Since the last month when I posted hoping to be back with some nice travel notes life has shaken me me up in ways that simply reiterates calvin
"Reality continues to ruin my life" . and how it did….
But then it could have been worse I know all the spiritualists of this world would say.I will never say that cause
"Never say that it can't get worse because it can, and you're just tempting fate."
~Louise Sybing
So many things so many thoughts don't know what to start off with.
When I left on a 10 day vacation to Mumbai and Aurangabad where my Dad travels in lieu of his job , I had hoped for some change and a bit of shopping…..and when I return back a probable short trip to US to add on to my resume if nothing else…. a life like mine could not hope for more. So when a colleague asked to join my family for the trip in I could not refuse and was like fair enough some company is fine. More on all that later.
But what this trip ended as shook me up , fair enough I can get over with that but what I cant handle is , for a life with so few options it literally shut them all off.
I've been a rather healthy person all the thirty years of my life , and yeah with age life catches up….all that's ok, but for someone who never spent a day in hospital , ending up in an ICU with absolutely no memory of how is hard to digest.(Never mind my experience with the worst nurses ever who use injections like knives) .
Well doctors say its some thing in the head which will heal happily in 6 months medication no big deal. Hmm may be but what it does it this
I can't go anywhere anymore forget onsite not even another city for the time being a few months, at least in theory it's a risk to be alone ….and funnily that's what I was hoping from life ….a simple independent peaceful life.
I am requested to consider, there is a urgent requirement to travel onsite and I have to refuse. Its not about career or anything for that matter …Health is Wealth indeed but its all about ending up dependent all because of a risk.
They say such experiences make you value life,
I wish I had something to value,
to me it simply makes me fed up all the more .
"Life is a long headache on a noisy street"
Yeah there are people who want it…….
People who have so much to live for …..
….and yeah if I could give it up as a trade I 'd happily do so.
I just can't take the pain and then added to it be a hassle to a family to whom I will never be a cause of joy.
One of my sister's friend commented it seems that …are your sisters friends too like your sister who never smiles – "Well I wish I could explain to that lovely lady that no , some are born sad , they cant live off others , they cant find great joy just because they can afford to but a few dresses more or rather some one is willing to "
For me my current dilemma is what do I do with life
I don't want a new straining job
My past is not easy to shrug off to get a cool job
I cannot leave the country for now for work .
I am supposed to live and afford it ……..
What a waste of earths resources I am it seems
But that's a common issue I believe…so I
Refuse to censure myself much on that count.
I know half of what I am writing is hogwash but then I have to write , I have ben trying to make time for writing this since the last fortnight…and now again I remember Orhan Pamuk and his evergreen adorable speech….Yes one writes to be happy
"I write because I have never managed to be happy.
I write to be happy."
When half my friends and family speculate as to what I do late at night and that they think is the cause of my strain(browse what??? Chat with whom?…i write this nonsense ).
Then there was this lady that accompanied me – oh a yeah in standard terminology we call them friends. She's had a some issue in her marriage and lives with parents I after a year of acquaintance never ask her what (hey come on she reciprocates too…she never asked me why I am still single). So when she requests is it an issue if she joins my family on the trip I say fine cause i am a bit dumb at times I guess and also it would be a change for her too.
But I should have remembered the lessons of my past….
The lady is a bit strange and she sure upset my sister with her haggling ways at shopping , ….not that it never happens with me…but then I get irritated but can live with it…cause I have few friends….most are acquaintances …….most of which start due to that standard need at work Team work.
But my sister who at least in our house is the sun around whom the world must revolve found it a real turn off after the trip…she was quite nice during it thinking that she may be a great friend of mine cause she knows I usually in any other case don't invite people over to home. Anyways things went off in quite cool way but when we got back home and we sisters had the discussion I was asked how come you became friends with her she seems so not your type.
I explained that she was a good acquaintance and I know she's a bit self centered but so be it. As long as you don't fall head over heels(as do quite a few guys) for such kind no issue.
To me she was a team member and then at times after that some company
To go around, when all the married people are busy .
I tried to give some education to my dear sis about people not being black and white and shades of grey but well I get asked point black……If what she is not bad and greedy what is - dad had to arrange a qualis instead of a small car because she was an extra member and yet she is so self occupied and greedy she says …."ooo wish we had arranged an Innova".
Well well people say things in jest…and yeah such is life….and then try to explain that bad is when people instead of being self centered become harmful and plot against you.
Also I tell her may be she's so ungrateful as she thinks she's taken me out to Coffee day a bit many times.
I tell her that I live like this only dear….
And that's why I hum that sweet song
"Mile na phool to kaanton se dosti kar li
Isi tarah se basar humne zindagi kar li"
"As i could not find flowers, I made friendship with thorns
and so I spent my whole life"
Not that my sister will ever get it…
She's had things and people ready to serve and
finds nothing wrong in being served .Not that she's any happier though.
Different people …different attitudes.
After all I cant explain her that I ignore most people who live in fantasies thinking that stuff ain't obvious.
Life's easier looking the other way.
For example this lady above i spoke of often calls me over as a company to Coffee day to meet knowing well enough I care two hoots to meet at expensive places and will never foot the bill - the real reason this all is to meet the guy in the team. The guy though is pisssed off and told her that why am I invited always when he wants to meet her. Some people can be real dumb.
Another awesome example : in gmail custom message will any idiot ever put the below as custom message for everyone to see"Should I smile because you're my friend, or cry because that's all we will ever be?"
That's meant clearly for only one person and any one who ever saw that guy and gal together and has an iota of sense will get it. There's nothing wrong yaar in such complicated affections and i at least believe the world loves or may be enjoys at least to see people in love(again thats debatable) but when you use someone as a buffer at least be decent about it rather than act as though it's a favor to me.
Gosh what I live through……
What a stupid and bitching kinda post…..
The next one hopefully I will be saner if not in a better mood.
No comments:
Post a Comment