Its been some 10 days  now and may be writing this post now is a way of consolidating all those thoughts - I would not want to dwell much on the exact issue now - but lets just say - its an event that alters so much - So much of life  - May be its just a fear of a new situation- Some say such is life face upto it  - something like that agneepath poem may be ?

But fact is I can only recall the poem I posted long back on my blog so wont repost wholly but its there at the end of this post

the alteration of all of life's schemeshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life's KALEIDOSCOPE...........

And while people talk of miracles and the mind swings from Dawkings to religion to spirituality ,

what remains are the cold hard economic facts of life and the the emotional pain of the heart. All else gets altered.

Let me start with my fragmented recollections.

And so last week as I slept crouched in the floor of the waiting room of a super speciality hospital I recalled Harry Potter - I could only recall the dementors and for the life of me I could not recall with all my tries what they called the spell that drove them away - I simply forgot the word Patronus.

All I was thinking was so many souls must 've left the world here in this place - and then dementors.

I hate hospitals. Does anyone like them ? May be Doctors do ? Not Sure

The last 10 days made me wonder if its the most cold blooded profession ever and be glad that I never ventured into anything close despite my parents hopes. There is something so chillingly inhumane about the medical fraternity - its seems more pronounced these days. In my childhood may be I was not so perceptive or may be the doctors knew to act caring at the very least.

I am not sure what to say - whom to blame and may be we being caught in our own emotions do not understand the importance of being detached in a profession on that sorts. But then its hard when I see professionalism being reflected in the ICU  - by treating the patient as an object.

When the patient groans in pain or says I want to leave or anything the nurses do not even bother to acknowledge his existence - he is an object whose clinical parameters are to be noted - Its hard to decide professionalism OR cold bloodedness or is the overlap now become a merge actually.

At times the Ayahs seem more perceptive and caring - but then whom do we blame . Hiring 18 yrs old giggling students as intern nurses ?

One would want to make noise about one certain hospital or something but one knows its the same state across .

Pasting of right to Information boards - but administering medicines by cutting each and every pill so minutely -  in such a manner that no one can read the labels.

Its the bleeding of the living in the name of the dying - our medical world. So I had my own thoughts of cold heartedness .

Was it better those days when we knew someone would live or die than now - with our great medical advances which try to make some one live clinically and slowly take multiple lives ?

Stories shared that make you chuckle in your worst grief and then realize how easy it seems from the other side - when you listen.

A patient admitted due to seizures caused due to bad liquor - Ok so we know the stereotype dont we ? -

But nah its a lady in a village who is a govt pensioner and loved her liquor too  much to listen to anyone and would challenge the family - whats for you to lose the govt pays my bills.

An absolute arrogant patient who even in the ICU managed to put fear into the police officer there to take down the facts - Oh but then thats a lady shouting "I am a army colonels wife " who wakes up in the ICU asking - where is my purse ?

A family with its last few savings being spent on ventilator - not having  the heart or the gumption to disobey the almost finished patient.

I am not sure why we remember the good things about someone when critical - when recalling something bad would actually ease the pain we feel about the situation. And so we live on and its all so hazy and no unlike many its not death thats scary I guess for me - its life .

You then understand why religion survives - more so in this part of the world.

The sheer helplessness of life forces you I guess to take refuge in some way.

Life that feels so entrapped and yet somehow its inappropriate even to oneself to mention it - to acknowledge that there are times you want to be so selfish and yet cannot - not sure if its a lack of courage or of heart.