Casual conversations often have some deep undercurrents running and since i am someone who really ponders over words i sense them quite strongly. These thoughts sometimes dont do me much good in general but well i never really have been able to gain that control on the mind's ventures all over the universe.
I am in the most ill suited environment in recent times because it simply adds on to my inbuilt irritation, sarcasm
and depression. Firstly i feel terrible at not doing anything useful in my eyes at all in the past two months. No one bothers much on that but no one does that usually till it comes to the brink anyway.
And then this new team i am the juniormost in terms of experience , and its getting on my nerves .
First there's a guy say "A" quite bubbly from the Hindi heartland and spending the last couple of years in US . The issue here is i am not chummy kind or young enough to laugh all the time on his jokes and be awed by his narration of US or anywhere for that matter.
Poor people do i hurt them or what.
I mean i am really thrifty with praise . I can be very polite to rudeness and thus seem nice etc
but false bubbling praise is something hard to come by me.
When "A" uploaded his snaps on the intranet i was asked how is it and i responded yeah good but never thought that such questions deserve applaud and all.
Next day i saw my managers(say S) snap (which looked like a eager child's rather than a time weary managers)
and asked when was this taken and i was answered 2 years back and i just replied "oh ok".
Then "S" asked "come on say something it was good bad or whatever" and i was like - "Oh hell why do i ever talk".
Then this guy "A" added up "She is like this only . yesterday also i asked her about my snap she wont say i.e praise anything". I was perplexed even more - everyone makes notes.
A and all here play TT like maniacs and i am not someone into the games stuff at all. I sit at my desk and time flies by. Its been long since i sat nice and quiet at my desk.
I really do not fit in.
Till here its bearable but the third person sort of makes it a perfect mess.
This guy say "N"comes from over +/- 7 years in the States . May be thats why he thinks of India being stuck in the last millenium or whatever in terms of attitude.
Me and "A' are never comfortable really with this guy who may end up as the technical lead(though his expertise as they say is not of what we are working on he brings in huge generic experience — tools can be learnt..yeah true!!! –but while they learn what happens to those who know them is a different plight) .
Anyways the pure professional stuff is beside the point and issues are always sortable with time.
I was shocked at the vehemance i heard in his voice that i did not know if to laugh or get serious.."A " and others were casually teasing me about my tiffin and said she wont eat anything that she did not cook. Now i am someone who happily proclaims cooking is my least favorite activity of all time and i dont do it 90% of the time.
For a chap who speaks after quite some thought "N" spoke "I dont think so …Does she cook?".
"A" persisted "do you know how to make jalebi ", and N was like "She cant cook food and you talk of jalebi".
This to me would be nothing to me, all my dear friends tease me , my mom hates me on this topic eternally.
But when a person who is a virtual stranger to you talks with such sarcasm on such a light subject you wonder what is the whole undercurrent all about. It cant be my cooking really.
Its about how you are perceived and what mental set up they carry in their head and its now upto me how do i do the whole damned team work here.
That is what it is.
I just dont fit in neither for myself nor in their scheme of things .
For some Like "N" who gets paid double my salary and always hobnobs with the right senior management and yet not having a free hand and esp being given complete authority within the team i.e me and "A" is an issue which is his challenge.
As of now in every team discussion we end the lines with "Right" so much "Right N?", "Right A?","Right Yamini?" that its quite sure so much is so very "Wrong".
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