There are calms before storms. I am not sure what storm awaits me but this is a depressing and extremely bad calm phase i am stuck in.
I have become irritated thinking about it, blogging about it and yet I have to live it through everyday.
Now i understand why Katherine Hepburn said "Enemies are so stimulating" and here i am stuck among a place i cant even make enemies.
This phase i fear is pulling me into being a hypocrite .
After all these years of getting over my reluctance to interact much with people esp strangers, I am again at a point when i have started despising people.Well at least the ones that I get stuck with. And the way i act and suffer this I despise myself too.
The problem is this is my job , my sustenance. There are just five of us i deal with at work.
One is a technical lead and except in team meetings he can be ignored, one is a fresher with the cool attitude that since anyways you've gotta work a lifetime why bother so early getting into this mess and they have their gang to hang out which is just fine.
One is a manager and however cool they act its always the management and I am quite wary of that and I have yet not been proved wrong.
Thus remain two people. One is "Me" the morose serious argumentative and the other chap is the sugary , laughter packed all knowing guiding angel to the new freshers.
I do not care who hogs the limelight and I have my share in different areas . Neither do i care how wonderfully they build social networks.In four months in this new company I know fourteen people may be in the company maximum and he knows a hundred may be.
How they bond so soon Such wonderfully or superficially I never get and I frankly think thats great as thats how businesses work in the end.Only fault the few people see in him is may be his overt argumentativeness regarding the work which is pretty OK.
The problem is this is where I spend three fourths of my day and I share the cubicle with these.
Fair enough so what I do is come late and spend continuos hours at my desk finish my work and leave. No coffee breaks / no walks nothing. Those days are gone poor lady I tell myself.There are days when i have my lunch at desk to avoid them.This when they take so much care to include me being a lone teammate.
How cruel am I ?
Strange no one here would question if i dont show up for hours together and yet I am at my desk always and at my previous place it was vice versa.
This is why it was said in that wonderful book Shantaram "If fate does not make you laugh you just dont get the joke"
I can take being alone as I am someone who likes solitude.
It is the 1 minute conversations that punctuate my solitary life in my
office that irritate the hell out of me.
I might have brought this upon myself in ways and deeds unknown who knows.
I got friendly with probably just one woman named R here in this multitude, may be because she is the one who talks the most to strangers.
She gets people to talk and then gives advice which again is a common livable problem.
The reason is you can ignore it though when i keep saying hmm hmm to lot of stuff i dont beleive in I know this is my descent into hypocrisy.
The following is a very harsh description of someone who is known as the funny lovable guy who even in long US stint in his previous organization was loved by one and all as per him.
But I dont enjoy having him as a teammate such because while I myself can carry on quite a few superficial conversations when circumstances need, I never respect or like people who talk on and on for the heck of it and never stick to what they say and then when you start a decent
argument hide it in humor and say things like
"I may say whatever just for fun but think twenty times before doing something"
But he happens to be my only co worker and hence I cant really put up the perfect go to hell kind of attitude.
The lady R from a different team is also quite talkative so she considers this chap one of those dil ka saaf nice guys and he is like meri didi didi types.
Understandable both people from a similar region(Cant avoid this in India).
Their views and worse me being the quiet participant with hmm hmm are playing havoc on my peace of mind.
Some conversations:
R: Oh that friend of mine , she is a tamilian
He: They are quite kanjoos na
R: No why , she always keeps getting stuff for me and is very nice
He: Oh then she must be nice
R: One should not say like this about everyone
He: why in my college down south the lecturer said in front of everyone, I hate Biharis and I stood up and asked why what is your problem and
he said you are an exception.
R: Well thats why they are driving them out in Mumbai
Me: Well its always like that one or two people spoil the name of a whole set.
He: True
The point here is this chap has no viewpoint or if he does he does not exactlt speak that. If you argue a bit he will hide behind that
facade Ok we all northies esp Biharis are bad Fine Ok.
Its such irritating though no one raises that point he brings it up.
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Now notice the heartfelt concern he has for people here and i am so cold blooded.
He: Yamini I am so upset what kind of place we have gotten into. here everyone is scared that if our
project succeeds they all may be jobless. It seems they feel only the Top performers will be kept and rest downsized.
Me:Well why are you bothered no one can help people who want to live taking this job as some government secure job.
And you and I have worked in service companies with much stringent work culture and if it comes to that for us we
can take it. So why worry?
He: No I feel very bad this whole rating business you know like rating one person above the other,
to tell one person that you should be like him, he is good , you are incompetent is so bad.
Me:Well like it or not Bell curve kind of rating is a norm in all leading companies. If these people hoped that by default of an acquisition they had a secure job in a big company, its sad.
This conv was continued…as below
R: I do not like Ramji among gods and she goes on about his treatment of sita.Useless fellow leaves a expecting lady in forest.
Me; Same here I too dislike(though I am agnostic , I discuss Gods quite well and am not averse to the chat in general)
He: Well thats because you dont understand. Ram Bhagwan and even sita maiyya knew the happening even before it happened.
He did it for Rajhith (Good of the country) and because that was the vidhi(process or rather as prescribed socially).
R: Ah caught you , now this firing or rating too is exactly that for company hith(good). So why you complain.
He:Ab aap bhi naa(You are too much)
======================================
He: Ha ha you know what my resolution is? (Bubbling with enthu like a kid)
Me: Whatever
He: I wont drink tea.It has nicotine. I will eat only sattvic food(ya thats a new buzzword for chaps
like these who've had their fill of non veg in the US and all over. Damn I've been a veggie by choice all my life and yet never complain a
word about non vegans or potray being a veggie as sattvic)
As i type this blog i remember i should have spoken about Hitlers's sattvic food.
========================================
Some talk about marriage came up.
R: Guys parents have so much attitude and blah blah(theirs is a UP family so its that standard fare of dowry and ladki wale dar ke rehte types)
He: Aaj kal aisa kya hai , kuch nahi
R: Kuch nahi badla ladkiyon ke liye its the same still when it comes to ,marriage and guys have some much attitude
He: Haan to ladkiyon ka nahi hotha kya.(Dont girls have an attitude or what) Vo mera interview leti hai("How dare she take my interview" referring to some marraige proposal of a gal i guess who
must 've hurt the guys ego badly )
and so it goes on….
I almost had the Joker's plasticated smile during this conversation and yet was so very irritated
Me: I will be on leave 2 days
He: Why
Me: I am going to abcd
He: That only takes 1 day
me; you are not my manager why you ask so many questions
He: why friends should not ask hmm
Me; Well if you were a friend you would ask why 2 days take 4 days
Guy; You know a true friend is not some one who agrees or goes by you all the time but question you.
Damn the banter. How i hate myself
Then finally this week I had the question I was expecting from my manager since the day I joined
"So no plans of marrying in near future".
This is exactly why I dislike getting friendly\lunching with managers.
People are so irritating predictable.
Most of the above is done in quite amusing chatter but such an everyday life is being tortorous to me.
I have to move out .
In every other aspect it seems like a calm relaxing job , I walk in at 11 no one questions, if I leave early not much questions asked.
In the end you know whatever you do the maximum difference it will make on you pay slip is at the maximum some 4-5k.
promotions are not my great inspiration and here they come with years piling up and I am partly incapable and partly uninterested of those
googled up and innovative mixed up white papers to get brownie points.
But just for these few comforts how much of this environment I can take and if not here what next.There's no gurantee that I will
end up with different people if I move again. Its a bloody small world in so many ways.
I cant even think of what to blog , such pitiful I have become and the posts in the last few months are quite reflective of this pathetic
state.Not that I loved all the people in the past,( I just lack that loving disposition and am too old to change i guess) but yeah some people were nice enough to distract me from bothering about the others.
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