

Some Nonsense I'm living with and a Gross Misjudgement on my part

This has been one hell of a stupid kind of fortnight since the new year. As ever appraisal time are as evidenced on my blog are usually very drama oriented.
This year at this new place I am may be doing a complete U turn and writing a defence for the other side. But what is bloody uncomfortable is I am a fringe player in this drama and yet it has affected my mood worse than when I was at the center.

When I was at the center it was a one or two day thing of fretting and fuming and a post or two here - thats it - then get on with it - the work the life. Now its like there’s filth all around and every other day something sticks on as you stand at the fringes thats the feeling.

This is going to be another of those boring long post to shake off some of that feeling .

Joining a new project /organization especially one where most people have stuck on within themselves together hating it - too much with the mood similar to the “better or worse” norm - for a minimum of three years - (I dont know the maximum ) it is tough enough for someone who’s slightly socially challenged and has dripping sarcasm and being single open for speculation.

But what’s worse here is unlike most places where work somehow due to its sheer quantity and the competition took precedence and blunted the direct effect of such gossip and its different side effects. Here the frustrations and ill will is played out like an art - the sort it probably was done during the Cold War.

When I joined I was the first member of a new team in a set of very old teams working together to safeguard what they could retain by merging into a huge corporation.They like the brand name now but are not willing to give up their secrets or rather what they believe is the result of their hard word and experience to anyone new - their only source of security.

In a way I am fortunate I feel . It could have been worse but then if it were may be I’d have run off again .
I mean I was put in a brand new team - with brand new people and a manager who too belonged to the newer brand .So I kept myself relatively isolated but then our work inherently depends on the old guard. Why they hired us - under what great/ inner agendas this whole thing is going on is yet unclear. Suffice it to say that our team has a slightly differential status as its more specialized in a generic area and not deeply competent on a product only which most here are .
Thus as of now we have lesser work(Not that we mind it - but we were at times desperate to do something more).This sure hurts people who believe they are a slogging workhouse.But well thats ok, I’ll take it any day.

When I came in first the most problematic timing was the lunch. You never knew where to go. In fact I believe it mostly is in any new place and even in older places. One excellent piece on this scenario which is very close to my experience is described in an excellent manner at this blog.

Started out in the inhouse cafeteria room where women who get lunch boxes converge but as I heard the saas bahu sagas and people started getting too personal it made me flee. Luckily new team member A joined and our manager too joined them- being new in this location himself somehow to lunch with the team.He’s pretty easy going and casual and so we did not mind and hence 4 of us lunch together i.e 2 of whom report to him.Now I had very deliberately avoided my managers at lunch(despite their nice efforts - i was quite abrupt) in my previous jobs. That I preferred the opposite scenario now is in itself is obvious of what I think of the rest of the crowd.This was setting myself up for some crap from mean people but I was prepared for this .

It is relieving to walk to a different building where the canteen is as unlike my previous place where I was hardly at my desk I am glued to my desk here - work or no work.
It feels better to hear a bit of nonsense about politics cricket or some work related crap rather than being questioned about how your mom allows you this and my mother in law is against this or doesnt your sister get bored now that she has no job.The faked concerns just get to me .Dont know some are may be genuine but I neverthless dislike it.

I am a dull person usually so I surely feel fine when there are abit of effusive and talkative people around , and in such a new place there was this vibrant and fun girl R a northie slightly loud but easy to get along.
I was not down south at the age when people acquire tastes and feel I lack that understanding and appreciation for the South Indian movies and jokes which seem essential to a lot of conversation without getting into personal matters of home caste and family.
The one thing about her was she spoke out which seemed better to me most of the others who spoke at the back.
R simply is very well known and chats non stop about her family ,lovely daughter and has a tendency to get very concerned about personal life of others (something she denied vehemently and has now taken as a personal affront - as her new manager now which happens to be my manager(Ah Irony) pointed out that she paid more attention to personal matters- now I pointed out that at least thats how she come across as - even though she does work very hard ).I sure should have more sense to keep my mouth shut but I just tried being some good friend and tried to explain why she is perceived by the management and she should act slightly professional - rather than just going on about my work is professional stuff. By my stupid advice I invited some more cold professional vibes.

I would have cared two hoots but for the fact that I have been assigned something like a consultant on a tool to her and thats being my nemesis.

Thing is for once I simply MISJUGED hugely the amount of trouble being friendly with her will cause.(this post must be a lesson learnt for me).
Not only that I spoke a bit more about others with her than I now feel I should have.
My manager said once you should drive R to finish this job soon now that you too are part of helping her - I felt very upset the way I was being used here by both people.
She walks up with errors and expects me to instantly answer them without any trial and error i.e if you try to compile and check - oh I have done that - next what and next what and acts as though thats what a consultant is for.When you tell her that may be her OS is corrupted and not the tool as ntdll is a windows file she gives a decent shrug - oh thanks a lot dear .
If she was the same from the start I dont mind - this drama started since the day she talked about her management feedback discussion and I gave my stupid friendly advice.(Silence is golden I remind myself so much now again after

damage is done)

She’s built a deep seated negativity about my manager due to one of her past friends who while quitting had enough fracas with this manager.She vents it out in ways our team is rather uncomfortable with and me and A both find it unpalatable. He’s hardly a great manager - too indecisive ,too much of a loyalist and has a too much of the traditionalist approach at times - and for me the worst part is sometimes he gives too much of a free hand at work which people take liberty with - including me at times- but he’s as fair enough as they come I felt .

The Appraisal discussion week is the week of long faces all over.Whatever it is the repercussions were so bad that finally the poor exhausted manager confessed to us- (that such a assumption would be made was news to him was new to me, I thought that its an expected scenario).
“People here are so unprofessional that almost everyone here it seems expected that you two would be rated higher by me due to our being very friendly at lunch.But what to tell them that even you two are extremely displeased with my rating“.

This was because we both expressed serious concerns and had record of nearly 2 hrs each of furious discussion over it

with him .

Though on my part I simply used it to vent all my concerns over work and all and I dare say his experience in managerial diplomacy was appreciable.
For most of the part I really was fine with the rating simply because the work I did as per me just good and I do not consider it anyway excellent by my own standards.The tragedy is there’s no one in the project with better standards.
Our moot concern was if you dont give us work how do we display our competence and he countered it in standard managerial way.
Go beyond you duty - come and ask and take up tasks. I was blunt enough to answer he should know why I or rather many did not do that, I do not want to be saddled with what I dont like.
What upset me was simply that people who did below average to bad too get rated the same but then in those damn rating system you just have excellent / good / average and anyway in a year and and in a company where the difference in hikes as per ratings(if there are any this horrid year) is usually just 1 or 2 thousand why bother.

So honestly after that 2 hr argument I just was like chilled out and cool as I never was after a appraisal discussion as I never was in all these years. Then I slowly noticed the insecure talk all around and experienced the whole R drama and it simply leaves you with a disgusting feeling.

Update: Ok next day R came up and she said , don't feel bad I was in a terribly bad mood and Never meant to hurt or ignore you in any way.Well at least that relaxed me a bit, howmuch ever she meant it .

If nothing it vindicates my decision to avoid the management track at quite some cost to myself.
I just am not comfortable with such people games even if I can at times out of sheer necessity play them I am extremely uncomfortable in this arena and it takes a huge toll on me.

2008-12-25T20:22:00.003+05:30

Some thoughts on the chatter and confusions post 26/11

After a very hectic fortnight in November work again is languishing in the festive month of December(yeah for MNC’s it is) - , but I’ve had too many things on mind and too little coherence in thought to pen anything.

So much has happened all around.On 26/11 I was working late night from home with TV on and me glued to my laptop and frustrated with slow network when I first saw the news scrolling and since then watched on till over 24 hrs till I got exasperated at the way things were stretched out.

But the hardest part is the conversations the lunch time ones.Everyone has opinions - so do I so no offence taken but the way it goes on unnerves you.

I have seen relatively liberal people suddenly becoming extremely touchy about religion and to some extent I seem to run out of any arguments on this and at times feel I am succumbing to it despite being agnostic.
Things are such and while one should not desist from calling a spade a spade and that the most destructive harbingers of terror right now are fanatics of what they call jihad.
Fanatics of Hinduism and Christianity and Communism and all are the same - a horror for humane peace loving society but the one difference one sees is while most other fanatics are somehow outnumbered or at least well matched by the liberals of that sect or community,this seems sort of difficult in a religion where any voice of dissent has a fatwa issued somehow(not always literally - but imagine the plight of being a outcast among aggressive followers of such a God esp when projected as a voice against their God).

The deep rooted passion and aggression displayed by fanatics of terror is lacking in the just and peace loving denizens of the religion.
My stupid doubt is if you can be brainwashed about injustices , is there no shrink available who can brainwash a few about the just things and right things - even in these dark times some good does happen I am sure.

Whatever all this is I hardly believe solution is as simple as most people project it.
Why are people so unrealistic - whether we like it or not partition happened and we have a Muslim population higher than anywhere else .There is no community or sect of any kind which is full of saints and the world is not black or white.

So why do even well educated and well traveled people talk of simplistic and jingoistic solutions. (But when a Booker Prize winner like Ms Roy can talk Trash of the kind she does(Ive some instinctive dislike to her and her recent talk and writings are pathetic) - We just hope way too much from literacy - rediff message boards are a 24X7 proof that literacy does not take humanity forward and education is a different thing altogether. )

People just point to history as a cause for a happening.

History repeats itself because we always hark back to it , get agitated about it ,relive it rather than avoiding its mistakes.

Is is really possible in current scenario of so much globalization to wipe out any chunk of a major community sect or religion and its followers that easily - without getting into the dark ages and making the bulk of humanity irrespective of religion/community/sect etc suffer for decades.

In today’s age of nuclear weapons and biological and chemical warfare how can anyone with an iota of sense believe WAR is a solution.But so many people talk as if these terrorists are a set of boxed out things which can be wiped out in one shot or two. What people forget is the days of winning and losing wars in a realistic sense is over - its all about how much and how long one can bleed the opposition.

In fact i remember the quote from the “The Art of War”-
To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence;
supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without
fighting.

Then almost every one talks as though Army Rule was is a solution to our corrupt politicians. This from people who make comments about being checked at entry and exit points. Are they really that thoughtless or do people just make conversations for the heck of it.
I oscillate between being irritated enough to argue a point or two and remembering the golden rule of silence.

Everyone says this time things will change - yes one does hope but what I concluded when I heard people was somehow this - There is a serious leadership vacuum in our country.

Everyone is charged up against corruption - against our politicians , against traitors, willing to do things and what not but what they want is a new leader i.e a new GOD.

The followers are ready but where is that leader who can satiate them.

Americans found Obama and they found hope and so “Hope, deceiving as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route. ” - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Where do we find our deceiver - Nah dont tell me its Maya … - the great deception.

=================================================

P.S: I came across a few articles on the Net and so on a relook I too at times on looking back felt that The batman with its Joker scenario was too much of a coincidence for 26/11 - of course batman is missing.

Though now I do wonder all those fanatic admirers of Joker do they admire Kasab too ?

2008-12-17T23:24:00.005+05:30

Merge for a single view ....

I had for some strange reason in those old days created two seperate blogs and then believed that one was better and merged them into wordpress.

Now with the blogger's import export feature I've merged my Frozenthoughtz and Fragrantechoes so that the blogger one is pretty much the same as the wordpress one and there is no need for two blogs esp now that I write relatively less.

The fragrantechoes blog is left undeleted but it wont be updated.
From henceforth its
FROZENTHOUGHTZ.BLOGSPOT.COM or FROZENTHOUGHTZ.WORDPRESS.COM

A Serious Joke

2008-11-14T01:15:00.001+05:30

Ok I have a cruel streak and here's a example.But then the world has
too much of a stage loving posers for my comfort zone.
There's my sole teammate at work w.r.t being a peer - he's a tad short
.The chap used to be a bit too effusive with self gloating humor
and all and so I too never bothered much about restricting my sarcasm.
Now I've shut up but I guess its a bit too late and the way it pans
out is worthy of note.
Months ago as we returned from lunch , he with a spring in his step
was jumping around hitting some signs hitting across the office
corridor.
I remarked in my blunt manner smilingly that had you done this when
you were young it would have been better.
He immediately said you should not say such and i realized ok ok one
does get touchy I said Sorry .
Today nearly 3 to 4 months later as we were going for lunch he
instinctively jumped to hit the sign post and and then checked himself
with a clenched fist. I noticed that and later during some remark of
his I remarked that you act as if you dont care about things but this
is how at heart you take things.

And now in front of my boss the joke continues.
He:You know what would happen if I tell to the HR what you said says he.

Me: Oh go ahead tell it to HR.After all i just spoke about the
benefits of such jumps when young :) rather than now.
He: No No This is a hurt to short people and discrimination.
Me: Ok enjoy yourself go and complain
He: yeah then I will become famous about a reverse case of discrimination.
Me: May be but then you dont know how many well wishers I will have
who would say what a brave girl - just said what's on her mind while
we could not say it .
He: Ha ha nopes nothing like that will happen
My Boss; Smilingy indulging us while making mental notes - yeah by the
end of it all the organization will have to hang all signs too low so

that no person feels short when trying to hit them.

Now all this was done with smiling faces . This exactly is why A joke
is always a serious thing.
Life's a vicious circle we all somehow fall in and it nurtures itself on and on.

2008-11-11T18:52:00.000+05:30

I did try to write a few things since last month - since typing on the PC was not working i tried writing it down.In fact when Saurav announced his retirement I almost scribbled 4 pages but as was not in a mood to type it.

And now I just dont feel in a mood to type what was scribbled.
My last post was about seasons changing in a very general perspective.
But now since then so much has changed irrevocably in this world.
There will be more dawns,
more flowers will bloom but what moved on will never be back.
There's my favorite words from that beautiful song - Zindagi ke Safar me guzar jaate hai jo mukaam vo fir nahi aate(The destinations that you pass by in the journey of life will never pass you by again)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Phool Khilte hai(Flowers do bloom)
Log Milte Hai (One does meet people)

Magar Jo phool patjhad me murjha jaate hai
Vo baharaon ke aane se khilte nahi(But the flowers that wither in fall do not bloom when spring arrives)

kuch log ek roz jo bichad jaate hai
vo hazaaron ke aane se milte nahin(Some people from whom we seperated are not found even by meeting hundreds of people )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So much has changed with nothing changing on the surface.
Somewhere far there's euphoria over a new President elect who people believe will bring in change.
The problem with such euphoric changes always is what change is not exactly anyone wants to think about.
You want to numb the pain and any thing like tranquilizer is good.

But nearer home and nearer to heart is a much smaller change the loss of our very own tranquilizers I guess.
It was a strange feeling this whole australia series.
All the time thinking more of the past series I was.Its taking some time to sink in.

No Sourav to watch any more...Kumble wont be around...
And people are after Dravid now and he being in the form that he is if one thinks by the head he better go with respect.
He has done a lot good and it would be sad to see him have to be thrown out without grace.
But when you think from the heart you just want it to last just a wee bit longer.May be till another abroad series.

Of course the last cut whenever that comes would be the hardest and its kind of a dread.
Cricket for my generation at least for me will never be the same without the Fab Four and esp the most special of them Sachin Tendulkar.

I dont like to write much on it because of huge nostalgia and stupid sentiment involved here.
Watching his cricket was the brightest light in my darkest days.

The Team photographs watching them together for may be the last time reminded me of my collectibles from college.
One being the Outlook magazine with the cover of the three of them as the Trinity.(I must have wallowed on this previously too in my blog)
I still look at it and think over the huge turbulences that happened esp since Chappell stepped in to scatter them , but it was so heart warming to see them all together at their felitications.

There seems to be a philosoper's calm descended upon me or may be i just am acting it to myself
to prevent looking back.Change does that to you at times.

Will still watch cricket after Sachin too signs off but it will just be a nice game.
There wont have tears anymore for a loss or for a wicket or a crazy joy within. Just pure fun.
There wont be any need to hate Mom for switching off the TV late in the night that is if i stay up till late.
Ironically she never does that now but then can I tell her its too late for the compromise or nicety or whatever.

May be there will be better players somewhere down the line lets see but I doubt if anyone can arouse the emotional attachment.

As Oscar Wilde put it
"The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life.
And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy."

Our era is pretty much over.....the generation signified by the Fab Four in cricket - Shahrukh /Aamir and a few in Cinema - a time of optimism - open economy - where being a world citizen was the buzzword.

Now there's change - Dhoni - Abhishek/Ranbir kapoor etc and way too many - aggresiveness is a mantra - protectionist economies - and localite populism to the core is the keyword.

Not that I dislike so many of the current . I enjoy them but just that they fail to have much of any original identity beyond being young and upcoming or leave any lasting impresssion except may be Dhoni for his unflappable calm if nothing else.
You look at Sreesanth and almost feel like supporting the opposition at times and thats the terrible thing.

In mainstream Cinema almost every heroine looks the same and heroes are trying to also fit into the same mould.
Of course the offbeat movies now are quite a joy compared to what was available before.

"In a crazy world, it's only your insanity that will keep you sane" -=-Leo Buscaglia.

So Right now I am getting nostalgic being immersed in reading all articles on net and news and stuff on TV about them just like I used to before I had a real job and all and a future to work for.
The future anyhow wont be coming soon anyways so I let it hang in suspension and spend time looking up the tributes all around from equally stupid people(who make me feel so sane) who even in such a state pen emotions so beautifully . I empathize and even sympathize.One awesome piece is here on cricinfo.
There is only 1 time that i ever failed in my board exams and
I did nor care much about it that day as India had won then - so states my diary - Ah my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also got a scanner at home so I finally somehow decided to destroy my juvenile chronological personal diary.
Its presence caused useless trouble of misinterpretations at home once which makes me empathize with
Ekta Kapoor's storylines of misunderstandings so I did not want it.
You open it , read the hurt the pain and you see how ultra sensitive you were in a practical world.
So yes when I look at it I know I have grown up - becoming the cynical realist if nothing else.
Though one must say juvenile poetry is horrible to look back on.

So much of the writing is self focused. Someone said that - I said this - and then the quarrels the environment - the fears.
My blog now kind of like radiates my thoughts about others from me.
My diary was more like how the world around me and everyone's actions radiated themself in to hurt me.
I can only laugh at how long its been since I believe that I as a story should have been done with by now - by the creator.
But the best part of it is - It shows my descent into agnostic behavior from a beleiver.

My dark future imagination actually has remained mostly intact from my diary days to my blog days except when I write of books.
I always seem to start with some tragedy of mine except when there was a India win or Sachin century.
None of my fears were baseless or unfounded just that I have always underestimated my resilience once I have lived and cried over them and overestimated their ability to finish me up.
So yeah I am quite a survivor till now though where this journey ends will decide if its any worth - this survival.

2008-10-02T00:13:00.000+05:30

Noticing the seasons over a weekend

Every year its the same seasons for us and they come and go whether you notice them or let them pass by busying yourself in the necessary activities of our mundane life .

Yet there will be a day - some day when you some how suddenly see it or rather feel it - That the season's changing and then feel as if its something to be noticed.

It was a late Saturday afternoon and after being tired working on a issue which seemed worth exploring walked into the balcony .
The light sun seemed to shine specially on my nearly wilting rose of pink and white hue and then slowly the sun started setting and as I spent time lazing around - you could feel it all in the air like YES!!! Winter is starting and enjoy it for a while.

And then the wintry chill of memories takes you over . Things start flashing in your head - its been such a boring long life most times and yet you remember.
Of childhood gardens -
Of childhood taunts -
Of the stormy dust wind rounded up right in front of the rickshaw as you came home from school -
Of things you've given up on
Of people who made you smile
Of times when you hoped
Of times when you believed

There isn't much to be sad or happy about - its just a day - its just a season I've seen for three decades and yet may be its those decades that weigh you down .

2008-09-23T23:48:00.000+05:30

Aargh..Just the same

Aristotle was right - absolutely right
“All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind“
And so was whoever who said that nothing changes - life just goes round and round.

Again the same thing(Huh even my normally sweet and reticent friend today agreed once she went to US - that yeah all jobs are the same)
Again a flashy fiery email about what else but workplace attitude.
Again some funny cause - being unavailable for a remotely broadcast training arranged way too late i.e for a product you’ve already finished a project on .
Only difference - this time the cause is not a single person ( I like to give the benefit of doubt to some people some times ) but simply a comedy of errors or miscommunication (unless I think up a conspiracy theory here which frankly in workplace scenarios cannot be ruled out.Now I didnt mean outside the workplaces such scenarios are ruled out - they actually are the norm, Ask Ekta Kapoor. )
Ah that line of Karla from Shantaram and how many times do i quote it - “If fate does not make you laugh you just don’t get the joke“
I’ve been getting the joke more than ever these days.
And to think just in my previous post I was sort of complaining about feeling less passionate about venting or raging about anything .Think before you wish dear - Think before you wish.
=================================================================

P.S: Read up the blog of a chap I knew (Blogging’s become so very fashionable these days since Amitabh and Aamir started it that I feel like stopping writing here - feels as though I ‘m trying to do some in thing).
But neverthless quite a revelation some stuff - though sometimes I wonder if a lot of it is fact - especially stuff about some gals. Reminded me of the boasting done by the character Raj in “Bachna Ae Haseeno” after meeting the first heroine in the story played by Minnisha Lamba.

2008-09-23T00:08:00.000+05:30

Old and Nostalgic

Time just surreptitiously takes away your life - a day at a time and before you know you have nothing left.

Did want to write something from quite some time but its just that have been unable to zero upon anything.
Books I tried to speed read - a few non fiction,
movies - well a few but need some discipline in my head to write anything
the world around you crashing in different ways and means - floods ,stock markets, terror attacks and yet I seem to have become sort of lost in my very cocoon , once again.

Work when its open ended makes you feel busier than when say its target oriented. Work centered around evaluation / exploration of stuff seems a cool thing but in the end it strains you a hell lot more than when you work towards getting done with stuff to acheive a target thats set.
Handling such things then becomes more of an attitude thing i.e how you as a person want to take it based of course on your position in life and workplace and universe too i guess.

You don't have the pressure of targets - so if you have a take it easy and anyway we can cook up a story and such get away kind of attitude life is pretty cool in such work scenario.

Problem starts if you take it as though you want to put across something substantial for the exploration/stuff you have been working on and you hit roadblocks at everything, and you never know where to stop , what is enough or is it good enough.
Being at a new workplace in such a job sort of makes you more intent on the second option and thus I've been feeling a bit like a workalholic.Not that many will believe at my office since I walk in pretty cool at 11 .

Sometime last month again I went through living my usual yearly stress - of avoiding people forced to wish me happy birthday and asking for treats and cake and all that drama. Not that I dont do it for others , but they seem happy about it. I pretty much may be mistaken about them.Who knows.
For me I never since childhood enjoyed it and with time I tried my best making people miss it which kind of had a strange effect.
They missed it that one time and after that never really. So the best way out was join the exuberance and say oh people would like me to be at home and avoid all and then give some treat just any other day to make them feel I was normal enough.

People who somehow crowded my life with their affection, though I never looked or hoped to get it all have dissappeared with time and its cruel ways and it is now you feel the vaccum.

I've never minded being alone and loved solitude since childhood somehow but as they say

How sweet, how passing sweet is solitude.
But grant me still a friend in my retreat,
Whom I may whisper--Solitude is sweet.

When I was a child I never had the friends - so may be it never meant that much
but now after these years of cribbing complaining and sometimes escaping a set of people I miss their presence.

But oh I'm older - did not some Ted Koppel say
It becomes increasingly easy, as you get older, to drown in nostalgia.

Or May be I've been born old - an old soul - hmm cause I seem to have been drowning in nostalgia since forever. Over 3 years of nostalgia on this blog seems a testimony to that fact.

To hell with All - Just Kidding

2008-09-12T01:29:00.001+05:30

Had a real bad day yesterday capping a bad week.
Nothing new , just scraping up of old wounds, but Ive lost it and just blew it up.
I just cannot put it up any longer and its these jokes and the "Just Kidding" people who frankly inspire violence in me.
In the workplace you have to be cordial to one and all ,in the name of collaboration, and at home too you get hammered on the virtues of settling down with whatever and wherever so you find some more people to be cordial to. After all we wont last forever is the lament.

And gosh what is it that I earn given all my insecurities(even freshers get paid almost the same
these days for their freshness value, its so low brow), but I live among the great new Indian middle class and hence
seems almost everyone is after me - only person right now living the high brow IT dream(though deep down they have their doubts ,
how come she's still never gone abroad.All companies send s/w engg abroad).
Of course they are just KIDDING.

What is money , after all did they not spend so much on me - i.e buying their favorite things for me .

When i proclaim that let me live my life in peace for the few years I may live, I aks nothing from anyone - my very own who are the epitome of optimism ,and still beleive in doing or in fact planning everything in the next decade rather than now - question me ,
"If you have no such belief in tommorow what is it that you do with your money, where and why are you stashing it ".
This from a set of people who never know or care where they blew up all they earned in three decades - to me who's earning
since just last five years.
I used to walk 3 km to save Rs 5 on my Internet expenses because the way I was handed out pennies I hated asking(now the story is we gave what you asked),
I was shut up on one occasion too many saying that I could not earn a penny so I better behave and now I am told ,
you take every little thing to heart, it was just SMALL things.
If we take what you say seriously what will it be like ? is what i am told.
Hmm well yeah - WHY DO YOU NOT TAKE IT SERIOUSLY IS ALL I SAY AND THINK.

Someone in the family buys a car and the whole gang and their wellwishers who visit believes since I earn enough and have a plan anyways I should buy a car - take a loan.
I blow up about taking loans and I am advised and rebuked - come on its not like you were paying it off immediately or buying it,
just smile and say ok and forget it. Its just their way of joking and talking.

"It is your mistake surely - you are being touchy , they just expressed their know how and opinion"(uncalled for is what i can say)
Oh yeah I am being touchy.I am bloody hell am.

At the workplace people who happily had all the fun - onsite jobs , parties and a lavish lifestyle now say well we dont own a house.
Look at you- you are single have a house and what the hell do you do with your money ,
you even stay with your parents so hardly any expenditure.Come on give a treat...he he its ok JUST KIDDING.

Oh yeah I am being touchy and stupid and have lost all my patience with people.
Point is why associate with such a hopeless touchy person, more so when she wilfully stands out of your way.
The kind of violent emotion the whole drama inspired in me , makes me realize all said and done English is never the first language.
I cannot express that well enough just wish I could as easily blog in hindi/native language.

Then there's grossness in people. R made such a cheap remark about S being no good, just because he hasn't been helpful for her
in her career plans,such gross spite made me re-evaluate my whole association with her.
I cant handle the raw gross cheap language used. Its nothing bad may be just raw emotion on her part,pure frustration like me
but getting so badly personal about a person for a few career issues made me feel so very uneasy. And its not like they
stop at that - she expects you to either support her or the opposite person and giving reasons.
After such stress on diplomacy you get home and what awaits you is more of the same, this time more where it hurts.

All my loving ones and caring and always well wishing for me dearies all over my home and in the world
can you please stop KIDDING with me.
I just was not born with the mood.
You just wish humanity be damned and then say Oh was JUST KIDDING.

2008-09-06T19:07:00.001+05:30

Reading India Unbound

Last fortnight had so much work that I never managed to write about this book which I really liked reading, and as always with time its never quite the same for me. My thoughts as I say on my blog , with moments- flit by.
When i finished off reading the Introduction chapter of India Unbound which ends with "Although slower India is more likely to preserve its way of life and its civilization of diversity, tolerance, and spirituality against the onslaught of the global culture. If it does , then it is perhaps a wise elephant." I simply felt like ha ha Wise Elephant eh - how hindsight can leave you so cynical.

These lines must have been penned less than a five years ago and yet here we are in a India where things seem to be going quite the opposite with hatred and seperatism and religion seeming to be leading the onslaught against peace.

But the book does reflect how the pace of change itself has changed. Change might have always been a way of life , but its become so very fast paced that it becomes tough to keep up with the next happening or risk predictions of any kind.

Coming back to the book as a whole, its splendid simply because its one those few books that manages to talk about economics of India for over a century as a whole with perceptions of individuals especially of different generations as example.It never feels like a heavy
statistic oriented or overtly economic theory oriented and the best part for me is it explores both ends of a equation. The leftists and the Rightists, individualism capitalism socialism and there is no taking sides or solutions of any kind.
Proven solution offering books that irritate the living daylights out of you and one the foremost reasons why i hugely prefer fiction over non - fiction.

Like he says at one point
"It is important not to direct people too much and to let them find their way. It might bring out their creative urges. This is not to say one abdicates responsibility to train employees.....but he or she must refrain from controlling them"

Something I found quite interesting for example was his description of the impression made on him by a 'A Theory of Justice' by Rawls wherein he felt " moral justification based on consent seemed to me superior than the greatest good for the greatest number". As he says further "Most of us
became Socialists because we were repelled by the inequality of capitalism.Having said that it is important to remember that Rawls model works only in a genuinely open society. In the end no society even America is completely open.The key is to ensure that everyone has a equal
start in life and hope to raise to the Top."

The books starts off with how rich India was but the good part is it does not keep harping on it. It shows why it was that and how it was us who lost it rather than someone really looting it all from us and why we better concentrate on creating it all over again rather than mulling over who took it , and blaming them for what we are now.

It potrays quite vividly about the leftist and socialist feelings of the 60-70's especially in young people and why exactly once those rose colored glasses were gone the world had actually moved on far ahead.

Somehow as I read this book the movie 'Hazaaron Khwahishein Aisi" somehow played on subconsciously in the mind.
Like when the author says "As I look back on my four years at college , I am shocked that we were so concerned with the distribution of wealth in those days that we ignored the whole subject of wealth creation........All of us wanted to be scholars and dedicate our lives to the dispassionate pursuit of 'truth beauty and justice' like Socrates"

Then he comes back to today's scenario
"Today's undergraduates both in US and India don't seem to suffer from our hang ups and our Idealism.They have the opposite problem...today's youth I think need to be reminded, I think that there is a great world out there beyond money."

His anecdotes from corporate life too make a nice read.
"A Swiss manager of a MNC told me that a sure way to inaction is to put two talented Indians on a Global task force. They will never agree and brilliantly argue the proposal to death."
His account of how he was treated by his first managers in India once he came to India after graduating in US makes quite a read.
Another beautiful and for me commonplace incident was his description was of meeting with few young people in Bandra whom he asks "Would you take arts in college" and gets a the true reply.

"Arts subjects aren't high scoring" ......."in Science you just have to memorize a bunch of facts and luckily I have a good memory"

The author then ponders over that our education wherein no one had told him that science was about learning to think more exactly ....."experimental habit of mind".

Nevertheless he concludes that the young are no less virtuous today - chief difference is there is less hypocrisy and more self confidence.
I somehow am not very sure - I must say I see a very different hypocrisy and a tendency to the very old religious extremism right now which makes one feel like we almost want to go back.

As always there might be a simple point wherein you feel strong empathy in any book and for me it was in that one line "For one Dhirubhai who succeeded there were hundreds who failed".
I've been surrounded quite a lot by ever green dreamers of being someone or something like him if not exactly in that sense but getting to the simple point - making millions soon enough . What none of these wonderful people know ,and if the theory of positive thinking is to be
followed must know is - of those hundreds who failed.

Thing is I feel deeply uncomfortable about is the discounting of the possibility of those hundred and relying on the success of one.
Like a friend recently asked after over a year of niceties , so when did you pass out - oh 1998 - it was a good year only nah(he must have joined college then )and you did not go to US. All your friends in US must be millionaries by now. What do i say as much as I try. That i know of people who've scraped through there, of people who are living well enough there but millionaires, nah I know none.

The book states stuff in a matter of fact style and that is what made it appealing to me

"In the competitive market some will gain and others will lose.Even if the winners greatly outnumber losers, In a country like India, The losers will be considerable.But it has to be that way in a society with a young population that needs to absorb an increasing labor force.One should be aware of the downside of capitalism, but one cannot morally stop the yearning o fthe underprivileged and the poor to rise to a better standard of living.....Nobody knows the ideal social mix.the West certainly does not offer a model ....for its excessive individualism has a corrosive effect on family and society.Individualism is certainly vital in the economy of information and innovation but the west has also learnt that Individuals need a supportive society as well.......................

.....It is no good hoping that Indian values and Indian way of life will survive intact...Asian values are indistinguishable from Victorian values....Modernization has its positive and negative consequences and we have to live with them"

"The irony of liberalism is that it gives the individual free space, in order to fashion his life, but he is unable to cope with the free space and fills it up with trivial objects....without an ideology - life is reduced to an endless pursuit of cars cellphones channel surfing".
The core point he puts across "Self interest has always been the greatest motivator of individuals and classes. In denying this basic truth about humanity, we embraced treacherous ideologies and failed economic policies."

Its something many people try to deny but in the end thats a truth Ive always seen win.

Though there is no startling knowledge one will gain through the book , its a real interesting overview of the interesting times that we've started living in, and how that the most trivial things at times may affects us with a far greater impact than what we call the most important incidents ,and what misconceptions we always start our future with.

=================================================================

P.S: After finishing this I was engrossed by the very personal murder mystery by Agatha Christie "Sad Cypress". Its so enjoyable to see how beautiful a study fiction offers on human nature, rather than the most philosophical books.

A very cruel thought - Was hearing about the food riots in Bihar - Thoughts went back to the 'The Dark Knight' . The Joker won in his experiment?

But sometimes when one sees such stuff one does wish one has real tangible solutions .Nothing seems to convince me that donations by a even lakh people for over twenty lakhs will suffice.And most people like to calm their conscience by donating a few bucks, but no one thinks who will administer the relief bought by these donations, a thousand or so volunteers for such a huge lakhs.

Not me I know, Not my colleague or friend or whoever I know. We all have a life which we may hate but we still have not been able to reach onto such high ideological humanity serving paths.So I really admire the people who get personally involved rather than donating etc in such efforts and feel a bit challenged at never being that kind somehow.

Then you think of Nature and you know that Man has never won in so many ways.
Its become a mutual destruction path the way things keep occuring on and on.
Man destroys nature for his ever expanding needs and Nature destroys mankind in its gay reckless abandon ways.

2008-08-23T23:59:00.002+05:30

The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason. - T.S. Eliot

It been hard resisting that temptation.
Its so very easy for me to do that right thing - like say be nice to people for they are nice to you.
I am naturally polite most of the time and can behave like quite a soft spoken person but to behave like that with people , for issues I do not believe in or I am not convinced about is being hard on me.

Happenings last week seem quite very simple on the surface but there is a feeling they will resonate in my head for quite sometime.
It was such a beautiful day today at home i felt somehow since the morning that i did not feel like writing much about the dismal things that are around me.The day almost made me feel somewhere some good thing had happened. May be i woke up with some nice dream subconsciously, nothing else explained it. I felt so fine that i did nothing much except stare through my window onto the sunlight beaming all around.Its only after nightfall that I manage to write somehow.

Its quite easy being rude and cut people out its said but its really tough I feel esp for me if you are not convinced that these people have no ill will towards me.It makes me feel queasy after i behave the way i do.

After ranting so much against my team mates in quite some previous posts due to their opinions and thinking , when i think it over charitably i feel a bit bad , simply because none of this whole charade is regarding me in particular.
I somehow end up in situations where people at least outwardly are rather nice to me. Too nice for my comfort frankly.

The hardest part of life right now is having a too sweet and a bit too friendly absolutely unmoved by stuff kind of manager is - you dont know whom to really get at at times.
The culture in this wonderful place is where nothing seems urgent or planned explicitly reminds me of that quote
"Take your life into your hands , and what happens? No one to blame".

I try to maintain my distance and try coming across as extremely ill mannered but ah i am quite disturbed with all this.
Like this incident when both of them invited me over to check out the houses they bought recently as they were going there and it was on the way for them to drop me at home.
I made the most pathetic excuses , to the extent of saying they should not even look forward to a cup of Tea I am such a bad host in general, but neverthless when i did ask them they just had a glass of water, but the thing is I feel bad being so unkind to people who for whatever reason are decent to me.
I just do it with some nice self deprecating wit but still I dont like being that unhospitable.The issue is honestly its not a comfortable thought to think of fighting/arguing with a manager and team members who visit your home. That kind of status quo spoils things.It is actually being quite a learning curve for me.

It is quite an experience shifting from a services organization to a product based organization.
You miss the buzz and happenings and expectations that are part of being in any services software or otherwise.
Appreciations from the clients, the expectations (most common being the onsite stuff), the particularity of things, the careful drafting and revising of emails repeatedly befor hitting a send.
These are the very things you hated then and I stll remind myself of that instead of calling them sweet memories.
Here where i am its a perfect place for the innovators i guess OR the world weary - cool atmosphere , not much nonsense about etiquette and relaxed attitudes which only get disturbed on news of firings for cost cuttings.
And here I am complaining I have nothing to look forward to.
I complained about the extreme pace of things then and now i fret at the lethargy of things around me because i have seen things moving faster in every sense.
Why is quite such a big thing to have the balanced best of both worlds i quip….

Then there was another drama which left me all the more unsettled.
Some of my mother's close but far off cousin sister turned up with her family.She's a government servant , with a husband who is a lecturer in a small town. Belonging to the educated but traditional kind of family they started the same charade that everyone does , but in a more polished and kinder way than say the more rustic relatives.

They see me after what some 20+ years and express their deep affection and keen desire to see me well settled and try talking as they say some sense into my head. I try every trick in my book dissapearing to the balcony , picking up a book and keeping silent saying that i hardly am much of a speaker.

But the lady seemed quite intent on forcing a rountable conversation , with her hubby my mom and sis included and would stop at none.
She thought I should stop at reading books, enough books by now. I have a job too , so thats enough.

Anyways the conversation veered off in all directions of my expectations , their experiences etc etc, with the lecturer ending up asking me , how much do i earn - a question i deliberately did not answer but was forced to quote a figure in a way only Indian relatives can.
In fact the man joked it off saying "Tell me - lets see how much i have earned after putting in all these years of service and how much you people earn.What is that you people do to get paid such. All these stress strain things that people talk on these days."

My essential problem is unlike others is with age i become more passionate when talking about what i believe in and have lost the patience that i seemed to have so easily as a child.I started pretty reluctantly due to this but when they seemed to be so insistent i gave them a piece of my mind.
"Its pretty simple. You as a lecturer can take classes of any quality as you like that is if kids attend firstly and get away with it, not something you can really do in our case and so on as easily.
For you what you have learnt in college is the end , here you just have to keep unlearning and relearning."

The fact is there are so many misconceptions in half the people outside software about software industry.They just know software engineers = good money earning and scope and US chances.There is one set who thinks they are overpaid for jobs that even Xth standard people can do and the other half thinks just the opposite . I almost feel like cracking a bad joke that well because a highly educated person supresses his capabilities and does a Xth standard job he ought to be paid more.

"Whatever happens no one employed now will lose jobs for next 20 years " says this man and I tried to enlighten him about my friends who were given pink slips with 2 hrs of notice period.That the real money is hardly earned by an average software engineer but by businesses which were built to cater to them.That half of the rich lifestyle this set of people put on is debt money in the shape of plastic cards.

Its really easy to snap such people out of your life i think and then realise , but for my family or may be my job i would never associate with such.
And as this continued , I was told that my expectations were all wrong I tried to make some fair arguments and my sister chipped in with some but for them all that i could talk of were trivial.

As per them
Finances should not be an issue(This from a person who in the previous conversation had said he never joined any of the universities as a professor because , it only means research and career growth and I want financial growth too for my family hence i stayed on as a college lecturer- which i though was a very honest decent answer.)
Lifestyle should not be an issue.
Differences in upbringing are not an issue.
Looks must never be an issue

Survival is the the word they spoke of (though i guess social conformity was what they meant at heart and should have been spelled it such ) and then I really was worked up to a point that i was forced to be blunt that I survive decently if not well and any so called compromise of settling down should improve my quality of life rather than doing the opposite.

The conversation finally was ended up with a cheery smile that we both sisters spoke too well and know almost every line of argument, but you know from those polite faces that these things have resonances in people heads, like how the generation has changed, how the world is going to become and what not.

The thing is they were not bad people or one of those scheming / sermonizing relatives everyone has their share of - but they just belong to a world I want to escape from.
They cannot see beyond what they are in ,as they find it safer and comfortable in there and I do not like what they show me from their perspective.I never like being so heartless to such people but I guess that seems to be destiny.

Anyway life goes on and at this point in life with over thirty years of being a nuisance in the
universe i can only quote from somewhere

"The years are forest paths
Where I've lost my way
Not even a sun-ray
To guide my wandering… "

The best thing though in this rather unsettling week was my reading "India Unbound" by Gurucharan Das.
What a fine book , nothing earth shattering and yet so effective in presenting the country's journey from pre independence and its dilemmas to this age and i will write a seperate post on it. Its core may be set about the economic ideologies that have changed but its touches a whole lot more splendidly.

P.S: this was a old post i somehow missed hitting publish

2008-08-17T13:35:00.001+05:30

The unwelcome women managers

People seldom differentiate between managers and leaders but there’s a huge difference there. And while with respect to leadership women may be fine though using different style totally I’ve never seen much loved women managers esp in middle management.I do not mean competent , they are more often than not competent and ambitious but i mean I’ve never heard of any mid level woman manager being admired inspirational and so on.There was some talk about opportunities ahead for women in the organization and also with some new women in the managerial hiring last quarter there’s been some incidents which made me feel like summarizing a few thoughts.
Somehow in software when i do a reality check women as managers are yet to be cherished by employees.From what i’ve seen around in all my previous organizations , whenever there is a woman manager there’s a instant dislike, suspicion and the foremost people to initiate or at least openly express these are the unfortunately women employees.
Most of these thoughts are from what i hear and then perceive from people around me rather than my individual experience which is a bit offbeat.
There’s an instance of a woman manager making a point about employees being on time. This stringent rule in a organization known for its flexibility in timings, certainly made one too many employees furious and ended up as a complaint against her.In a normal circumstance I also pretty much will join this complaint, when people make an issue about hours and timings.But what i dislike is why people link this as a issue that cropped up because the manager was a woman and women are like that, too rule abiding taking things too seriously and what not.
In another organization my friend is forced to come on time(being the only flaw explained in her one year of tenure because of which she did not deserve a promotion) even if there is no work by a manager who is a guy. Here they say he’s a horrid sadistic boss but they do not say , oh he is guy.
Frankly a lot of women are high strung and cannot relax with deadlines looming and in such a situation when your employees go around playing TT and have endless smoke and lunch breaks i guess it does get on their nerves.
From what i observed there’s a root cause.Women want to go home (or at least off work) invariably on time and quite a few like to do decent work if not great and so would like the things all in control and fine when they leave office.Men on the other are quite cool , a delay here a delay there - we can always stay late , come later and are so much relaxed.
So yes its very nice to have a boss who is cool and will never make a issue about timings and errors and wont like to be in know how of your whereabouts every minute,BUT its not very easy TO BE such a boss when you have employees you know are not all committed.
My short experience in that scenario of being a back up manager put me off management track quite well. I am quite a nervous freak myself and
have fondness for own personal time way too much and so yes its much easier doing your work however tough it is than getting a bunch of disinterested people committed to work.The worst part is any case is the personal slurs that people make if the manager is a woman. I am all for criticizing their over strictness or even their over ambitious drive in proving themselves and the picky nature, but whats terrible is to keep quiet when people make statementslike” Oh this is what happens when a frustrated single woman is a manager ” OR“She just got in through her husband’s connections” ORthe standard stuff about looks and character.
Also when a mistake is pointed out by a manager , they say oh he’s being too much. If she’s a woman manager well she’s picky - she’s a woman.Ok women are picky at times esp our brilliant technos hate it when a lady goes on picking issues with email and language.A guy as a manager wont do that.So there you go , another irritant factor against women as managers.
Then there are things I hear that makes you really feel cynical.You have all our great MNC’s promoting women in workplace and you have a senior manager in one of the greatest workplaces disliking women at workplaces.Of course he wont dare to go on record in his company .But thats the whole point - by making rules you cannot change attitudes.And imagine how that inbuilt resentment is expressed in everyday life in subtle saddism.
Women more often than not worry - it comes naturally esp if they strive for a perfect deliverable.Also trouble follows cause they ensure that you also worry about it and do something.Something that many people think is quite uncool esp if there is a chance to get away with it.
I really on a personal front (i.e about my managers) cannot tell the difference caused by gender of managers in concrete terms much may be because I take things individually rather than gender wise and my experience has been quite reverse i.e i have had more immediate managers aswomen rather than men.I have cribbed all my blog about them, but I doubt any of those issues would have disapeared if the manager was a guy.I honestly wonder if the rare few who read the past three years of crap on managers here guessed that my manager was a woman.
I’ve had good as well as bad from them - I doubt sometimes men as managers would have fought for me and my work with senior management with as much passion and conviction as my previous managers did.They had their own benefits and reasons for doing that but yet when I look at my current manager I suspect he would stand up for any one and fight .And yet I tell people that he’s quite cool - reason he never gets worked up over deadlines, will not care that i come in at 11 am almost every other day (OK fine thats my achievement - I finally convinced my woman managers too to live with that flaw of mine with a commitmentthat none of their expectations in terms of work will be affected )and is a quiet listener, a humble person with great commitment to the organization .
Ive seen others of this kind , loved a lot by employees, if the employees are good they make them work , if not then they themselves do the work but they do not take a stand and fight. May be thats being cool.
The problem though i guess comes at the end with such people.At the end of the day when you want something tangible while they do support you , people of such nature will start talking philosophy, rules and organizational commitment etc.They may want to help you but they really lack a passion to fight for their own selves how will they do it for anyone?I guess as usual i deviated from a general issue to a personal one, but such seems to be my limitation.

My Daily Life of Morosity

2008-08-09T01:38:00.001+05:30

There are calms before storms. I am not sure what storm awaits me but this is a depressing and extremely bad calm phase i am stuck in.
I have become irritated thinking about it, blogging about it and yet I have to live it through everyday.

Now i understand why Katherine Hepburn said "Enemies are so stimulating" and here i am stuck among a place i cant even make enemies.
This phase i fear is pulling me into being a hypocrite .
After all these years of getting over my reluctance to interact much with people esp strangers, I am again at a point when i have started despising people.Well at least the ones that I get stuck with. And the way i act and suffer this I despise myself too.

The problem is this is my job , my sustenance. There are just five of us i deal with at work.
One is a technical lead and except in team meetings he can be ignored, one is a fresher with the cool attitude that since anyways you've gotta work a lifetime why bother so early getting into this mess and they have their gang to hang out which is just fine.

One is a manager and however cool they act its always the management and I am quite wary of that and I have yet not been proved wrong.
Thus remain two people. One is "Me" the morose serious argumentative and the other chap is the sugary , laughter packed all knowing guiding angel to the new freshers.

I do not care who hogs the limelight and I have my share in different areas . Neither do i care how wonderfully they build social networks.In four months in this new company I know fourteen people may be in the company maximum and he knows a hundred may be.

How they bond so soon Such wonderfully or superficially I never get and I frankly think thats great as thats how businesses work in the end.Only fault the few people see in him is may be his overt argumentativeness regarding the work which is pretty OK.

The problem is this is where I spend three fourths of my day and I share the cubicle with these.

Fair enough so what I do is come late and spend continuos hours at my desk finish my work and leave. No coffee breaks / no walks nothing. Those days are gone poor lady I tell myself.There are days when i have my lunch at desk to avoid them.This when they take so much care to include me being a lone teammate.
How cruel am I ?

Strange no one here would question if i dont show up for hours together and yet I am at my desk always and at my previous place it was vice versa.

This is why it was said in that wonderful book Shantaram "If fate does not make you laugh you just dont get the joke"

I can take being alone as I am someone who likes solitude.

It is the 1 minute conversations that punctuate my solitary life in my
office that irritate the hell out of me.

I might have brought this upon myself in ways and deeds unknown who knows.
I got friendly with probably just one woman named R here in this multitude, may be because she is the one who talks the most to strangers.
She gets people to talk and then gives advice which again is a common livable problem.
The reason is you can ignore it though when i keep saying hmm hmm to lot of stuff i dont beleive in I know this is my descent into hypocrisy.

The following is a very harsh description of someone who is known as the funny lovable guy who even in long US stint in his previous organization was loved by one and all as per him.

But I dont enjoy having him as a teammate such because while I myself can carry on quite a few superficial conversations when circumstances need, I never respect or like people who talk on and on for the heck of it and never stick to what they say and then when you start a decent
argument hide it in humor and say things like
"I may say whatever just for fun but think twenty times before doing something"

But he happens to be my only co worker and hence I cant really put up the perfect go to hell kind of attitude.
The lady R from a different team is also quite talkative so she considers this chap one of those dil ka saaf nice guys and he is like meri didi didi types.

Understandable both people from a similar region(Cant avoid this in India).

Their views and worse me being the quiet participant with hmm hmm are playing havoc on my peace of mind.
Some conversations:

R: Oh that friend of mine , she is a tamilian
He: They are quite kanjoos na
R: No why , she always keeps getting stuff for me and is very nice
He: Oh then she must be nice
R: One should not say like this about everyone
He: why in my college down south the lecturer said in front of everyone, I hate Biharis and I stood up and asked why what is your problem and

he said you are an exception.
R: Well thats why they are driving them out in Mumbai
Me: Well its always like that one or two people spoil the name of a whole set.
He: True

The point here is this chap has no viewpoint or if he does he does not exactlt speak that. If you argue a bit he will hide behind that
facade Ok we all northies esp Biharis are bad Fine Ok.
Its such irritating though no one raises that point he brings it up.
=========================================

Now notice the heartfelt concern he has for people here and i am so cold blooded.

He: Yamini I am so upset what kind of place we have gotten into. here everyone is scared that if our
project succeeds they all may be jobless. It seems they feel only the Top performers will be kept and rest downsized.

Me:Well why are you bothered no one can help people who want to live taking this job as some government secure job.
And you and I have worked in service companies with much stringent work culture and if it comes to that for us we
can take it. So why worry?

He: No I feel very bad this whole rating business you know like rating one person above the other,
to tell one person that you should be like him, he is good , you are incompetent is so bad.

Me:Well like it or not Bell curve kind of rating is a norm in all leading companies. If these people hoped that by default of an acquisition they had a secure job in a big company, its sad.

This conv was continued…as below

R: I do not like Ramji among gods and she goes on about his treatment of sita.Useless fellow leaves a expecting lady in forest.

Me; Same here I too dislike(though I am agnostic , I discuss Gods quite well and am not averse to the chat in general)

He: Well thats because you dont understand. Ram Bhagwan and even sita maiyya knew the happening even before it happened.
He did it for Rajhith (Good of the country) and because that was the vidhi(process or rather as prescribed socially).

R: Ah caught you , now this firing or rating too is exactly that for company hith(good). So why you complain.

He:Ab aap bhi naa(You are too much)

======================================

He: Ha ha you know what my resolution is? (Bubbling with enthu like a kid)
Me: Whatever
He: I wont drink tea.It has nicotine. I will eat only sattvic food(ya thats a new buzzword for chaps
like these who've had their fill of non veg in the US and all over. Damn I've been a veggie by choice all my life and yet never complain a

word about non vegans or potray being a veggie as sattvic)

As i type this blog i remember i should have spoken about Hitlers's sattvic food.

========================================

Some talk about marriage came up.
R: Guys parents have so much attitude and blah blah(theirs is a UP family so its that standard fare of dowry and ladki wale dar ke rehte types)
He: Aaj kal aisa kya hai , kuch nahi
R: Kuch nahi badla ladkiyon ke liye its the same still when it comes to ,marriage and guys have some much attitude
He: Haan to ladkiyon ka nahi hotha kya.(Dont girls have an attitude or what) Vo mera interview leti hai("How dare she take my interview" referring to some marraige proposal of a gal i guess who
must 've hurt the guys ego badly )

and so it goes on….

I almost had the Joker's plasticated smile during this conversation and yet was so very irritated

Me: I will be on leave 2 days
He: Why
Me: I am going to abcd
He: That only takes 1 day
me; you are not my manager why you ask so many questions
He: why friends should not ask hmm
Me; Well if you were a friend you would ask why 2 days take 4 days
Guy; You know a true friend is not some one who agrees or goes by you all the time but question you.

Damn the banter. How i hate myself

Then finally this week I had the question I was expecting from my manager since the day I joined
"So no plans of marrying in near future".
This is exactly why I dislike getting friendly\lunching with managers.

People are so irritating predictable.

Most of the above is done in quite amusing chatter but such an everyday life is being tortorous to me.
I have to move out .
In every other aspect it seems like a calm relaxing job , I walk in at 11 no one questions, if I leave early not much questions asked.
In the end you know whatever you do the maximum difference it will make on you pay slip is at the maximum some 4-5k.
promotions are not my great inspiration and here they come with years piling up and I am partly incapable and partly uninterested of those

googled up and innovative mixed up white papers to get brownie points.
But just for these few comforts how much of this environment I can take and if not here what next.There's no gurantee that I will
end up with different people if I move again. Its a bloody small world in so many ways.

I cant even think of what to blog , such pitiful I have become and the posts in the last few months are quite reflective of this pathetic

state.Not that I loved all the people in the past,( I just lack that loving disposition and am too old to change i guess) but yeah some people were nice enough to distract me from bothering about the others.

2008-08-05T22:08:00.001+05:30

The Dark Knight - few thoughts

Last fortnight watching “The Dark Knight” seemed a nightmare as far as travel is considered.
Almost everything that can go wrong goes wrong especially when i have a movie to watch.
The first time I missed the movie by a good half an hour and the next time by 10 minutes. This despite a well planned itineraryand getting a friends vehicle too.
The whole charade certainly spoilt my viewing mood but yet it was a movie i liked.
I am hardly someone who loves action and comic book movies much but I guess the
the movie is hardly comic book. And thats exactly why the people I watched it with - people who love comic book and super heroes did not like it much . But I did and thats simply because of the screenplay and dialogues that go with deeper subtexts. And be it action be it comedy or even romance my favorite is inevitably wordplay.

The point where Alfred says “Some men just want to see the world burn” and the solution later on implemented was “burn the forest down” seems to linger in your
mind especially when halfway through the movie you get a call about the Ahmadabad blasts.
You cannot help but wonder the motivation for such gruesome and horrific acts. Forget their nonsensical emails and religious leanings.
Such stuff never would serve any cause , and one needs to be either really blinded to think it will or one some where deep down they are the people who want to see this world burn i guess.

And is that the only solution we have for such - burn the forest and is that what US thinks when it acts as it does?

Getting back to the movie It isnt’ thrilling action and hence disappoints people who expect such fun but i kinda liked to think it over and over.
Near the end where the joker gives detonators to people calling it a social experiment, I just wonder would people really be that nice in real time, if it wasn’t a movie at least one boat would have been blown up?

Would I be that good? The instant thought is NO. Later may be i am not even sure - I have too many options in my head .
A real good one though was “madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push“.
I especially think something on those lines when people who act like saints or people who have it too good or are in real safe situations speak great lines about goodness ,patience in adversity , humanity and morality.
You push them a bit into the corner or hurt what they love and they emerge the more villainous and intolerant.

Reminds me of a quote i can’t exactly recall but it goes something like - “The most sensitive people are the ones capable of being most insensitive to others”.

An Irritant Conversation

2008-07-19T19:09:00.001+05:30

Lot of People get on my nerves most of the time , and as much as i try to live with it internally i start feeling crappy to put up with such.
Yet I guess I have something irritatingly wrong about me or the way I express myself that i get surrounded or form acquaintance with just the same kind.

=======================================
lh: so wats up

1:06 PM me: nothing monday is v tiresome
hate to come to office
as usual

1:13 PM lh: why u hate coming to office

1:14 PM we get an oppurtunity to work thats really gud thing

1:15 PM me: oh well

lh: remember the day when u strugle for job

me: its not the job
i hate

lh: work comes out of job

me: anyways i guess our philosophies are diff

lh: its not philosophy

1:17 PM i think u donno the exact meaning of philosophy

me: may b

lh: its some thing like being practicle
all time not to expect to have gud work to do
1:18 PM many a times people may not get the work which they are intrested

=============================================================
This is a conversation with a chap I never met but simply came to know online
because he was a friends friend and had put in a referral at one of the organization i had gone to while looking for a
job change. Since then i get a casual hi and hello on chat and I invariably respond with casual banter for the sake of not
being mean.
But when they start lecturing you it gets to you.
This is the reason i never ask of people even little things(in fact little things esp ) , I just hate it when they do these
things as a favor and then consciously or unconsciously expect you to be grateful .

Now if this person was really open about discussing philosophies or stuff ideally
, and I believed he was some one you could have a serious debate with i could have finished off the thing using the very same arguments advanced here. I mean if i am being lectured about the sanctity of work I just can throw it in his face what the
heck are you doing buzzing me when you can work , and let me work too.

And just because I was jobless once is no reason for me to feel ultra grateful about any organization/ person who
gives me a job. It was not a favor. I earned it all by myself convincing i could be useful and they will not hesitate to throw me out if I am not useful. This whole attitude of being servilient when preached irritates me.

I know it feels good to act like the know it all and lecture about philosophy but it is when i hear such stuff from people i have not much opinion of , I kind of get hugely pissed off.

Then again its also in the way its said i guess. I mean that patronizing tone as if you are oh so mature and you are teaching kids about life and philosophy.

or May be its my problem that I project such foolishness and stupidity?
or May be as usual I am too sensitive about any criticism of such kind .( On a quick think no i am clear here - it isn't criticism I dislike , it is criticism from people i do not believe have a standing to criticize me)
In fact it is what reminds me of that telling line from a classic book (beyond me why its a classic ,I did not get it honestly .)
Its a line I remind myself always since i myself have a tendency to be critical.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

P.S: I am horribly nitpicking at spellingmistakes...even in such a irritating mood I see the spelling mistakes in that conversation. Even when I relook at my previous posts and i see typos they pinch me. Donno why i see them. May be I should have been a proof reader in my previous birth .

What If

2008-07-10T00:26:00.001+05:30

What if its beyond you to get what you want
What if there is nothing else much that you have been able to want
What if you could exist without wanting
What if such existence was a choice
Would one want to exist such?

2008-07-05T22:37:00.000+05:30

As i Enjoyed Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na

This is what you do when everything in life is horrid and you feel doomed....Escape
and what better place than Bollywood.

It somehow seemed so long since we had a pure college romance in Bollywood after Kuch Kuch Hota hai. There was Dil Chahta hai

but it wasn't standard bollywood fare.In fact even KKHH is not standard Bollywood stuff. The last i can remember was Jo Jeeta

Wohi Sikander in school and those were heady days of college romance for Bollywood , till Shahrukh and Aditya Chopra roped in the family romances.

So it was with that thought that i walked in into Jaane Tu ya Jaane na.The best part is there's absolutely no curiosity about the story and yet you go to watch it to see it in a different view.
As long as you watch the movie its good fun.
You like the simple characters , and esp the banter all around .Naseer and Ratna pathak are great joy throughout.Genelia's

pretty as ever and thr group has enough bonhomie.
Smita patils's son acts pretty fine but he might be cast into villianous stuff in mainstram cinema due to his looks which would be a pity.
No foreign locations no designer looks just the lyrics and the actors and yet it makes you like the movie. But the problem is there was something lacking . I am yet to put a finger on it but when you dont hold any experience of the movie once you are back on the street something must be missing.

Of course they irritated me for a second by screaming out one of my evergreen favorite songs "Tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi" (Oh those vividh bharti days)but thank god they did not make a alternate title track and ruin it.

There was something of a 70mm experience missing for me. Dont know if it was because its been a decade since i am out of college or because of my cynicism(I dont usually switch it on for Bollywood unless there's overacting or over sermonizing). A feel good movie , unless you do not think about watching it again invariably has missed out on something.Its far far better than anything we have on around currently but yet you remember times when you liked a movie and you wanted to watch it all over again and for a few minutes and sometimes a few hours after the movie is over you enjoy it in your mind.

For one the songs were not used well esp the picturization and the second half needed a song more.Bollywood is never and experience without its songs.

P.S:

Well for now whats on my mind is the trailer of Bachna Ae haseeno and its partly its song and partly the well crafted picturization of the sneak preview. Its been a sooo long since i bothered to relook a trailer.
What the movie will be or how it will be is not of interest its the awesome pure stupid aura it creates since you had that Kaho na pyaar hai, never found anything else as much to bother about.Ranbir Kapoor suits that song damn well and some of the shots i am sure will have the young girls quite swooning like we loved the shahrukh scenes in DDLJ where he waves to Kajol and all and
my sister and her friends even have postcards. Oh those days.....sigh.
Of course its the song...Hmm RDBurman Rocks any day.
For all of Rehman's raving fans i can just say well that is a classic.
Aditi song is good lovely but people have a tendency as i said before to use great too easily. One needs to get the difference.

And even if its the other way around using Mark twain's words i can say Rehman may be exotic wine but our old songs are water and fortunately everybody drinks water.
Even if its a remix, Ive never been able to get it off my lips for a week and its stupid of
the filmmakers to release the second slow song when the first one seems to keep the thing so awesome.

Becoming Rude

2008-07-04T23:50:00.001+05:30

On hindsight i think for a person who's quite shy with new people i am very rude too .
But as much as i try to be patient if not nice, its tough for me to be saccharine.
It occured today too , in fact it seems like this whole week was the same in a way.
The problem stems from my inability to be diplomatic where i and my beliefs are strongly involved and my absolute lack of self control over my facial expressions when angry.

There's A in my team who too joined almost at the same time as me. The guy used to be some sort of a technical manager onsite and now we are all back to working rather than managing. As much as i try to be quiet and let things pass it becomes a tedious life .

Unlike others , esp chirpy young girls who usually get awed by a US returned or talk of US i do not and rather get bored hearing of the rides there, of the food there and all the trappings. In fact i just have the same old problem of never being over eager to know about what your colleague was upto or is daily upto except may be the work (If i consider the person a friend or truly look up to them its different, i love to hear all but such people are far and few) .Thing is thats all the chap talks about apart from work - how much US people liked him , how good it was there
and how much fun he had.
Such conversation is pretty straining to me even though i personally agree with the universal notion that he is a simpleton and too sweet spoken .
Problem is i it gets to me that….. being sugary though you arent as happy or amused really.

Even talk about work ends abruptly like this because our attitudes are different. He asks questions about something i ve worked on and expects one to have a one shot answer and i am a person who likes to search analyze and answer since i have a severe shortage of memory in my head,
i do not and cannot rattle off Java methods. I rather happily look into the API and am very quick to underastand it use it and forget it.
All i remember is the keyword and that its there in the API.

I try and i try to be helpful(after all you dont want to be at loggerheads with your only team mate considering the third chap in the team struts as a senior ) despite some irritating acting smart questions, cant see why cant he google them up if he's so dissastisfied but i have my limitations.
In such a scenario when you raise points about what i beleive in strongly i do dish it out scathingly.

A: (In Jest …thats how it starts)You come in so late , do you think if you were in your prev comp it would have been fine

Me: I was the same there too and they tolerated me because when they raised the point i ensured that i come at 9:30 and leave at 6:30 which ended up being a loss to them.
You walkin and play TT for 2 hrs and i just walkin a hour late. Whats the use of being in office to count hours .

A: Its not the same .you see i believe all must come at 9:30 because when themanager is in all the people should be around and one must stay
till the work is complete(of course thing being his managing hangover). If i was themanager i would never tolerate people coming at 10:30 or 11.

Me: If you were the manager i would never join your project.

A: Hmm well yeah that is a different thing

Me: You count hours present and not amount of work. Well that does not cut with me . I will not stay in such a place where they count hours spent and not work done. I will come at 9:30 and stay till 9 , and yet wont do much is that ok with you? ( I delivered it in such a scathing tone that reflected my prime irritation with such ideologies )

A: Hmm see thats not the thing. chalo chodo. (Poor guy this is what happens when you have only one gal in the team and she is so scathing and upfront instead of being the nice oh so amazed…tell me i will learn kind of thing).

He turned back to work at his laptop and did not talk for nearly 2 hrs and i felt remorse at expressing my beliefs so clearly esp since the chap is a jolly kind of fellow
and every one likes him a lot.But my patience was used up a lot when i was young and here i am old and impatient and i cannot humor people much.

The other incident was like a comedy of errors straight out of Shakespeare.
I have been particulary upset at my work environment due to various reasons particulary lack of clarity and decision making .
In one such a time i happened to be in a classroom where my manager uttered "May be it was my fault or may be it was yamini's fault" in a very confusing context.
This triggered off all my pent up frustration in this place and i stormed out of the room requesting a one on one.Everyone almost thought i would hand in my papers i looked so upset.
Of course after i vented how and why was i dragged into a mess i hardly am related to i was calmly clarified by the manager that he was referring to another yamini - the one who arranged the things.

Now for once i am sorry, though i was glad to have put my all other thoughts clearly in the meeting that i am fed up with lack of clarity , but then in an innovative environment clarity is always lacking or so it seems i am told.
Huh well so be it.
Life's being unkind all over again since last year can't help it.

Since friends are sparse , rather than cram life with just people
I long for some solitude .
I want time , some work just by myself , collaboration can wait.

2008-06-29T19:39:00.000+05:30

Watched becoming Jane

Jane Austen was the flavor of the fortnight i guess for me.

Watched the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice again.

When it was released I happened to watch it by a happy last minute instinct which in itself shaped events of my professional life.I an V were then in a small seperate subset of our team and we used to really enjoy work . We all wrapped up work very fast as she was quite adept by then of that work and so we left by say at 3pm one fine day and watched this movie. This happened at a time when the rest of the team was kept extremely busy with their streched out days of work. Someone surely was upset by our having fun and made a complain which ended up the team size being decreased and i being moved out of it in the name of
additional responsibilities of importance.That move affected my resume for sure.

Anyways I do not enjoy this newer version of "Pride and Prejudice" as much.Its fine for just one watch. The BBC series is way too good .Keira Knightly gets on your nerves at times with her giggly smiles at times.The Elizabeth in the BBCseries was not as pretty but she grew onto you.
As for Darcy well no one can match Colin Firth at it.

Then i watched "Becoming Jane" a take on the young Jane's rumored affair with Tom Lefroy.Anne Hathway is extremely pretty and i liked her much better than in the eminently watchable "Devil wears Prada" .
The essential thing about such such stories is that they are so very same at the core - from those near victorian times to these so called modern times.

The ponderable quote from movie itself was from Jane's father
"Nothing destroys spirit like poverty."

Well in the end its a nice take and what makes such things special is they are puzzles never to be solved and anyone can take whatever take they want on it.
The truth's well beyond the reach.
Austen might be credited with being the real inventor of chick lit but the fact remains her characters have survived generations and hundreds of years effortlessly capturing the readers heart.
Whether she wrote of experience or imagination,
whether her relationship was a boyish love as somewhere attributed to Lefroy or a firm lasting affection
is a open debate to spice up our boring lives with.
But i like the fact that for all her ironies she gave her books mostly a happy ending implying a sort of spiritedness a sort of belief despite being cynical at the exterior.

As they say "The best love affairs are those we never had."

Pathetic overhearings

2008-06-23T21:51:00.001+05:30

Pre Scene happenings:
Tall modern new women manager joins office
Single young fresher wins awards for taking initiatives and innovative ideas

Conversation overheard at Lunch:

W1: I cannot spend that extra time for all this appreciations.
W2: Hmm now they reward people for spending extra time at office
W3: Yes for all that you need to put in more time and we cannot because we have responsibilities
W1: Yes we too if we had remained single could have been like that.
W2: Been like what?
W1:Huh That lady manager
W3: Why do you say that..She has a 13 yr old son
W1: Oh well then (took a second to get over the wrong hypothesis ), well i guess its all about what priorities are.(Meaning she has family as priority so she is stuck here while that lady does not prioritize family like her so she has advanced in career)

Life sucks here….big time.So much hypocrisy.
Damn if you have taken the responsibility be proud of it, of your great sacrifice for the greater good…
why use it as a reason for someone's success and your not being able to match them.
Its there everywhere, i knew it early, so did never have much hopes
but here the acid seems to be concentrated way too much even for my pessimism.

My work too seems to be at a dead end.I feel despair beyond my usual self in this place.
Something ought to happen….even if it is bad…i want to be out of this rut.

A Pause of Thought

2008-06-13T23:04:00.001+05:30

The monsoons somehow have a way of assaulting the senses.
Life is getting drearier and darker and in such times the weather kind of makes you feel all the more at sea at some point of nothingness when all around is pouring , moving blowing and what not.
Even the thoughts seemed totally at a pause and then i came across this from those old collections.

A Pause of Thought

I looked for that which is not, nor can be,
And hope deferred made my heart sick in truth:
But years must pass before a hope of youth
Is resigned utterly.

I watched and waited with a steadfast will:
And though the object seemed to flee away
That I so longed for, ever day by day
I watched and waited still.

Sometimes I said: This thing shall be no more;
My expectation wearies and shall cease;
I will resign it now and be at peace:
Yet never gave it o'er.

Sometimes I said: It is an empty name
I long for; to a name why should I give
The peace of all the days I have to live?—
Yet gave it all the same.

Alas, thou foolish one! alike unfit
For healthy joy and salutary pain:
Thou knowest the chase useless, and again
Turnest to follow it.

by Christina Rossetti
Goblin Market, and Other Poems, 1862

Random Notes …again

2008-06-10T23:51:00.001+05:30

I thought i write something better or not write at all than this daily soap opera but then its funny to look back a year later on i hope and so i jotted them down these stupid notes on my stupid times.

Casual conversations often have some deep undercurrents running and since i am someone who really ponders over words i sense them quite strongly. These thoughts sometimes dont do me much good in general but well i never really have been able to gain that control on the mind's ventures all over the universe.

I am in the most ill suited environment in recent times because it simply adds on to my inbuilt irritation, sarcasm

and depression. Firstly i feel terrible at not doing anything useful in my eyes at all in the past two months. No one bothers much on that but no one does that usually till it comes to the brink anyway.

And then this new team i am the juniormost in terms of experience , and its getting on my nerves .
First there's a guy say "A" quite bubbly from the Hindi heartland and spending the last couple of years in US . The issue here is i am not chummy kind or young enough to laugh all the time on his jokes and be awed by his narration of US or anywhere for that matter.
Poor people do i hurt them or what.
I mean i am really thrifty with praise . I can be very polite to rudeness and thus seem nice etc
but false bubbling praise is something hard to come by me.
When "A" uploaded his snaps on the intranet i was asked how is it and i responded yeah good but never thought that such questions deserve applaud and all.
Next day i saw my managers(say S) snap (which looked like a eager child's rather than a time weary managers)

and asked when was this taken and i was answered 2 years back and i just replied "oh ok".
Then "S" asked "come on say something it was good bad or whatever" and i was like - "Oh hell why do i ever talk".
Then this guy "A" added up "She is like this only . yesterday also i asked her about my snap she wont say i.e praise anything". I was perplexed even more - everyone makes notes.
A and all here play TT like maniacs and i am not someone into the games stuff at all. I sit at my desk and time flies by. Its been long since i sat nice and quiet at my desk.
I really do not fit in.
Till here its bearable but the third person sort of makes it a perfect mess.
This guy say "N"comes from over +/- 7 years in the States . May be thats why he thinks of India being stuck in the last millenium or whatever in terms of attitude.
Me and "A' are never comfortable really with this guy who may end up as the technical lead(though his expertise as they say is not of what we are working on he brings in huge generic experience — tools can be learnt..yeah true!!! –but while they learn what happens to those who know them is a different plight) .
Anyways the pure professional stuff is beside the point and issues are always sortable with time.
I was shocked at the vehemance i heard in his voice that i did not know if to laugh or get serious.."A " and others were casually teasing me about my tiffin and said she wont eat anything that she did not cook. Now i am someone who happily proclaims cooking is my least favorite activity of all time and i dont do it 90% of the time.
For a chap who speaks after quite some thought "N" spoke "I dont think so …Does she cook?".
"A" persisted "do you know how to make jalebi ", and N was like "She cant cook food and you talk of jalebi".

This to me would be nothing to me, all my dear friends tease me , my mom hates me on this topic eternally.
But when a person who is a virtual stranger to you talks with such sarcasm on such a light subject you wonder what is the whole undercurrent all about. It cant be my cooking really.

Its about how you are perceived and what mental set up they carry in their head and its now upto me how do i do the whole damned team work here.
That is what it is.
I just dont fit in neither for myself nor in their scheme of things .
For some Like "N" who gets paid double my salary and always hobnobs with the right senior management and yet not having a free hand and esp being given complete authority within the team i.e me and "A" is an issue which is his challenge.
As of now in every team discussion we end the lines with "Right" so much "Right N?", "Right A?","Right Yamini?" that its quite sure so much is so very "Wrong".

Random Notes

2008-06-09T21:33:00.001+05:30

I seem to have no specific work and yet have been busier than ever before.
This is the problem i guess when work involves research (oh not in that hallowed sense but more like searching about ways to do stuff which you know exist and have no one to guide you where and when and in a scenario where google is slightly limited). Ive been tired by the whole trial and error scenarios i am doing. May be service companies are best suited for people like me however stressful they may seem.
Life catches up with you seriously.
How easier life is when you have a manager to blame . Here now i have a manager who's new to the domain and who's so damn cool (he's too soft with people too and this isnt really great from a different perspective but later on about that) about things that it gets on your nerves.
Its a small team and we do wish we can do something tangible, to help him have something to project in his ppts.Poor fella he seems to work more than any of us in the team….endless streams of meetings and answering people and making ppts , while we seem to be stagnant at our desks doing this research with no output.

Three years ago i avoided everyday lunch with my manager by all means as it meant it took away that one peaceful hour of our lives and we had our own gang of girls and however much she tried to force us to join we just escaped.And now i just trod along with our team and the manager, just the four of us simply because it seems a better alternative than have lunch with women
discussing house maids and motherin laws everyday with no respite..

I seem to be the only local in the team never been abroad , all the others are back from a considerable time in US and that in itself creates a vaccumm in conversation never mind the different stages of career and lives we are at.

Its been quite a while since ive been this bored with no one to talk to,
no one to make me laugh just for the sheer heck of it ,
without people who did not change my life in any way except that they made me forget the mess of my life.
Whenever i am stuck like this i go into that life is wortheless thinking mode.
Then again it is in such moments i realize the sheer fortune i've had to spend time with such lively people all around.
The summer is almost gone and rains seem to be coming over all over again. A year again seemed to have passed so soon.
Sometimes writing this blog seems very stupid now , considering the way the blog writing has become a joke all around among celebrities.

As I read Shalimar The Clown

2008-05-18T18:08:00.001+05:30

Had been reading Rushdie's Shalimar The Clown.

More than the book its the epigraphs that seem to have settled in my mind.

Shakespeare (specifically Romeo and Juliet)anyway seems to be in thing in my life. In 2 days flat i come across his lines straight offwhen i did not expect them.
After the roses lines ( in my prev post)You come home open your next fiction read and the epigraph says "A plague on both your houses"

Now i i feel like using it oh so many times when i am so very irritated with life or caught between two people who want to see no sense which is quite often these days.

Even the simple act of getting a learning license becomes a nuisance for me. I managed to get a leave after 3 weeks of cancellation and got the learning license and then that envelope got lost in 15 minutes flat never mind how.

Fate as much as i like to wish it away seems to just catch up in amazing ways. Now this is not some huge issue, it simply adds to the irritation factor in my life.Every little thing seems a huge road block and i am worn out with this.

"It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out; it's the grain of sand in your shoe."

Neverthless getting back to the other epigraph taken from from

"The Country without a post office" by Agha Shahid Ali
Its quite lovely in itself cause you could almost feel it

================================

I am being rowed through Paradise on a river of Hell
Exquisite ghost, it is night.
The paddle is a heart; it breaks the porcelain waves…

I'm everything you lost. You won't forgive me.
My memory keeps getting in the way of your history.

There is nothing to forgive. You won't forgive me.

I hid my pain even from myself; I revealed my pain only to
myself.
There is everything to forgive. You can't forgive me.

If only somehow you could have been mine,
what would not have been possible in the world?

===================================

As for the book in itself its not ingenious or anything . It just shows some good research and linking up of facts and fiction with brilliance and brilliance is Rushdie's trademark.Though i never love his books one simply has to say that whole idea he scripts in his books is sheer brilliance. How he develops his script sometimes irritates you.

Every word esp in the introductory parts of the book alludes to something more. India is named to represent something …Kashmira represents something.

Though cannot say liked the book much it seemed quite better than "The Ground beneath her feet" which left you quite a bit unstable may be.The book when it looks beyond the revenge storypoint presents different facets of the same thing well……like the point wherein the Gen Kachhwaha thinks how the Kashmiris are not thankful about being defended and how he himself degenerates into savageness. The Kashmiris villagers though have their owm version as all the other characters define it.

The nuggets Rushdie inserts have their own significance like the story about the "Room of Power" which he ends with the lines "Freedom is not a Tea party, India. Freedom is war"

Rushdie somehow lets one down badly when presenting a female standpoint and his sketch of Boonyi Kaul seems so messed up and confusing sort.
In fact the character he completely fleshes out i felt was only Max Ophelus. All the characters were set to represent something in the macro plot(Kashmir India and Pakistan) and never clear into the micro plot(the revenge drama).

Through out there is the description of a paradise called Kashmir which probably was and which will never be even if peace returns.It is here that to some extent Rushdie succeeds.

Neverthless its an addition to Rushdie's brilliant plots set in tumultous times and full of human greed for power of various kinds manifesting itself in various ways.

Hope, deceiving …..

2008-05-17T01:10:00.000+05:30

Unspoken Kindness in faces scares you

when you know you are not destined for such.

Some moments are destined to break your heart

Life has a way of scraping the wounds

"It could have been" is such a deceiving phrase in the realm of existence

When you reach the end of some horizon

you know it in the heart - the end that is

and yet…you wish

you had that betrayer of a friend , called hope by your side

for as they say

"Hope, deceiving as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route. " Francois de La Rochefoucauld

A feel of the days

2008-05-10T01:56:00.001+05:30

There's a feeling of being akin to sand
Broken into grains of nothingness
Can hold no water
drifting away never finding any roots
just slipping away to nothingness
even the sea throws you far off itself

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When nietzsche said "The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time" he was right but thats for sweet memories.
Bad memory brings its own troubles . You never seem to be become immune to the bad things when they occur over and over again.You seem to hurt yourself for the same things over and over again.

I have a strange memory blackout problem amplified by a low confidence in my memory and my tendency to remain obscure.
When in a training class someone said SWOT analysis. All i remember is O and T expanded.It took me 30 mins to finally remember the S & W expansion.
And so i've never understood why i never trust my memory well enough .
There was a quote on the slide in today's training …a quote i easily know to be from Romeo and Juliet( Where else can one find a rose by any name) but i never respond on being asked.

When another class they ask if anyone has read "World is Flat" i find it prudent not to talk though i read it long back.
Then when someone puts across that poem i love "The Road not Taken" on a slide and tells that its an amazing poem and strange no one has read it and proceeds to read it, i find it unnecessary to comment.

I'm drifting back to a quiet nothingness i hopelessly prefer all over again.

I look back at anything past and it seems something like this lovely Calvin stuff

Here's a picture of me when I was three. Look at that smile! Ahh, the arrogance of youth! I thought I knew everything when I was three. ….. Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical.
Funny how you miss out on things. Watched Sweet Home Alabama again.

A lil over 5 years ago we watched it at the end of a training program wherein we had to give opinions and all that stuff.
In my evergreen cynicism i found only one point - The other guy in the movie who was being nice throughout anyways ended up a loser and hence it shows that most of the time you just accept that Life is unfair.

This time when i watched i pondered over a line i seemed to have missed last time.
"You cannot have roots and wings." The saddest part though is when you cant have both

I was searching for the exact quote and it seems someone else too has thought about the same…Funny some coincidences are just that but yet they i guess make you feel sane.

Last month i had taken two books which are not much in circulation at the Library - "A corner of a Foreign Field" and "The Brainfever bird" . When i returned them finally after nearly 2 months with me and a girl after surfing through all the library again picked those two I was a bit reflective , curious and sort of possesive too funnily of the books. And then she sees my pick for the recent month and enquires if i am taking it or can she have it.

I'd have loved to talk more but she was with a chirpy crowd and so i am left to myself believing in my own normalcy as much as weird i seem to many these days.

A dull and loaded begining

2008-04-26T00:33:00.001+05:30

A new place or is it new?

As is said there are wheels within wheels

and so life goes on.

The best part of this beginning is I have had least expectations

I seemed to have grown old quite a bit finally in my mind too or so it seemed till I got into this place and found people worse than me in those terms .

A top notch workplace in the world and yet I feel bored.

Its not about the work , I dont have an inkling of what i would be doing in concrete terms - Its all visions i've been shown for the moment and i am too cynical of them and its too early to talk of it.

The thing is there's no liveliness around, me being dull enough.

Both my previous workplaces had n number of issues

but it was always buzzing with people

their problems, their anger

their fun and sheer joy

I guess this is a problem with the real big organizations where you have those highly experienced people immersed and tagging along with life. Its not like they don't have fun or they don't laugh and all.

Its just that they dont take the change of an added person and so they dont take an initiative and its quite tough to break into well settled groups unlike in the past places where we who became friends - all joined in fresh groups and were equally new.

I am the same frankly but i was fortunate in the past. I did not run into people who were the same as me. Most were freshers who took in change and assimilated me into them and their enthusiasm their joy and spirit was simply contagious.

Here for the first time i seem to be in a place where 70% of the workforce is steeped in experience and thus target oriented for the next position(and also married), so they all are busy with their lives and its issues.
I am initially very shy and quiet so i don't make friends but at both my past jobs it was these lively people who came to me involved me and we ended up having great fun.Here even if i take initiative people have too many worries and just let it be known nicely that have to finish work.
Also fortune played a bad joke.I ran into a really avoidable person here… a chap whom i had requested to get me a job in tech doc umentation when i had no job and things were not good for me. I went for 2 or 3 days to get trained but then many things happened.
Like i realized though i write ok and can learn it , i wanted to be in s/w a lot more .
The environment and job profile seemed dull the more i understood it.

And then this guy had a bit of superiority while training and all that pissed off and i quit giving reason about my moving to another city.

This shocked him, and may be affected his word at place where he recommended don't know what, but i was amazed when i ran into him at my new company and he remembered me.Then few days ago he casually mentioned - you were moving to somewhere else…"Was that a lie".
He put it as though i had spoken some great lie.
Just so irritating and pisses me off. I really wonder the worlds a small place.

But yeah i am amazed - I am always amazed when people remember me. I always think I myself would forget a person like me very easily.

But nevertheless life's at a very dull point after a long time.It was bad so many times in the past 4.5 years since I began a career but its been long since it was so dull.

The cubicles are huge and so is the emptiness.

===================================================

P.S: Some standard cribbing

I hate Laptops at least since Ive been forcefully made to own one by this job. I am supposed to take it around with me all the time and have to walk nearly a km with it to get to office. Not even in school did i carry anything so heavy. the bag's all very well made but thats heavy in itself.

It feels like a noose around my neck- I feel like a coolie at times.

Oh heck why cant i just leave it at office.This is why big organizations and their policies and all get to me. For a easy going person like me who never wanted to bother to drive i am seeing some benefits of it finally.

The byproducts of a farcial / forced equality

2008-04-25T23:42:00.001+05:30

Hey daughter i came home tired and toiling for you all get me a cigarette from the shop

Are you mad - Does anyone ask their daughter to get one

Whats the big deal I never differentiated between a Son and a Daughter (i .e I paid for your education completely) and I cant even get such a small thing done .

Ok if this is what it is i guess I will get it have some myself too say what ?

Shut up you don't have any respect for elders - what rubbish you are talking about.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Truth is stranger than fiction .....It surely is.
He he he ...Such are the Inspirations for posts with topics "Save the girl Child" and this.

Fortnight of whiling away time at movies…..

2008-04-14T00:12:00.000+05:30

The last month or more specifically the last fortnight i seem to have watched more movies than i ever do these days.

Yesterday caught up on Ajay Devgan's U Me aur Hum. Though i dont like to admit I liked some parts of the movie not the whole though. But i wont recommend it to anyone looking out for a relaxation or fun at the weekend.
The sad part may be that i like the tragic parts of the movie much more than the comic parts. The comedy was stupid and irritable. But whenever esp in the seconf half Ajay devgan gets into his guilty and cynical mode i liked him. I liked that frank acceptance that everybody likes oneself the most - the self defence part.
As one grows older hum bane tum bane ek duje ke liye seriously seems stupid and the way he enacts that feeling i really liked it. The best thing about the movie was definitely the bonhomie of friends in every scene(though Divya dutta surely makes loud scenes wherever present..when its just the three of the guys it seems pretty much how guys seem to hang out), its a welcome relief from saas bahu behen and maa at every hospital scene in Bollywood.

The real person needing appreciation for this movie is the marketing department. If they had let it out before that the script was related to Alzheimers i doubt even the first week would have had any collection. It was packaged through and through a Kajol romance and its truly a Kajol movie whenever she's in the frame .But when she's not around the rest carry it through without being too sombre.

One mistake i did was watch this movie in a normal theater and not a multiplex where crowds are relatively quiet. If one needs to understand what Indian majority is like you just need to see them in dark theaters and the way they behave. I can get it when they laugh at crude joke or at the hero or whistle at the heroine but what is so funny about a baby drowning is beyond me as i listened to laughter at that scene.
So if one does want to see it better watch it where people keep quietly to themselves or at least act as such.

Other movie i watched is to be watched in a theater where you get the real Indian audience. shouting whistling screaming, throwing torn paper. Yeah the movie is made for it and is good for a weekend watch without thinking much about it.
Race is one such movie which would get on your nerves if everyone around you was too quiet and thoughtful. You have to be sort of blind and the mind being nauseatingly immersed in watching the cool strutting heroes and sexy scheming heroines.The plot may be a mystery to some , to me though it was more a question of how than what?
"What" kind of suspense stories are rare in bollywood.
There are cars, there's the sizzling Bipasha and Katrina and the pouting Sameera. Then there's the cool Saif and Anilkapoor(Gosh he's just looking dashing these days and one can only laugh when one sees the old song one two ka four) There's Akshay Khanna too but thats hardly noteworthy.

Then I watched quite a few older ones of the past year i missed out on. Some like Dhol were fun and some thoughtful like Halla Bol which i blogged previously about.
Some were like fine for the time being say Saawariya. I think Bhansali is just a child who likes to paint but got into movies. Saawariya you can say my expectation as a movie was so low that i ended up liking it if only for the look and feel. I mean i expected so much gloominess in that blue as i watched the trailers and heard the story that when i finally saw it i though Sonam's Kapoor's laughter and Rabir Kapoors childishness sort of seemed to make me feel as though i was watching some Hans Andersen fairy tale. There's nothing that remains though after you watch it except a blue haze.

Then i watched Namesake. Tabu's fascinating is the first thing that comes to mind and then the movie. Well the movie's good but it won't be the same without Tabu. The best part of it is though its less of a commercial movie it never drifts into the sullenness that some art movies do.It has a upbeat feel to it even when sad and Kal Penn is also enjoyable and considering its a diaspora movie i liked the honesty of it, the generation gap and the final acceptance of it once you are in US.

In India they will fight it but once you get to US a helplessness added to the loneliness i guess makes one accept the differences of generation much more ,though the hurts i guess linger on and that exactly i guess the NRI's suddenly become more religious and traditional than ever in that far land.

My favorite moment was when Tabu is asked by her husband (after being married for years and they return to India for a vacation )"why did you say yes to me" she says that because you were the better of what was on offer…and then laughs and says what did you expect me to say "I love you" as in America. Its a beautifully honest moment i felt.

Then I just watched two of my all time favorites again like My best friends wedding and Casablanca.Though i like Julia Roberts in general this movie is sort of more than her. I sort of love it a little bit more whenever i see it. I laugh at myself remembering that I was in college when it released and then there were no multiplexes and i watched this movie thrice(something i only did for Sharukh's yash/karan johar flicks).
I just liked Rupert Everett though i then did not know that even in real life the guy is not straight.His part is really charming especially the whole sequence of talk in the end when he calls her up and gets her to dance at the wedding reception. Of course the music is very beautifully used in the movie and even the hero (Dermot Mulroney )is nice and touching.
The best part inevitably has to be the conversation as its a given with any movie i really like esp with ones i watch again and again.

Casablanca i guess i've just blogged much about the movie but i love watching such movies again when its late night somehow. you sort of belong to a different world.

Notting Hill is another of those nice weekend watches that keep you warm. I like the whole sequence about a bunch of non acheivers. It sort of reminds me of that one line that i used to think fits perfect for me."Who said nothing is impossible. Ive done nothing for years now"

At times it does get a bit loud though but i enjoy Hugh Grant quite a lot there…esp the garden and the song. You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Not sure when i will catch up on the rest considering i have a new job to get used to from tommorow.

My friends ask me constantly hey you are at home for nearly a fortnight , aren't you bored . I seriously cant explain to them that NO I am not. I'm just loving it. I'd have loved it more if i got to Travel but even without it honestly I am not bored.

Ive my books and there are blogs(which i keep to myself ) and then there's cinema once in a while and then there's sleep always. Ah to be lost to this world till the sun is right above your forehead. It'll be long before i get such a break (i.e to wake up by 11 am) and it just went by …hmmm.

2008-04-07T22:20:00.004+05:30

Remembering the Roses and its yet unanswered question

This post was actually prompted after the previous post about crowds and individuals thought i expressed.
This first thought came to me years ago first in school though then it was not so definitive.

It was prompted by a story in it called "Remember the Roses".
As if the mystery in the story was not enough it was the only story in the book for whom author information page said "Information not available" author name though was Avery Taylor but the yeah there was no Google then.

Its a story that has a haunting quality about it and i believed i was the only one who thought so much about it, but i found a comment here just a few hours ago by someone who also remembers it which just adds to the story anyways :).
Caesarean Conspiracies seems to be my most visited post on the blog .

Actually thought i would put a link to the story if i could find it online and i was led to a site http://www.remembertheroses.com/ .

Here the person tells in the background section how he came across the story
"About fifteen years ago while traveling in India, I came across an old book of short stories being read by the school children there"

I happen to be one of the schoolchildren and have loved it ever since.
I would want to see the movie cause everyone has their own interpretation ,
own touching part of the story and a part of my own imagination and thoughts is what this post is all about.
Every time i think of the story i have a different dimension to it.

The story overall is really special in that special book aptly name "Treasury of short stories " .
I still treasure it and its yellow pages with underlines and meanings i remember some of the happiest days of my life.

There is a word called "apoplexy" in it which i had not understood and had looked up the dictionary.
Strangely i forget so much in todays's world, but i always remember that word and the story.
It is in this story that in those days when very few people around spoke good english that we came across the first french words "Au revoir" ,"Adieu" and "Vive Churchill" etc.

Its a story set in the World war era of Nazis where Robert a soldier of the Allied forces is captured by the German and he is saved by a
mysterious woman called Jehane Lebrun.
No one believes his true story and report of escape and when he digs up the evidences he can only come to the conclusion that its Joan of Arc
who saved him and his friend.
But what is more touching is the way the story sets off as though this Robert of the second world war era is the Knight called
Sir Robert whom Joan of Arc is supposed to have loved.
Its a very touching story with just the right amout of love , mystery and history and sort of lingers on and on in the mind especially the last line

"See Jehane i remembered the roses"

In this story the below lines are the ones which first brought the conflicting thought about individual vs the whole crowd(be it a nation/ community/family).

Here Robert is being helped to escape by Jehane and he also tries to take with him another captive soldier but he is unconscious and when Robert cannot revive him

Robert decides to kill him so that he has an easy death compared to the torture by Nazis to give secrets, but Jehane prevents this by the below argument.

Robert:"Do you think i enjoy doing it"
Joan:"No it sickens you"
Robert:"yes but its necessary"

Joan: "Ah yes the old story Always the same. Better to sacrifice one life than many. Thats what they tell you , isn't it"

Robert:"And its true"

Joan: "Its never true" There was pitiless anger in her eyes and her voice was bitter
"Every life is precious. War demands that we kill, but in our own defence, to save what God has given us.But this is murder…It is betrayal and you know its wrong. In
your heart its wrong"

Since then whenever i come to a conflict about whether Every life is precious or some are more equal than the others this story fills my mind.
Honestly i have never resolved any answer.
As long as that one life to be sacrificed is no one to you or rather is not some one precious or special in our own eyes , we have a tendency to say yes one life can and should be sacrificed if saves/ helps the collective whole.

The moment we replace the person to be sacrificed with someone we love or regard as a great person relative to other being who live day in and day out the argument thins out and we believe every life is precious.

Its also probably my favorite short story with a romatic touch, along with that excellent Jeffrey Archer short story called "Old Love" and i remember it very well ,far after it was supposed to be remembered by the school .

====================================

P.S: For all those who somehow love this story , thanks to Vinits efforts we have a pdf version of it. and here is the link to download “Remember the Roses”.Very nice of you Vinitt and thanks a lot.

Also since quite a few people requested for it on my wordpress blog here are the stories

The following scanned stories are uploaded at
http://www.mediafire.com/?sharekey=2b12de67400a8fb991b20cc0d07ba4d29c366712a409c822

Treasury of Short Stories - Scanned pages for below

1. The Tiger in the Tunnel…..Ruskin Bond
2. The Silver Lining…………….Chaman Nahal
3. The Liar…………………………Mulk Raj Anand
4. Half a Rupee Worth……….R K Narayan
5. The Case for the Defence….Graham Greene
6. Robin……………………………Jim Corbett
9. Mowgli’s Brothers………….Rudyard Kipling
11. A Fishy Story………………….Jerome K Jerome
15. The Lost Pearls………………..Sir Patrick Hastings
===================================================================================
Links for the rest of the stories

7. Dusk…………………………….Saki (Hector Hugh Munro) - http://www.readbookonline.net/readOnLine/375/
8. The Face on the Wall……..E.V.Lucas - http://students.iiit.ac.in/~nirnimesh/Literature/The%20Face%20on%20the%20Wall.htm
10. The Gift of the the Magi……O Henry - http://www.auburn.edu/~vestmon/Gift_of_the_Magi.html
12. Three Questions………………Leo Tolstoy - http://www.online-literature.com/tolstoy/2736/
13. David Swan ……………………Nathaniel Hawthorne - http://www.classicreader.com/book/188/1/
14. The SignalMan ………………..Cahrles dickens - http://www.gordon-fernandes.com/hp-lovecraft/other_authors/signalman.htm
16. Remember the Roses………..Avery Taylor - download at http://www.mediafire.com/?xeidjmn2yzs

“The Last Burden” & Three years

2008-04-03T00:24:00.001+05:30

My first weekend after quitting my job and i was stuck at home in rain and a not so very great mood i picked up the " The Last Burden" by Upamanyu Chatterjee. It certainly did not help my mood.

Its a book to be read to realize why art films will always be that…..art films….Truth personified but for a working class person it is what we dont like to look at or rather why a normal middle class person does not find it not worth the time
and money.It explains why Bollywood potboilers and everlasting Television teary sagas and the no good fiction like M&B's and are infinitely more interesting or rather seem more worth spending time and money.

They help you escape , they give you hope or rather they just blot out the present and when the present is a dark and unrelenting pain this isn't that what the majority would like.

The reason is stark and simple. Who wants to go and see on a 70mm screen or read for hours or days together of a dreariness, of a hurt that on lives through day in and night out - reflected and picturised again and then spend time and money on it….unless you are a soul looking for refuge in the compassion that you are not alone suffering the same.

"You'll notice, Jamun, money's never within your reach when you need it the most. I've witnessed how the itch to hoard dominated both my father and yours. I merely hoodwinked myself - that if i spent bountifully on deserving things then somehow my kitty would be replenished."

"Instead over the years while Jamun has grown up observing his parents squabble…while he's witnessed their marriage paralyse his father and slowly butcher his mother, he's begun to believe that living is elementally a petty , indecent, punishing business; its value lies in struggling against its meanness."

Most of it if not all is about the everyday middle class fare that we live through and struggle with. The finances, the hatred, the guilt ,the sense of duty, the helplessness compounded by the frustration of with /for the people around you.

The forces that pull you down when you try to make an escape.One should read this book to understand why its so difficult to simply read those new age books on positivity and leading a better life are so useless in so much of our world and why so many of our brilliant and not so brilliant people escape as a last refuge to that land of promise USA and others far enough despite criticizing all about it and its culture.

I come across such books once in a while and to say i enjoy them would be too nonsensical. There are mirrors you dislike and this is one of them. But for people who like mirrors however truly they reflect the darkness around and within them
this should be just fine.

"belu was the sole person in my family who cherished me, and not the salary i carted home-……….living together merely to thrill in unkindness…"

"But you oughtn't judge all marriages by the corrosion of ours. I know - that you don't wish to marry because you dread that you'll tail off like us."

Then there was Chekov egging on the cynic in me as i read his "Three Years"

"You'll fall in love and you'll suffer, you'll fall out of love and you'll be deceived, because there isn't a woman (I happily read it as woman/man rather than criticizing Chekov) that wouldn't deceive you, you'll suffer, fall into despair and you yourself will deceive. But the time will come, when all this will be just a memory and you'll reason coldly and consider it utterly trivial…"

"He remembered the long conversations in Moscow in which he had himself still so recently taken part, conversations about how it is possible to live without love, how passionate love is a psychosis, how finally there is no love…..but now …..(~~some stuff about how he fell in love at first sight~~) …he would be at a loss to give an answer"

=============================================

P.S: Loved the Vodafone ad with the Kabhi Kabhi song.I guess its because its pretty much of what we grew up like and some did end up just the same way if not all.

This post is almost a week old as i just felt too lazy to complete it and in just a week i find my mood is different enough.

Bidding Adieu to an era….and learning to let Go

2008-03-22T00:46:00.001+05:30

Its been like the end of an era for me today in more ways than one.
I just walked out of a place i spent nearly 3 years - my workplace and no i did not even look back and walked off as though it was just another day.
I put in my papers a week back and to my utter astonishment I was relieved in a week when i had requested just a month early releiving (well when cost cutting is the mantra such things happen…my only regret being that if i knew they would be so nice I would not have spent almost an hour at the new company interview begging for a 2 months notice and instead bargained for a better package).

When i sit down and look back there is so much to cherish , so much to be thankful that it got over but yet I am not mourning .In fact i was almost tearful when two of my friends in the group left over a year back. I have changed it seems , that girl who used to get sentimental enough to sulk for hours and days when you leave a place/person seems to have finally after thirty years of existence gotten used to leaving things behind.
I have always since childhood had to leave things behind being the the daughter of a government servant transferred around, and every place it took one hell of a time to adjust and then when i finally did , we moved again and i became grief personified as a melancholic child.
Now i guess i finally have learnt to Let Go.
Is it because i have finally grown up , or is it because i have finally given up?
I have been wondering.

I dont know what lies ahead of me , and I being that worst scenario thinking person I do have my fears but i am so calm relatively.Then i came home and looked at my blog. I noticed that in the last 1 year after changing the project i have been relatively less bitter about my workplace esp my managers on the blog .

The reason being that it was relatively a much nicer project and place than my previous one but yet today when i gave my exitinterview i filled in the form in what i remembered bitterly .

After that i realized unfortunately that this might end up being used against my immediate project/manager rather than being taken as a collective feedback for the organization.
I spoke to my manager to let it be known and i guess she's pretty cool on that which made me feel better.
In fact even in my previous project i really appreciate my manager for the support (despite such a sick sr management…against whom i have the real issues) and all except for the damned possesiveness they possesed about letting people go their way and the dramatics that were associated there.

Somewhere it pained when was greeted with a "thank you for your services" line but then what can you expect from someone way up the ladder and had minimal intearction with you.

For a moment i felt guilty about giving any negative feedback of any sort considering the fact that while i have always been criticized for not doing something more, I have always been appreciated here for doing what was expected of me splendidly.
But then I always believe that one needs to do it for a future set of people who would come in and some who stayed behind.

Nevertheless I for one last time met people who would remember me fondly and so would I though the chances of us meeting were less .
I somehow felt fine about leaving . I sort of realize deep within finally that things change in any case, if i dont move on others will and we anyways will end up on different paths.

I will always remember this place for the friends i made here….friends who remind me of the quote
"Love is blind , but friendship closes its eyes".
So many of them did that for me , I 've never realized why ?

People who pulled me out of my quiet moods ,
People who put up with my temper,
People who for all their jokes on all around spared me ,
People who gossiped all around and had so many judgements of everyone but never judged me or at least always put up a not guilty for me.
People who for all the ease with which they speak on all other stuff to me become hesitant when they ask me , when will you marry ? or invite us for your marriage.
People who stood up for me even when I spoke against them.
People who trusted me and took my word instantly.
People who may have thought me miserly but yet adored me despite it and spent a lil bit more on me.
We all have dispersed slowly across companies , cities and continents.
I will miss them . As you go up that damned ladder one is forced to climb i know it will rare to get that same love ,that trust that loyalty,
but then for once i will be positive minded, for i did not expect all the above here too when i left my past organization.(I started my blog with a poem missing people from my past organization)
I know its hard , but yeah for once its not really impossible.

So here's hoping for the best and getting prepared for the worst.

P.S: I have now 2 whole months to fritter but considering i have only one offer in hand , to minimize the risk i am considering to request an early joining .
But yeah for the next fortnight i plan to just be idle and while away time , cause i no longer have a team i can go around with , and most friends are married and
have I have a family which does not travel well.
So i will get some books and enjoy them my greatest loves and traverse a thousand worlds.

Weekends roll by…as i while off time watching stuff

2008-03-09T15:04:00.000+05:30

Saw Jodha Akbar sometime before last weekend and what do i say its for me just another movie only the sets are like of another era. The language put me off ,the dialogues make it actually worse than it is.It feels like todays's chit chat, nothing
royal about it.

When i said its was just the same love story set in a different era , a friend remarked well all love stories are same. True but its how you treat them that makes them different.

The Rasoi dialogues and stuff are simply out of Ekta Kapoor's soaps i felt .And now this reminds me of the timesofindia article " What woment don't want" wherein Ekta Kapoor says "I have always been a very focused person….And my career is my focus now . I see no reason or incentive to reprioritise and focus on marriage instead"

This is why i love the woman and hate her soaps. She simply doesn't believe in what she puts on her soaps and yet has a nation believing in that bharatiya nari covered in kilos of jewellery thing.She fools scores of people and makes loads of money. I guess it gives her one huge kick out of it.

I must say Ekta Kapoor's key strength is her comedy which she adds in all her soaps but still if Ekta Kapoor had made Jodha Akbar beleive me she'll make it more romantic than Gowarikar did .(He made Swades so realistic which was
awesome esp in terms of what made Shahrukh do).

There was that scene of Hrithik doing sword fight practice showing off, and Jodha impressed by it. Thats ok but then if thats all then why do the film fraternity go to town that the movie was made to showcase Jodha's strength of character and
blah blah.
It was for this scene that that many girls and even guys(adds my sis) see the movie its said.His face never matches his abs somehow for Hrithik i always feel.If abs are to to one's taste John Abraham is the original and the better.

Anyway the pair is beautiful enough(guys around say Ashs's old now ho cares …well i think it is now that she's looking pretty , rather than plastic earlier) to watch the movie once as stretched out as it is once but anyone who calls it a classic is just being too much.

Watched "Runaway bride" and "Four weddings and a Funeral" again on the weekend and just keep thinking why by the the time many English movies end you are so impressed by the hero/heroine though at the start you never think much of him/her. I first got this thought a decade ago i guess when i watched Speed. Keanu Reeves looked just nothing on the poster to me but by end i liked him fine.Therein lies the acting and direction difference i guess.

P.S: Then there was the end of the Australian tour, I was delirious enough to disturb by buzzing on messenger a friend in US working hard towards a release.When in college we were like so thick friends only about cricket, we belonged to different groups and all but it cricket esp that Australian tour in 1998(warne's nightmares being my cherished dream), the world cup in 1996 that our memories really start off and i guess this starts the end of them.
Its wonderful to see all the new ones but nostalgia is a damned thing for the mind as much as it cajoles the heart.

2008-03-03T16:24:00.002+05:30

As says my Tooltip for Books in Life tag on the wordpress blog my book reviews are not reviews but the feelings ,thoughts and memories the book puts in my head and heart and occasionally the soul.

After quite some days I started off reading Rusking Bond's Landour days this weekend. He is one author I love (and perhaps envy )for the sheer simplicity of life he has had is able to relate in his books.Except for his book "Strangers in the Night" which is absolutely a male fantasy kind of book different from any other book of his and I did not enjoy rest of his book bring into life an idyllic pleasure that I never have had.

His love for flowers and his description of them makes me so enjoy them . So when I started of on the introduction of this book "Landour days" – a writers journal I found so many of the things echoed and so many memories brought back .

The first line itself reminds me why I started writing this blog anonymously

""The habit of keeping a diary has led me into trouble more than once,""….."People love dipping into other people's diaries and….resulted in … ill-feeling."

It happened to me with someone of my own with just a few lines and no one has the time to read the whole ….just a few words that "I hate her" (Never mind the fact that she is the only one in this world I ever have trouble deciding to hate or love at any given time ) is all that was remembered and it probably caused a crack that though time has hidden has caused irreparable damage.

Then the story of his headmasters wife reminded me of the day in school when I was given some real insult as a child saying I was trying to forge.Funny part was I never understood what I was doing was wrong. On my lazy afternoons I just copied my teacher's signature a few times in my notebook and when it went again to her with the homework I was caught for An attempt to forge in fourth or fifth class I think. I recalled it as I read it.

His introduction itself is what I think I would like to write for my blog….

"I am a compulsive diarist…..In this way I have preserved much that otherwise would have been forgotten. Naturally there were evnts trivial in retrospect which are better forgotten but it is salutary for me to flip through the pages of old diaries…..and see how stupid I was at times or how I coped with difficult situations…..…Not everything that happens goes into the diary. The privacy of friends has to be respected. My own privacy has to be preserved, to a certain extent.But I am a subjective writer and much that I have written …has been from personal experience." I guess that's why being anonymous is best for this journal.

His lines about compulsive walkers –" who will walk all day here and there everywhere not in order to get somewhere, but to escape"……….Those of us who must work for a living and would love to be able to walk…It's a rat race for most people whether they like it or not." is another some surely can relate to.

In his advice to budding writers is a point 3 which convinces me of my limitations whenever I think of my writing in general

"Are you interested in anyone else other than yourself? Writing about oneself has its limitations"

The book and its simple funny incidents which are so believable and the idyllic morning and mountains reminding you you of times when you could dream of it at least .Many love the sea , but I like the mountains a bit more , theres something about them which fascinates me – hillsides covered with flowers may be that's what is my imagination – especially cosmos. As I walk to office I see the orange variety oif them planted in the traffic circle and they are so lovely standing up to the sun. I like the white and pink more but in the dusty crossroads I guess orange is suitable.Today one cant afford houses in hill stations . One cant afford them in these concrete jungles firstly.

Throughout the book he uses quotes like" It isn't life that matters , but the courage you bring to it" which put things into perspective which is something I love to do in my blog , never realized that till now.

I wouldn't write what he wrote of flowers they mean a lot more and so to me but ah the way he puts it.

"To me flowers are the most sensual of living things, or perhaps its just that they appeal to the sensuality in my own nature"

For me flowers are a hope , are a sign of living and blooming for the day and yes they appeal to me in ways nothing else does esp when they are on plants itself.

During my trip to Mumbai I traveled so much but what I remember is the flowers there , they are so cheap compared to here and so fresh and available in bounties. As I got down from Dadar station I saw a little girl with bouquets of red and yellow roses some 10 to 15 bouquets I guess as though they were so unreal all in her arms and that's all I remember. And then the African daisies you see green centered white ones that they pluck and sell at temples.I was so reluctant to give it to the pandit who would just crush and throw them at Siddhi Vinayak.Herein I see houses though where the pink bougainvillea wraps itself all over neem trees in such a pretty manner that I just stand for moments when I walk that path occasionally. I used to love the long walls for kilometers covered by bougainvillea a few years ago on roads which now have glass buildings.

"My faults and limitations are many but I've always accepted that I'm a most imperfect specimen of humanity, which means I've always been on friendly terms with myself"The first part of the above line I can write today but I hope I mean the second part too some day i.e I accept my faults and limitations easily but I can't be friendly with myself for them and none around me let me be.

It was nice to read something so simply joyful its always the reason I love his books, including the humor which does not get cynical and yet leaves you amused The part where he decides silence is the most sweetest sound is what I feel at time and cant bear to listen any music at all.

His stories set in simple people of Mussorie, Dehra and such hills remind me of what one can never have…its not just because of the financial factor but also because of the time that passed by.

The lines he writes for Dehradoon are what I guess one can write for anything or anyone one loves.

"Dear old Dehra : I may stop loving you, but I wont' stop loving the days I loved you"

P.S: The weekend I guess has been idyllic for me this time…Went for an interview which felt too easy except that the interviewer seemed more inrested in my education details or rather pulling out information from there. His wry look when he asked "how come your % dropped from 80% in school to 65% in Engineering- Too much studying eh was quite memorable" ….though I will forgive him rather for putting it humorously rather than the other chap at the Database company who found that some one from my college was supposed to be very active and god knows what.

Sunday was all watching Sachin and as that banner by some one in the match said thanks for all the memories. Not to watch him in live action is a regret I will live with.Then I had pre decided Monday was not right for office as I woke up idyllically at 9:30 am as I slept finishing this idyllic book late at 1:30 am and now write of it.

2008-02-16T15:00:00.000+05:30

Time just goes by...

Since the last fortnight i've been trying to write something or
rather do something substantial, i mean read if nothing .

But i did some all old and new but definitely stupid things .
Its like those lines from that poem by Rahat Indori

Mere maji ke zakhm bharne lage hain(The hurts from the past have healed)
Aaj fir koi bhool ki jaaye(lets make a mistake again)

This post is a hotch potch of almost everything in my life.

I need a job change and the market is quite down where i am so i need to brush up my skills
so that i get in somewhere else as just another engineer .
I am for now put off being a manager or anything really. If i did i'd very easily have had been here.
I refused them all and all i think when i think of career is money.

And that is getting scarce outside , unless you have niche skills. I tell myself i will start off that
4Test and Rational etc etc which i am into but have been very rusty.
It doesnt help when the stock market too is down in dumps.

But nothing helps . Since the day i found myself going blank and woke up in ICU
with saline bottles around me i just have found myself more unable
to focus( as it is i lack that) on goals and such.

Work was never so bad ....As they say when troubles come they come from all sides .
I have the slowest system in the company i feel. ...
its like stress testing in QA parlance: low resources how can you perform.
I am told by my lead i have to make a noise about it she has tried on her side....
as if in this cost cutting mode someone cares.

I watched those Test matches and went late to office - not that ever go early.
I don't mind a few words to get an hour or more of sleep or watch Sachin.
I don't know about Sachin Tendulkar but for my life I will regret he was not part of the wiinning team
of Test series in australia and he never had a chance to hit McGrath really really well . It was my dear dear wish apart from the world cup . And like many many i too feel good that we live in the same era as he though unlike those days when i passionately fought any one saying a word against him i just grew up to a wry

"bandar kya jaane adrak ka swaad"(A monkey wont realize what taste ginger has) expression.

And then i come home at 10(before 2008 it was never later than 8:30 if i did not go out for personal work)
take those damned pills which make me drowsy and still instead of sleeping I browse how my stocks are dipping or blogs orfor a few days skimmed through some online M&B which i do rarely.
But honestly they are great tranquilizers for sleep in general(not that need any more than what my doc prescribed)) and you dont need to pay attention in such books.
Everyone knows the story its all wordplay and so i like ones which have a bit of that
not those steamy ones (which are replicas actually not similar )which irritate me .
I just can't read forget technical not even some good books which i do usually.
I plan to start off on a book by Chekov i got from the library. Lets see if i manage.

My sister found her old school friend on orkut happily married with two absolutely sweet kids and
she's gone off to while away time and recall those good old days.
My grandama died and my parents went away for all those formalities.
I have some peace finally to myself this weekend so i managed to write these words.

Even music seems noise at moments.
But then i found a site(damn slow though it is) and watched Casablanca after almost
don't know 6 or 7 years and what a special movie its is.
I know i am partial to romantic comedies or dramas of subtle kind in books and movies.
Last year i guess Jab we Met and Cheeni Kum are the only movies
among what i saw .Rarely do i like much off the other kind but then i watch a few movies .
For example i liked Aamir's Sarfarosh though it hardly was a romantic movie and then there is
"The Bridge Under the River Kwai "- An excellent book of those world war time nothing romantic.

Coming back Casablanca is such a beautiful movie. I guess one should find seperate places to read reviews of that movie
but watching it again made me love it even more. Actually i wanted to see it again after watching the you tube video
of that wonderful song by Bertie Higgins "I fell in love with you watching Casablanca".

Ingrid Bergman is so classically beautiful......reminds me of Madhubala almost and Bogart's acting is awesome.But again its the wordplay in the movie that floors you.
When the prefect of Casablanca says to Rick ...
"I suspect underneath that cynical exterior of yours you are a rank sentimentalist"...
I actually thought of myself.
I try not to be sentimental......i have such a cynical view of the world in general but some are wired that way.

Some review said it became a classic due to the chemistry of the lead pair.
Well I guess quite some movies are wonderful due to just that .Jab We Met really has nothing new or speacial and
i hardly like Kareena of Shahid much but i love that movie as a whole really.
But i guess i liked almost every one in casablanca may be because i like things understated though definitely stated. i.e

(I dislike people not stating thing s to me :))

So yeah Chemistry plays its part but still casablanca has a special feel to it and then
black and white movies and pictures themselves feel so classy.
I dislike colorised versions. Only Mughal - e - azam was a bit fine.
But therein characters overpower everything else i beleive.
Ah the fights between Dilip Kumar and Prithvitraj Kapoor - I mean you just can't take sides .
Both seem right in their own context (Dilip Kumar's rebellious words were based more on Individuality rather than romance for me
and Prithviraj's words were all about the larger picture in the context of the world) and i really love that movie.

Talking of chemistry the other thing i accidentally ended doing one night was browsing the you tube for the whole Kashish Sujal videos from "kahin to Hoga" serial and there are lots of them . I mean whatever trash ekta kapoor dishes out when she wants she can make really charming love stories and the best part i like is the way she uses music i.e hindi songs with them.

So many of them she starts on a great romantic notes and then it denigrates to the usual scheming saas bahu divorce remarriage rape dramas.

Sujal is one heck of a strong character Ekta Kapoor ever made and no wonder in some interview she said thats the kind she would like. The guy is good looking ...fair enough but what makes him good is that characterization - no where else he is so attractive.
Kashish is so damn irritating in general and she's always on the wrong side yet his unwavering loyalty to her and strength of character is quite well depicted and then there's the music added....its better than what its in the movies of the songs.
I used to watch her serials for the first four to six months and then stop now i dont bother.

Then today alone staring at the sky from fifth floor window - i suddenly somehow remembered (for all our prim honest behavior at malls these days ) of days a little more than a decade ago of the only time we were or rather I was a thief.
Just after school in college outside the gate were sold cards. Greeting cards were so special then though not as beautiful .
No e cards nothing.
Then lay hundreds on long blankets outside and we used to put few of them and letter pads in our note books
buy one and then sit together in the hostel room and admire and share our booty.
Cheap Rs 4 or 5 cards and what a charm. I can't remember where they went if i gave to someone .
I went back opened by old time savings trunk its real funny stacked with books and old cards and
letters(its so fun reading them...letters from friend giving me what % each person we knew got in Std X and
of DD Tv serials which i suddenly had no access to when i went to a hostel).

I have one letter pad, though never used ,It only has an autograph of a Chemistry teacher i admired .
Who that day wrote for me as i was quite too simple then.
"Nothing is more simple than greatness.Indeed to be simple is to be great "
But then life was simpler then with hope. It ain't now. I am still simple at heart but everything else is so complex
and i just don't like to think any more and then i let each day go by and so time goes by.

I have no charitable heart so I look at some old and men and women begging on the street and
wonder curiously what motivates them to live ..... what ..what could it be at the fag end of a miserable poor beggar's life.

P.S : I hope no one looking for chemistry subject ends up here i 've used the word so many times in this post.

Kuch Taare Jo Kabhi Na Honge Sitare

2008-01-21T01:36:00.001+05:30

I saw ' Taare Zameen Pe' and I think by now there are enough reviews of that movie and so I hardly need to write one but what got me impressed was a different but related thing.A comment on some channel or paper by Aamir to the effect that if he started a movie about the troubles and pains faced by parents it would never end.

I remembered that line when in the movie the very troubled father angrily says "To kya karoon zindagi bhar ise ghar me baith ke khilaon kya".(What do I do feed him forever at home) .It seems such a heartless statement against such a cute boy right but think of a ground realities and you realize.

A simple normal middle class nuclear family , with one breadwinner though they love their child can only do so much. Unlike in movies there are few sympathies for anyone in this world who does not stand up and get counted in this rat race. You hate being in the race but you have no choice they push you in the line. (I felt this most boarding Mumbai local trains.) .

The usual answer is the government should provide special schools and provisions in transports buildings etc for differently abled people. Lets be frank , in the current scenario is it feasible for the next four or five decades for this to happen in our country (even with the best intentions) where even the strongest get tired in our public transport.(oh yeah one visit to Mumbai taught me that).

Yes I loved that child as he was sweet charming, but I wonder what if they shot the movie with a not so cute child, would our audiences lap up with equal sympathies.

Also I had a general thought on the tagline

" Every child is special ". Is it?

So once you turn 18 you no longer are.

Why every human being is not special is what I lament about?

There's nothing wrong with loving children, they are adorable (and I confess I too like most enjoy them except some ever crying ones).In them unfortunately most parents dream up their own dreams gone bad and some even sadly look them up as old age investment.

But once a child grows up do they no longer need the same things, as that child in the movie needed , affection ,belief , a bit of help, trust confidence.

I may not seem politically correct but I often feel that we whip up lot media hype on differently abled, old aged, diseased essentially , people where sympathy factor can be hyped. What about normal people who live with such.Life in world is very hard to survive and if anything I really admire the people who take care of people with disabilities and diseases with real hear felt concern and not as a job.

In fact its so sad to see teachers of today. Its like if you don't get any job you become a teacher and how the heck they treat children.

Ah our days were so better – at least 1 in 5 was admirable and inspirational.

Even the movie showed a wrong point, "Every child is special"- Lets face it and it's a fact not every dyslexic child became Einstein or Picasso and in that school of Aamir not everyone had the same level of ability. So again there's a race among the differently abled.

So while we can never admire those boring people lets not be that unsympathetic to them

" Every Human being is special" if to no one to the himself , at least near and dear ones should emphasize that , its not just for cute children.

The pain of the child is true , but so is the pain of those parents.Not that I don't have issues with parents but as Aamir says that story never ends.

Then I remembered our school days when so many of them wanted to be in the airforce. It was a passion like anything and today everyone wants to be a software engineer or a businessman.

Oh those days !!!

And how all ended up

A small discussion on Talent vs Skill

2008-01-21T01:35:00.001+05:30

When I traveled last week with my Dad I unintentionally got into a very short interaction about the education system of our country with the Chairman of one of the finest Electronics Company in India.

He asked generically about my education and work and when I honestly said "Electrical and Electronics" but I am now working in Software as then I found no job in Electronics.(this could be the reason I wrote this old post)

He asked a very tricky question you can say

"Did you use your engineering skills to polish your Software skills or learnt your Software skills for the job"

He then lamented how when he interviews many freshers from Engineering Colleges he finds them absolutely lacking in a practical understanding of engineering. I replied this is because in our Education system Engineering concentrates on theory and the Diploma candidates learn the practical skills and hence Engineers from small colleges are never taught or allowed to really practice improve and experiment with real practical aspects of core Engineering. To this he retorted strongly "Engineering cannot be taught, one should have a understanding and talent for it".I would have loved a very serious discussion of this but my Dad disliking my getting into my argumentative mode with his professional contacts cut me short as is a norm (as he too believes I am not an Engineer not an electrical and electronics one at least, since I don't understand the wiring of my house at all) with a wonderful change of topic . But if this topic had gone on I would have loved to ask that gentleman

Is it? Engineering cannot be taught, it's a Talent? , practicality and innovation being the key points– Agreed

But then sir why do you ask for Engineers when you hire for your Luminaries division?

Why not just conduct a workshop where whoever with may be Xth standard pass does the job you want in the best way hire them – why do you insist on a degree. Also what percentage of the so called real true Engineers with all the practical understanding etc get a chance for innovation. That can be done in research and what is the percentage of engineers who get a chance in research in here is common knowledge.

In the end most jobs are repetitive and the finest will innovate and create anywhere but sir that percentage is miniscule. These creative ones may create a blue print for you great innovation but to manufacture you need second grade but committed people who will do your repeat uncreative jobs.

So cheers ….And we all do that "To jobs that pay the rent/ EMI" etc etc……. It is for such that that wonderful quote by Stoppard was written "Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wicker-work picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art."

Though my favorite example was and is this. Taj Mahal may have been designed and conceived by one or two or a small set of wonderful persons but to build it you needed thousands of boring people who simply carried and lifted bricks.

We may not love them admire them but lets never forget we need them.