I n my Messed up perspective

Today was another of those all depressing days. Not that something terrible happened but just that that whatever happened normally made me put things in perspective and that is not very good for me at a point in life where nothings quite right.
In fact the whole thing was going on since the last month but it kind of culminated in my mind today.
Yeah its again my work..frankly what else does one have time for.I realised how ive harmed myself once again by being non competetive, unaggressive and for all i care attitude.Its the circumstances i can say but then why bother to make it seem like an excuse.I find it easy to put it onto myself sometimes.I am lazy ,i am not brave enough.Its like so much easy that way for me.
My manager and my relations seemed to have hit rock bottom before we reconciled ourselves to circumstances for the moment. But we have a review meeting today with the senior management and that kinda made me feel bad for almost everyone ,my manager ,i me myself them.its like such a mess .
Then i asked myself why just think do something and then i came back to the same old conclusion.
People who can do dont have the skills or the courage or the hard hearted focus needed to do it.People who have the skills or courage dont have the authority or the chance to do it.

My manager is a ambitious person who has good technical experience but no people understanding skills (all those self help books will not help if you do not get it that every person is different) ,had the good fortune of being at the right place at the right time and so is at a much elevated position than peers.Quite some people in our team including me are older because we did not make it in the days of the great s/w depression and also because we r weird n stupid somewhere i guess ...whatever.
The team goes on because of the sheer persistence of my manager but there is a severe lack of authority ,(which i believe is a must in a manager) and understanding that 20 people might be in a team but they are all amorphous entities and need to be handled differently.
But the tragedy is there’s no one to tell or help that person improve because the immediate sr manager is one hell of a sick person seriously demented in some way. I mean which PL will call their TL you stupid, idiot in front of a team. No wonder the TL never improves.
But where am i in all this to get upset.yeah i am .After the meeting i was somehow chatting up the TL ...and this is what it was..

Me: The stats are justified how can we expect the freshers to deliver for the client from day1.So obviously there will be some variance in effort calculations. After all they gave us the candidates just 4 days before the clients expected work start date. he asked to train them since a month.
TL: yeah but how to explain it to the senior management. this is the problem with managers.
the people below will not listen(may b me included), the people above will not listen.
I can’t run a military rule.

my_thoughts: well then what are managers....isnt it to act as an intermediatary between people up and people below.i know u cant run a military because authority is not ur cup of whatever ..it is frowning and fretting which is ur strategy.

TL: see people want to leave because they have work, they want leaves, and then tell me after saying so many times how many come on time (a direct accusation to me who is almost a bit late always)
Me:i got the barb instantly .smiled and said yeah but then you see those who come on time don’t anyway get to leave on time and neither is their extra time appreciated in anyway except may be a thank you so they are not very encouraged.
my_thoughts: well you had it coming....but i felt bad the way this person was treated in there ... i mean why are people measured by statistics which everyone who ever made a presentation or report knows are manipulated and i who made it this time did not manipulate them well enough to present the rosy pic they like. I mean they want issues presented but nothing uncomfortable ...hmm then why ask for what you cant handle.

its good for them that i am not in a good enough position to question them coz for me its a change of field and i being quite a novice here cannot challenge them.
majboori hoti hai ...at least i am ..coz im not at a point where i can take job risk.
my last rebellious experience at a previous job did bear fruit but it was too late and i gained nothing by it.
I myself am responsible for so much of this mess.Cant help it if i love to have a world beyond that job.
I mean after 10 hrs on job(11 is the max i stayed back any day...the thing is if there is equality and no team dependency i manage to do it much faster) and 3 hrs travel to and forth if i love to read , browse, listen to music and nap and of course blogs and not worry about the job ,the emails and the code and active participation to get noticed for promotion its all my fault.
Its a mess and then you come back home and find more of the personal mess. I think i am only at peace when im travelling to and forth between these messes i know the destination ,i can sit n wonder .
I read this as i post it its pathetic(i know a fornight from now i will find this post hilarious)...there was more nonsense but i m fed up so i guess but thats ok ...i m off to sleep.
There is nothing sleep does not cure me of at least partially.