A lunch and some Conversation
Sometimes i am so clueless about myself....i mean why do i end up beind such a misfit literally everywhere.I just seem to be out of place everywhere....in all groups....the liberals and the conservatives....i fit in nowwhere.
Had gone out for a lunch with some team members .I had been a part of that part of the team for a short time but since im friends anyways with that bunch i was invited even though i am no longer part of it.It was justa few of us hence conversation was not really easy.When its the whole team of 20 members lunch just passes away .....but we 3 were like a bunch of the quiet but not so quiet kind of people and the other girl is actually a very brilliant child frankly and wont cant make much serious conversation with likes of us only the movie jokes and all and with all 3 of us not south indian movie buffs she was quietest......... and most of our jokes being anti management and with the lead being the honorary invitee we could not start off on that.

At such a point waiting for the damn order when the talk about the book five point someone came up.I just said oh S youve read it.....and god what a reaction i got...."No No No its not for girls".I honestly though i was speaking of some X rated book.
I just said too late for caution..."ive read it".....and so it was lik eok so how was it....i was like yeah good ....i guess most engineer esp mechanical are the same.
So you are which branch ...Oh electrical....A says" arre god what we studied and what work we do."
But i just was left wondering whats the problem with people and what illusions they live with.I really though may be i should get the book again and see what was so strange about the book....thats not on TV or movies in your face.Agreed it was written more from a guys point of view and humor but that kind of reaction............i was left wondering why dont i just shut up and go on smiling at people's conversations.
But the way we make conversation amuses me....you ask a girl eating deep fried potatoes what you will not have anything .....dieting."What to say".
But honestly i am in such a strange mood...i mean nearly 3 of my teammmates have resigned and all around its resignation season.......even S to whom i reported to earlier is leaving for abroad......he argues too much and used to make life hell for my lead and i used to get sandwiched in between and hated it.... but he was the only guy with some courage in this whole bunch i am surrounded by .......and its like all a boring bunch of ppl left.....you know there's so much opportunity out there and you are good enough but you are pulled back due to some stuff and then to top it all around you have freshers with all stupid illusions....its so hard to get then to understand that life's all Cntrl+V and Cntrl+C.Then one of the chap who reports to me had got so used to fwding issue mails to me that he fwd some mail meant esp for the guys team and i had to endure a big sorry session.
Best amusement of the week though: What did we do in this project
A says Car, Dar and War.(Now thats process terminology and lets leave it).
War surely we are doing....

Friendships, thoughts and all nonsense

Last week was my Library day....i make a trek to the library however busy to get myself a dose of escape.....
and since i was way too tired to get anything which would tax me i opted for no technical books....honestly once you get a job i guess no one reads technical books...they are only for interviews when you have no job.
So i picked up a small poetic collection....basically its a collection of poems read on BBC's program "Something understood" ...it is based on those spiritual themes and all which i'll skip reading i guess...God's not pretty much my cuppa tea now.
It happens rarely with me but when it does i am quite amused.....
Well on thr front page of this book scrawled across in a childlike handwriting was "Page 73 and Page 107 Just Mindblowing."
Well one was the lovely Vikram Seth's poem i had posted earlier "All you who sleep tonight".
The other was just the opposite type god based i guess was ...oks "A Julian Contemplation" by Edwina Gateley.
What amused me was what inspires or rather whats on their mind when people scribble such notes in public books?

Neverthless i finally broke the jinx after 10 days and came home at 8 pm...wow gr8 and started reading the book a bit...
the friendship section had some very good thoughts and reminded me of a discussion with a friend.It was in reply to a Fwd: i mailed .

I hope my copying from the mails isnt an issue :)
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FWD :How Friends Break ?
Both Friends will think the other is busy and will not contact thinking it may be disturbing. As time passes both will think let the other contact. After that each will think why should I contact first. Here ur love will be converted to Hate. Finally without contact the memory becomes weak. They forget each other. One fine Day they will meet n blame one another. So Keep in touch with all your Friends.
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Reply:
yeah that's true
may be thats y friends break but one question i ask is is really friend ship that way meaning does lack of contact reduce interest?
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Re:reply
It was just a fwd but neverthless good thoughts but contact does make a difference --- not to friendship that was --- but keeping up friendship with time.As we go on no contact means we only have memories no understanding of their current scenario , and sharing of thoughts or whatever and that is what defines a good friendship is it not?
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So when i read the below something spoken by a very old friend of MArk Tully D'Arcy O'Farrell.......
i felt as is always with me..."Someone Understood"....probably why i love books.

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So often friendships wither and love grows cold because the initial excitement wears off and we do not persevere in deepening the relationship.It can only deepen by living through the duller moments, by arguing out the inevitable
differences and overcoming the distances too, as D'Arcy suggests.

"You must keep in contact with people and you must make some sort of effort.Its no use sitting around and waiting for the other fellow to come to y ou.And there's sometimes an element of sacrifice; you've got to be prepared to put things aside for your friend, somethings that perhaps, superficially , you'd rather be doing.If someone you're really close to wants to see you, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your own plans to be with them.
I think there is so much change and newness in life now, compared to when we were young, its much easier to have superficial friendships with people and then forget about themwhen you pass onto the next set.So i think it has become harder to retain and develop friendships because of the pace of life, but having said that, real friendship is a great rarity in life, and always has been."
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To end the post some nice lines from the book...more from it later

"They that love beyond the world ,
cannot be seperated by it.
Death cannot kill what what never dies"

William penn

Hope they dont sound too morose..................but i somehow dont feel morose
about death.....I always think if it weren't for death there would be no escape....from the mess of life.......
thank god this will end surefire..........i feel when i think of death.But i guess thats for my ownself.....its not great to imagine it for whom you care for.
Now what to title this post as??....writing is not much difficult ....hardest is the title for me. they are so losely connected topics all in one post...............i scribble all nonsense....nah type(i hate typing and my typing is the greatest amusement of my team mates......but imagine i write so long a post when i hate typing if a post could be scribbled i'll write triple the length i guess)

Ah what a week if you can call something sugar coated  bitter pill this week  i got a full dosage of it.

I mean i walk in on Monday and i am called in by the manager.....ah hmm ....hmm see we think the technical team has less work and so we plan to  remove a resource from it and i understand your concern but i want you to take over the Functional team as a Sr person ....its known as the contact layer in our organisation( the ppl who report to the Team lead.).Since the growth path deems that you look at the next role this is how it will be ...i am so happy to tell that 3 engineers will report to you(My thoughts: great  ab teen log mujhko gaali dena shuru karenge....basically what it means is you have to do your work and worry about getting work done by others too .....more importantly lie to them better about what i lie to you is what was meant ).

 

I cant say no because i am not some brilliant technical person..............just an above avg in technical (though this project does not even need average )........but this is kind of a sudden change.

I am fine with management but what is troubling is this move will help me nowhere if i dont stick with this org for next 2 or 3 years which i dont want....the environment here gets to me.I have my reasons why i am in this soup...past never becomes past.To move out of this org i must be in Technical but how do you refuse a promotion now esp if you not brilliant in Technical.That is called trapping and the did it well.

The thing is there was a new proj and with one senior person moving there and the other resigning i had to do it......and its being shown as a favor to me......

 

Anyway some things come back to haunt you.....well the nickname  by which we call this contact layer was started by ME.........life comes in circles.....and now all my bunch of colleagues and friends call me and say so you are the new.........

Its no use .....just a name and i have to more work...if it was purely managing i know how  it can be done and enjoyed but suddenly making your peers and friends who helped you  answerable to you is not such a fun idea. But people at this place are not bothered about such things........

 

That ended the story of my “to heck with it life” and from next day stay back late and slog it out life started and now we have to work the weekend. My protest is given such beautiful answers and i was left reading between the lines.

:We are trying for more resources with Sr management(since....since oh since eternity ......with no success)

: This happens whnever we start a new cycle(hmm and this will continue..... because we only want business first)

: This is common in IT...things are dynamic.... we cant plan...(ok great then why do talk of CMM and planning and waste hours on meetings)

: Change is inevitable(Oh yeah ... then why when we say i want to change this boring project and get in where i can learn something more you say.......”.no... no see how xxx is in this proj from 18 months she's never complained”)

:Get me the numbers to convince the management to need more resources........they think people are not working eight hours(referrring to coffee room discussions)

: See this happens take this as a Challenge(i could only stare..... working n copy pasting 100 times more by staying back late and working weekends  is a challenge??? but as i came out of the meeting room my friend answered it to me......working weekends is a burden not a challenge...tell that .Of course the guys have their own jokes....so they asked me to get the Thums up from the canteen and put it there.....Take the challenge. )

Definition of challenge in mid size IT company or at least my current project is: As many hours work the client gives finish it on time with whatever you have.

Then there are friends ah friends.....

Scene1:

They say  Coffe chalen....

I say lemme finish this mail..........

hmm ok so maam has been promoted no time for coffee............

Scene 2:

They say Cofee chalen

I say chalo..(2 mins waiting)

Come nah u said coffee

ok ok we know u r now senior and hence are free while others work

 

Really i am having some time of this....................

At the end of the day all of then do tell me and that is heartfelt i know......come on why are you still here at 8.30 pm........you of all the people.............

 

But the most amusing moment was the only fresher a new joinee assigned to me..........

“Maam i am leaving”

(Ok gr8 and pls pls stop this Maam thing)

“Hmm Maam do we have to be here by sharp 9.30 morning.”

I could only LOL any other day....i wanted to say with me its more like sharp 6.30(evening of course).I just smiled and so did all who knew me.........."sharp 9.30" ..........me huh....i wanted to tell him that line

The trouble with being punctual is there will be no one esp ME to appreciate it.

Then i come home after my torrid protest of working weekend and my mom says “What you are working weekend”.......but you can’t.Perplexed...........i ask why...........she says ive arranged a puja....and you must be present ........

but why did you not tell me.... (the answer left me feel crushed.............ah god)

“Its been quite so long since you worked on weekend.” so i thought .............you’d be there.

I could only wonder and wonder ........about being taken for granted all the places.

 

Good Friday Huh.........

Few moments of sheer joy and then a day of agony ,recriminations ,accusations seems is what i ended up with on this friday what i hoped would be a good friday.For those two hours it felt blissful as i lay on the cool floor as music played happily....Tere Ghar Ke Samne (its quite nice this song i like to hum it a lot) and more......I really love listening to music all alone at home..........esp those old songs my fav....... with mom and sis around its never the same.

It was nice really nice and i guess and that was all nice for the day and quite some time to come.
I just wondered how is this relaxation and happiness bad compared to going to some damn temple with fumes and what not ......bizzare repetition of some verses and that too in such noisy manner(some of them make it so much shrill)......but i guess i am unable to convince anyone around.
I dont know of love but Faith is blind.....no issues with it till i am not forced into it.....but people with relegious faith are never content with themselves being blind they want others for company.
To enjoy by yourself is sin and every moment no one will leave you alone lest you commit this sin of loving your own company.....and be lost to their world.Sane arguments are a waste in such case.....they only elicit more stubborn blind faith and emotional ekta kapoor scenes.Now one's worried about my going blind with the time i spend at my PC.....well they dont mind if it was at work but at home.What pays is a different story....thats one faith most beleive in .

Its ever the same with my ever awaited holidays.I wish i was back to my office where honestly i dont care....i may complain crib but nothing or no one there matters much...its infinitely easy you feel when such things happen.
There one amusing thing i noticed last month....a new word was commonly being used for me by both my manager and my colleagues.Everytime they kind of tell me....its ok ....."Dont Panic".Huh i think ....what makes them think i'll panic about this project.....then again i think do i really look so dedicated and tense and that people take it that way way....when my basic feeling is whocares.
Then i was left wondering .....Dilbert epitomises our offices.....what does that for our homes.
I shudder to think may be ..... Ekta Kapoor's serials....

The world of reality has its limits.....sadly

I was kind of lost.............and did not know what to do as i sat at my PC....to stay away from it means other kind of troubles in this closed up house.So i just sat down staring at it till my screensaver came up a huge slideshow of all my hopeless collection of flowers and trees from the net.There are two pictures of two trees starkly different one with bright white flowers which i adore and one deep orange leaves, both i love and as they looped through i kept imagining standing beneath those trees....and looking up at the......it seemed lovely the illusion.



But in reality i found a tree with yellow flowers(reality is always different hmmmm) hanging down all over the tree near my office.I literally sat below it and looked up and i saw the lovely flowers and those bunch of fleas in there too and i got scared of them getting into my eyes and lenses and got away.Then i started wondering...may be thats the problem with me ....i see more reality than i wish to see.That is why i guess Jean Jacques Rousseau said
"The world of reality has its limits; the world of imagination is boundless. "

This is one of those Classic poems from Vikram Seth,.....actually its the title poem of that book."All you who sleep Tonight"....It was long since i opened the book...i just enjoy glancing at it and playing my games of randomly opening pages.Since its long since a poem was posted by me and i am in no mood to write anything poetic ...... i'm like more in mood to write some thing caustic but let it be.So i thought of putting t his poem here.Words can be woven so beautifully or is it thoughts can be transformed so wonderfully i think as i read his poems.
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All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -
Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.

-- Vikram Seth
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Objective: Weekend

Sometimes when i think of my objective just before starting work in week i realise its thesame thing since i started working....the weekend.
Earlier i used to think it was a BPO job and the timings are odd so i need my sleep ........but now in one of those IT jobs its the same always the same......
Earlier i thought it was this company may be but slowly i realise it may be the same else where........
There are few days when things are kinda cool and times when you feel some people are really friends and not colleagues and when on weekends you get bored you wish you were at office making fun of clients and management.............but they are oh so rare weekends.

The last week was very hectic......appraisals were out and people were upset or were being upset by others upset and work was made a direct variable of the pay ....... at least every conversation smirked of it.It was a terrible week and never wanted the weekend more.......i deliberately planned to lock myself in esp what with summer in full swing....i even did not read a book i was so tired.............in fact all i did for two days was i guess sleep and post to my blog........the whole infighting had taken good toll on my sleep.

I start every Monday aiming for Friday....
Every Monday morning its always like the Dicor ad which will remain my Fav for very long(I do want to quit every Monday...... )
Its not like i have some great weekend parties or get together or any such happening things.
Its just that i need a respite from hating what i do i guess.....
What if you are good at what you hate and average at what you love?
I'm still wondering..........

A few of my favs

I dont browse blogs all that much as much as i'd want to these days because whatever time i can find off work im so self absorbed in writing about me ,my work and such nonsense .
Just thought of listing the very few of the blogs that i frequent see again its about me......... of course there are quite some i visit on o3 regularly esp those who leave comments and the stars at o3 like forbidden, taira, anant_rulz, downtoearth, libran girl and so many .
The below are a few out there which are kind of very interesting to me and i enjoy reading them.

http://socialpariah.blogspot.com

My absolute personal favourite when i want to read some touching stuff........pity she's not updating it these days since new year.She writes in an abstract manner and such short phrases and i love em.I mean i wish i could write so much in such few words....i just pile em up i think.Many Many short earlier posts that are almost poetic.

http://amitsmusings.rediffblogs.com/

Like quite some of the cartoons he puts up and the quotes and other stuff....has a great fondness for blonde jokes though.....but well.....let that be.

http://midnightmare.blogspot.com

Came across this blog somehow about a Mother teresa post.I myself am not into charity and dont really like her philosophy.I mean is keeping people alive, just alive the motto, i always wondered.
Anyway he really wrote some tirade against her which i guess was correct .
His posts are mostly anti something but neverthless i enjoy them because i too always feel anti something or the other so much i guess.
Then his thing for and against girls/women is i guess common to all guys.
But while in general most posts have a pompous feel to it and many i dont agree at all and some i agree too much,
i neverthless like the guy's writing...quite individualistic.Most people i thought never think of others who never have it good because this worlds fixed thinking but i really liked the way he wrote "In a Group, I'm Individual..." post.
Then unlike most others who write so much about our country the state of affairs, knowing they themselves cant do anything or dont do he simply confesses what i too proclaim that i just dont have the solution and i m too selfish maybe.

http://www.arz000n.com
Very recently discovered by me and have just read a few of them and they really get you to laugh.Proclaims himself bizzare by default...not sure if he's that bizarre and has a tendency to write pretty lot about guys thing.........but neverthless quite fun.
I generally dont like this tagging and all that but his tags give you a real much needed laugh.But what takes the cake is i finally found someone who cribs as much as me in fact in a much funny way about the IT offices and all the freaky clients and HR and management.

I hate formatting:

Seems like last whole week i am doing just that be it at office or at blogger....and i am sick of it.

I mean whom to blame microsoft or all else seem nearly same.
What you format in Word once you paste in outlook it messes up and with managers and clients finicky about tabs and spaces its like one hell of a sick thing.
You reply to a mail and the bullets misbehave.....and my patient colleague just sits up up removes all the spaces......while i feel stupid...yeah i know how to remove spaces but its so irritating......backspace a line and color changes....font changes........
Then they call it WYSIWYG.(What you see is what you get)it should be "WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU DONT WANNA SEE"
You feel sick.....ahhhh i love notepad honestly..........
Then you come home and try to edit stuff on blogger the font i have on one of them is too small....i increase the size and the template i preferred gets messed up ...you've to scroll a mile to see the topmost post.....it took an hour to try setting it .....and the power goes off....fed up and left it at the minute font.

Self Hate/Pity/blah blah

I hate it and i hate it big time but i did it cause there was no other way i could think to be done.....just lied about my raise....now i am no absolute truth speaking paragon but i guess in most places speaking truly gets you a good sleep...you neednt worry about the next lie.

Whenever i feel i have some great need to lie i use a "no info or confused kind" of thing rather than outright lie.But to lie about figures is bad.....there no way out damn.What do i say i did not get 5 means 8 huh.Now the real raise is known to two people whom i can call friends in an office scenario and in general to an extent....How much i trust them ....not really and if they blow it well hmm nothing will happen but i'll lose my credibilty with my peers..... all to save a sick piece of management.Its disgusting to live through it....and it affects my sleep .....a sin my life.

It more like a poem i had posted somewhere on my blogfrom "An Irish Airman forsees his death" by Yeats."
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;"

All because i started off on the wrong foot in my career.As i was drowning in self pity and also pepping myself up i mused sometimes people can be really cruel.
A colleague of mine had a break in her career after marriage and hence resumed her career as a fresher.Hence pay is less.Now while introducing her in the team after the general stuff my Sr manager ......prompted her on and on tell tell how you got in here.She was brave enough to report it and he got off with an apology but such people dont change they simply cover up tracks and wear better masks.
All this brought me on to something...there was so much about ethics hiring firing etc in the papers recently which i think is all very good but then that is if its implemented completely and thoroughly which is not the case.Equal opportunity irrespective of without regard to race, gender, age, color, ............which is hardly the truth.

May be the intentions are good but i can say surely that the way they are implemented in this country by our people are hardly close to honorable....more so in our wonderful indian companies which love to use thesame lines but alas they never hire the managers who can implement it.I dont rant about this as a employee but also because i happen to have a HR at home who gives a very pretty inside view of the HR world.
Once what was called as recommendation is now called as reference was the punchline.

Anyway may be later more i am not in a good mood at all.There was more stuff on the weekend but let it be...i am not even in a mood to write anymore.

All this after i dragged myself to the damn office thinking of the quote "Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ''I'm with you kid. Let's go.''
Yeah we went and it sucks where i have been.