On being moved to appreciate trivialities


Usually quotes come to mind as I write some thoughts but when I started to write this post after much laziness preventing any writing I could not much recall any that fitted the exact thoughts in my minds which triggered me to post this until I found this.

“To praise the sun is to praise your own eyes.” - Jalal ad-Din Rumi


And so you could say for anyone who can really praise anything while not directly involved with it.
While human craving for appreciation is so well known what we do not realize is how few can truly appreciate.
I do not mean the appreciation mailers really I blogged on but more like enjoying something irrelevant really enough to appreciate - not because it is a success or because everyone loves it -But really be able to be touched by something small thats well ignored in general.
May be I am confusing it with many things I think in this respect so lets go to the background that framed the thought.

Someone from our team was leaving - well to build the character first
- the chap can be exasperating in his questioning which is where we started off when he came new
- argumentative when he knows something and absolutely I care a damn about authorities.
He kind of had a reputation for being a confuser - in which I played a good part due to the way he confused me too - but more
esp as somehow his communication style made life worse for him.
But then with time I really could see the passion with which he worked on what he liked even when no one cared and I seriously appreciate that.
One of the downsides of having a policy at work where its like do what you want , how you want as long as what we want is working is no one out there differentiates between how well optimally or precisely someone got it to work.
No one appreciates the finer backend stuff .
So well time went on - we had new manager , new leads and now this guy was leaving and so he arranged a knowledge transfer of his work. There were just two of us me and a new senior lead who was now picking up most of the work writing code and he walked us through - at the end the senior chap just said to me - "he has written it so well"
Something I always knew and saw but there was nothing I could say as in the end its all about what is accepted as working
- in which we had less success
This new senior guy is also a very hard working chap and has made a success out of things so well that stands out. What no one sees is - he writes things to work for that moment - his success is due to his heroic efforts - which in future would be hard to handle by others - unlike someone who wrote it more well neat with a thought for ease and longevity.

But I thought at least this guy had the eye to see the good work - something the so called managers pre-occupied with making ppts dont. And so that incident and another below brought me this whole thought of how
- can we appreciate and - what we appreciate tells so much about us.

My father is one of those persons about whom one of the advertisements jokes - "tab tho un dinon street light ke paas kaafi bheed rahi hogi" (it must've been really busy with so many people under the street light)- Yeah he too says I studied there .

Nevertheless he was viewing the new 5 star add where two guys sat on a wooden horse thing and well he said "what crap is this . They pay lakhs for this nonsense" . Well I thought - Ok he's off on his usual rant - but then he remembered a ad and appreciated it - a rarity and that would tell so much about him - its not a enjoyable or fun ad but he appreciated it.
"He said that add where a kid takes a wire and makes something like tongs for his mother - how nice that concept was" - It was for Havell's fire proof cables
The fact is my father is one of those people who loves making things out of such crap which exasperates us no end as this pretty much means nothing in the house can be thrown out - everything could be useful in some way !! . Yup oyr house is full of old wires being used for clothesline - broken shoe heels can be fashioned into door stoppers and what not :(
And so I realised that was why that ad touched him and he liked it .
Just as someone who loves to code appreciates a good code.

Indeed to praise the sun is praising your own eyes - your own love for the light & warmth it bestows

Jumbled thoughts of times we live in...

I have lost the art or may be the patience of writing a nice one topic based post which is why I write in such directionless manner , but the real issue is finding a title for such posts honestly.
Well I started writing on this thinking of facebook. There's something sinister about the way facebook is developing - I mean the way its being planned to be used by organizations.
Nothing's clear(though we all know the conspiracy theories) but what do you feel when you get an invite from
- the senior managers who rarely nods when they pass you by,
- people sitting two blocks away and all managers who rarely say hi (not that i mind , even I dont do that but then I dont go adding them)

Its isnt quite the orkut style stranger friend requests - its a deliberate thing by people whose request you cannot
refuse without being rude.
I have seen someone who added people in a whole department in a week . He probably has spoken directly to 40% of them even once.
If keeping in touch - professional contacts was the thing there's always linkedin which should be used.
But somehow no senior manager bothers on that Platform.

Organizations are begining to have social media policies I hear , but that is for employees being restricted,
I wonder if organizations themselves will have any scruples at all using stuff they pick up on employees.
But then thats an individual problem.

I am amazed at the idiots galore who put up their birthday on facebook fully correctly when thats actually the minimal authentication for many banks. No wonder Citibank type frauds happen. I was feeling hilarious
when I heard he cheated the Hero Group and at the same time it seemed scary.
If thats the level of sophistication really what chance do we have.

But yeah the sums that get talked about on TV and internet makes you feel really so small .
I mean nothing less than a crore gets discussed , be it IPL, frauds scams, or shopping and then you get
hikes of a thousand rupees or some single digit multiple . You seriously question yourself about you being any good really
until you see the IPL auction.

Ravindra Jadeja gets bid for 4 crore plus while some of the best across go unbid or for what 1 crore + /-.
This is a twisted world really. Nothing professional about it .
There you go Ayn Rand !! - If you ever want to see why your pure capitalism is not perfect and fails just see this auction.
The best will not rise to the top by default in Capitalism.
Capitalism is simply the lesser and preferable evil which allows everyone a chance to be evil , but evil it is.

Then again I think Ayn Rand was wrong but may be she had to exaggerate capitalism and its perfect world ,to put across her point among the fanatic socialists.

Thats the only way it seems to make a point. The assasination in Pakistan of Tasser and other religious hardline stuff we hear -
simply keeps increasing day by day even on the internet makes you realise the importance of someone like Richard Dawkins.
He seems as fanatic about Atheism as the religious fanatics he opposes(which is why I found God Delusion a wonderful read but odd ) but its at these times you realise why thats necessary -
without that fanatic passion you cannot make a liberal open minded counter argument to the relegious extremists.

I havent seen the movie The Devil's Advocate yet but I heard this quote from it which I liked because esp of the line
" absentee landord " as it reminded me of my favorite perfect song describing God for me

"aasman pe hai khuda aur zameen pe hum "
aaj kal vo is taraf dekhta hai kam"

John Milton: Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off. He's a tight-ass. He's a sadist. He's an absentee landlord. Worship that? Never.

Another Year

Whats a year but a number when life seems to be almost in slumber.
2010 drifted really in a nothingness sort of way for me

Have been in a strange mood since December. Dont feel like reading much.
Dont feel like writing too.
Thoughts come to mind but there is a tendency to just lie still and not jot them.
Hope 2011 lets me get over all that and we come to a grand end as predicted the following year.

Sounding too morose this post for a new year?
Well here's a lovely song that makes me feel hugely better
always with lovely lyrics as usual by gulzar

ek subah ek mod par

P.S: This post was made just hoping that I try to post more or rather something better than what I did in 2010
And just as I am planning to click publish I remember its a new decade too. Ok so next post may be a decade recap ? Let see

Quite Robotic !!

To state it simply it was a hugely underwhelming experience.
The hype , the praise surrounding Robot - I was prepared to be slightly dissapointed but really to be bored in a Rajni movie
- not expected and yet for most part I was bored.

It just meanders on , it tries to touch on high brow issues here and there no doubt about science and humans
and social effects but really just a scratch on surface.
For most part it just streches on. One movie whose success is beyond me.
As for Aishwarya she is so perfect for Robot.Such a beautiful Robotess??
In that song where in a scene multiple clones of Aishwarya came on screen I just thought what the heck is the movie all about.
If chitti likes Sana then the scientist shouldve made another Robot for Chitti just like Sana and let the matter rest.
Or the Robot who cloned himself all over shouldve made one like Sana who really likes him and program non cheating (but bugs will exist in code as always!!)

I do not dislike it - Its just boring. In fact of all mass heroes Rajnikanth is the most entertaining with whatever his patented stylishness is and yet this so boring a movie.
Crazy fans I understand - but even for them there is not a single rajni punch line or anything for mass hysteria seriously.

Oh Yeah technical brilliance appreciation is deserved - yeah for folks who never watched beyond Indian movies yes brilliant
- but anyone who saw other stuff wont find this mind blowing.
Yes this cost less was done at on etenth the price of Hollywood - so the director and technicians did a feat ,
admirable take nothing away from them - but the movie was enjoyable - how ??

The technical appreciation for an admirable work by an Indian while completely deserved , me being cruel thinking
reminded me of lalit Bhanot's amazing comment during CWG. "Our standards are different than yours"

The movie lacked heart or emotional touch somehow for me - and since I am not a great technical effects fan I guess thats the core issue.Even in movies like Matrix I loved the subtext the emotional conflicts and the whole discussion etc rather than the high quality stunts and whatever.

But technical eye feast if thats to be talked of not in strict technical terms - of the few movies I've seen I just
have to say "Lord of the Rings" - I just love the whole setting and the extravagant setup.
There's a joy in every character human or robotic .
I was terrified and disliked the Gollum creature hugely - but saw a forum where a lady foun him cute - Hmmm.

P.S: Since the post was about a underwhelming experience I will just post a unrelated link from CWG which was a overwhelming experience.I am no athletics fan nor ever watch it but was led to it by a link and was wowed by it.Girls with no support whasoever and such odds and the video seems just like a thriller in a movie.

first err in haste and then rant in blogposts

Its one of the hardest things to do - to accept that mistakes inevitably happen ,
whether due to luck or pressure ,rush or whatever.
Unlike others who find it hard owning up to one I very easily can own up when I see one ,
but to accept it to myself that I overlooked something , it is very hard.

I try , but its hard till I manage to get some sleep over it.
Its till I do that well enough , I find it tortures me .

And then when people tell you , its ok its ok - its hard not to try to
figure out who says that as a smirk and who means it genuinely.

This was a week I felt after a long time felt that whole elements were simply against me.
It felt like a huge conspirarcy of fate , nature and what not and I slipped up .

Murphy's law took its course and everything that could go wrong did go wrong.

I just hope it ends here and does not carry through to the next month.
reminded me of a sysadmin to whom once I said after our whole servers crashed
" Oh that VM is fine , well then the worst is behind us"
To which I was replied

"Never say that --, The worst is never behind us,
it is always ahead of us , waiting for us to slip up and then catch us " or something like that
Even on messenger it seemed ominous then.

In hindsight , such errors keep you grounded , may be .
Trying to look at the bright part of it.
I erred , when many believed in me.So yeah they will cross check now but
had I committed something similar before that belief set in ,
I guess like some others I would have been typecasted too.

But neverthless right now I typecast myself as a hopeless freak and nervous wreck who mulls over
things like a wrong version install to write rant posts like this.

P.S: The movie "I hate love stories" may be just one more has been movie for me, - I watched it on CD so offhandedly and with not much time spent on TV I never listened to the songs actually.
And then I listen to the Sadka song from it while shopping at a mall for nearly an hour , it kind of grew on me as I was there and now its been looping for the last two weeks on my media player. Love the song.

Random Rambles


This should actually be a seperate post. RGV deserves that but I am too lost in my worries (I add my saga to the end),and he put across a opinion which sort of merged into my thoughts I mix it up here.
Ram Gopal varma - have known quite a few fanatics of his. Have seen some of his movies which are too good and some too hilarious.
Seriously Thank god I watched Daud in TV. In theater I dont know how I could have managed.
The music of Dauuuuud... itself felt so hilarious.
But this isnt about his movies really. I did not like him much as a person as his visions seem like he's still stuck in some crazy
curiosity associated with teenage boys - his potrayal of his leading ladies/his horror fixation.

But I dont know waiting at which place I flipped through which magazine/news wherein I read a interview of his where he said something like this
" If I need to think why would I go to a woman. I would open a book"
Now its not a comment that makes any woman happy , but the guy I thought was being quite honest and I admired that then and that thought stayed with me . Till I saw this tweet by him and again thought.
Well all said and done he just put honestly a very uncomfortable truth.
"The biggest lie is that hard work pays nd ths is mainly propogated by smart non workers who live off the stupid hard workers"

The thought and some other stuff and my life's bad twists got me started off on reading "fooled by randomness".
The goings slow but will post on that later.
So well its been terrible time .Its like something which was nothing has snowballed into horrid stuff.

Its actually not as horrible if only , if only I could develop that Take It easy policy.Its a hard hard bargain.Easy to say but tough to live upto .But some of the most idiotic people have that attitude and thats what carries them through.
Actually all managers Ive seen who really want to see you move up gave one simple advice - dont worry about people's grumbles and mumbles .
I find it unlike others easier to implement it in life - but hard when it relates to work.

I once had a flare up with a team member regarding some work assigned and he mumbled something I got into the - lets clear this up mode and my manager calls me up and explains - come on its ok just ignore.

Similarly a friend who was sort of upset about being labelled too aggressive by a set of people who did not like being questioned
about timelines (esp by a lady)spoke to her senior manager who just smiled and re-iterated the same advice.
Ignore it - its part of the job.
(Heard of someone who happen to know by grapevine as a very bindaas - "I wont work" kind of cool person and
he got into IT's most hallowed places.You could see the pain it causes to the people
who really passionately go about work. But well as they say high up there what you need is a bindaas take it easy person.
You cant go crazy everytime something crashes. But yeah that news sort of made me feel think a trifle
less of the only company I ever admired(I am not a great fan of big organizations , though been with few and still am).
I always thought - oh what could I do there - (its for the hot shot developers and ultra smart genius game changers and what not - but well times change or our perspectives change)

Now this is all very nice if you have the support - but its a bit hard to take when you are on your own.

Added to that many women simply are worriers - I admit that and give up , we worry way too much.I know it yet its hard to change. Also you think you are cool and over most stuff by now and still at the crunch you just have that pent up emotion.

I have like a soap opera in my head running continuosly - if this is said , this is to be answered . If that then this and what not.
I am never a self help book person - I actually feel beyond help to speak the truth.
but one book I had once bookmarked to check someday was "Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life"

My greatest problem despite all the wonderful advice I have read and know is still the same.
You see a email, you are infuriated , reply reply now.

Forget fury - In any case I have a terrible habit with email - I need to reply and be done with them.
No other way I seem to be at peace.
A huge disadvantage well wishers have advised.
The best successful people are those who as the quote says.
"I love work. I can stare at it for hours"

So I spoiled a whole day in fury , being upset and what not and ringing up people up north and down south to
get a handle on my nerves and stop behaving like the idiot that I inherently seem to be.

I mean what are you supposed to answer when someone arrogantly (OK I exaggerate that chilling calm voice is what I take as arrogance)states as a benefit of working in this place for over 2 years
"Where did you work previously (i.e its some small mid sized place)- here youve worked on blah blah - a big blah"
And I react
" Oh yeah So what ?? the next blah product you ask me to look at - well the manager there will also say
- I gave you the big chance on this blah , Did you ever work on this kind of blah"

I forgot - I forgot big time - that managers are also human beings
and human beings have egos
and a human being who happens to be a manager and Indian usually tends to have a big big ego.
Add to it the calm ones who are polished and nurse the hurts like a wound which does not augur well for little people like me.

And then just when I was trying to soothe myself from all the woes being visited upon me - I had a surprise situation.
A complete blackout. No power no transport and absolutely locked up for a day away from all this.

I thought I would gain some perspective , but I seem to have lost it, dont know why.
I actually have self diagnosed myself as having a problem of inertia.
When I work on onething I find it hard to leave it and do something else.Even if its not my job - even if its not worth from a payoff
perspective. If I find it good enough to get it started I kind of persist on it.
Similarly When I dont work and veer off to movies and books , work seems like a necessary evil and hard to get started on.
This extends to many other things which includes like not looking for a change.
But fortunately or unfortunately - strange circumstances happen - which finally get me moving every couple of the years.
Seems the next cycle has started.


Anyways its great to listen to stuff you pretty much know and actually might have said to them once from friends.
It reaffirms the whole thing again and makes us feel good.Same stuff we repeat to each other when times are bad , but it does help.
Like one freind told me a such stuff - to calm my mood - part of which I sort had once told her in different words though.Nothing new.
"See if I hire a servant from a village, and she looks after my in laws fine and is very helpful to guests but I dont seem to be
her priority I will still complain right. So it happens let it go."
Then she added her hubby's wise statements to it.(Ok I let it pass that he's a manager)
See if your existing servant whom you started off asks for a 30% hike you scowl. She leaves - you hire a new one at 50%.
And those are the facts of the world we live in."


Actually I previously had a co-worker who for all his faults had a great sense of humor.
He once remarked women are perfect for QA - they have inherent qualities for it.
i.e they find find faults with everything and anything - Nothing seems satisfying enough.


The verdict though has been clean and clear from pretty much my close friends I know.
"You think way too much - what is there to think so much about trying for alternative job.
First try and then you can think - and dont over- react as if your job is in jeopardy (they know the whole issue is simply which
manager gets to suffer me now that I am angry)
You are one hell of a coward deep inside when it comes to yourself - in initiating the change"

Yeah I find it hard to disagree, - but I have my reasons
and at this point they say thats the hard part
"your reasoning is totally flawed but hard to argue with you" -
So I start being a little courageous for myself. After all

"Courage is the fear of being thought a coward. ~Horace Smith"

And some work related nuisance

This isnt the first time and it wont be the last but I have my days when I properly turn
upside down all that I work for like a petulant child.
When I rarely used to draw something years ago I had this inbuilt , sketch my favorite rose very nicely and
then scratch it all over or in my best mood draw window rails all over it.
This post is just a rant , a record I am just posting - to look back how I never seem to grow up.

I just did not like it what was happening at my workplace.
I am countlessly told , oh you are appreciated - Good job what not but at the end of the day I have nothing to show for it.
But well thats a normal thing in corporate offices .

What bugged me was the reason for this was that this was because I was in the middle of a power struggle of
two or may be unknown to me three managers.

No one wants to fight and further a cause which does not benefit them directly.
The one who is benefitted is not in a position to further my cause directly.
And thus I end up sidelined.Well this is all again usual I guess.

What I do at such times is my very own style of stupidity.
Most people would simply go out look for a change and slam it in the face of such employers or
look at some brighter side in their life and trudge on in the same way.
I just go and talk nonsense and then feel hugely relieved about it.

After working from the scratch on something for 2 years because I was angry at this whole scenario
I just walkin and say I want to move out to some other department, and well they are thrilled about my asking for a move ,
but not from the whole department - we have so much in here... and so on and I talk back even more ridiculosuly - or may be not.

Ok do you want to do some development work ?

What dev after 6 yrs of QA - no I dont want to be your average developer.

Ok we have some work on blah blah...would you like to explore
No I dont want to do any exploration work at all .

Would you want to do the set up ...
No i dont want to set up anything anymore did fair enough of that

So your interest area in performance end would you want something on that.
No you product is too complex so they dont use tools and
do it like ...... I dont want that.
I did not want to mean that I did not like complex products but I guess they took it like that as it suited them

Ok so you want some new challenge
No i want what I am good at - no challenges anymore Ive taken enough

I did just some similar odd angry talkback like this some 3+ years back for moving out of a module - that I literally owned and was indirectly told to be the lead.

This process seems to keep me perennially stuck up at the same point in my career and well I have my moment of regrets
when I look back at my peers and all.

But they are just moments, they pass too quickly and after a good nights sleep I have to recall what the whole fuss was all about.
It just some well meaning friends who actually do the rub in or scratch the painful reminders.

For now I am like very chilled out.
See the best thing about all my outburst is I've practically announced - no longer rely on me,
and they know they havent much to offer unto me.

So while I did screw up my long term career prospects my short term mood prospects are so better.

But I console myself with that wonderful line

"In the long term we are all dead" - I am absolutely rooting for 2012 end of the world - ok at least for me.

P.S:one thing Ive learnt is we Indians are so conscious about who's the boss - always.
Everyone goes around saying we should not be taking orders from the US people when the whole workforce is here - we do the real
work and what not,but what no one says openly is while they can still swallow some US chap ordering them around in India - nothing embitters people as much as an Indian in US ordering them around .
I wish I just said that one line too. But then I know both sides are pretty much the same so I am glad at heart I managed pretty well.
So lets see how things work out from here.
P.P.S: Few months back when things weren't as bad in life as they are now I and my sister had shortlisted two places to may be visit
if we could save up.Thailand / Leh.
Thailand had the political unrest.Leh now has that cloudburst
It means nothing really and yet I feel so cursed even in my thoughts.

Ahem the Appreciation(Mails)

I had been on this thought since the last fortnight or so but finally in this rainy sleepless night have managed to key it in.


"Feeling appreciated is one of the most important needs that people have.
When you share with someone your appreciation and gratitude, they will not forget you. Appreciation will return to you many times."
Steve Brunkhorst

Beautiful and True - If only it wasn't developed into a fake art.

Appreciationsor rather appreciation mails form one of the most important part and parcel of what we call our corporate jobs.
Oh well even government jobs have some appreciation I learnt when I saw my father display some of his stuff.

Its the perfect alternative cited by the hallowed managers as what one must go after instead of materialistic compensation.
Even if for a moment you believe them you will only end up in dissapointment with how much of all this is fake.
All I want to know is - if I have some one honest enough to let me in on the secret do they believe it themselevs
and most importantly do they think that all their reportees are such blind fools not to see it through.

I guess at the core there are two kinds of appreciation mails - the original and the fake

The genuine and really heartfelt ones - rare from our managers in India, relatively easier to get from overseas customers/managers
Here while some are real nice and make you feel really appreciated ,some are a tad too
profuse and dramatic to the point of being embarassing at times.

Fakes as always have more variety unlike originals - so three very basic varieties

First are the obligatory ones sent - usually in response to one appreciation - its kind of like retweet on twitter

Someone from the top appreciates someone - and so they feel obligated to appreciate to appease the original top honcho
- Good job , Great job blah blah.
And they want us to believe they appreciate. Heck !!

Second are the compulsive appreciators. The ones who appreciate as a mean to appease themselves - something like
"I am on top I have the power to appreciate."
So they send a good job - Wonderful and such one liners for every task by email

Last comes the calculated appreciations a hybrid of the above two
The ones with the right cc , with the right cut copy and paste .The ones which dont just feel fake, but in someway seem to
want to ensure its obvious the are fake - the mean art of appreciation.

Thought about it when we received a appreciation mail for some work from a Sr manager abroad in very simple
genuine almost handwritten letter kind of words.
Felt nice though,No big deal we felt ,apart from the fact that we had to do a
rarity in our project - work late till midnight for just a day.
The cc list was a bit too high up , I almost felt - why the heck.
And then a follow up mail a week later to it saying the customer too was very happy and we were like - uff let it be please.
Glad to hear and love that you appreciate.

And here it wouldve ended but for the fake drama that ensued.
First the clueless immediate manager wants to know - umm what was that for.

I reply back - I did blah blah ...
A did mwha mwha ....

And then in half an hour it gets retweeted to another cc list as I said

Good job B for doing blah blah
Good Job A for mwha mwha . keep it up

Some say this is needed to spread the word. May be it is - So a Good Job with the Fwd will suffice ,
but when you start doing cut copy paste in such manner of my own words - back to me its a fake and makes me despise you for the fakeness.

This is why its probably better to go after materialistic compensation. At least the fakes there have some use till discovered as fakes.

And so it goes...

Its been a messy career move for me, the last one I did I guess. Quite unhappy here in every aspect.
Why do you need to ask for what you deserve??
I refuse to - not a great career plan , but what the heck !!
Its time for them to get what they deserve.
Ive got to move out of this comfort zone Ive gotten myself into. More on that later.

Movies in Busy times: Love Aaj Kal etc ....

Last month I catched up on Movies finally.Two of them were terrible disasters I would say , the third though nothing great saved my day .



Love Aaj Kal is not a movie you would not call awesome in any way. Its good but its more pathbreaking than many will let out.
I mean see Shahrukh promoted this convincing parents theme and last minute - shaadi mandap interrupts and while it looked sweet then it really became unbearably irritating after a point.

So finally we have a movie wherein after watching umpteen Hindi Movies so that nothing in a movie is ever suspense Love Aaj Kal
has just that one moment of suspense and I am revealing it .
Saif asks Deepika ok so what is you status - so coolly- as if its like a facebook or Orkut Status.
So does she at the last minute chicken out of marriage to the other guy rahul Khanna ?
Oh no she does it better.Now I know why Imtiaz Ali chose Deepika the dumping queen .(YuvRaaj must be thanking his stars)

She gets married and next day when her husband is scanning through the honeymoon vouchers she gets her realization and the best thing is the cool way she says. "I have to talk to Jai now and if I feel he is the right person, I will say sorry to you later for all this" to her husband.
Now that it pathbreaking truly in Bollywood.

But apart from such stuff the movie is absolute new gen stuff and is likable though I'd say it could have been oh so better.

Jab We Met was such a simple common story which is like aired every week these days on TV and yet it has a timeless sweetness.I have seen Socha na Tha partly and that too is much sweeter.

Love Aaj Kal is not sweet, its kind of as practical as the lead characters , though the 60's track love story looks sweet enough , you know its just rose tinted . The not so sweet story unfortunately is more true.There were a few couples who really danced at the theater at the end at Aahun Aahun. They kinda seemed cuter then many parts in the movie.

So while its a no no for puritans its quite fine for a watch.More so for the songs which Ive kinda taken to .
I just love the Chorbazaari number - its like ages since Ive listened to a song for over 3 days in a loop.

Things are bad enough at home and work ,
I got another of those classic emails about latecoming from my manager(the reason as usual though unlike from previous managers was cho chweet, "I dont want my people being tagged as habitual latecomers") but Ive since long given up and can laugh
and hum
"Dekh ke mujhko hasta gaata sad gayi ye duniya sad gayi"

=================================================================================

Now a few lines on those disasters

- Kambhakt Ishq, Why oh why i went to the theater. The loudness the crassness and I dont know it felt terrible and since
thats a hit , you know why you hate most people around yourself and at time oneself too.

-Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

It ruins a perfect story perfectly. I mean I still recall how much I was thrilled and in suspense when i read this book
and posted this post on it.
This movie kind of is like a art movie, into which they put unnecsarry puppy love which in itself if done would have
been enjoyable. But its a joke and a waste of time.
I had hoped for some better stuff in the last part where they go to the cave to get the ring . That too was not thrilling enough.
Dumbledore death is like so hopelessly done that you do not even get it.Only nice thing was Malfoy's character seemed better empathised and presented on screen, like its internal confusion etc.
The horcruxes are not explained and they leave the whole thing about Voldemort's past which I thought was quite important and presentable on screen.I pity the people who never read the books and only watch the movies.

Scattered Thoughts

Been wanting to write since long but somehow things just dont work out. I was just looking up 2008 and I wrote like 3 posts a month. 2009
seems to be starting off worse. It not the numbers , its just that so much is there and yet so much seems the same and so much seems
worthless to key in.

There’s a virtual disconnect with people most of the time. There is work and yet no work which leaves you satisfied about something useful
created however trivial(Thing is my temperament seems to need that ). Seems like just catering to the whims of one and all out there.Have been
trying very hard to be harmonius in a work environment where things seem to be extremely sour beneath the surface.Though we do the usual
smiling routines the vibes are worse than when there used to be open fights in my previous office.
I am like a neutral point because I’ve become immune to much stuff and am unambitious enough to care to take offense.

I am not keen on moving much from this company now (ok flexi timings and easy work culture is a great turn on) but seems like I
will have to later if not sooner - if nothing else finances may force it.
Things are the usual pain at home, but the change that will occur this year with Dad retiring and coming back home is quite a challenge in itself.

My own hurts within seems to have numbed in life - having given up on most stupid ideologies. I hardly seem to be bothered about much except health and wealth which still constitute worries.
What still bothers me is the pain I see around me-( oh no not I’m not that great now to talk about our worlds’s poverty and the heartless
villians). It just everyday people like me. I still see how we hurt each other , sometimes knowingly , sometimes wantingly and many a time
with no reason whatsoever on the surface and I still get disturbed by it.

Circumstances make us be friendly with people we despise and cold shoulder people you care for, so many times.
And I see how warm people turn heartless with circumstances and it makes you feel all the more cynical.

A girl asked me about the scope of a job position in R&D in a electronics company and I said I dont know much , it all depends on so many things.

But what I wanted to say was that , we’ve entered the era of Insecurities.
No job , No life , No relation is secure, If one can depend on anything (to an extent that too) - its just oneself.
Everything in the world seems so fragile and evanescent.

I had so many things on my mind all through the last month and yet I’ve lost the ability to put them coherently somehow.
Reminded me again of Evening Solace.
Poetry is sometimes such a solace compared to a story which means a world at times.

The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason. - T.S. Eliot

It been hard resisting that temptation.
Its so very easy for me to do that right thing - like say be nice to people for they are nice to you.
I am naturally polite most of the time and can behave like quite a soft spoken person but to behave like that with people , for issues I do not believe in or I am not convinced about is being hard on me.

Happenings last week seem quite very simple on the surface but there is a feeling they will resonate in my head for quite sometime.
It was such a beautiful day today at home i felt somehow since the morning that i did not feel like writing much about the dismal things that are around me.The day almost made me feel somewhere some good thing had happened. May be i woke up with some nice dream subconsciously, nothing else explained it. I felt so fine that i did nothing much except stare through my window onto the sunlight beaming all around.Its only after nightfall that I manage to write somehow.

Its quite easy being rude and cut people out its said but its really tough I feel esp for me if you are not convinced that these people have no ill will towards me.It makes me feel queasy after i behave the way i do.

After ranting so much against my team mates in quite some previous posts due to their opinions and thinking , when i think it over charitably i feel a bit bad , simply because none of this whole charade is regarding me in particular.
I somehow end up in situations where people at least outwardly are rather nice to me. Too nice for my comfort frankly.

The hardest part of life right now is having a too sweet and a bit too friendly absolutely unmoved by stuff kind of manager is - you dont know whom to really get at at times.
The culture in this wonderful place is where nothing seems urgent or planned explicitly reminds me of that quote
"Take your life into your hands , and what happens? No one to blame".

I try to maintain my distance and try coming across as extremely ill mannered but ah i am quite disturbed with all this.
Like this incident when both of them invited me over to check out the houses they bought recently as they were going there and it was on the way for them to drop me at home.
I made the most pathetic excuses , to the extent of saying they should not even look forward to a cup of Tea I am such a bad host in general, but neverthless when i did ask them they just had a glass of water, but the thing is I feel bad being so unkind to people who for whatever reason are decent to me.
I just do it with some nice self deprecating wit but still I dont like being that unhospitable.The issue is honestly its not a comfortable thought to think of fighting/arguing with a manager and team members who visit your home. That kind of status quo spoils things.It is actually being quite a learning curve for me.

It is quite an experience shifting from a services organization to a product based organization.
You miss the buzz and happenings and expectations that are part of being in any services software or otherwise.
Appreciations from the clients, the expectations (most common being the onsite stuff), the particularity of things, the careful drafting and revising of emails repeatedly befor hitting a send.
These are the very things you hated then and I stll remind myself of that instead of calling them sweet memories.
Here where i am its a perfect place for the innovators i guess OR the world weary - cool atmosphere , not much nonsense about etiquette and relaxed attitudes which only get disturbed on news of firings for cost cuttings.
And here I am complaining I have nothing to look forward to.
I complained about the extreme pace of things then and now i fret at the lethargy of things around me because i have seen things moving faster in every sense.
Why is quite such a big thing to have the balanced best of both worlds i quip….

Then there was another drama which left me all the more unsettled.
Some of my mother's close but far off cousin sister turned up with her family.She's a government servant , with a husband who is a lecturer in a small town. Belonging to the educated but traditional kind of family they started the same charade that everyone does , but in a more polished and kinder way than say the more rustic relatives.

They see me after what some 20+ years and express their deep affection and keen desire to see me well settled and try talking as they say some sense into my head. I try every trick in my book dissapearing to the balcony , picking up a book and keeping silent saying that i hardly am much of a speaker.

But the lady seemed quite intent on forcing a rountable conversation , with her hubby my mom and sis included and would stop at none.
She thought I should stop at reading books, enough books by now. I have a job too , so thats enough.

Anyways the conversation veered off in all directions of my expectations , their experiences etc etc, with the lecturer ending up asking me , how much do i earn - a question i deliberately did not answer but was forced to quote a figure in a way only Indian relatives can.
In fact the man joked it off saying "Tell me - lets see how much i have earned after putting in all these years of service and how much you people earn.What is that you people do to get paid such. All these stress strain things that people talk on these days."

My essential problem is unlike others is with age i become more passionate when talking about what i believe in and have lost the patience that i seemed to have so easily as a child.I started pretty reluctantly due to this but when they seemed to be so insistent i gave them a piece of my mind.
"Its pretty simple. You as a lecturer can take classes of any quality as you like that is if kids attend firstly and get away with it, not something you can really do in our case and so on as easily.
For you what you have learnt in college is the end , here you just have to keep unlearning and relearning."

The fact is there are so many misconceptions in half the people outside software about software industry.They just know software engineers = good money earning and scope and US chances.There is one set who thinks they are overpaid for jobs that even Xth standard people can do and the other half thinks just the opposite . I almost feel like cracking a bad joke that well because a highly educated person supresses his capabilities and does a Xth standard job he ought to be paid more.

"Whatever happens no one employed now will lose jobs for next 20 years " says this man and I tried to enlighten him about my friends who were given pink slips with 2 hrs of notice period.That the real money is hardly earned by an average software engineer but by businesses which were built to cater to them.That half of the rich lifestyle this set of people put on is debt money in the shape of plastic cards.

Its really easy to snap such people out of your life i think and then realise , but for my family or may be my job i would never associate with such.
And as this continued , I was told that my expectations were all wrong I tried to make some fair arguments and my sister chipped in with some but for them all that i could talk of were trivial.

As per them
Finances should not be an issue(This from a person who in the previous conversation had said he never joined any of the universities as a professor because , it only means research and career growth and I want financial growth too for my family hence i stayed on as a college lecturer- which i though was a very honest decent answer.)
Lifestyle should not be an issue.
Differences in upbringing are not an issue.
Looks must never be an issue

Survival is the the word they spoke of (though i guess social conformity was what they meant at heart and should have been spelled it such ) and then I really was worked up to a point that i was forced to be blunt that I survive decently if not well and any so called compromise of settling down should improve my quality of life rather than doing the opposite.

The conversation finally was ended up with a cheery smile that we both sisters spoke too well and know almost every line of argument, but you know from those polite faces that these things have resonances in people heads, like how the generation has changed, how the world is going to become and what not.

The thing is they were not bad people or one of those scheming / sermonizing relatives everyone has their share of - but they just belong to a world I want to escape from.
They cannot see beyond what they are in ,as they find it safer and comfortable in there and I do not like what they show me from their perspective.I never like being so heartless to such people but I guess that seems to be destiny.

Anyway life goes on and at this point in life with over thirty years of being a nuisance in the
universe i can only quote from somewhere

"The years are forest paths
Where I've lost my way
Not even a sun-ray
To guide my wandering… "

The best thing though in this rather unsettling week was my reading "India Unbound" by Gurucharan Das.
What a fine book , nothing earth shattering and yet so effective in presenting the country's journey from pre independence and its dilemmas to this age and i will write a seperate post on it. Its core may be set about the economic ideologies that have changed but its touches a whole lot more splendidly.

P.S: this was a old post i somehow missed hitting publish

My Daily Life of Morosity

There are calms before storms. I am not sure what storm awaits me but this is a depressing and extremely bad calm phase i am stuck in.
I have become irritated thinking about it, blogging about it and yet I have to live it through everyday.

Now i understand why Katherine Hepburn said "Enemies are so stimulating" and here i am stuck among a place i cant even make enemies.
This phase i fear is pulling me into being a hypocrite .
After all these years of  getting over my reluctance to interact much with people esp strangers, I am again at a point when i have started despising people.Well at least the ones that I get stuck with. And the way i act and suffer this I despise myself too.

The problem is this is my job , my sustenance. There are just five of us i deal with at work.
One is a technical lead and except in team meetings he can be ignored, one is a fresher with the cool attitude that since anyways you've gotta work a lifetime why bother so early getting into this mess and they have their gang to hang out which is just fine.

One is a manager and however cool they act its always the management and I am quite wary of that and I have yet not been proved wrong.
Thus remain two people. One is "Me" the morose serious argumentative and the other chap is the sugary , laughter packed  all knowing guiding angel to the new freshers.

I do not care who hogs the limelight and I have my share in different areas . Neither do i care how wonderfully they build social networks.In four months in this new company I know fourteen people may be in the company maximum and he knows a hundred may be.

How they bond so soon Such wonderfully or superficially I never get  and I frankly think thats great as thats how businesses work in the end.Only fault the few people see in him is may be his overt argumentativeness regarding the work which is pretty OK.

The problem is this is where I spend three fourths of my day and I share the cubicle with these.

Fair enough so what I do is come late and spend continuos hours at my desk finish my work and leave. No coffee breaks / no walks nothing. Those days are gone poor lady I tell myself.There are days when i have my lunch at desk to avoid them.This when they take so much care to include me being a lone teammate.
How cruel am I ?

Strange no one here would question if i dont show up for hours together and yet I am at my desk always and at my previous place it was vice versa.

This is why it was said in that wonderful book Shantaram "If fate does not make you laugh you just dont get the joke"

I can take being alone as I am someone who likes solitude.

It is the 1 minute conversations that punctuate my solitary life in my
office that irritate the hell out of me.

I might have brought this upon myself in ways and deeds unknown who knows.
I got friendly with probably just one woman named R here in this multitude, may be because she is the one who talks the most to strangers.
She gets people to talk and then gives advice which again is a common livable problem.
The reason is you can ignore it though when i keep saying hmm hmm to lot of stuff i dont beleive in I know this is my descent into hypocrisy.

The following is a very harsh description of someone who is known as the funny lovable guy who even in long US stint in his previous organization was loved by one and all as per him.

But I dont enjoy having him as a teammate such because while I myself can carry on quite a few superficial conversations when circumstances need, I never respect or like people who talk on and on for the heck of it and never stick to what they say and then when you start a decent
argument hide it in humor  and say things like
"I may say whatever just for fun but think twenty times before doing something"

But he happens to be my only co worker and hence I cant really put up the perfect go to hell kind of attitude.
The lady R from a different team is also quite talkative so she considers this chap one of those dil ka saaf nice guys and he is like meri didi didi types.

Understandable both people from a similar region(Cant avoid this in India).

Their views and worse me being the quiet participant with hmm hmm are playing havoc on my peace of mind.
Some conversations:

R: Oh that friend of mine , she is a tamilian
He: They are quite kanjoos na
R: No why , she always keeps getting stuff for me and is very nice
He: Oh then she must be nice
R: One should not say like this about everyone
He: why in my college down south the lecturer said in front of everyone, I hate Biharis and I stood up and asked why what is your problem and

he said you are an exception.
R: Well thats why they are driving them out in Mumbai
Me: Well its always like that one or two people spoil the name of a whole set.
He: True

The point here is this chap has no viewpoint or if he does he does not exactlt speak that. If you argue a bit he will hide behind that
facade Ok we all northies esp Biharis are bad Fine Ok.
Its such irritating though no one raises that point he brings it up.
=========================================

Now notice the heartfelt concern he has for people here and i am so cold blooded.

He: Yamini I am so upset what kind of place we have gotten into. here everyone is scared that if our
project succeeds they all may be jobless. It seems they feel only the Top performers will be kept and rest downsized.

Me:Well why are you bothered no one can help people who want to live taking this job as some government secure job.
And you and I have worked in service companies with much stringent work culture and if it comes to that for us we
can take it. So why worry?

He:    No I feel very bad this whole rating business you know like rating one person above the other,
to tell one person that you should be like him, he is good , you are incompetent is so bad.

Me:Well like it or not Bell curve kind of rating is a norm in all leading companies. If these people hoped that by default of an acquisition they had a secure job in a big company, its sad.

This conv was continued…as below

R: I do not like Ramji among gods and she goes on about his treatment of sita.Useless fellow leaves a expecting lady in forest.

Me; Same here I too dislike(though I am agnostic , I discuss Gods quite well and am not averse to the chat in general)

He: Well thats because you dont understand. Ram Bhagwan and even sita maiyya knew the happening even before it happened.
He did it for Rajhith (Good of the country) and because that was the vidhi(process or rather as prescribed socially).

R: Ah caught you , now this firing or rating too is exactly that for company hith(good). So why you complain.

He:Ab aap bhi naa(You are too much)

======================================

He: Ha ha you know what my resolution is? (Bubbling with enthu like a kid)
Me: Whatever
He: I wont drink tea.It has nicotine. I will eat only sattvic food(ya thats a new buzzword for chaps
like these who've had their fill of non  veg in the US and all over. Damn I've been a veggie by choice all my life and yet never complain a

word about non vegans or potray being a veggie as sattvic)

As i type this blog i remember i should have spoken about Hitlers's sattvic food.

========================================

Some talk about marriage came up.
R: Guys parents have so much attitude and blah blah(theirs is a UP family so its that standard fare of dowry and ladki wale dar ke rehte types)
He: Aaj kal aisa kya hai , kuch nahi
R: Kuch nahi badla ladkiyon ke liye its the same still when it comes to ,marriage and guys have some much attitude
He: Haan to ladkiyon ka nahi hotha kya.(Dont girls have an attitude or what) Vo mera interview leti hai("How dare she take my interview" referring to some marraige proposal of a gal i guess who
must 've hurt the guys ego badly )

and so it goes on….

I almost had the Joker's plasticated smile during this conversation and yet was so very irritated

Me: I will be on leave 2 days
He: Why
Me: I am going to abcd
He: That only takes 1 day
me; you are not my manager why you ask so many questions
He: why friends should not ask hmm
Me; Well if you were a friend you would ask why 2 days take 4 days
Guy; You know a true friend is not some one who agrees or goes by you all the time but question you.

Damn the banter. How i hate myself

Then finally this week I had the question I was expecting from my manager since the day I joined
"So no plans of marrying in near future".
This is exactly why I dislike getting friendly\lunching with managers.

People are so irritating predictable.

Most of the above is done in quite amusing chatter but such an everyday life is being tortorous to me.
I have  to move out .
In every other aspect it seems like a calm relaxing job , I walk in at 11 no one questions, if I leave early not much questions asked.
In the end you know whatever you do the maximum difference it will make on you pay slip is at the maximum some 4-5k.
promotions are not my great inspiration and here they come with years piling up and I am partly incapable and partly uninterested of those

googled up and innovative mixed up white papers to get brownie points.
But just for these few comforts how much of this environment I can take and if not here what next.There's no gurantee that I will
end up with different people if I move again. Its a bloody small world in so many ways.

I cant even think of what to blog , such pitiful I have become and the posts in the last few months are quite reflective of this pathetic

state.Not that I loved all the people in the past,( I just lack that loving disposition and am too old to change i guess) but yeah some people were nice enough to distract me from bothering about the others.

An Irritant Conversation

Lot of People get on my nerves most of the time , and as much as i try to live with it internally i start feeling crappy to put up with such.
Yet I guess I have something irritatingly  wrong about me or the way I express myself that i get surrounded or form acquaintance with just the same kind.

=======================================
lh: so wats up

1:06 PM me: nothing monday is v tiresome
  hate to come to office
  as usual
   
1:13 PM lh: why u hate coming to office

1:14 PM we get an oppurtunity to work thats really gud thing

1:15 PM me: oh well

lh: remember the day when u strugle for job

 me: its not the job
 i hate

lh: work comes out of job

me: anyways i guess our philosophies are diff

lh: its not philosophy

1:17 PM i think u donno the exact meaning of philosophy

 me: may b

lh: its some thing like being practicle
  all time not to expect to have gud work to do
1:18 PM many a times people may not get the work which they are intrested

=============================================================
This is  a conversation with a chap I never met but simply came to know online
because he was a friends friend and had put in a referral at one of the organization i had gone to while looking for a
job change. Since then i get a casual hi  and hello on chat and I invariably respond with casual banter for the sake of not
being mean.
But when they start lecturing you it gets to you.
This is the reason i never ask of people even little things(in fact little things esp ) , I just hate it when they do these
things as a favor and then consciously or unconsciously expect you to be grateful .


Now if this person was really open about discussing philosophies or stuff ideally
, and I  believed he was some one you could have a serious debate with  i could have finished off the thing using the very same arguments advanced here. I mean if i am being lectured about the sanctity of work I just can throw it in his face what the
heck are you doing buzzing me when you can work , and let me work too.

And just because I was jobless once is no reason for me to feel ultra grateful about any organization/ person who
gives me a job. It was not a favor. I earned it all by myself  convincing i could be useful and they will not hesitate to throw me out if I am not useful. This whole attitude of being servilient when preached irritates me.

 I know it feels good to act like the know it all and lecture about philosophy but it is when i hear such stuff from  people i have not much opinion of , I kind of  get hugely pissed off.

Then again its also in the way its said i guess. I mean that patronizing tone as if you are oh so mature and you are teaching kids about life and philosophy.

or May be its my problem that I project such foolishness and stupidity?
or May be as usual I am too sensitive about any criticism of such kind .( On a quick think no i am clear here - it isn't criticism I dislike , it is criticism from people i do not believe have a standing to criticize me)
In fact it is what reminds me of that telling line from a classic book (beyond me why its a classic ,I did  not get it honestly  .)
Its a line I remind myself always since i myself have a tendency to be critical.

"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

P.S: I am horribly nitpicking at spellingmistakes...even in such a irritating mood I see the spelling mistakes in that conversation. Even when I relook at my previous posts and i see typos they pinch me. Donno why i see them. May be I should have been a proof reader in my previous birth .

As i Enjoyed Jaane Tu ya Jaane Na

This is what you do when everything in life is horrid and you feel doomed....Escape
and what better place than Bollywood.


It somehow seemed so long since we had a pure college romance in Bollywood after Kuch Kuch Hota hai. There was Dil Chahta hai

but it wasn't standard bollywood fare.In fact even KKHH is not standard Bollywood stuff. The last i can remember was Jo Jeeta

Wohi Sikander in school and those were heady days of college romance for Bollywood , till Shahrukh and Aditya Chopra roped in the family romances.

So it was with that thought that i walked in into Jaane Tu ya Jaane na.The best part is there's absolutely no curiosity about the story and yet you go to watch it to see it in a different view.
As long as you watch the movie its good fun.
You like the simple characters , and esp the banter all around .Naseer and Ratna pathak are great joy throughout.Genelia's

pretty as ever and thr group has enough bonhomie.
Smita patils's son acts pretty fine but he might be cast into villianous stuff in mainstram cinema due to his looks which would be a pity.
No foreign locations no designer looks just the lyrics and the actors and yet it makes you like the movie. But the problem is there was something lacking . I am yet to put a finger on it but when you dont hold any experience of the movie once you are back on the street something must be missing.

Of course they irritated me for a second by screaming out one of my evergreen favorite songs "Tera mujhse hai pehle ka naata koi" (Oh those vividh bharti days)but thank god they did not make a alternate title track and ruin it.

There was something of a 70mm experience missing for me. Dont know if it was because its been a decade since i am out of college or because of my cynicism(I dont usually switch it on for Bollywood unless there's overacting or over sermonizing). A feel good movie , unless you do not think about watching it again invariably has missed out on something.Its far far better than anything we have on around currently but yet you remember times when you liked a movie and you wanted to watch it all over again and for a few minutes and sometimes a few hours after the movie is over you enjoy it in your mind.

For one the songs were not used well esp the picturization and the second half needed a song more.Bollywood is never and experience without its songs.

P.S:

Well for now whats on my mind is the trailer of Bachna Ae haseeno and its partly its song and partly the well crafted picturization of the sneak preview. Its been a sooo long since i bothered to relook a trailer.
What the movie will be or how it will be is not of interest its the awesome pure stupid aura it creates since you had that Kaho na pyaar hai, never found anything else as much to bother about.Ranbir Kapoor suits that song damn well and some of the shots i am sure will have the young girls quite swooning like we loved the shahrukh scenes in DDLJ where he waves to Kajol and all and
my sister and her friends even have postcards. Oh those days.....sigh.
Of course its the song...Hmm RDBurman Rocks any day.
For all of Rehman's raving fans i can just say well that is a classic.
Aditi song is good lovely but people have a tendency as i said before to use great too easily. One needs to get the difference.

And even if its the other way around using Mark twain's words i can say Rehman may be exotic wine but our old songs are water and fortunately everybody drinks water.
Even if its a remix, Ive never been able to get it off my lips for a week and its stupid of
the filmmakers to release the second slow song when the first one seems to keep the thing so awesome.

Becoming Rude

On hindsight i think for a person who's quite shy with new people i am very rude too .
But as much as i try to be patient if not nice,  its tough for me to be  saccharine.
It occured today too , in fact it seems like this whole week was the same in a way.
The problem stems from my inability to be diplomatic where i and my beliefs are strongly involved and my absolute lack of self control  over my facial expressions when angry.

There's A in my team who too joined almost at the same time as me. The guy used to be some sort of a technical manager onsite and now we are all back to working rather than managing. As much as i try to be quiet and let things pass it becomes a tedious life .

Unlike others , esp chirpy young girls who usually get awed by a US returned or talk of US i do not and rather  get bored hearing of the rides there, of the food there and all the trappings. In fact i just have the same old problem of never being over eager to know about  what your colleague was upto  or is daily upto except may be the work (If i consider the person a friend or truly look up to them its different, i love to hear all but such people are far and few)  .Thing is thats all the chap talks about apart from work - how much US people liked him , how good it was there
 and how much fun he had.
Such  conversation is pretty straining to me even though i personally agree with the universal notion that he is a simpleton and too sweet spoken .
Problem is i it gets to me that….. being sugary though you arent as happy or amused really.

Even talk about  work ends abruptly like this because our attitudes are different. He asks questions about something i ve worked on and expects one to have a one shot answer and i am a person who likes to search analyze and answer since i have a severe shortage of memory in my head,
 i do not and cannot rattle off Java methods. I rather happily look into the API and am very  quick to underastand it use it and forget it.
All i remember is the keyword and that its there in the API.

I try and i try to be helpful(after all you dont want to be at loggerheads with your only team mate considering the third chap in the team struts as a senior ) despite some irritating acting smart questions, cant see why cant he google them up if he's so dissastisfied but i have my limitations.
In such a scenario when you raise  points about what i beleive in strongly  i do dish it out scathingly.

A: (In Jest …thats how it starts)You come in so late , do you think if you were in your prev comp it would have been fine

Me: I was the same there too and they tolerated me because when they raised the point i ensured that i come at 9:30 and leave at 6:30 which ended up being a loss to them.
 You walkin and play TT for 2 hrs and i just walkin a hour late. Whats the use of being in office to count hours .

A: Its not the same .you see i believe all must come at 9:30 because when themanager is in all the people should be around and one must stay
till the work is complete(of course thing being his managing hangover). If i was themanager i would never tolerate people coming at 10:30 or 11.

Me: If you were the manager i would never join your project.

A: Hmm well yeah that is a different thing

Me: You count  hours present and not amount of work. Well that does not cut with me . I will not stay in such a place  where they count hours spent  and not work done. I will come at 9:30 and stay till 9 , and yet wont do much is that ok with you? ( I delivered it in such a scathing tone that reflected my prime irritation with such ideologies )

A: Hmm see thats not the thing. chalo chodo. (Poor guy this is what happens when you have only one gal in the team and she is so scathing and upfront instead of being the nice oh so amazed…tell me i will learn kind of thing).

He turned back to work at his laptop and did not talk for nearly 2 hrs and i felt remorse at expressing my beliefs so clearly esp since the chap is a jolly kind of fellow
 and every one likes him a lot.But my patience was used up a lot when i was young and here i am old and impatient and i cannot humor people much.

The other incident was like a comedy of errors straight out of Shakespeare.
I have been particulary upset at my work environment due to various reasons particulary lack of clarity and decision making .
In one such a time i happened to be in a classroom where my manager uttered "May be it was my fault or may be it was yamini's fault" in a very confusing context.
This triggered off all my pent up frustration in this place and i stormed out of the room requesting a one on one.Everyone almost thought i would hand in my papers i looked so upset.
 Of course after i vented how and why was i dragged into a mess i hardly am related to i was calmly clarified by the manager that he was referring to another yamini  - the one who arranged the things.

Now for once i am sorry, though i was glad to have put my all other thoughts clearly in the meeting  that i am fed up with lack of clarity , but then in an innovative environment clarity is always lacking or so it seems i am told.
Huh well so be it.
Life's being unkind all over again since last year can't help it.

Since friends are sparse , rather than cram life with just people
I long for some solitude .
I want time , some work just by myself , collaboration can wait.

Watched becoming Jane



Jane Austen was the flavor of the fortnight i guess for me.

Watched the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice again.

When it was released I happened to watch it by a happy last minute instinct which in itself shaped events of my professional life.I an V were then in a small seperate subset of our team and we used to really enjoy work . We all wrapped up work very fast as she was quite adept by then of that work and so we left by say at 3pm one fine day and watched this movie. This happened at a time when the rest of the team was kept extremely busy with their streched out days of work. Someone surely was upset by our having fun and made a complain which ended up the team size being decreased and i being moved out of it in the name of
additional responsibilities of importance.That move affected my resume for sure.

Anyways I do not enjoy this newer version of "Pride and Prejudice" as much.Its fine for just one watch. The BBC series is way too good .Keira Knightly gets on your nerves at times with her giggly smiles at times.The Elizabeth in the BBCseries was not as pretty but she grew onto you.
As for Darcy well no one can match Colin Firth at it.

Then i watched "Becoming Jane" a take on the young Jane's rumored affair with Tom Lefroy.Anne Hathway is extremely pretty and i liked her much better than in the eminently watchable "Devil wears Prada" .
The essential thing about such such stories is that they are so very same at the core - from those near victorian times to these so called modern times.

The ponderable quote from movie itself was from Jane's father
"Nothing destroys spirit like poverty."

Well in the end its a nice take and what makes such things special is they are puzzles never to be solved and anyone can take whatever take they want on it.
The truth's well beyond the reach.
Austen might be credited with being the real inventor of chick lit but the fact remains her characters have survived generations and hundreds of years effortlessly capturing the readers heart.
Whether she wrote of experience or imagination,
whether her relationship was a boyish love as somewhere attributed to Lefroy or a firm lasting affection
is a open debate to spice up our boring lives with.
But i like the fact that for all her ironies she gave her books mostly a happy ending implying a sort of spiritedness a sort of belief despite being cynical at the exterior.

As they say "The best love affairs are those we never had."

Pathetic overhearings

Pre Scene happenings:
Tall modern new women manager joins office
Single young fresher wins awards for taking initiatives and innovative ideas

Conversation overheard at Lunch:

W1: I cannot spend that extra time for all this appreciations.
W2: Hmm now they reward people for spending extra time at office
W3: Yes for all that you need to put in more time and we cannot because we have responsibilities
W1: Yes we too if we had remained single could have been like that.
W2: Been like what?
W1:Huh That lady manager
W3: Why do you say that..She has a 13 yr old son
W1: Oh well then (took a second to get over the wrong hypothesis ), well i guess its all about what priorities are.(Meaning she has family as priority so she is stuck here while that lady does not prioritize family like her so she has advanced in career)

Life sucks here….big time.So much hypocrisy.
Damn if you have taken the responsibility be proud of it, of your great sacrifice for the greater good…
why use it as a reason for someone's success and your not being able to match them.
Its there everywhere, i knew it early, so did never have much hopes
but here the acid seems to be concentrated way too much even for my pessimism.

My work too seems to be at a dead end.I feel despair beyond my usual self in this place.
Something ought to happen….even if it is bad…i want to be out of this rut.

Random Notes …again

 

 

I thought i write something better or not write at all than this daily soap opera but then its funny to look back a year later on i hope and so i jotted them down  these stupid notes on my stupid times.

Casual conversations often have some deep undercurrents running and since i am someone who really ponders over words i sense them quite strongly. These thoughts sometimes dont do me much good in general but well i never really have been able to gain that control on the mind's ventures all over the universe.

I am in the most ill suited environment in recent times because it simply adds on to my inbuilt irritation, sarcasm

and depression. Firstly i feel terrible at not doing anything useful in my eyes at all in the past two months. No one bothers much on that but no one does that usually till it comes to the brink anyway.

And then this new team i am the juniormost in terms of experience , and  its getting on my nerves .
First there's a guy say "A" quite bubbly from the Hindi heartland and spending the last couple of years in US . The issue here is i am not chummy kind or young enough to laugh all the time on his jokes and be awed by his narration of US or anywhere for that matter.
Poor people do i hurt them or what.
I mean i am really thrifty with praise . I can be very polite to rudeness  and thus seem nice etc
 but false bubbling praise is something hard to come by me.
 When "A" uploaded his snaps on the intranet i was asked how is it  and i responded yeah good but never thought that such questions deserve applaud and all.
Next day i saw my managers(say S) snap (which looked like a eager child's rather than a time weary managers)

and asked when was  this taken and i was answered 2 years back and i just replied  "oh ok".
 Then "S" asked "come on say something it was good bad or whatever" and i was like - "Oh hell why do i ever talk".
Then this guy "A" added up "She is like this only . yesterday also i asked her about my snap she wont say i.e praise anything". I was perplexed even more - everyone makes notes.
A and all here play TT like maniacs and i am not someone into the games stuff at all. I sit at my desk and time flies by. Its been long since i sat nice and quiet at my desk.
I really do not fit in.
Till here its bearable but the third person sort of makes it a perfect mess.
This guy say "N"comes from over +/- 7 years in the States . May be thats why he thinks of India being stuck in the last millenium or whatever in terms of attitude.
Me and "A' are never comfortable really with this guy who may end up as the technical lead(though his expertise as they say is not of what we are working on he brings in huge generic experience — tools can be learnt..yeah true!!! –but while they learn what happens to those who know them is a different plight) .
Anyways the pure professional stuff is beside the point and issues are always sortable with time.
 I was shocked at the vehemance i heard in his voice that i did not know if to laugh or get serious.."A " and others were casually teasing me about my tiffin and said she wont eat anything that she did not cook. Now i am someone who happily proclaims  cooking is my least favorite activity of all time and i dont do it 90% of the time.
For a chap who speaks after quite some thought "N" spoke "I dont think so …Does she cook?".
"A" persisted "do you know how to make jalebi ", and N was like "She cant cook food and you talk of jalebi".

This to me would be nothing to me, all my dear friends tease me , my mom hates me on this topic eternally.
But when a person who is a virtual stranger to you talks with such  sarcasm on  such a light subject you wonder what is the whole undercurrent all about. It cant be my cooking really.

 Its about how you are perceived and what mental set up they carry in their head  and its now upto me how do i do the whole damned team work here.
That is what it is.
I just dont fit in neither for myself nor in their scheme of things .
For some Like "N" who gets paid double my salary and always hobnobs with the right senior management and yet not having a free hand and esp being given complete authority within the team i.e me and "A" is an issue which is his challenge.
As of now in every team discussion we end the lines with "Right" so much "Right N?", "Right A?","Right Yamini?" that its quite sure so much is so very "Wrong".

Random Notes

I seem to have no specific work and yet have been busier than ever before.
This is the problem i guess when work involves research (oh not in that hallowed sense but more like searching about ways to do stuff which you know exist and have no one to guide you where and when and in a scenario where google is slightly limited). Ive been tired by the whole trial and error scenarios i am doing. May be service companies are best suited for people like me  however stressful they may seem.
Life catches up with you seriously.
How easier life is when you have a manager to blame . Here now i have a manager who's new to the domain and who's so damn cool (he's too soft with people too and this isnt really great from a different perspective but later on about that) about things that it gets on your nerves.
Its a small team and we do wish we can do something tangible, to help him have something to project in his ppts.Poor fella he seems to work more than any of us in the team….endless streams of meetings and answering people and making ppts , while we seem to be stagnant at our desks doing this research with no output.

Three years ago i avoided everyday lunch with my manager by all means as it meant it took away that one peaceful hour of our lives and we had our own gang of girls and however much she tried to force us to join we just escaped.And now i just trod along with our team and the manager, just the four of us simply because it seems a better alternative than have lunch with women
discussing house maids and motherin laws everyday with no respite..

I seem to be the only local in  the team never been abroad , all  the others are back from a considerable time in US and that in itself creates a vaccumm in conversation never mind the different stages of career and lives we are at.

Its been quite a while since ive been this bored with no one to talk to,
no one to make me laugh just for the sheer heck of it ,
 without people who did not change my life in any way except that they made me forget the mess of my life.
Whenever i am stuck like this i go into that life is wortheless thinking mode.
Then again it is in such moments i realize the sheer fortune i've had to spend time with such lively people all around.
The summer is almost gone and rains seem to be coming over all over again. A year again seemed to have passed so soon.
Sometimes writing this blog seems very stupid now , considering the way the blog writing has become a joke all around among celebrities.

Fortnight of whiling away time at movies…..

The last month or more specifically the last fortnight i seem to have watched more movies than i ever do these days.

Yesterday caught up on Ajay Devgan's U Me aur Hum. Though i dont like to admit I liked some parts of the movie not the whole though. But i wont recommend it to anyone looking out for a relaxation or fun at the weekend.
The sad part may be that i like the tragic parts of the movie much more than the comic parts. The comedy was stupid and irritable. But whenever esp in the seconf half Ajay devgan gets into his guilty and cynical mode i liked him. I liked that frank acceptance that everybody likes oneself the most - the self defence part.
As one grows older hum bane tum bane ek duje ke liye seriously seems stupid and the way he enacts that feeling i really liked it. The best thing about the movie was definitely the bonhomie of friends in every scene(though Divya dutta surely makes loud scenes wherever present..when its just the three of the guys it seems pretty much how guys seem to hang out), its a welcome relief from saas bahu behen and maa at every hospital scene in Bollywood.

The real person needing appreciation for this movie is the marketing department. If they had let it out before that the script was related to Alzheimers i doubt even the first week would have had any collection. It was packaged through and through a Kajol romance and   its truly a Kajol movie whenever she's in the frame .But when she's not around the rest carry it through without being too sombre.

One mistake i did was watch this movie in a normal theater and not a multiplex where crowds are relatively quiet. If one needs to understand what Indian majority is like you just need to see them in dark theaters and the way they behave. I can get it when they laugh at crude joke or at the hero or whistle at the heroine but what is so funny about a baby drowning is beyond me as i listened to laughter at that scene.
So if one does want to see it better watch it where people keep quietly to themselves or at least act as such.

Other movie i watched is to be watched in a theater where you get the real Indian audience. shouting whistling screaming, throwing torn paper. Yeah the movie is made for it and is good for a  weekend watch without thinking much about it.
Race is one such movie which would get on your nerves if everyone around you was too quiet and thoughtful. You have to be sort of blind and the mind being nauseatingly immersed in watching the cool strutting heroes and sexy scheming heroines.The plot may be a mystery to some , to me though it was more a question of how than what?
"What" kind of suspense stories are rare in bollywood.
There are cars, there's the sizzling Bipasha and Katrina and the pouting Sameera. Then there's the cool Saif and Anilkapoor(Gosh he's just looking dashing these days and one can only laugh when one sees the old song one two ka four) There's Akshay Khanna too but thats hardly noteworthy.

Then I watched quite a few older ones of the past year i missed out on. Some like Dhol were fun  and some thoughtful like Halla Bol which i blogged previously about.
Some were like fine for the time being say Saawariya. I think Bhansali is just a child who likes to paint but got into movies. Saawariya you can say my expectation as a movie was so low that i ended up liking it if only for the look and feel. I mean i expected so much gloominess in that blue as i watched the trailers and heard the story that when i finally saw it i though Sonam's Kapoor's laughter and Rabir Kapoors childishness sort of seemed to make me feel as though i was watching some Hans Andersen fairy tale. There's nothing that remains though after you watch it except a blue haze.

Then i watched Namesake. Tabu's fascinating is the first thing that comes to mind and then the movie. Well the movie's good but it won't be the same without Tabu. The best part of it is though its less of a commercial movie it never drifts into the sullenness that some art movies do.It has a upbeat feel to it even when sad and Kal Penn is also enjoyable and considering its a diaspora movie i liked the honesty of it, the generation gap and the final acceptance of it once you are in US.

In India they will fight it but once you get to US a helplessness added to the loneliness i guess makes one accept the differences of generation much more ,though the hurts i guess linger on and that exactly i guess the NRI's suddenly become more religious and traditional than ever in that far land.

My favorite moment was when Tabu is asked by her husband (after being married for years and they return to India for a vacation )"why did you say yes to me" she says that because you were the better of what was on offer…and then laughs and says what did you expect me to say "I love you" as in America. Its a beautifully honest moment i felt.

Then I just watched two of my all time favorites again like My best friends wedding and Casablanca.Though i like Julia Roberts in general this movie is sort of more than her. I sort of love it a little bit more whenever i see it. I laugh at myself remembering that I was in college when it released and then there were no multiplexes and i watched this movie thrice(something i only did for Sharukh's yash/karan johar flicks).
I just liked Rupert Everett though i then did not know that even in real life the guy is not straight.His part is  really charming especially the whole sequence of talk in the end when he calls her up and gets her to dance at the wedding reception. Of course the music is very beautifully used in the movie  and even the hero (Dermot Mulroney )is nice and touching.
The best part inevitably has to be the conversation as its a given with any movie i really like esp with ones i watch again and again.

Casablanca i guess i've just blogged much about the movie but i love watching such movies again when its late night somehow. you sort of belong to a different world.

Notting Hill is another of those nice weekend watches that  keep you warm. I like the whole sequence about a bunch of non acheivers. It sort of reminds me of that one line that i used to think fits perfect for me."Who said nothing is impossible. Ive done nothing for years now"

 At times it does get a bit loud though but i enjoy Hugh Grant quite a lot there…esp the garden and the song. You say it best when you say nothing at all.

Not sure when i will catch up on the rest considering i have a new job to get used to from tommorow.

My friends ask me constantly hey you are at home for nearly a fortnight , aren't you bored . I seriously cant explain to them  that NO I am not. I'm just loving it. I'd have loved it more if i got to Travel but even without it honestly I am not bored.

Ive my books and there are blogs(which i keep to myself ) and then there's cinema once in a while and then there's sleep always. Ah to be lost to this world till the sun is right above your forehead. It'll be long before i get such a break (i.e to wake up by 11 am) and it just went by …hmmm.