Impetuous Me
I seem to have lost my senses .....if i had any i mean i guess i should become more serious and what they say responsible behavior or mature but i do myself no favor on any counts these days and it really happened bad this day...i feel so very stupid....though it seemed quite funny to all.
Well in my group of four in team who hang out together all the 3 others are freshers i.e. 2004 passouts ....i dont hang out much with the senior group whose greatest interest i.e domestic problems are too much for me to be of any use to make conversation.
So they being quite younger than me i tease them well and they take it quite well but i guess i should be more restricted and not impetuous and outspoken (i tend to become that after i stay at any place for 1 year scaring people who have seen me at the begining of the year as the quietest person around).....at least if i want to move up this damned corporate ladder (Do I is a question i often ask).
I was teasing V about a Tool called Silk she was attending training for...teased the daylights out of her calling her “Silk Silk” since morning.
So three of us were moving down by lift in the evening and i was talking about some issue with the manager and a chap got into the lift.V called my name in a way (she meant me to shut up completely...she said later)and i thought we had to switch topic and i started teasing her immediately again “Silk Silk” and that too with a accent and raised eyebrows.
The guy simply walked out with a smile saying “you wanna learn come......”
I was left perplexed....V was like “o god u r impossible....He ‘s a Sr Manager and the only chap here who has any knowledge of Silk Tool”.
I really wanted to leave for the day......i hate coincidences...i was sure.....feeling sick of myself.

Respect i think comes hard to me... u’ve to earn it.. I mean i cant just respect someone because he has a designation or because he’s a few years older.... neither do i expect people to respect me just coz i am older or have..... some position.
Its a old problem with me ...quite old.
Actually i got a dressing down in school class VIII with respect to this...My English teacher asked me to stand up one day and told me in front of the whole class....
” you should learn manners ...you should say good morning to your teachers when you see them outside the class”...i knew she wanted that but was stunned to be told that in class.
I have this problem will not say hi and good morning for formality sake....I do try to get over it esp in this corporate world but it does not come naturally to me....have to remember and have eye contact then i say it.....just saying hi with not even a glance is not my cuppa tea.
Its the same here at office in our small coffee room with a platform on which we perch i just keep sitting whoever walks in while all my respectful company will stand up to attention....when the PL walks in....never any Good mornings or Goodbyes unless its a direct communication or eye contact.
I sometimes dont even acknowledge the presence of some people(currently my PL after my awful pay discussion) ............sometimes because i am uncomfortable ....sometimes because i prefer it that way and sometimes because I am at a loss of any sane look, word or expression.I have that block...whatever such a block is called.

So all day i was pondering .......
As it is i am left behind in this race..As it is i am not suited to this corporate hypocrisy but.....if....and all that
“i should be more serious ....always look like at work even i have none.
Take serious trainings.....not discussions as i call them.............Give lectures about the importance of this that........beleive in it or not”
and all that senior person fundas....but then i guess with time i’ll get over it......
back to square one “ Who the heck cares ”.....thats my natural instinct i think.
I realise i just am not into it......i am a mess and no solution i could find....till now at least..................if it was not for money and if i could get some help and luck on it i’d be happy with a flower or a book shop..........i think.

(I so want to put these quotes at my desk but then thats all i will need to be told why my pay packet is light.....so i put them on my blog)

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”.....

Absolutely Absolutely i say.......but what is the excuse for my stupidity i wonder...................
its becoming terrible now ....so are my posts.