Some old jottings

'There are two ways of writing,' " one of my favs Wodehouse had written. One of these is " 'a sort of musical comedy without music and ignoring real life altogether; the other is going right deep down into life and not caring a damn.' "

I sure started off the second way.....but some where deep down i seem to be so fed up ive graduated to the first one these days.I find life one sick comedy.

Another of those things i picked up from my old jottings...........
i find it amazingly funny to read now as i will find the whole of my blog one day i know.....cant beleive how numbed life makes you slowly.It was written i guess with lot of pain and now i guess about it what a joke...........................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you run run fast run away
from this maddening place
this chilling fear this hopeless life
this frustrating fight
this writhing heart this troubled soul
how to run where to run from this world
of right and wrongs silks and gold
i used to run to my dreams blue skies fragrant air
vast encompassing life in bright eyes
hearty smiles in hope's own world
but they woke me up to this bonded ugly world
where there was no place to dream of freedom
to wish for those small cherished smile
to feel love simply love without the bonds
and the rights to feel the breeze brushing your tangled air
to laugh at your folishness
to love all crazy things
they all fought me to make me give up my wish
my beleif that my dreams would come true someday
sometime the weary mind sought peace and gave up
but did it find peace
the heart chose to be foolish but then it doesn't have eyes ears.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Nonsensical drama this is...............

Well its hard sometimes to be so very much a part of a drama and yet be outside it.This is very badly written because the manipulation involved here are so hard to capture in my mind leave alone in writing.

One fine day last month my friend and teammate V decided anough is enough i will change my job and being the quite well qualified and clever and skilled gal she is she was snapped up real   fast and offered a nice package with almost 130% hike....with only one glitch ...... come soon 2 months is not feasible for us to wait but the way things are here she was no way going to be given the releiving letter.
Well anyway the resignation itself was dramatic.After being asked to be patient for almost 5 to 6 months she was given a new project a day before she got her new job i.e on Friday.Monday morning she had to join and she took off on Friday saying she's sick.
She came in Monday and our TL with the same concern dripping face asked so hru ...u've to join the new project and got the reply...
"hmm yeah im fine btw did u check ur mail i sent u my resignation letter".
TL's face was drained...oh i missed that.
Now i knew this since the day this started Round 1 to the offer letter i knew of.....and from the other side i knew of how they were planning to move her.Ah to keep quiet..........its so hard....when people go on and on about plans that i know will be dashed.
It shocked enough people and worried more because they knew of our group the coffee room group which eats together leaves together and may leave the company together.Every call on my cell i am viewed with suspicion.

And then started V's torture meetings with TL and PL(every resignee in my organization is subjected to this).What went wrong...Why ...Why..Why...and being the brash fresher she is she spoke all her heart out.Remember wht u said "Did i say that" when i asked u said "ull give me appraisal in the next few months " so you may say anything  how can i beleive you?

Its very hard to tell these young people not to get personal but then for them TL was the one who denied them good projects and a better appraisal and this was the moment they were waiting for.Only when she quoted her CTC did they become a bit quite but still they feel they are the wronged party.They want Loyalty Gosh whatever for......this is profession ...business.

V was told it seems " I will not accept"( Huh are we bonded labor here).
Now i discuss the whole thing so loudly and its like strange no one is yet telling of  it. I mean literally this whole thing was carried out from my System comfortably at the safe end row...i reviewed the resignation whose template was provided by a previous guy who resigned. before it was sent....hmm strange life.
We often joke lets put the Resignation Template also in the source safe repository.

Two days later the next girl in our group P was called and asked are you looking out ...she was more forthright "yes i am" and then at EOD put in her papers.Now it is like we know who's next even though i am not looking actively i am being suspected.The PL put it all on TL ..they dont like the TL so  they are leaving ...dont know why they dont come and tell me .HUh talk of finding Scapegoats.

Now all this is a boring diary.The troubling part started next.....After the shock was absorbed they though why not renegotiate and hence one friend of each was called and i was among then.

TL:See i want a personal help.You see P is leaving to a small company which is not needed
we may be able to give her a better opportunity here too
Me: Ah well see at this stage of their career they dont think of growth they like to learn maximum, earn maximum .
TL:Well then you could explain that P i have seen more of life(Now if she heard that what i tell P in general not that they need it but somehow i am being used very well as a pep up person by my dear young friends...not that they dont encourage me any less to be next in line).If i tell it will be like a boss thing...you explain.
Me: Ok i'll try... ask P to think and renegotiate with you ppl.
TL: do you really think we pay that low.I for one am not into changing companies.As far as V is concerned i am very upset.I had given her such good opportunities....
Me: Umm....
TL: Look at S group ...they work so well
Me :You really think they'll stay on( I felt like laughing....i could not stop myself..........Wait till their bond is over and  they'll show you their true colours) Remember me in Jan...what i said.really i pity some people.

( I knew S's group works really well and enthu all that but dear oh dear they have an appraisal in August and  abond till december...uske baad dekho...In fact S is the guy who reports to me...i told him see you have a very good impression with management and he smiled and said wait by Jan who pays more we'll be there no sentiments...thats how open they are....sad part is the mangement refuses to understand the fact that money is one hell of a issue next being technology.
Very few of the fresh 1 or 2 yrs exp people are interested in proces process hangover my TL has.They persuade you to tell the problem...when i tell them its due to money they say nah its due to peer pressure.)

Me: "Its not peer pressure way you think...its more like this everyone has a friend in every company and knows the salary levels and hence wants to be on par.Also when 2 people of same calibre join and one gets chance to work on 10 to 12 diverse projects and one is stuck in one no wonder peer pressure comes in.Peer pressure is not one person forcing other to leave."(Ofcourse i know management refuses to understand this because next day V was called in and told check your behavior dont encourage other to leave...good lord)

Next day when i spoke to P she's like cool yaar ......you've bought me time ....now i will try some more jobs as i dont want to take back my resignation.....somehow even if they pay...i am sick of these people.

Well i dont know what to say.....people dont change much ....all companies have many similar leads mostly and that some how the irony of life which i cant explain to these hopefuls but yeah one thing is sure if for the same suffereing someone's paying you double why not go..............

And then what about me...........I wish i knew....I want to leave but where to...i have a blanks in past which is not a great advertisement on a resume for a big company and do i have to leave just to get into  a small company...i mean i've just been having a bit of relaxed time here now.

Its all a question between being comfortable and being out of the comfort zone.Both seem appealing at various times of  the day.....I wish i knew where i'll end up.To add to my confusion ....of the endless astrologers my mom goes to quite some said i'll be no good as an employee .... her hand suggests business.........now while that sounds fine i cant think of any damn one business i'd start..and i being so lazy at initiating anything.....

 

A Maze of thoughts

The last few days were like a whirlwind....of so many things...that put thoughts in my head...most of which seem lost.

I am no Soccer fan ...i dont watch it...yeah i am more a fanatic of the eleven idiots game and enjoy Tennis but not soccer but that Zidane incident really got me thinking soo much about stuff like why some things affect us more than other things....since childhood.
Its amazing why we think quiet people are calm controlled and all that.I mean i think the quieter you are the more rage you have hidden inside which is all the more harder to control and may spill over at the worst possible time.

Also i thought how you never get over your childhood hurts and past.The pain and troubles you suffer when an adult i guess is just that a pain.It is the hurts that you felt deeply when a child that remain and manifest in strange ways.They somehow never go away.

I always think a a happy childhood often makes people more happy life long rather than all the best things earned later in life.Because sometimes while people may succeed by hard work /chance or what not if they have had a hard childhood while they may eulogize to the world about their growth and acheivement from such pain, poverty....that hurt that pain never goes away deep at heart.Success is satisfaction...success is a slap in the face of all who called you a failure....success is acheivement but it is not happiness i guess.

But if you lived a happy chilhood life and the if you are a failure too later in your life all your life you have those innocent happy memories which will keep you smiling always looking back....however sad life may be today.Those memories never fade...in fact we simply add more to them just to make them more perfect i guess.Yeah they are the wastrels who dont acheive anything or give anything to this world i guess but they live in their facade of past happiness...

Its like that sweet song from Phir teri kahani yaad aayi

Aane wala kal ek sapna hai
Guzra hua kal bas apna hai
hum guzre kal me rehte hai
yaddon ke sab jugnu......

Then there were the Mumbai blasts.Well you read of blasts see them everyday and somehow they seem far from you.But these i think affected the people who think they wont be affected ......much.yes the upper middle class.most who died and were injured i guess were them.

I found it so strange and politically perfect statements in all channels and all over the papers they keep saying how resilient we are and so on and so forth....well what do you expect.what else will they do that will not be worse.
As Frost said it "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

That 6 million people will stop living for 250 people.It seems harsh but that sadly is life .There's no other way.Most Indians live like that.....thats why probably we dont need as many pschychatrists as people in US need after any traumatic incident.We are used to the cruelty of life without needing blasts and terrorists.We live by that great law we named as Karma......

That city though has many faces......and it truly represents the eccentric mix called India.

The same people who save you one day risking all kill the other day.'Maximum City' by Suketu Mehta surely captured it beautifully to some extent and i liked that book.I just could not find its ebook now that ive returned it to the Library.
If all such mixed reflections were not enough there was high voltage tit for tat drama on at my office which left me in strange moodI am posting that seperately.

Of No Solace

But, there are hours of lonely musing,
Such as in evening silence come,
When, soft as birds their pinions closing,
The heart's best feelings gather home.
Then in our souls there seems to languish
A tender grief that is not woe;
And thoughts that once wrung groans of anguish,
Now cause but some mild tears to flow.

This is a part of a really sweet poem called Evening Solace i had copied to my book some time ago.
It actually is so very true what we make such mountains of today.........................we do not consider it worth all the fuss as time moves on....or sometimes time numbs us so much that we just remember what passion it used to arouse at some time....but cant feel it anymore.

I really cant beleive what i used to get moist eyed about those days ....... even these days....actually.I once was almost in tears cause my mom pulled out a favorite plant laden with flowers with a small axe.I never seemed in a mood to forgive her for being so inconsiderate....and now i live in such a barren world and try not to see anything...that reminds me of my past home.
She hated our watching TV those days.......and considered it one invention which would ruin us ....................which she loves now and we hate it.

Sometimes you seem lost and ask yourself what you really want or at the worst do you want ....or you just want all this to end all this wanting and such nonsense......

I guess i almost get everything i want but by the time i get it somewhere down the line it loses its value and power it had of bringing that joy.I did not have a job for long.......by the time i got one it was like a job something to close that issue...it did not bring any joy.Then i thought of getting a bit more of a decent job ..i got it afte some time and yet by that time it was a norm.......and now i have decent job but nothing really great about it....everyone has a better........
I guess it is the same for everyone of us.
My sis's chairman had once once told her reminiscing about the way he built his business when i wanted 1 lakh i had 10000...when i wanted 10 lakhs i had 1 lakh and when i want 1 crore i have 10 lakhs.....its not that money could not be earned its just that its never what you want at any given point of time.

What i hate is the time it takes to get what i want takes away any wish i have left for it.I almost always get things after after i give up on them.Time steals like none.......I cant beleive i used to count every rupee spent to go by bus and internet was so expensive....and now i have it all over the place but no time really and its being there 24x7 is not as useful as it once would have been.

I always chat my friends when i had the whole time in the world to travel and shop selectively haggling and and learn some hobbies all that and this that i had no money..............when i have money i can spend i have no time .........so you just take whats easier.After some time again may be i'll slowly gain that time and comfort but then again money would have its own everyday needs and responsibilities.

But as they say Life is not fair and better get used to it......hmm tryin to...once used to like fighting it now just letting it be.......dont really think its worth all that helluva fight.
Life has remained just that..................a long headache on a noisy street.

P.S: As much as i hate Ekta Kapoor's serials(no i dont hate her...i think she's one helluva smart woman making dumb people pay for her nonsense)............I guess she's not that way off the mark about the the great indian family.I saw proof of it very badly.
We live in a house where the owners stay above and downstairs we saty and beside us stay the owners' brother(sick character who wud be described in some other post) and his wife.This brother basically is a parasite who does some business od knows what and has no qualms about it .The owner a hard working slogging employee brought a brand new Red car and was so excited as he showed it to us.Next morning we saw it scratched in the front completely and only one person could have done that as it was parked right in front of the brother's door....the sister in law....as no one else visited the place not even the servants. We were like shocked honestly....No wonder Ekta Kapoor reigns.

Health is wealth.....yeah yeah

I might fall sick on Monday that was my last line to a friend on Friday with a twisted smile.....My life and its vagaries go like this.
I did not go to office on Monday....and i did fall sick on Monday with a bad throat and severe headache.......and no friends from office bothered to disturb me assuming that i was relaxing off a long weekend as they only knew.......So when my lead ....damn they dont know how to put it simply said i was really sick esp since i was advised to visit a doc as the symptoms could be of some epidemic around......i actually got scared.So i wasted half of my hard earned leave at a doc's place and did i curse as i waited there.
There were only 3 patients before me.....this is a homeo doc man ....i was like why you need 1 hr nearly for a patient......Finally when i did go in the man i thought i by mistake had visited a psychatrist.
Questions were
Any history of depression.....No i say (no history its always in present i guess).Are you open or secretive.....I decided to be a honest here...hmm a bit secretive.Do you like cold weather.Do you like being alone or having company.Do you take things easy or worry .......(if i took things easy i'd not be here )
The below though were my favs esp since he had seen me waiting in lobby with a real bitter face.
Do you get irritated fast....nah but umm a bit(Do you still need an answer)Do you get angry easily.....Yes but i control it well(I already am very angry with all this)
The funny part is this homeo hospital has a certificate hung thereMicrosoft certified ......signed by bill gates.
Soo funny...then he takes a snap from webcam for records......god my sis made such a mimcry of this....she said to me you should have shouted like village women do ....(kyun ji photo kyun aapko kaun doctor lete hain...nahi nahi ye nahi chalega...kahe ko photo...sehat kharab hai batane aye aapko photo kyun ).
Then when i told her about the pschoanalysis story and how i had to wait 2 hrs for having a 15 min chat...she said....see you may not like saying stories to those answers but there are enough people who open up and tell oh so many stories for such questions.......jaise.....nahi ji gussa aata hai par fir kam hota hai...pehle aur aata tha...aajkal ablah blah....depression lagta tha magar fir mood theek ho jaata but fir lagta nahi main depressed hun...
Hmm i could smile i guess thats her HR field experience.Such a waste of 4 whole days coughing around........nothing like being healthy...heck...i'll go to office everyday pls let me be hale was all i thought.

The never changing Fixations....

Its been like a year now since i first finally started blogging after thinking about it since sooo long and i was juts looking back and its strange so much has changed and then so much has not changed. My blog started complaining about my managers and work and it still has not changed but what has changed is someone somewhere is also blogging or orkutting complaining about me i guess.

There was so much to write then and i guess i really loved putting it into words at the start ....now with tooo many more things on mind i never seem to get into one single track on which to write about and all my pages are like my life disorganised thoughts leading nowhere but i guess some lives are just that.

As of now after two weekends of travelling out of station and being extremely tired i found a sunday to sit at home and my net people did a great favor by disconnecting the internet ( he got an earful for that though with me being pretty upset...i mean no net for 5 days hmmm ) for the whole of the weekend hence i just write rather than browse around meaninglessly or do some useless stuff .

I was remembering what i had once wondered at a previous job when a customer had sobbed saying he had almost 20 GB of songs....we were like smirking does he ever listen to them all. Well today i seem to be in such a situation. With nearly 6 GB of songs and still downloading from here n there at every opportunity i asked myself how much am i listening to compared to those days when i used to play the Tape recorder at my bedside in the lowest volume .

I know i never read e books......as i hate reading on screen whatever can be read on paper. But with space constarints i love having ebooks as a reference when i return books to the library. And i keep searching them on orkut...esnips. But i hardly read books now as much as i used to read...for the first time i kept a book for whole of 40 days and did not turn a page and returned it. I do think i should brush up my technical stuff now that i am planning to apply wherever i can but i never do that...it took me a final interview to get to read up the geekinterview.com...though i messed up the interview at least i got started....it shook me from that lazy stupor i have fallen into.

Then as if 2 months of lull was too much i went on my shopping spree again....... As i sat down looking back i know what i was fixated on ....the village house where we stayed at........the trip to that lake was great but i can always say it was an outing but what makes me feel envy is the fact that someone has such a lovely house.......i mean it was lovely ....large pucca house double story with a huge courtyard with all kinds of trees....brinjals hanging and coconuts...there was television.....everything really and a much more servants there.

There were no cultured roses but yeah the not so looked after garden had been filled with lavender wildflowers......when i woke up at 8 in morning.My 1 mega pixel cam blurred the pic and turned them to blue flowers which hardly look as great here....By evening 5 they all close and it looks like a barren place again. As i described it to her and said it’d be lovely to be there she laughed and said as if it wont be hard.

I say why hard .......i mean i just am fed up of these small spaces...yes we live here because of amenities.......not sure what are those.........you can find much loyal and willing servants up there. She said yeah you can coz all you will do is have big room with bookshelves and a large garden and television for a change (ok she missed the computer) bas you would be happy.

We all have some fixations...If i love flowers in the garden my sister somehow says she loves a vegetable garden though she would not do anything for it she says she’d love if someone grew it. Her favorite she says is tomato plant. The way she says it in Hindi will her eyes rolling is amazing. ”Vaise lal lal fal latakte rehte hain na to lagta hai mehnat ka fal mila jaise bolte na waise mil gaya hai.” she will say. She says how much farmers must love to see their crops esp the ones with such vegetables.

So we argued and finally concluded that while living in village was hardly a cake walk but with money it would be great to have a house like that back to go back to when sick of this place , noise and traffic.

Thing is i want to go to office but i don’t want to work.....i need a break from work. Some people just are freaks. We have a small room with the coffee machine and we four girls kind of sit up on the platform and joke for 5 to 10 mins there when we trek up for coffee together. All this changed when one of the senior managers complained to our manager that this must stop as people were feeling embarrassed of coming and taking coffee when girls sat together as if in a college environment.....Hmmm

Seems like at office you should look like you are working hard and tortured not laughing or having fun and joking ...that’s what I remembered then....... lot of the people certainly have a problem if they see others laughing .....they simply don’t believe in that phrase live and let live. Neither do they live nor let others live.

Living it up ...hypocritically

We all hate hypocrisy....or so we say....and yet so much of what we do is based on that.Some times i guess we are so scared of admitting somethings that we go on lying to ourselves.

Thats why may be the anonymity of a blog helps.......a friend sent an orkut invite and hence got an orkut account finally and browsed around a bit....though my primary use is ebooks frankly....coz i dont find making friends in there any good.... i mean i find it strange what to beleive in people out there.
The strange profiles with contradictory statements...actually this i found on blogs too...so many people write such great revolutionary kind of stuff on blogs....where are they all in reality....why do you see scared....conformist people all around you while on these blogs and orkut you see all non conformists.

Its a strange contradiction i always wonder about...i thought may be i do not get along with people that much but the more i see people the more i feel we are becoming hypocrites.I mean earlier people had some sick ....traditional ways may be but that was it.....no pretences.If you are a hard core relegious person so they stated it.Now people always are politically correct....be if about their views on women, relegion, caste ,social issues.

I came across this blog
http://skuvce.blogspot.com/2006/05/caste-caste-is-one-of-great.html while just browsing and was amazed or releived that someone observed what i too observed....when i browsed orkut.
A part of that is quoted here

"The hypocrisy of the Ayn Rand toting youth is pretty evident in their obsession with Caste and Identity. While it is considered politically incorrect to inquire about someone's caste, Caste remains something very close to everyone's hearts. ......................I could sense this while surfing profiles randomly on the orkut community yesterday.

Orkut is a social networking hub which is predominantly used by Internet-savvy, twenty-somethings. Many among my own list of acquaintances describe themselves as 'Atheists', 'Agnostics' and 'Humanists' in their profiles.

Yet, you'll find the same blokes in the 'Thenkalai Iyengar' and 'Havyaka Brahmin' communities ;)Strange, but apparently our friends don't sense a contradiction.The maniacal obsession with Identity is scary.There is a community for almost everysub-caste on orkut.... Iyengar, Reddys, Iyers, Agarwals, Jats, Kauls, GSB's, Dalits...you name it."

Thats probably a very high level scenario but even in small things in life there's so much hypocrisy.The more bigger money you want to earn the more you get in multinational companies with intercaste interacial...intercultural interactions the more we develop our hypocrisises.
We smile ..... and smile..... 24x7 fall over bend backwards to please that 'gora guy' who gets you projects and then take away out hearts venom by cracking jokes behind them about them.
Its all about being politically correct not about having an opinion ....

Just keeping track of the days.....

I really wanna move out of this place i am living in soon...since we've come into this house i have been losing things regularly.....sometimes small some big.
Well last fortnight some one had cut the mosquito net set at window near my parents room.A few days later mom woke me up by vigorous shaking.....that some one had burnt a nice part of the mosquito net of the front room and my computer beside it was turned towards the window rather than the opposite way which was normal.(Thank god this happened after my Dad's visit else it would have been a locked up life.)
She found CD's strewn in front of the door and my headphones lying beside the door of the neighboring house.

Now started the discussion....what was lost ....nothing we could not remember any.....neighbours above and beside came and so all feasible stuff discussed.Since no thief would throw a headphones and go what was the objective asked neighbors.... scaring?....oh this that and what not....do you people have any enemies....Gosh we had to try hard to remember something.
It took me 4 days to realise that whoever came had stolen my Sony Walkman .......and while running the headphones must've dropped.......(such is my memory and organization of stuff).Never was anyone at home so relieved to know that it was a thief afer all....though now i have to cook up something to tell my dad as i'll get some nice dose for being careless ....blah blah...earlier it was "you ppl cannot earn a penny....now the regular stuff is just bcoz u ppl earn a bit you dont understand the value of money".........Such is the way things go on....

Whole day today busy with nearly 300 snaps by oh so many people....luckily work pressure was less....wonderful snaps of the really amazing place.

While its easy to complain about so many things as i often do on my blog when you look back you realise some good things.It was a place i could never have visited normally....i mean its pretty much a unknown place and hence sheer good fortune that i happened to be in a team that had someone with access to such a place.

Added to it one of the guys had added comments and a documentary about the trip to the snaps in the local language which was like amazing.Very few people today can honestly speak in such wonderful regional lingo.Really enjoyed it.....hard though it was for me to read and understand it.

All this seems to suspend the time somewhere looking back ....as there is oh so many other things which are at a really bad turning point.. ........ With the way thing are though i am convinced that life is all about the present moment.......somewhere again but then you feel life is and was i guess all about moments....a few which you hope for a few which you look back on.
Its something i never can be sure of which side i am on.....living for.....todays moments?....or yesterdays moments? or moments you hope would be tommorow?
As if i have less confusions i seek out more of em......

A weekend Trip

Its been sooo long i guess since i wrote but then i was like not getting the time to write when i had things to write in my mind and when i made time to write...i sort of lost the flow.....as there was nothing special..........just life and its strange ways and added to it my strange thoughts.

Well first some good stuff...i wish i would one day write a proper travel blog...........that is if i get enough time space and bucks to travel as i love to really.
So i just write as i write my woes about literally everything...............including this lovely trip last weekend we had to a small nearly not well known in the travel world kinda lake in the jungle....It was really beautiful....The way travel is commercialised....its amazing such places still remain....but it still showcases what marketing is all about.
Hmm i just had my Nokia 6670 and that definitely could not capture the lovely place from a moving bus balancing on narrow mud roads.So here is the only pics i thought was good enough....may be some more from my friends digital cam later.

Actually one of our colleagues happens to be a native of this place and hence this trip was arranged else its absolutely hard to stay in a place which is not on travel map and no guest houses or anything......
Actually one of our colleagues happens to be a native of this place and hence this trip was arranged else its absolutely hard to stay in a place which is not on travel map and no guest houses or anything......

Its a beautiful lake in the middle of a jungle over a mountain.....mud roads have just been repaired after neglect...it used to be some british place for resting while hunting ..... and lovely it was.I dont want to use the same metaphors for great , lovely again and again just sufficient to say it was very natural with absolutely no human pollution visible.
A cool lake surrounded by trees with very small pockets of sand giving it a beach like feel.

Now my woes.....

My new nokia 6670 screen got scratched badly when we were trying to get photographed while getting into the... ahem .... bullock carts for fun.

When you go to a lovely natural place you would want to sit and soak up the feel of the place...not play games and that too football/handball......but then some ppl and in our case the person who got it was a girl....what do i say.
I hate when such stuff is used for Team building.....it only ends up in Team breaking into new teams.
Some people as much as sweet they are i wish would shut up once in a while.....i really find it hard to understand whats so boring in keeping quiet for half an hour.....funnily i always surround myself with such people only....some flaw in me huh??

Why do guys drink on the sly ......cant they skip that in the pretty few rare trips that they have with their female colleagues esp when they cant hold it.....and start acting up. It was just one chap really but it irritated the hell out of all and ruined the mood. More so as he had resigned and had no fear of authority i guess so a bit too high.

Some people love to be spoilsport and suddenly put long faces...knowing well it'll affect everyone....


You go to some architectural temples and half the crowd is only interested in coconuts and the deity in the sanctum and other half in traveling to the next place.

It is fate that some one has such a wonderful and lovely large house with such expansive courtyard and such respectful village hands as we had stayed at....and what not and lives cooped up in small boxed out apartments.

Some gals were so excited at women drawing water from well...”isnt it lovely isnt it lovely” they chirp...well all i could say was...its lovely to visit and see them but hard to live with it daily. Though i adore the lovely calm...large spaces..natural surroundings...large courtyards...palm trees and all stuff of villages.....i am a little less fascinated by people there.....all that stuff of village life ....drawing water...bullocks and such. People are the same everywhere towns cities and villages...varied....but same.....manipulations...egos...powerplay,hero worship, love and hate....just the manifestations are different.

Hmm all in all it was a beautiful place though and considering the fact that i dont wish to stay here long enough for another trip with these set of people it was a good trip too.
But now that im back i have to get serious about all the issues left on the backburner.....
....i.e the politics of promotion in my office....that i guess iwll be next post....though the best way to say it was as one guy said as we entered the city and someone honked a horn bigtime....."welcome back to the town of perfect structures and honking horns."

Sun and Rain of everyday life

Life has its funny and sweet moments with all the horrors that go around and funnily
it is friends who make so much difference.

I am someone who gets chappatis for lunch something rare down south so all my friends tease me whenever i get rice may be once in month that it will rain in evening while goin home...and somehow it does...and somehow mom being busy this week only put rice and gosh........it did not rain in the evening.
Early in dawn at 4 it rained i guess and all the three of them and me at their homes far away somehow woke up with rain splattering from their deep sleeps and all of them thought of the same thing sleepily...........my tiffin and smiled to themselves in the night ....and that was the first joke next day.

Well thats a smiling thought.........the rest of this is like a mess.....
All the Sr members in my project who have been in the project for one year have put in their resignation.....and i am like mera number kab ayega.I just cant take the look in all eyes...you next .....
The smile is wiped off my lead's face...... does not say hi any more....calls up only when thers some work scenario.

All this while i've to struggle with the scheduling for a bunch of new joinees who dont know a and b and the resignees who dont care abt a's and b's.
The problem with so many people is they just dont dare....sometimes may be me too but i have my reasons.Like my official timing was 9 i went at 9.30 morning...now its 9.30 i go at 10 am..........but my lead does not ask me straight bcoz they know i'll answer the inevitable " u want me here at 9.30 i will......but i'm outta here at 6.30...take ur pick"........but the issue is they keep telling me to ask ppl in my team to come early....which to be seems like hmmmmm.

There's this new fresher reporting to me.....Gosh i cant beleive i teach them to deceive me.....he does not like the work...i know but he finishes it faster than some other slow tortoises...and said to me "mam can i leave" at 5 pm.I was like now????
why any specific work..."no mam i finished my assigned work".........i was like oh yeah then start off the next...we have a such a tight schedule and you are supposed to continue..............he was like this is not fair...........i came at 8 and started work(now just coz im friendly he dared say this)....i literally had to openly say "did i ask u to come a t 8 and start your work...u cud have browsed chatted or whatever"

He had this look on :( on face....
My friends who are just 1+yr exp were like he finished his work...u cud have let him go nah.
I only said well well i wud love to because i would say the same when my work done i am leaving but it does not work like that in mid size IT companies....its all about team work Sr managers will say.....and if you want it that way of individuality stand up and say it.
That these people won't do.When i asked this guy any issues tell me i'll try to report them to management ....he said " why bother and spoil your impression with the PL....work quietly till u will then push off".
Hence i told him gr8 going kid if thats how it you wish.Work bcoz those who cant stand up ...can sulk but have to work......

I finally at 6 said ok go ahead leave ...he was like no thats fine movie tickets wont be available now.......i was like wellllllllll...........if that was the case u better learn making excuses.....i cant teach you what excuses to make to me.

Actually i should push off faster from here....i seem to be the most anti management proxy manager.Added to it my friends find my desk at the backend of the hall safest to fill Application/Candidate info of all companies.Also i seem to have the habit of shooting myself in the foot all by myself.

A guy in my team resigned week after i took over and i was asked can you explain...i was like huh ...u really think he did all this in a week......of course i know it was for paycheck.
My PL was like if u knew why u did not tell TL.I was like when u knew i thought TL also knows and i got a good lecture on hierarchy.

PL was like why do u think think ppl are leaving like this...its not paycheck ........its the feeling of being not valued and all that crap.
Well i told that value stuff comes at your position may be but for freshers and 1 to 2+ exp ppl paisa bolta hai.
Then i was told the market is great we know but still why so many leaving.
I could only only say :"Well market is good and everyone is like make Hay while the sun shines".
It was a wonderful pause and Immediate question
"So yamini what about ...for you too make hay....."
I was like pulling up my diplomacy
"ah...it depends on how much hay for me ...see i am neither fresher nor exp...so who knows may be for a big bundle ....i dont know...nothing as of now but who knows."

I did not then have my cam phone else this was a capturable moment.

Since then sun has never been shining on my PL's face.

Brand of unhappiness

Its been so long i guess since i wrote...but them i feel i repeat myself and just coz
life repeats itself seems no good reason that i repeat myself here.
Life has gone from just one damn thing after the another to one damn thing over and over....
Almost everything i seem to do in the past few days seems to turn out badly.Well it happens a lot with me in general a lot but last week it happened a bit too much enough to be reminded of it in a special way.

I bought my new Phone a camphone 6670 but somehow after a struggling day i cud not find the color i wanted and then i compromised and then again somehow i just was not happy with it.Can't pin point and type ...many things i guess...just i was not happy.
Like why the heck does it need a key code if u want autolock....and it somehow after a 15 min conversation was warm enough to put me off....which was my basic reason to switch phones.

The way things are going i am living up to follow the following quote

"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies"

Well i am searching for those treasures in my brand of unhappiness coz i for one am fed up of this search for happiness.Some flaw in my temperament i guess which is unrepairable and my surroundings....which i can't demand to be changed.

Friends at office say i've lost the smile on my face since the day i took charge for a bunch of ppl(they are nice and blunt enough to say that its a false formality smile when i smile wide at their comments)....well if only i could tell that thats just a miniscule part of my unhappiness.

A State of unaffectedness

Its become a state of continuity in my mind , the state of complete unaffectedness..Its hard to understand or rather relate when i ponder about myself.I who could be affected by every small word voice, happening seem to be unaffected by none now.

Its like a sense of indifference has settled on the heart.Earlier everything seemed to affect a hope , a future i had a vision of....dreams you d believed would turn true. Its like nothing matters any more..Nothing in reality...who cares ,what happens...everything can be dealt with...there’s nothing left to lose that i can lose or i believe will lose....nothing that matters to the heart at least.

There are still somethings i hold dear but still i’ve nothing to fear...as they cant be touched...memories, visions ...unlived dreams.

I have no illusions left about this world but then it has become like one of those quotes...by who else by ultimate favorite in quotes respect keeping Oscar wilde aside.....Mark twain

“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ”

They are gone now and the mind seems so unbothered about anything... now that the heart seems to be no longer the trouble it used to raise for the mind ....about everything in life.

Weekend reading Riot and wondering

Absolutely devoured and finished off Shashi Tharoor's Riot this weekend.Sometime since i read a book at one go.Its a fine enough book now....I always think i should write a decent review of books but then i always am so centered on my thoughts and so again here too the same story.The book as i read it made me wonder a bit ...made me feel been there seen that a bit and so on....
Well this passage is to be read..............hard core relegious ppl pls excuse.
and guess what ..... i liked it and thought i shud post it and felt lazy typing it.So just to try my luck googled and i got my passage.Ah small mercies.....

This is written by the American girl working in a small district in UP for population control.

"Learned something interesting about the Hindu god Ram, the one all fuss about these days. Seems that when he brought his wife Sita back from Lanka and became king, the gossips in the kingdom were whispering that after so many months in Ravana's captivity, she could not possibly be chaste anymore. So to stop the tongues wagging, he subjected her to an agni-pariksha, a public ordeal by fire, to prove her innocent. She walked through the flames unscathed. A certified pure woman.
That stopped the gossips for a while, but before long the old rumours surfaced again. It was beginning to affect Ram's credibility as king. So he spoke to her about it. What could she do? She willed the earth to open up, literally, and swallowed her. That was the end of the gossip. Ram lost the woman he had warred win back, but he ruled on as a wise and beloved king.
What the hell does this say about India? Appearances are more important than truths. Gossip is more potent than facts. Loyalty is all one way, from the woman to the man. And when society stacks up all the odds against a woman, she'd better not count on the man's support. She has no way out than to end her own life.
And I'm in love with an Indian. I must be crazy."

I have nothing against the relegion of Ram though.....Hinduism i think its the best .....that is if relegion is a necessity.
After all where else can you call on a Ram when you want to defend yourself in name of social justice and chastity and a Shyam when you want just...what they say divine love.You can argue for any thing and find examples for everything....such vast is our mythology.

Now i read this book on the weekend and thought it truly represents the hypocrisy in our society and then let it be. Then today i read about that Indian engineer killed in Afghan and his second wife.Well i know its not nice speaking of dead and who am i to judge....i dont judge anyone but it surely shows how much our society values appearances.
One report was he told the second wife " you both are like my two eyes"...a very common line used by parents to to refer to their children.It made me LOL and reminded me of a childhood incident.
My sister shattered my grandma and this myth once and for all in my home........when once she repeatedly teased and grandma said you both are like my two eyes.....she answered back promptly
"But then one eye could be bright...................one eye might have a better vision".

Surely all this wouldve been known to first family but survival is the moot point hence people live through.....but when it becomes a public matter its a disgrace.Suffering and disgrace in private is honorable.....funny is our society or rather us.
Actually people have started using this Funda 'I am an Indian ' for all their stupid habits.You speak rotten english...." iam an indian man not firangi"
You spit around, smoke on face " This is india".
The next extract really is a very serious one but i laughed cynically a lot on this.
Ok let me give the context..

"a married indian bureaucrat having an affair with a visiting American student in a small district in UP.They are arguing the future of their relationship"

Priscilla:Its not that difficult Lucky .You are more western than you think...You'll adjust easily.

Lakshman: "Its not that adjustment i am talking about......In my culture no man with any self respect gives his mangalsutra, his ring his name to a woman who's been with other men.I never thought in my life i would be in a position where another man would think ,' Ive slept with his wife......"

Priscilla: You are sick.
Lakshman: I'm indian..................(I really laughed and laughed..............what an answer)

Most of the stuff in the book is pretty real India...and so one'd feel what's so special stuff.
The books well written i mean simple not too hi fi.......I wanted to read " The Great Indian Novel " and ended up with this....as ever you never find what you want when you want.It was a fine way to spend a weekend drained as i was of that office work.

A lunch and some Conversation
Sometimes i am so clueless about myself....i mean why do i end up beind such a misfit literally everywhere.I just seem to be out of place everywhere....in all groups....the liberals and the conservatives....i fit in nowwhere.
Had gone out for a lunch with some team members .I had been a part of that part of the team for a short time but since im friends anyways with that bunch i was invited even though i am no longer part of it.It was justa few of us hence conversation was not really easy.When its the whole team of 20 members lunch just passes away .....but we 3 were like a bunch of the quiet but not so quiet kind of people and the other girl is actually a very brilliant child frankly and wont cant make much serious conversation with likes of us only the movie jokes and all and with all 3 of us not south indian movie buffs she was quietest......... and most of our jokes being anti management and with the lead being the honorary invitee we could not start off on that.

At such a point waiting for the damn order when the talk about the book five point someone came up.I just said oh S youve read it.....and god what a reaction i got...."No No No its not for girls".I honestly though i was speaking of some X rated book.
I just said too late for caution..."ive read it".....and so it was lik eok so how was it....i was like yeah good ....i guess most engineer esp mechanical are the same.
So you are which branch ...Oh electrical....A says" arre god what we studied and what work we do."
But i just was left wondering whats the problem with people and what illusions they live with.I really though may be i should get the book again and see what was so strange about the book....thats not on TV or movies in your face.Agreed it was written more from a guys point of view and humor but that kind of reaction............i was left wondering why dont i just shut up and go on smiling at people's conversations.
But the way we make conversation amuses me....you ask a girl eating deep fried potatoes what you will not have anything .....dieting."What to say".
But honestly i am in such a strange mood...i mean nearly 3 of my teammmates have resigned and all around its resignation season.......even S to whom i reported to earlier is leaving for abroad......he argues too much and used to make life hell for my lead and i used to get sandwiched in between and hated it.... but he was the only guy with some courage in this whole bunch i am surrounded by .......and its like all a boring bunch of ppl left.....you know there's so much opportunity out there and you are good enough but you are pulled back due to some stuff and then to top it all around you have freshers with all stupid illusions....its so hard to get then to understand that life's all Cntrl+V and Cntrl+C.Then one of the chap who reports to me had got so used to fwding issue mails to me that he fwd some mail meant esp for the guys team and i had to endure a big sorry session.
Best amusement of the week though: What did we do in this project
A says Car, Dar and War.(Now thats process terminology and lets leave it).
War surely we are doing....

Friendships, thoughts and all nonsense

Last week was my Library day....i make a trek to the library however busy to get myself a dose of escape.....
and since i was way too tired to get anything which would tax me i opted for no technical books....honestly once you get a job i guess no one reads technical books...they are only for interviews when you have no job.
So i picked up a small poetic collection....basically its a collection of poems read on BBC's program "Something understood" ...it is based on those spiritual themes and all which i'll skip reading i guess...God's not pretty much my cuppa tea now.
It happens rarely with me but when it does i am quite amused.....
Well on thr front page of this book scrawled across in a childlike handwriting was "Page 73 and Page 107 Just Mindblowing."
Well one was the lovely Vikram Seth's poem i had posted earlier "All you who sleep tonight".
The other was just the opposite type god based i guess was ...oks "A Julian Contemplation" by Edwina Gateley.
What amused me was what inspires or rather whats on their mind when people scribble such notes in public books?

Neverthless i finally broke the jinx after 10 days and came home at 8 pm...wow gr8 and started reading the book a bit...
the friendship section had some very good thoughts and reminded me of a discussion with a friend.It was in reply to a Fwd: i mailed .

I hope my copying from the mails isnt an issue :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

FWD :How Friends Break ?
Both Friends will think the other is busy and will not contact thinking it may be disturbing. As time passes both will think let the other contact. After that each will think why should I contact first. Here ur love will be converted to Hate. Finally without contact the memory becomes weak. They forget each other. One fine Day they will meet n blame one another. So Keep in touch with all your Friends.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply:
yeah that's true
may be thats y friends break but one question i ask is is really friend ship that way meaning does lack of contact reduce interest?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Re:reply
It was just a fwd but neverthless good thoughts but contact does make a difference --- not to friendship that was --- but keeping up friendship with time.As we go on no contact means we only have memories no understanding of their current scenario , and sharing of thoughts or whatever and that is what defines a good friendship is it not?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

So when i read the below something spoken by a very old friend of MArk Tully D'Arcy O'Farrell.......
i felt as is always with me..."Someone Understood"....probably why i love books.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So often friendships wither and love grows cold because the initial excitement wears off and we do not persevere in deepening the relationship.It can only deepen by living through the duller moments, by arguing out the inevitable
differences and overcoming the distances too, as D'Arcy suggests.

"You must keep in contact with people and you must make some sort of effort.Its no use sitting around and waiting for the other fellow to come to y ou.And there's sometimes an element of sacrifice; you've got to be prepared to put things aside for your friend, somethings that perhaps, superficially , you'd rather be doing.If someone you're really close to wants to see you, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your own plans to be with them.
I think there is so much change and newness in life now, compared to when we were young, its much easier to have superficial friendships with people and then forget about themwhen you pass onto the next set.So i think it has become harder to retain and develop friendships because of the pace of life, but having said that, real friendship is a great rarity in life, and always has been."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To end the post some nice lines from the book...more from it later

"They that love beyond the world ,
cannot be seperated by it.
Death cannot kill what what never dies"

William penn

Hope they dont sound too morose..................but i somehow dont feel morose
about death.....I always think if it weren't for death there would be no escape....from the mess of life.......
thank god this will end surefire..........i feel when i think of death.But i guess thats for my ownself.....its not great to imagine it for whom you care for.
Now what to title this post as??....writing is not much difficult ....hardest is the title for me. they are so losely connected topics all in one post...............i scribble all nonsense....nah type(i hate typing and my typing is the greatest amusement of my team mates......but imagine i write so long a post when i hate typing if a post could be scribbled i'll write triple the length i guess)

Ah what a week if you can call something sugar coated  bitter pill this week  i got a full dosage of it.

I mean i walk in on Monday and i am called in by the manager.....ah hmm ....hmm see we think the technical team has less work and so we plan to  remove a resource from it and i understand your concern but i want you to take over the Functional team as a Sr person ....its known as the contact layer in our organisation( the ppl who report to the Team lead.).Since the growth path deems that you look at the next role this is how it will be ...i am so happy to tell that 3 engineers will report to you(My thoughts: great  ab teen log mujhko gaali dena shuru karenge....basically what it means is you have to do your work and worry about getting work done by others too .....more importantly lie to them better about what i lie to you is what was meant ).

 

I cant say no because i am not some brilliant technical person..............just an above avg in technical (though this project does not even need average )........but this is kind of a sudden change.

I am fine with management but what is troubling is this move will help me nowhere if i dont stick with this org for next 2 or 3 years which i dont want....the environment here gets to me.I have my reasons why i am in this soup...past never becomes past.To move out of this org i must be in Technical but how do you refuse a promotion now esp if you not brilliant in Technical.That is called trapping and the did it well.

The thing is there was a new proj and with one senior person moving there and the other resigning i had to do it......and its being shown as a favor to me......

 

Anyway some things come back to haunt you.....well the nickname  by which we call this contact layer was started by ME.........life comes in circles.....and now all my bunch of colleagues and friends call me and say so you are the new.........

Its no use .....just a name and i have to more work...if it was purely managing i know how  it can be done and enjoyed but suddenly making your peers and friends who helped you  answerable to you is not such a fun idea. But people at this place are not bothered about such things........

 

That ended the story of my “to heck with it life” and from next day stay back late and slog it out life started and now we have to work the weekend. My protest is given such beautiful answers and i was left reading between the lines.

:We are trying for more resources with Sr management(since....since oh since eternity ......with no success)

: This happens whnever we start a new cycle(hmm and this will continue..... because we only want business first)

: This is common in IT...things are dynamic.... we cant plan...(ok great then why do talk of CMM and planning and waste hours on meetings)

: Change is inevitable(Oh yeah ... then why when we say i want to change this boring project and get in where i can learn something more you say.......”.no... no see how xxx is in this proj from 18 months she's never complained”)

:Get me the numbers to convince the management to need more resources........they think people are not working eight hours(referrring to coffee room discussions)

: See this happens take this as a Challenge(i could only stare..... working n copy pasting 100 times more by staying back late and working weekends  is a challenge??? but as i came out of the meeting room my friend answered it to me......working weekends is a burden not a challenge...tell that .Of course the guys have their own jokes....so they asked me to get the Thums up from the canteen and put it there.....Take the challenge. )

Definition of challenge in mid size IT company or at least my current project is: As many hours work the client gives finish it on time with whatever you have.

Then there are friends ah friends.....

Scene1:

They say  Coffe chalen....

I say lemme finish this mail..........

hmm ok so maam has been promoted no time for coffee............

Scene 2:

They say Cofee chalen

I say chalo..(2 mins waiting)

Come nah u said coffee

ok ok we know u r now senior and hence are free while others work

 

Really i am having some time of this....................

At the end of the day all of then do tell me and that is heartfelt i know......come on why are you still here at 8.30 pm........you of all the people.............

 

But the most amusing moment was the only fresher a new joinee assigned to me..........

“Maam i am leaving”

(Ok gr8 and pls pls stop this Maam thing)

“Hmm Maam do we have to be here by sharp 9.30 morning.”

I could only LOL any other day....i wanted to say with me its more like sharp 6.30(evening of course).I just smiled and so did all who knew me.........."sharp 9.30" ..........me huh....i wanted to tell him that line

The trouble with being punctual is there will be no one esp ME to appreciate it.

Then i come home after my torrid protest of working weekend and my mom says “What you are working weekend”.......but you can’t.Perplexed...........i ask why...........she says ive arranged a puja....and you must be present ........

but why did you not tell me.... (the answer left me feel crushed.............ah god)

“Its been quite so long since you worked on weekend.” so i thought .............you’d be there.

I could only wonder and wonder ........about being taken for granted all the places.

 

Good Friday Huh.........

Few moments of sheer joy and then a day of agony ,recriminations ,accusations seems is what i ended up with on this friday what i hoped would be a good friday.For those two hours it felt blissful as i lay on the cool floor as music played happily....Tere Ghar Ke Samne (its quite nice this song i like to hum it a lot) and more......I really love listening to music all alone at home..........esp those old songs my fav....... with mom and sis around its never the same.

It was nice really nice and i guess and that was all nice for the day and quite some time to come.
I just wondered how is this relaxation and happiness bad compared to going to some damn temple with fumes and what not ......bizzare repetition of some verses and that too in such noisy manner(some of them make it so much shrill)......but i guess i am unable to convince anyone around.
I dont know of love but Faith is blind.....no issues with it till i am not forced into it.....but people with relegious faith are never content with themselves being blind they want others for company.
To enjoy by yourself is sin and every moment no one will leave you alone lest you commit this sin of loving your own company.....and be lost to their world.Sane arguments are a waste in such case.....they only elicit more stubborn blind faith and emotional ekta kapoor scenes.Now one's worried about my going blind with the time i spend at my PC.....well they dont mind if it was at work but at home.What pays is a different story....thats one faith most beleive in .

Its ever the same with my ever awaited holidays.I wish i was back to my office where honestly i dont care....i may complain crib but nothing or no one there matters much...its infinitely easy you feel when such things happen.
There one amusing thing i noticed last month....a new word was commonly being used for me by both my manager and my colleagues.Everytime they kind of tell me....its ok ....."Dont Panic".Huh i think ....what makes them think i'll panic about this project.....then again i think do i really look so dedicated and tense and that people take it that way way....when my basic feeling is whocares.
Then i was left wondering .....Dilbert epitomises our offices.....what does that for our homes.
I shudder to think may be ..... Ekta Kapoor's serials....

The world of reality has its limits.....sadly

I was kind of lost.............and did not know what to do as i sat at my PC....to stay away from it means other kind of troubles in this closed up house.So i just sat down staring at it till my screensaver came up a huge slideshow of all my hopeless collection of flowers and trees from the net.There are two pictures of two trees starkly different one with bright white flowers which i adore and one deep orange leaves, both i love and as they looped through i kept imagining standing beneath those trees....and looking up at the......it seemed lovely the illusion.



But in reality i found a tree with yellow flowers(reality is always different hmmmm) hanging down all over the tree near my office.I literally sat below it and looked up and i saw the lovely flowers and those bunch of fleas in there too and i got scared of them getting into my eyes and lenses and got away.Then i started wondering...may be thats the problem with me ....i see more reality than i wish to see.That is why i guess Jean Jacques Rousseau said
"The world of reality has its limits; the world of imagination is boundless. "

This is one of those Classic poems from Vikram Seth,.....actually its the title poem of that book."All you who sleep Tonight"....It was long since i opened the book...i just enjoy glancing at it and playing my games of randomly opening pages.Since its long since a poem was posted by me and i am in no mood to write anything poetic ...... i'm like more in mood to write some thing caustic but let it be.So i thought of putting t his poem here.Words can be woven so beautifully or is it thoughts can be transformed so wonderfully i think as i read his poems.
--------------------------------------
All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -
Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

-- Vikram Seth
---------------------------------------

Objective: Weekend

Sometimes when i think of my objective just before starting work in week i realise its thesame thing since i started working....the weekend.
Earlier i used to think it was a BPO job and the timings are odd so i need my sleep ........but now in one of those IT jobs its the same always the same......
Earlier i thought it was this company may be but slowly i realise it may be the same else where........
There are few days when things are kinda cool and times when you feel some people are really friends and not colleagues and when on weekends you get bored you wish you were at office making fun of clients and management.............but they are oh so rare weekends.

The last week was very hectic......appraisals were out and people were upset or were being upset by others upset and work was made a direct variable of the pay ....... at least every conversation smirked of it.It was a terrible week and never wanted the weekend more.......i deliberately planned to lock myself in esp what with summer in full swing....i even did not read a book i was so tired.............in fact all i did for two days was i guess sleep and post to my blog........the whole infighting had taken good toll on my sleep.

I start every Monday aiming for Friday....
Every Monday morning its always like the Dicor ad which will remain my Fav for very long(I do want to quit every Monday...... )
Its not like i have some great weekend parties or get together or any such happening things.
Its just that i need a respite from hating what i do i guess.....
What if you are good at what you hate and average at what you love?
I'm still wondering..........

A few of my favs

I dont browse blogs all that much as much as i'd want to these days because whatever time i can find off work im so self absorbed in writing about me ,my work and such nonsense .
Just thought of listing the very few of the blogs that i frequent see again its about me......... of course there are quite some i visit on o3 regularly esp those who leave comments and the stars at o3 like forbidden, taira, anant_rulz, downtoearth, libran girl and so many .
The below are a few out there which are kind of very interesting to me and i enjoy reading them.

http://socialpariah.blogspot.com

My absolute personal favourite when i want to read some touching stuff........pity she's not updating it these days since new year.She writes in an abstract manner and such short phrases and i love em.I mean i wish i could write so much in such few words....i just pile em up i think.Many Many short earlier posts that are almost poetic.

http://amitsmusings.rediffblogs.com/

Like quite some of the cartoons he puts up and the quotes and other stuff....has a great fondness for blonde jokes though.....but well.....let that be.

http://midnightmare.blogspot.com

Came across this blog somehow about a Mother teresa post.I myself am not into charity and dont really like her philosophy.I mean is keeping people alive, just alive the motto, i always wondered.
Anyway he really wrote some tirade against her which i guess was correct .
His posts are mostly anti something but neverthless i enjoy them because i too always feel anti something or the other so much i guess.
Then his thing for and against girls/women is i guess common to all guys.
But while in general most posts have a pompous feel to it and many i dont agree at all and some i agree too much,
i neverthless like the guy's writing...quite individualistic.Most people i thought never think of others who never have it good because this worlds fixed thinking but i really liked the way he wrote "In a Group, I'm Individual..." post.
Then unlike most others who write so much about our country the state of affairs, knowing they themselves cant do anything or dont do he simply confesses what i too proclaim that i just dont have the solution and i m too selfish maybe.

http://www.arz000n.com
Very recently discovered by me and have just read a few of them and they really get you to laugh.Proclaims himself bizzare by default...not sure if he's that bizarre and has a tendency to write pretty lot about guys thing.........but neverthless quite fun.
I generally dont like this tagging and all that but his tags give you a real much needed laugh.But what takes the cake is i finally found someone who cribs as much as me in fact in a much funny way about the IT offices and all the freaky clients and HR and management.