Some Tickly observations

This weekend seems to be dissapearing nowhere lazily browsing around and and wondering at the ironies.
On the eve of India's WC match i casually said arre ab bangladesh ke saath dekhna bore hoga...my sister remarked instantly "how dare u say that about india. They treat everyone equally" .
When around the 20th over i switch off the TV confirmed about the disaster awaiting and say to her u should be careful about speaking all my sister has to say is "indian hun indians ko jaanti hun" hmmmmm
During the 1994 World cup i remembered during the time when semi final matchups were not clear my friend had remarked arre if its Srilanka in the Semi Final then cup is sure fire India's . Haaaa we still remember that line....never again anyone spoke as such for Sri lanka.
Just as SriLanka was in those days nurtured by India slowly... so are Bangladesh too being nurtured into International Cricket by India...Definitely.

Tickle's been huge fun at times for me and i sort of agree quite a bit...esp on stuff i wouldn't admit easily like this one
What Are You Afraid Of?
you are most afraid of moving forward
This means that your fears are strongest when it comes to change, success, or personal commitment. When you are afraid of moving forward, you are allowing yourself to stagnate in your comfort zone.
This fear may manifest in myriad ways, but at its center is the sense that you're either unwilling or unable to get to the next level in life. You may have grown up feeling that good is always followed by bad. Or perhaps you subscribe to the belief that what goes up must come down. Whatever the reason, when things are going well — or even just all right — you would probably prefer to maintain the status quo than to take a risk. You might fear that one false move could take away all the happiness and security that you've worked for. You may also simply be afraid of facing the unknown. When forces outside of you push you to change, your tendency can be to become overwhelmed or to stay in denial.
Love or money
When it comes to love or money, you're a Romantic Realist
Love over money is a no-brainer for you because you're a Romantic Realist. But no matter how smitten you are, you know love doesn't pay the bills.
Your monthly budget, diversified portfolio, and penchant for bargains may sound predictable, but it doesn't mean you're not afraid to take a risk every now and then. Whether it's your new leather pants or that brooding stranger in the corner, you are entitled to your treats. But for you, true love is a long-term investment that has nothing to do with the trust funds and everything to do with trust.

Oh well some common wishes

well I happened to mention to someone that i have lots of materialistic wishes left and hence not
yet feel like charity . ...which required an explanation......
Well actually i am quite uncharitable why will be a seperate post.

So as they say time changes everything so here for this time what i think are my materialistic
wishes.
Firstly i ask myself am i materialistic ....well not exactly i know
but i wish i was ...life is so simple that way.

I am soo swayed by emotions ......and to have it my hearts way if i can which is mostly never
i try swinging it using all logic...thats the way i seem to have become these days.

Materialism if if only if that were the only thing is so simple and defined.

Anyways what is materialism ...is it being money oriented...Well lets put it my way as of today.
Its not money that is loved...its is the sheer ease of life it brings in so many ways especially
in a country like ours.
Money buys you the most inavaluable thing of all "TIME"
of course more so if dont spend the time earning it...huh sadly its not so in my case.

Money allows you to hire a cook a maid and hence time and energy saved.
Money allows you travel with ease esp if you dont even have to drive again time saved.

Actually money even saves you the trouble of being charitable...they just deduct a small part
from your salary and you are contributing to charity(How terrible can corporate culture
get....if ur not interested remove your name from list on the intranet....huh as if one is going
to do that )

Now in the Time saved if you love to doze off or watch prettier things in this world instead of
making this world a better place done by charitable people in that time saved you are
MATERIALISTIC i guess .

All the materialistic things specifically i can think of is a lovely house which i wish to spend
a lifetime filling with all the pretty little things i love to shop around.

I used to have this dream of a very small house with a very big garden...with the real estate
prices the way it is its sooo far off. Hard to own an apartment forget a house with garden wellllll.

I'd love to just wander and travel all around the world....or live in some nice beautiful cottage
in the flowery hills(ok thats a straong Ruskin Bond stories influence)......
and this needs money yeah yeah you can go around the world in just a few dollars or whatever but
i mean for real without looking like a freak which needs what MONEY.
Money means you avoid nosy neighbors , colleagues who need explanation of what and why
where you come and go and offending them is a strict no no due to family and that extended
family called Office.

I dont add my absolute crazy idea of owning books almost like a library with glass shelves
ahhhhhh...this just doesnt seem materialistic in anyway ...books cant be associated with
materialism no not in my mind.
And anyway i will fulfill that dream anyway one day though with my progressive myopia(Doctors
they are the most scary people in this world to me with the terms they hand to me) how much i
will be able to use them by then is another thought.
But i trust in science as well miracles so that should be just fine.


Of course to each their own .......
My sister really beat me to it when after quitting her job standing at the balcony she said.”You see that building i m sure that is a office stupid people why did they not build it fast so that i could have tried a job here...i'd have worked for a few bucks less. So nice so near to our house.
Come home for lunch have a sleep and go....kya life hotaa..
I dreamt of this since school days when schoolmates living behind school used to go for lunch.”
The kids been as lazy since ages then its proved....but she made a wise choice unlike me
HR is the place to be for such wonderful dreamers like her.

Weekend Browsing around

I have a very good habit... whenever i have to meet a friend and then
plan how to spend the time i usually prefer to set the meeting point at
a bookstore or mall with a bookstore. It saves me a hell lot of
impatience and irritation with my friends because most of them are
lazier than me and never come on time. Rather than calling them and
asking them to hurry up or feeling bad about being stupid to turn up on
time and wait...i actually make myself so comfortable in the bookstore
that even if they don't turn up my day has been well spent.

Such was the case this weekend. As i browsed around the bookstore...it has been long actually this time...since my last visit to a bookstore.

So i looked up all the new books ...i always try following a pattern but thats about it TRY. my eyes sort of never want to do it so methodically...they love an absolute quick scan and then wander around to their interests. Books with lovely covers...interesting themes or reviews i'd read about.
The new cricket world cup book shaped like a ball and such stuff in new arrivals.

I also have this so very queer habit of a very stupid game i play with myself. Close your eyes and open a page and whats the first word or line you glance(I used to try this on the dictionary at home earlier). Anyways a book which has been praised a lot i guess i will look it up some day is " The Last Song of Dusk ' by Siddharth Dhanvant Sanghvi...I'm delaying it mostly because it seems so exotic but i tried my little fun on this book there.

It was a lovely line which i read goes something like the below...i've forgotten the exact line
" may be thats what Innocence was meant for - to be lost and may be that is how love essentially is - something to be longed for "

I guess i agreed quite a lot and liked it enough to decide to read the book at the first chance .

Then for the moment i started off reading "Inspite of Gods" in there...again a interesting book...i mean even the title is nice Inspite of....

You really have to know Indians and India well to use that word INSPITE ...they succeed inspite of all oh so many things....not because of them...though after success we always say the reverse....."that it is the GOD ...that it is the well wishers and good intentions of all and sundry".

Hmm finally i wandered off sometime into the Glass and candles and such artifacts segment...my favorite. I do love clear glass and all the shapes its moulded into..something again i feel crazy about with no specific definition.
God bless those people who once in a while let you wander in peace without that wonderful gesture " May i help you ".

Then at last arrives my friend and she just has to ask hows life and i start off all the dramatic stories of my professional pains.
Finally i realise we had met actually to discuss her side of the story and so i keep my mouth shut and she tells her tale....ah well its the same with a different twist.
Then we wander off into a artifacts expo and i feel like immersing all my hurt in the beauty of the oh so many lovely things and i shop...well i look more than i shop...and its a torture for my company at such places...she inevitably says...you are worse than me at such shopping.

I advise her to leave for the day ...as i'll spend some more time...she's so nice not to leave me but i oh so wish she did...as we leave half way through.
My sister at home adds the perspective to it. well your friends dont know you love to wander off and browsing/shopping all alone and so may be she'd have been imagining how bad it feels to leave a friend and go and hence did not go but you have such strange ways. Ummm yeah.

This year though is gonna be very lonely i had though at the begining and it sure seems to be going on the same way.Friends move on to different places...different worlds...i'm moving on ...
or rather should move on.

Not all who wander are lost....not all who are lost wander i guess

I am amazed at people who remember every joke from movies seen decade ago and actually it seems the only timepass for quite some....an evergreen rehash of the jokes esp in regional cinema. I feel inadequate to comment on this being good or bad them but yeah a whole of them are not to my taste. I mean relating every thing in life to some movie comedian.
I saw some last hour of this movie and well it was a nice one of a different era. What i remember
is though some of the last lines of the movies. rarely do i remember dialogues from movies or
even books. Some just strike a chord......and just stay on.
One was this from the movie "Monalisa Smile"

Not all who wander are aimless
"I've heard her called a quitter for leaving......an aimless wanderer. But not all who wander are aimless. Especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition...... beyond definition..... beyond the image."

Re-read this again and considering my aimless feeling it sort of touches.I deny that i seek some
great truth or want to make a difference but yes i wander in my own spheres of mind,aimlessly in
this very sharp aiming world for some reason something beyond my words.......some thing that i
seek out beyond what seems traditionally perfect..it is not selfless...in fact it is something
very selfish.At least ive been very clear on that in the past few years of my life.Yeah i seek to wander out but when i cant in reality i seem to wander in my mind and hence have been aimless.
Anyways that led me to the original quote...thats the charm of google for me
All that is gold does not glitter,
not all those who wander are lost;

Another very nice point i pondered upon......

Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's
self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance,
learn so easily; and why older persons, especially if vain or important, cannot learn at all.-Thomas Szasz,author, professor of psychiatry

Why even even the best after a point stagnate.Self esteem's not a bad thing to have unlike a
super ego but for learning further yes even self esteem may be need to be sacrificed at some
time......only point here remains how much and of what you are willing to learn.Ignorance can be bliss in oh so many cases....Learning is painful.
Choices...its all our choices....
to be meek, nice to others and lose oneself...to be kind and get pained....
to be brave for oneself and may be hurt others.......
to give up a lifetime's peace for a moments charm.....
to give up own dream for a chance to be a part of someone's dream.......
to wander...to lose....to be aimless.

Hyper emotional day

You tell yourself that you’re professional

You’ll take things in your stride

You seen quite enough of corporate workplace/jargon

You’ve gotta give it straight to them

And yet if you’re emotional

You just are it

After a whole range of self motivating nonsense

You know it when you almost

Have a lump in the throat due to being upset during an appraisal meeting.

No one knows and would know that its actually an after effect of

The messy past week in my life and not this bloody appraisal discussion.

But heck why did it have to be triggered at that moment.

Probably that’s why I don’t practice this useless nonsense of telling myself all’s gonna be well when it isn’t.

It all comes off pouring out at all the wrong moment and then you seem so stupid and vulnerable.

I hate myself 2 hrs after being in those ultra emotional moments. But it’s the way I’m wired. Too old for change….But aren’t old people supposed to get calmer and have a hold on their emotions. Hmmmmmm

Areas of improvement: Positivity among many more

Sure Sure I need it because if had that honestly I doubt I would have been sitting there, I ‘d have gone out and found a positive response but I lived on with my fears my negativity …not that the events in the past week have helped me be any more positive.

But I hate myself …… heck how could I be so like deeply hurt and emotional….talking with people whose business is to be unemotional in the most emotional way.

Reasons

After my fiasco's in the past month of useless strain and much more
everyday rigmarole at home of being good for nothing ....except hanging on with the PC

You need a reason to live....is thrown at me indirectly esp at home..... you need to be good something or at least strive relentlessly
for being that ...after all trying is what matters say people.

Ok so what you are good at is what i ask myself.....
Well ummm being good at nothing disqualifies you for life is it???

I am working for a living or to secure a living when i probably wont

even be able to do that...there's nothing i love about it.

No i never wanted to be great anything...engineer/team

member/friend/wife/mother/friend/daughter
not even a great writer if you ask me as much as i love books.

I dont want to be at the center or at the front bench anywhere
dont want to be noticed , commemded and such.
I dont want to leave any footprints on the face of this world...if

possible i want to erase mine.
I have no grand dreams....no vison of transforming this world.

And yet i live....

Sound Monstrous well almost...

A reason to live...is what i am supposed to look at

Well i've tried some but what do you do when you just don't feel like

them.
Do self hypnosis like...no i want to be great...
i will be good employee/daughter/citizen this / that...thats

ridiculous..its like the same high people i guess feel having some some

drugs....i am wonderful kind of feeling
why manipulate what you feel.....

I am what I am
Why do we need reasons.......
is whats beyond me ..........
but well so many things are way beyond me

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Anyways a beautiful line i remembered from somewhere

Mana ki is jahan ko na gulzar kar sake
Kuch khar kam to kar gaye guzre jidhar se hum

[ Accepted that i could not make this world a beatiful flower garden

but did decrease the no of thorns on the path i walked ]

A few notes to remember

You just know it when you had a disastrous interview .....
Well at least i do .....
....they were quite nice....i was like terrible

Well neverthless i needed it....
it was a reminder
go where you are good at....
not where its good to be.

I attended another which was kinda better but i simply lost it at the end as the requirements did not match the expectation and the resume. They dug up the skill set too much.
6 yrs ago difference between abstract class and interfaces was like u could speak half asleep....now its like i blanked out.I remembered it while returning in the auto.

As it is i lack memory and these thing simply blow me over...
its dead hard to memorize the simplest things....
even the code to click a button.....ha ha ha.

Also i remembered that however good something might have been they dont last....Nothing lasts forever....not even Sidney sheldon....whatever.

And when things arent good just drift....
it doesnt help to fight with a retarded memory and mental agony.

So now that after this disaster i,m home taking a leave
what do i do...make notes of this kind post em and do what ....


Hmmm like
its been so long since i blogged a piece in general that i like rather than my sob stories

Lets think of some better things

This would be the last world cup of probably my generation....STARS at least.. i still have that Outlook issue from college days almost 2 world cups back i guess or less. One with Sourav Sachin and Dravid as Trinity.....Ha Haaa how things've changed...and how i have...i still have not seen the schedule completely this time aur ek zamana thaa ki i almost had it by heart.


Its been sooo tiring this nonsense of trying to memorize code that its been soo long since i read what i love .....Fiction.
So go open that bulkiest of bulk books by Vikram Seth which i read once a whole week sitting in the library of a university i enrolled for PG diploma in communcation .And relive that fursat ke din.....well not fursat may be but well you could make time.

Uncertain Times Certainly...

Ok well things have gone as haywire and yet as fearfully expected.The fears come true so dont fear them hmmm is that what it is ….ahhhh whatever.

In There i used to be like the center of most happenings at work…and i said i am fed up being surrounded by same set and at center and moved in here……. a perfect novice ….appearing actually more quiet , unsocial, strange than i actually am(of course relativity is a factor everywhere).

I seem to be nowhere and noone. Well not bad for me cause i am not very fond of being at the center in general its always been the backstage and backbenches that interested me. Only problem is if you want the money out here they say get on stage… and play along…and well now actually it is the only issue .
Now i know all who knew me in there where i stayed due to my inertia problem would say why did you give it up all and go there to start from a scratch…see this is what would happen…as if i had not contemplated it. I sure foresaw it and still made the choice.
I dont like it here nor do they like me in here.Cool…but well i thought lets see how it goes but then on friday they gave me a good excuse to move me into somewhere still new…AArgh.
Firstly for 2 yrs i never moved and now in 2 weeks …2 new places for me….huh. Not that i mind yet….till i see what the workload is like.
But the greatest tragedy on my resume is this….i am in such dilemma …which shall i put on it for the interview.
Unlike others who are good at either A /B/C. I am just familiar with all A and B and C but expert in none coz never got to work real time full fledged on any more than 2 weeks basic ramp up. So should i go for an interview fo A /B /C. Or may be just play along with these put her here / there game.

Though i must say she put it elegantly….

“you see in the x proj there is a crunch need and they want some one commited(i.e stupid to stay stuck for two yrs in same place) and i was asked how are you i said she’s very good and all”

All this was said in 5 seconds like rapid fire so that shows how it was meant . I was too quiet for my new hyperactive and ever food loving lead. Added to it i continue to hang out with my old friends from my different project a floor away and hence not mingling greatly with the team…. “a team that eats together esp snacks stays together” is the theme .

I though essentially beleive its my fault…i did not go simply because the bunch was a group of lucky freshers …they got a great technical project while starting off so very glum and surprised anyone who’s not familiar with their technology is suddenly senior engineer.

More importantly too investigative kind….i mean i honestly don’t know how to fend off such people at work or rather people with whom you are supposed to get along with.

I am new here and need help getting around with what are called known issues in projects s o i need to get along with people who’ve been here long enough to know the known issues. Now i have this lovely girl…very smart and investigative out of college a year ago and here’s the blantant drill she gave me with her demanding and coyish smile.

She:Are you a ASE or a SE

Me:I am an SSE

She:Uhu …since when are you here…..Oh so what is your salary

Me:xxxx

She:Oh so when did you have you appraisal, how much did you join for

Me:xyz

She;Oh so You had experience in other company too before ..oh where was it,how may appraisals you had then.

Me:Er wait i have to finish this …will talk later

In 2 minutes flat she got info off me so blatantly…i mean normal circumstances no one could even have dared ask me such questions directly….but such is what happens when you are supposed to gel in a team .

Thus i am glad if i am looked upon as unsocial and quiet and one who leaves on time. Out here they love the office and works a great excuse…most of them leave together…what bonding.

Now all this is cool with me …if only if only…….. all this would not affect the only reason i work at this software hell….my paycheck. Heck it does and so i want a way out….which way is the problem as i mentioned above A/B/C.

Things seem bleak now though……i remind myself the way i am wired i dont remember liking any place since school itself when its new….and remember all good things 6 months later. Thats the only solace.

So very fed up kind of mood that even did not feel like shopping but just went along with sis taking leave early at office once i heard of my new confusions there and what ho i got tickets somehow just on a hunch for “honeymoon travels.” Well not a bad movie though there’s hardly any story its more like an introduction of all the couples…it was a nice concept if only they wanted to tell a story.

What anyway felt great was that we got the direct bus home instantly after the movie…no wait… and well what a releif that can be.

And then i laze around on weekend worrying about all stuff and end the weekend with this post staring into a very uncertain week ahead.

Incoherent Lines .....

What do you write when you can never write coherent phrases or sarcastic lines or cynical venom . You end up writing some strange poetry beyond your own understanding at times and sometimes its like silence.
One wishes silence could last.

At times i used to look at certain abstract paintings and wonder …
heck does even the painter know whats he had in mind
when he painted it.

It is at such times that i either don’t listen to music or listen to the loudest incoherent music….then i wonder may be that why so many people most of the time prefer loud blaring incoherent music.
They just want to forget…

I wish i could too ….
I wish i could learn to compromise…
“Compromise is the end of dreams”
I wish the dreams end
Or do i ???

Anxiety, Hope, Despair….over choices

Its again one of those times anxiety is like my top priority .Added to it i am not sure what to be happy about and what sad.
Finally I am moving from my project...well considering the hue and cry i make about it i should be happy but then..............
Two years of getting used to something(may be cribbing about it also became a habit) is hard to let go.Cant say i loved the work...i did not but yes sort of it started belonging to me ..the project over a period of time.

More anxiety ??????? what am i getting into ?????
How will the people be in the new project ????
Its difficult i felt when i got introduced into the new team...that floor is kinda sooo quiet...
staring into those monitors..... compared to our project floor where we actually love to speak either loud or in hushed up secretive tones.
Actually more than anything thats what the anxiety stems from. New technology and all may be like slowly but surely grasped have some inner confidence about that....but if people are not of the kind i am ok with then what.

So was it ok to give up on a whole set of privileges gained over time and open yourself up for appraising worthiness yet again ??????

Yet again you start from the scratch.....If you could be a little absolute business like its so simple to jump around from company to company ....but what if you can't afford/dare that.

Such simple issues yet so complex i make em........
I dont know i did feel bad...very upset probably about leaving a bunch of people so suddenly ...its just downstairs but yet its never the same sitting around in the same bay....or saying hi and all such once in a while.
I guess for all my talk i am eternally stupid...
i hate farewells and though i laugh em off....i really really hate em.
I did wish i had left the company itself but things sort of dont work as i plan ever and so many diversions...no one to blame but myself....in the end.

Don't know how it will be........heck i hate it...the way it was.....all come up and say hey congratulations..."uve got it"( its that hard to get out of our project to other projects...most ppl leave the company..the easier way).
I was feeling lost it was too sudden...i was asking for it since 3 months in a tone they finally perceived as a real threat and on Friday morning i was told ....ur off...go join there.
Its sort of unnerving.....

But i hate farewells...though they are my destiny...as soon as i get comfortable somewhere i suddenly (yeah its always sudden) have to move.

Just when i got used to my school dad got transferred.
Just when i got used to one hostel ...it was time to move.Just when i got used to my first job....
I resigned on a sudden note.Just when i and dear friends had enough time/money to have fun they get married/go to US.Just when i could sleepwalk through my work....

I am moving to a new project wherein i have to re-check my vision and get a new pair of glasses to finish off things.
It leaves such a sad feeling ...yeah yeah...youve to move on.
As they say you move on.I will...i always do....but as of today its that weighed down feeling.
Lovely poem was all i could think of

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood .........................

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

what kind of difference........lets see...it would be on this blog i guess.

Some everday nuggets kind of define days

Last Week:
An auto driver literally shouted back and demanded higher price and you realise how vulnerable one can be to bullies....all said and done about arguing and fightbacks.

Like today:
My Lead after telling me that finally i would be releived from the project...smiles and we get on
to general topics and says "whats happening in the project i was asked by some other leads u know yamini and all i can say is marriages... so when's yours?" i am asked..... I just smile and its clear at least being in the same place....when you stand in the same place
you can know it ....
The answer was never given by me but spoken by the questioner themselves
" oh i know you will ask when's yours"

I again smiled and said "well that was an expected question so i did not bother to ask."

We live very different lives of similar issues.....
What can avoided by being on that side has to be fought every minute by me....
What can be avoided by being on this side taunts her every day.

She's not what one can call a right people manager and i criticize her quite some here and all
over the place but if you ask me to rate her as one hell of a fighting person in life i'd rate
her very high.But who cares...

Problem is people have a habit of getting personal ....and i never know how to tell my bunch of
friends to stop that without getting into a debate which would again end up on a personal side.
So best shut up....
I just feel so upset when you are having a simple discussion about how she's not managing
things right or is a control freak and people simply instantly attribute it to her being single .....

Visited a wedding and one lady happily married at least as per her says " Women should get married at right time else they become saddists " obviously directed towards the Lead.
Then a guy smiles and says "exactly thats what i keep saying
everyday."(He once had commented to me a jobless guy and a unmarried gal is a sure recipe for
sadists...his experience he says)

Ah what lovely people i live with smilingly....
my smiles for the moment simply make no one consider me to be categorized in there (or what i dont know......its a source of constant wonder to me...the immense affection i receive from such a set of people...the blind eye my such friends turn towards me as if i am an exception for the moment to every rule....though at no point are they willing to debate on the rule.)
but then i am not a LEAD.
It is the people high up there that mud and stones are thrown at.

It is not that i cant argue with such .... but point is to each their own .... some of these people young freshers and old alike are so immature as people that i feel its stupid for me to
start any kind of serious discussion with them.
Its better off discuss our brainless movies and shopping and seem as stupid.

Well thats my choice i guess... or rather thats the only way...no choice.
But soon i will too have to move .... may be slowly ...may be i will delay the ascent...may be
fate will...but as i move up so will the stones and mud flinging start . It will i expect it to.

But still while i am extremely infamous i feel in the eyes of sr management for having a
tendency to have hushed group meetings all over the office in coffee room/ at my desk / in
corridors /...
I feel one can so clearly and wonderfully criticize a person's work and attitude
and all without getting personal.Problem is all people love to think themselves as psycho analysts who deduce why a person is as such ....pah.... though they never look at themselves.

Then again i wonder why am i defending a person who is always making people get personal saying team must be like a closely knit family. She asks people in feedback to know all about the
family members of the team for team building.....its obvious they come out of the meeting room
and joke well lets have her details first.

When you say you need a leave for personal reasons to a LEAD it should be just that "PERSONAL". Why act as a great confidant and ask details forcefully.

Discretion is very important in management.
How can you ask a guy/gal who is getting married why do you need 20 days leave 10 days is just fine.Obviously they will be upset and talk like 'Heck she doesn't get married hence what would she know'.
These are nonsensical cheap comments but so are people mostly and hence discretion and
tact is so very important in minimizing some hurts to both sides.
Good Intentions never suffice.
" THE ROAD TO HELL IS PAVED WITH GOOD INTENTIONS "

It probably was witha good intention she asked me to consider growth within the project than start from a scratch elsewhere but then i just wanted it my way...... i might as well suffer/regret for my own mistakes than someones's good intentions.

Tough Jobs of Managers...Hence No for Lazy Bloggers

Sometimes you make those decisions in life and then regret them and then sometimes you dont
regret ...you just ponder ponder and then conclude you'd probably do it the same all over again.
Well have been pondering over quite many of such decisions.....
Like one was when i decided growing up into the management echelons of this boring Project was not my cup of Tea.........though being the only Senior member left in here and
with quite some of the new experienced hires lacking communication abilities i had a great chance .
But i put myself out of the game even before it began....
I wanted a change in the next few months... I told my PL.
Hard to digest expression as ever from there but somehow it kind of ended there and
so in came a new TL a new hire.
Now This has become a classic case of "Can Do ...wont Do" for me
and "Cant but will do" for Him.

As any one new who wants to move from technical to Management will do, he beleives that management implies policing people and he has earned a nickname enough for that
when he makes rounds ensuring people are at workstations.
Well if am moved enough to write this post its not anyway for the general good it is because i got affected.
Funny part is the guy does not like Emails....
Hence whenever you write one he pulls out issues with it.
Sample 1
"I've finished xxxxxx as specified by you"
He calls me to his desk , says sweetly is it it not work.....what do you mean by as specified by me.
Hmm sadly i had put as specified by you in bold. Oh my habits of highlighting
Sample 2
Now this was a mail to my PL question why was the process not specified.I am quite handy to my PL so we have quite easy conversations and hence the mail was pretty general
" I am not sure how everyone is doing it but i guess it has to be specified when giving work
whether i have to xxx or yyyy for work given by TL"
Now funny part is the person to whom this mail was addressed was least bothered but TL calls and says Dont send such emails when person is around ask personally....(ahaaa)
Email communication is important you see esp it will be useful as you go up....(haaaaa...ab kya
bolen...this from a person who writes superbly funny mails with no spell check or grammatic sense to client...)
The guy probably had a very informal atmosphere at his previous company clients ..he was like
laughing around on a client call in the background talking loudly in regional language. Luckily my PL was on leave else he'd have had it.

I actually am fed up of these so called management theories and self help books....nah not
because i ever bother to read them except look up theier reviews which itself gets to you.

But i forget there is a big audience for these......
sad part is the people who read them think of them like some instant solutions and try to force implement them without even bothering about understanding a scenario.

So how does a guy who's worked in a very technical engg position looking for growth as a manager in a different company do...
Rattle off some lines/ proverbs about Team work...Dedication(i.e dont be late to office/ dont say no to work) and so forth.

Speak about self improvement and the good habits (they behave as if no one else but they have read it and would not know that its from a book).
It was so funny one guy a manager once was telling about dividing those things what you can do something about and what you cant and he spoke as though he was a saint and that was his sermon.
Talk about how important team is....arrange for some radical changes...i.e some one make aback up of all the stuff thats in the clients Config management as we may have issues when we have no net connection ...to US. Oho so what back up for network
here. Back up ke liye back up...ke liye back....and then its put across as a brilliant and
important idea.
No wonder i love Dilbert and Calvin.
But heck management is hard job....
To keep a bunch of no-gooders who are plenty and a few of critical quick but lazy bones like me
and those rare commited hard working ppl motivated or at least talking about motivation to such is indeed a tough job.
A job needing Self Motivation by finding errors in all others is difficult indeed.
A job involving such self sacrifice of one's integrity by talking again and again of self contradicting Lies till they seem like Truth to the speaker i.e self...(who cares about listeners anyway) is hard.

And since i am a hopeless lazy bugger.... i guess i'd stay
I ask myself why i wronged myself by my actions and then i answer myself
"I'm not a failure, I just started on the bottom and I like it there."

Ah if it wasnt for MONEY....
Hmm i love that line
There are somethings money can't buy
For everything else my salary isn't sufficient....

P.S:
OK Ok the major motivation for this post is he dares to question why i come late by an hour or two quite many times(i.e 4 times in a month tch tch).The email thing is minor... i dont feel bad if some one feels great by downplaying me....i'm too arrogant about my English and communication in the Technical set of people i'm around to be affected.
But asking me the late night blogger , to come early that too when not much work to be done......

Well i decided no more SMS from henceforth he will have no info.... suits him right.
Hell in 2 years the PL simply tried thrice to tell me to be on time....
But then some people know where to put in the efforts...and where they sure will go wasted.
Heck people...as long as their work gets done why do some people go by British punctuality stories.

New day...year Thoughts

I kinda like Picasso …I mean nah I am not that much of a painting connoisseur but I mean his quotes…..like my fav which I tell to all my hard working friends…I am a bad influence hmmm

You must always work not just within but below your means 

If you can handle three elements, handle only two. 

If you can handle ten, then handle only five. In that way the

 ones you do handle, you handle with more ease, 

more mastery, and you create a feeling of strength in reserve.  --Pablo Picasso 

so many of his quotes gel with my ideas in life…..and so witty…just read this

Patron standing next to Picasso at one of his exhibits: 

"What does this painting represent Mesiuer (sp) Picasso?
Picasso: "it represents 7 miliion francs madame."

Oks I guess I love so many things…… I am muddled up and so is this blog Nietzsche , Piccaso , Orhan Pamuk…..(Still am go get over his speech last few lines why I write ohhhhhhh… )Harry Potter

Ruskin Bond

Wodehouse

Vikram Seth

Friedman...... and what not...

What a Mélange…would it not be better to say I’m completely messed up with my thoughts….. … or I am too moody ….. may be but its my blog and here there’s no need to be better I guess let it be Happy New year….i tell myself ……

ah is it lets see how it would be……….2006 was also said to be a very Happy new year and what did I get/do in 2006 I asked myself….
I got a new house and most importantly a room though I have not been able to enjoy it at all due to all the accompanied hassles financial and otherwise that come with a house.
I got a Visa which is essentially of no use it seems.
I got a promotion which simply added to the headaches of my profession while adding no real value to my resume.

I found some lost old friends who are essentially still lost due to the profession and work.

Ah what a list…..I am essentially a bit strange I guess. As people age and approach their thirties they get religious or at least more spiritual. I seem to be reverse engineered….. I seem to be getting more agnostic and more importantly scientific.



P.S: Saddam was hanged and in the evening my sister told me the discussion at lunch at her office. It seems Saddam would go directly to heaven as as per Hindu calendar on that ekadashi as the gates of heaven were kept open that day.Some one countered no that cant be ours and theirs heavens are different..... :( what chats we educated people have ...

Good piece of gossip …we laughed. Sad part is some local channel put that too on news the next day. That’s why I am off watching TV.

What a wonderful Lecture

Ah there are times you read something and you feel like....
thats it.... thats what.... .
There may be many excellent words to describe that feeling
but its rare to read some stuff and this weekend i felt great
as i read it... it was sort of wonderful as i re-read it.
Its a very long speech ... So long that i copied some reallly lovely lines
of it so that to find them i the time starved person needn’t
re-read it again and again.
But may be you shoud remember it anyway i thought
if you loved it so much .....
But then what you remember is a feeling ...
.sometimes the way the feeling is
expressed is a beauty unto itself.

I have not read any of his books....but just was redirected
while browsing to this wonderful complete Speech by
The Nobel Lecture, 2006 by ORHAN PAMUK.
The last para where he talks about ‘why do you write’...loved it.
I dont know how happy at heart he may be about the prize but
when i read the last line he made me happy....
cause thats why i write this blog
“I write because I have never managed to be happy.
I write to be happy.”
For people who love reading and are not scared of
scrolling long pages,
i would say the full speech must be read.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer’s secret is not inspiration—for it is
never clear where that comes from—but
stubbornness, endurance

If a writer is to tell his own story—to tell it
slowly, and as if it were a story about other
people—if he is to feel the power of the story
rise up inside him, if he is to sit down at a table
and give himself over to this art, this craft,
he must first be given some hope.

Now, many years later, I understand that this
discontent is the basic trait that turns
a person into a writer.

Patience and toil are not enough: first,
we must feel compelled to escape crowds,
company, the stuff of ordinary life,
and shut ourselves up in a room.

he must have the artistry to tell his own
stories as if they were other people’s stories,
and to tell other people’s stories as if they
were his own, for that is what literature is.

our literature, our local world, in all
its beloved detail—and at the other end were
the books from this other, Western world, which
bore no resemblance to ours, a lack of resemblance
that caused us both pain and hope.
To write, to read, was like leaving one
world to find consolation in the otherness
of another, in the strange and the wondrous.
I felt that my father had read novels
in order to escape his life and flee to the
West—just as I did later.

Is happiness believing that you live a deep life
in your lonely room? Or is happiness leading a
comfortable life in society, believing in the same
things as everyone else, or, at least,
acting as if you did?
Is it happiness or unhappiness to go through life
writing in secret, while seeming to be in harmony
with all that surrounds you?

For me, to be a writer is to acknowledge the
secret wounds that we carry inside us,
wounds so secret that we ourselves are barely
aware of them, and to patiently explore them,
know them, illuminate them, own them, and make
them a conscious part of our spirit and our writing.

What literature most needs to tell and to investigate
now is humanity’s basic fears: the fear of being left
outside, the fear of counting for nothing, and the
feeling of worthlessness that comes with such
fears—the collective humiliations, vulnerabilities,
slights, grievances, sensitivities, and imagined
insults, and the nationalist boasts and inflations
that are their next of kin. . . .

Why do you write?
I write because I have an innate need to write.
I write because I can’t do normal work as other
people do. I write because I want to read books
like the ones I write.
I write because I am angry at everyone.
I write because I love sitting in a room
all day writing. I write because I can partake
of real life only by changing it.
I write because I want others, the whole world,
to know what sort of life we lived, and continue
to live, in Istanbul, in Turkey. I write because
I love the smell of paper, pen, and ink.
I write because I believe in literature,
in the art of the novel, more than I believe
in anything else.
I write because it is a habit, a passion.
I write because I am afraid of being forgotten.
I write because I like the glory and
interest that writing brings.

I write to be alone. Perhaps I write because
I hope to understand why I am so very, very
angry at everyone. I write because I like
to be read. I write because once I have begun a
novel, an essay, a page I want to finish it.
I write because everyone expects me to write.
I write because I have a childish belief in the
immortality of libraries, and in the way my books
sit on the shelf. I write because it is exciting
to turn all life’s beauties and riches into words.
I write not to tell a story but to
compose a story. I write because I wish to
escape from the foreboding that there is a place
I must go but—as in a dream—can’t quite get to.
I write because I have never managed to be happy.
I write to be happy.

The Short trip in Mid-Air

I seem to have so much on mind and yet i end up writing nothing its like too much clutter. So i thought of going back to something we used to do when in school. Write an essay about..............
So here's it....
That i went up in a flight for the first time pretty unprepared for a flight journey and with way too many other kinds of thoughts on mind is just one part of it.
The rains in Chennai kind of required me to board a flight cancelling my train....and people being being people had just one question which one are you flying....and everyone from my lead to my colleague , friends had one line to say ....when i answered Kingfisher.
"My my thats expensive ....hmmm lucky girl....we all get Spicejet"Heck it was pure chance else the travel organizer for my organization was simply unwilling to beleive that i needed a flight till she got it first hand that trains was cancelled.

Though what really is the differnce i am a bit dense up there i guess... or some day when i fly a lil bit more i may know....All i could spot the differnce was the Air Hostesses were real time eye-candy compared to the others....which explains it for some people .

Rest i honestly couldnt figure out.For me it was like Damn it who wanted to go up in the clouds real time at 5.30 in the morning when i would have happily been dreaming it up in the clouds...usually at that time.

Well finally got in and and i wondered if i'd have those flight problems people talk about. Hmm none whatesover. My permanent worry was my file containing all my certificates (all that i have earned as they say).


Finally when i started looking out of the window and slowly the scenery dissapeared and clouds enveloped all around....my thoughts were like the following.
So beautiful like somewhere near the north pole or south pole covered in snow.....Then it struck me....ah i know i am an earth person who likes being on the ground....thats why even the clouds i realte them to somewhere on ground.As much as i loved those clouds and thought them beautiful somehow they never seemed real to me.In fact next i related those real clouds funnily to the fake ones we see in movies. I was remembering those wooly wooly snowy scenes of fairies and all dream scene sets they show in movies.
Thats the irony of life i guess...reality becomes unreal.


But then as i looked on and on at them and saw the sun coming up like gold among them i realised why some people love flying so much.. i know few....why they become so dreamy when they talk about flying planes....and being up in the clouds.No ,I love my earth its lovely trees and slow breezes , but when you just stare at them and you ve known and seen people who talk of them and imagine them you realise the power, the freedom the longing that flying up there in those hazy bluish whites that some people may feel.


Me well if the take off was cool the landing was like i though i'd go deaf with the pain my ears...but i still hear .Though i hear i do not listen ... and quite some people have it figured out...it seems.... so my lead put me onto Listening Skills training. Next post may be on that.

Some Readin as i was away from this world....

I ve been away from using internet for non work purposes like soo long and its been one long hellish thing getting this net connection....nearly 3 months trying to get one.... i need to write a seprate post on that later....how difficult it was to get it right in the middle of a new residential area.........anyways all wells that ended well so let that be.

Works been too hectic but then so have been other things and amazing just when you need something to relate to the perfect kind of book comes up …just like that. I am one of those who like to be drawn involuntarily to books and like that impulsive feeling I have for some books.
Well I being an absolute quotation lover always loved Nietzsche’s quotes …lot of his were my favorites … and one is the tag line of my blog…” It is hard enough…”….but never really found out much about him except that he was a philosopher and I thought he must be a fine one.
But then reading pure philosophy in these days of life after working late hours at office is close to impossible. So don’t know how but I picked up that short intro kinda books that come from pocket books.

Well and thus I read about Nietzsche and while I like some authors and like somethings about some works of some authors I rarely felt any thoughts as close to my absolute madness that goes in my mind. I mean I seem oh so sane and quiet but then every where I go there seems to be some record playing in my head …some voices …in fact these days its so horrible that even music cannot seem to drown them out.

Its a terribly bad habit this imagination of almost everything , of past…of future…..present seems to be all about that. Ive tried and have been doing my best in the past few years to live in the moment but as I often say to close friends who advise forget the past…. is it really possible. Does the past not catch up ultimately …. And cast it imminent shadow on the future …can we ever escape it….so I thought and write often ........
and the following I read in there
“To live without regrets or nostalgia for instance sounds in a way wonderful. And yet how can one not regret wasted time missed opportunities, failure as well as happiness of a kind that one can never know again.and how can one avoid in these regrets, going in for comparison and contrast the bases of evaluation”

It felt like some one put my thoughts in so prettily ages ages ago….some madman I ve been loving reading about him because my thoughts seems so well mirrored. There are no solutions …there are only question …questions that kind of revolve in the mind like on and on…..
I had written a post long ago on a question someone asked me once I had joined this job newly.That question still remains in my mind “ Why are you so disinterested….in almost everything”

I remembered that again as I read the lines ......
“But what about people who can read him with understanding but still feel that there is no special way that is theirs. It is Nietzsche’s view that they are deluding themselves in order to have an easy time of it, or that they may be right?....If the second then what he says about giving ones lifestyle is irrelevant, and one may wonder what are they supposed to do with themselves- those gifted intelligent cultivated, sensitive receptive people who have no inclination to develop a high profile because despite gifts they are essentially passive.Or is it no one is passive?”
That I have great agnostic tendencies may also be one reason for my loving his writing…..i ve always told myself in this lifetime there is no way that I can ever be an atheist……its hard to give up on a God being nonexistent when you lived more than half your life believing not by tradition but somewhere in heart…..So the only way out is just don’t care…believing that even if God does exist he doesn’t care…not anymore at least….

Then there are our festivals so many of which we hardly celebrate any more….. those temples and what not….its not whether I celebrate them today any more….its about those memories…..of those beliefs…….one never gets over childhood memories.

The book sort of focused on his life and some lines made you feel so much like when it was said
“ Writing was often like taking dictation from an internal voice “ .
Often it feels like that….probably that’s why I keep this blogI have to return the book to the library so may be I’ll note a few lines here to re read them…..
Nietzsche went mad the last decade of his short life….some fetch it too far saying it was feigned . Now in my very own style I put up my defenses coz someone may say well Nietzsche was not that pro-Women ……well who cares that world was different ……. What I like I enjoy what I don’t... to trash.

One of my colleagues during a counseling session post flunking an exam was asked who is your role model…….good thing no one did ask me such stuff anytime coz they’d get a huge dose of individuality from me……but then I guess that’s why no one asks me such questions.
I normally’d have given a long explanatory answer to such a question about why being a follower is no good and I am one of those rare strange creatures who not only have an aversion to being a follower……I hate even being a leader. … I mean I often think who wants to take up the responsibility of a a bunch of no gooders…followers. Though when you live practical life you understand why you need followers…

I mean I tell myself … some one might have designed and imagined a great beauty like the Taj but to make it real you need a whole bunch of dumb quiet followers who live everyday and work the repeated stuff everyday…….(like we poor dumb copy paste engineers do for the great profitable business visionary…hence somewhere somehow everyone is a follower…………a dumb one and loves a leader but then there are few who are unwilling followers….like me…forced by life ….most somehow are such willing followers that they amaze me….. Its like one day one of the team members was like is it a holiday tomorrow ….they should give nah kinda stuff I said well well then go and ask and the group was like you are our Sr engg nah you go and ask ..we will follow you …. Huh how ppl love to follow)
Nevertheless reading the book gave me my perfect one liner“You are rewarding a teacher poorly if you always remain a pupil”
Before posting the post to my blog the greatest question I ask myself is what should be the title ……… its so difficult….i never write coherently on a single topic. Its all so divergent and jumbled up.Well lemme put something anyways….

A Break

Hmm finally i will away from this blog for some time....moving to a new house...have to get a new net connection first...will try to make it faster....and finally i will have my own room (after half a lifetime's wait....) where i can peacefully blog....hopefully!!!.

A break

Hmm finally i will away from this blog for some time....moving to a new house...have to get a new net connection first...will try to make it faster....and finally i will have my own room (after half a lifetime's wait....) where i can peacefully blog....hopefully!!!.

Positive Attitudes eh......

Positive Attitudes eh......

 

In our wonderful world wherever i go i hear about life is all about attitudes and sure why not !!! and this is how wonderfully people i come across practise....thats why i'd say its all a matter of perceptions .

 

Positive attitude or plain shamelessness or self blindness...beyond me....

Be positive.see no evil hear no evil talk no evil....ahem i.e WITHIN YOURSELF...thats the way most people perceive it.

 

I probably had so much to write about this nosy neighbor of ours but found myself too lazy to write his untiring selfblinding behavior.

 

Here's this closer to fortyish man and wife who live in the portion attached to the portion we live in ..and hence our personal conversations are pretty much public. And yet....the chap has the temerity to talk such nonsense.

 

Every morning we wake up to his voice abusing his wife in the choicest of local linguistics par excellence and yet he comes here and tries to be friendly in polished english.

'You sisters dont talk at all....one should be friendly...come to my home for dinner"...yeah yeah...my sis chuckles we know how much dinner gets cooked for you and you wanna invite us...

"he keeps shrieking into his phone about alliances for his friends who want an educated housewife...we have enough god given...we dont want a working woman...woman these days have become so arrogant...all these working women...dont want to take   care of homes"

 

After all this his statements to us "you see i like to be friends with everyone especially i like women a lot"......hoooooooooo

 

I means its thoroughly amusing his unfazed and shameless words everday...what is more special is you can see he is not lying to us …. He has lied and convinced himself first....THAT IS POSITIVITY.

 

"Why dont you die...when will you die and i can find another decent susheel kinda one(i mean wonder why did he not search one in first place is beyond us)...he actually begs her to go away to your moms place"

 

 

When finally one day we did bother to chat up courtesy his only real help (though he talks of all the things that he can get done day in and night out)that of recommending a good enough cardiologist for my mom...he started telling about how one should speak well and quietly...now my sis not one to keep quiet ( unlike me who prefers staring at my PC which he detests and complains about saying... like Napoleon staring at the PC...now whats the connection i dont get it but then ... i nevr get such people) said "oh leave it...we also hear what you keep scolding your wife every day".

 

He explained himself so beautifully absolutely unfazed

 

" you see its not like that....i want her to change for good...so i scold...she does not know anything...but eat cook ...go to her stupid telephone operator job and be back...i tell her i have friends who can help you for free...learn english...learn computers...i encourage her...but all she likes is living it simply...i give her so much freedom....go to your moms place meet her stay with her for a few days"

 

Forcing her to learn english is his passion.....while he keeps on calling her choicest names in native tongue.That the lady is absolutely not bothered ------ shows why they call some people ram banayi jodi.

 

Add to this stupid conversation my sisters cruel fun liners she adds " why dont you take her to a psychiatrist "....and then remarks later to me….once both of em go to that psychiatrist he will become a psycho wondering who's the patient among the two.

 

This wonderful chap lives in the house that is owned by his brother ...God knows what broker jobs he does...never seen him do anything except crib and cry about his being sick due to diabetes and shrieking on phone. and keeps talking all these days i earned goodwill and now i will earn money using it. and honestly you see him outside his doorstep he's ever smiling ...what a wonderful sunny positive person...hmmmm.

 

Only people being tortured here is us....for me its this amazing attitude of thinking how perfect he is...yeah such is positivity...and its amazing quality of being blinded to faults of self...

 

And yet when i am chillingly curt to such people my mom thinks i am not behaving proper......but then this is just an example the quantity of such contradicting bundles is not scarce at all...only the degree varies.

 

 

"We the Living" The Book...why its so livelier to me

Sometimes its a exhilarating feeling when someone puts so beautifully and to the point what you so much feel about.
Whenever i find anyone who reads books we do end up talking about Ayn Rand... i guess a lot of them have read AYn Rand and like most people are influenced by her.But most people in this world are found of 'Fountainhead '.Its listed by celebrities as such a strong book and what not but for me its hogwash compared to other books by her.

If "Atlas shrugged" has one of the most powerful heroines anywhere in modern Fiction except of course my fav "Scarlett O Hara"...Fountain head has a wimp a hopeless heroine ever.

The other book people like is Atlas Shrugged and yeah i agree its a good book....but for me my favorite book was and is ' We the Living '.

For me its realistic in the sense that unlike other books it simply is not an ideal...as if the whole world does not exist...its about individuality despite the world....and i love the book among all her book.
I could never really explain to people why i liked that book over the other famous two.I and a friend of mine who is another of those hard core Fountain head fans had arguments on it and my views were so exact to the ARTICLE i came across .
It was as if some one wrote about our discussions and my opinions as it is.Its such a coincidence and its a feeling like well....exactly see thats what i feel.

"True. But for me there's something even more powerful about We the Living -- it's as if the novel was written in blood. The fact that Rand lived through the same kinds of things that Kira lived through gives it an almost primal quality. It's a cry from the heart. I think perhaps that's what turns off Objectivists about it -- it's too emotional in a way, not serenely rational like her later novels."
"I think a simpler explanation is that Objectivists don't like the fact that it has a tragic ending."
"I'm sure that doesn't help either. But despite the ending, I think We the Living is more alive than her other novels. It's about these characters fighting to live their lives. They're not fighting for ideas, but for the simple right to live their lives and pursue their values."

I always felt exactly the above....
Its a tragedy alright...to me when i first read it it was more tragic than any i had read....i remember i had shut the book almost 3 times at those last pages where Kira asks Leo just one question..."If i tell you something that will hold you back would you still some day go " and Leo answers " Yes...but what is there to hold me back" and she replies...Nothing..." .......very few books can hold me like that.

It is also the reason why dont like reading pure philosophical discourses and hate and despise Self help...why i prefer fiction with philosophical touches better.
Its her most not so famous book and yet to me thats her true book over all the others where its all theories galore....

just a day….a lil less caffeine in future….a lil more saline in present…

I am almost hopelessly completely depressed now i guess….
Its like something you tell yourself you beleive in and then it crashes down ….or may be its not even like that….It may be something you know will crash and break and yet after knowing it all you dont like to beleive it….you wish all kind of stupidities.
Yesterday went through like a breeze but when i settled down at at the end of the day it was like a tiring heartbreak…….
Two people with whom i probably spent the best part of last year left office and i could not even see them off…all the while all those new joinees were like one doubt come here…come here….wanted to like tell all of em to got hell….but well…..thats how things are…its no ones fault and yet…its strangely upsetting.
Probably thats what friendship is in a way.
They arent the kind of people i’d relate to much ….very childish girls very lively…very brilliant.I am not the kind of person they normally would relate to(books poetry…philosophy…no way) and if as real person knew me would cater to much but yet we somehow became friends brought together by fate and we went on ignoring in each other or even worse simply refusing to see anything beyond what we liked.
I never really understand people i have as friends except may be a few (with whom i dont have the good times these days but share the worse times by cribbing to them)….what they see in me or what i see in them sometimes….except for the fact that we have a good time together.
Probably thats the problem with judging people in entirety……you risk your own opinions…your own judgements.
Then theres this other thing… you so wish to meet what you left by…of memories which you simply go an sweeting more than they ever were and then one day if you ever face then again you realise the illusion was so much better .But i guess in my case i wanted to get rid of all illusions in life and whats happening is all for the best.
Yes i very much wished this somewhere in life so that i can move on….if theres nothing better left then so be it …at least i stop beleiving that the past will come back.There is always this wish i guess in people who leave the place they grow up in childhood to have that world back…beleving it lasts.But the world moves by…even if the place lasts the people do not remain the same but then do we ourselves remain the same…..People dont change ….not at the core i always tell myself…..but do they or rather is it like that people stop being themselves and take on a new persona…they dont change ….may be they just die….not physically but sort of killed of by the world…some become cynical like me..some become hopeless..some become wastrels…some become very successful….but what years ago made then so very special is lost.
and you dont really know them.It is then that you may wish that it stop…….this whole deconstruction of the past…..by the present.When the past comes to present and cannot live upto you the illusion, then one starts hoping it stops ruining the delicate beauty of the past.
I think this is the greatest risk of meeting old friends and acquaintances…….and yet we seek them out everywhere we can on cycberspace ….. in real world.And yet when we do sometimes it ruins al those memories…those beleifs that carried you through this turbulent present.
You look back at people from days gone by and wish that comes back but in the end when they do you realise what has gone back will never come back.This week probably drove that into me more firmly than anything.But it dissapoints
such shining hopessuch sudden twists frombright to dark………..with the faintest sleight of handthe alteration of all of life’s schemesand all its scope..all with one tiny turnof life’s KALEIDOSCOPE.Why do some of the best people lose to life…to this world…but they do and while it kind of
breaks your heart to see it…somewhere it tells you again that past is no promise of a future….what is there is all the present.
When i look back at my past i realise there is only one lesson ive learnt in my life….i’ve questioned and fought against most other wisdoms propagated.
What is there is Today…..What will be there is yesterday….What one better not bother with is Tommorow…and yet its hard when you are surrounded by people who talk abou planning…projects…..decisions…..life .
I keep repeating to myself…..“Smile coz it happenedDont cry that it ended”………….But then i my usual way i cant help it…i smiled when it happened…i cry when it ended.
I’ll get used to it…..i have a habit of getting used to anything as much as i hate it.
Both of them were going on with such bright hopes to a new place and it hurts sometimes when you know that just as others failed in what you hoped for them…..you you too fail others in their visons.
V and P were like looking at me and R…saying you stupid two ….We four joined together …if you two too had gotten another job…we’d have all left together…. what a classic statement it would have been.
The only positive part in this………..i’ll be drinking less caffeine …as no one is gonna drag me away to heated sh…sh….coffee room discussions.

The words that remain....

Some lines just kind of float in ur mind for long.....Very few lines i mange to remember....
My memory is like what they say RAM in IT.I simply forget as much as i love what i read....just a lingering essence of it stays in mind.The words are forgotten faster than what i read.Then there are some words somelines you cant forget some words that you hear just once seem so very simple but they just refuse to budge from the mind.These are a few of those lines i read somewhere

Ek tuti hui zanjeer ki fariyaad hai hum
aur duniya ye samajti hai ki azaad hai hum

Not sure why i started this post ....but will continue it sometime
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I left it at that on 25th July and then realised today it was a part post....but whats there to complete....anyway a few more lines on the same thoughts
You have fascinating books and some not so fascinating...but people who love books would any day tell you that there is something...some lines..irrrelevant mostly that remains from some books...sometimes that something may be a very vague feeling .

I am not speaking about the brilliant quotable quotes of a book ...but some very simple thing that randomly just sticks on in mind. I have my own special lines from books.
I will start with a book that i disliked.there was a book by I Allan Sealy called Everest Hotel.I simply did not like it somehow may be the subject was too uninteresting for me.The author though describes beautifully.......I hardly remember anything much of the book and story except my dislike of the book and this line

"faye made a nunnery out of her garden and you've made a garden out of your nunnery."
Probably it sort of reminds me in the end you can make anything out of anything..welll what is this thing i,m writing hmmm...................I ve never realised why i simply remember those lines they just sort of stuck in the mind.where i struggle to memorize anything these days ...u just dont forget some lines.

Then there's that excellent book by Vikram Seth " A Suitable boy". agree with whoever said that many people who talk about it would not have read it....its real time bulky.Well i read it over a month of my visits to the library on the weekend ...and ther's a lovely soap opera kinda story in it and all that..what i can never forget is a set of lines whose meaning condensed to something like below.....

The heroine says to Kabir a guy she's leaving to marry another......."remember you got five runs that day in a ball.its like that ...life....but...you cannot score five runs everyday can you...same in life"........it was a strange analogy but it stuck.

I guess i will add to this post....... some more lines which i cant recall.......my mind is kinda blocked.....now........too much work and depressive atmosphere is building up at office.

Life....Ironic ???

Life can be absolutely excruciatingly funny......or ironic.
Ah irony...where i learnt the word first....in school in Shakespeare and now here i saw it so perfectly.

It was a pretty surprise to find someone on the net from over a decade back....from my school i left far away in a far off sleepy town...and then to know that all the while ..that person was in the same city as me.
For some time i was simply wondering ....... it so strange...really.

But neverthless it was a nice look back on days past...and a reminder of the way life affects us....i remembered the person i was 14 yrs ago....the word probably used about me
fitted just fine "painfully shy"....i hardly am that anymore though i still am extremely hesitant to speak with strangers....and with acquaintances i just blabber a lot...by my standards if not everybody.
Also it could be due to the fact that im surounded my a chirpy bunch of freshers who unlike most of the people of my batch weighed down by taking up the responsiboilities of life .......have had the best in life early and are so very positive and yeah for me it helps to have such a kind around ....else i tend to drown in my dark observations......
V and P both girls would be done with their notice period this week and i'd be quite bored at office.....of course there would be lot of work this coming months but still those two were really sweet and smart and fun girls to have around......they never let you brood even for a minute...and when u tended to lapse into those dark thoughts and they buzzd you or teased you ....i sort of used to get irritated but then i a moment i realised they honestly what a difference they make.

yeah ive not changed at all at the core....i guess no one does...but ive moved on .....for better or worse.

oh by the way i have moved this whole blog to wordpress(FROZENTHOUGHTZ.WORDPRESS.COM) .Of course the blog on blogspot stays on....