A hopeless feel of life
Nothings worse than self doubt.It sometimes though creeps in and destroys you.And then in such times when you see darkness around in life it simply adds on to the worst .Its very hard ....its not as much about anything....its simply when you feel for a time that you are worthless and the world can do without you.I guess the world can do without anyone actually even the so called best people but still there are timeswhen you just feel if only you could avoid this mess called life and its everyday duties....of living.
I dont know ...there are people i dont like much but it seems bad when you see how one can be the victim of circumstances even in those people. There was an analysis on and someone had asked me ok you read the document i mailed you tell us what was in there and i just spoke what i remembered first....I said the problem to be analysed had to be specified in a positive way. Now a manager there she immediately spoke out instinctively" its a problem and what positive is there".......then she clammed up and said "ok yeah so what shall we phrase it as to be positive?."I sensed it immediately only some one who can understand the negative side of life could see it ...even i think the same why do we have to put it that positive way if its that bad.
With time i got it...thats the way the world likes it............ rose colored glasses......else we wont be able to go on.
Sometimes even nice things and nice people hurt...Its kind of like that....I have friends who speak condemning things, life of others but simply turn a blind eye when i am doing the same thing or at the same position...I dont know how to take it.Do they really dont see it or do they make an exception for me....is it sympathy.....or what. sometimes its just as that song goes. Everybody hurts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold onHold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Impetuous Me
I seem to have lost my senses .....if i had any i mean i guess i should become more serious and what they say responsible behavior or mature but i do myself no favor on any counts these days and it really happened bad this day...i feel so very stupid....though it seemed quite funny to all.
Well in my group of four in team who hang out together all the 3 others are freshers i.e. 2004 passouts ....i dont hang out much with the senior group whose greatest interest i.e domestic problems are too much for me to be of any use to make conversation.
So they being quite younger than me i tease them well and they take it quite well but i guess i should be more restricted and not impetuous and outspoken (i tend to become that after i stay at any place for 1 year scaring people who have seen me at the begining of the year as the quietest person around).....at least if i want to move up this damned corporate ladder (Do I is a question i often ask).
I was teasing V about a Tool called Silk she was attending training for...teased the daylights out of her calling her “Silk Silk” since morning.
So three of us were moving down by lift in the evening and i was talking about some issue with the manager and a chap got into the lift.V called my name in a way (she meant me to shut up completely...she said later)and i thought we had to switch topic and i started teasing her immediately again “Silk Silk” and that too with a accent and raised eyebrows.
The guy simply walked out with a smile saying “you wanna learn come......”
I was left perplexed....V was like “o god u r impossible....He ‘s a Sr Manager and the only chap here who has any knowledge of Silk Tool”.
I really wanted to leave for the day......i hate coincidences...i was sure.....feeling sick of myself.
Respect i think comes hard to me... u’ve to earn it.. I mean i cant just respect someone because he has a designation or because he’s a few years older.... neither do i expect people to respect me just coz i am older or have..... some position.
Its a old problem with me ...quite old.
Actually i got a dressing down in school class VIII with respect to this...My English teacher asked me to stand up one day and told me in front of the whole class....
” you should learn manners ...you should say good morning to your teachers when you see them outside the class”...i knew she wanted that but was stunned to be told that in class.
I have this problem will not say hi and good morning for formality sake....I do try to get over it esp in this corporate world but it does not come naturally to me....have to remember and have eye contact then i say it.....just saying hi with not even a glance is not my cuppa tea.
Its the same here at office in our small coffee room with a platform on which we perch i just keep sitting whoever walks in while all my respectful company will stand up to attention....when the PL walks in....never any Good mornings or Goodbyes unless its a direct communication or eye contact.
I sometimes dont even acknowledge the presence of some people(currently my PL after my awful pay discussion) ............sometimes because i am uncomfortable ....sometimes because i prefer it that way and sometimes because I am at a loss of any sane look, word or expression.I have that block...whatever such a block is called.
So all day i was pondering .......
As it is i am left behind in this race..As it is i am not suited to this corporate hypocrisy but.....if....and all that
“i should be more serious ....always look like at work even i have none.
Take serious trainings.....not discussions as i call them.............Give lectures about the importance of this that........beleive in it or not”
and all that senior person fundas....but then i guess with time i’ll get over it......
back to square one “ Who the heck cares ”.....thats my natural instinct i think.
I realise i just am not into it......i am a mess and no solution i could find....till now at least..................if it was not for money and if i could get some help and luck on it i’d be happy with a flower or a book shop..........i think.
(I so want to put these quotes at my desk but then thats all i will need to be told why my pay packet is light.....so i put them on my blog)
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”.....
Absolutely Absolutely i say.......but what is the excuse for my stupidity i wonder...................
its becoming terrible now ....so are my posts.
I seem to have lost my senses .....if i had any i mean i guess i should become more serious and what they say responsible behavior or mature but i do myself no favor on any counts these days and it really happened bad this day...i feel so very stupid....though it seemed quite funny to all.
Well in my group of four in team who hang out together all the 3 others are freshers i.e. 2004 passouts ....i dont hang out much with the senior group whose greatest interest i.e domestic problems are too much for me to be of any use to make conversation.
So they being quite younger than me i tease them well and they take it quite well but i guess i should be more restricted and not impetuous and outspoken (i tend to become that after i stay at any place for 1 year scaring people who have seen me at the begining of the year as the quietest person around).....at least if i want to move up this damned corporate ladder (Do I is a question i often ask).
I was teasing V about a Tool called Silk she was attending training for...teased the daylights out of her calling her “Silk Silk” since morning.
So three of us were moving down by lift in the evening and i was talking about some issue with the manager and a chap got into the lift.V called my name in a way (she meant me to shut up completely...she said later)and i thought we had to switch topic and i started teasing her immediately again “Silk Silk” and that too with a accent and raised eyebrows.
The guy simply walked out with a smile saying “you wanna learn come......”
I was left perplexed....V was like “o god u r impossible....He ‘s a Sr Manager and the only chap here who has any knowledge of Silk Tool”.
I really wanted to leave for the day......i hate coincidences...i was sure.....feeling sick of myself.
Respect i think comes hard to me... u’ve to earn it.. I mean i cant just respect someone because he has a designation or because he’s a few years older.... neither do i expect people to respect me just coz i am older or have..... some position.
Its a old problem with me ...quite old.
Actually i got a dressing down in school class VIII with respect to this...My English teacher asked me to stand up one day and told me in front of the whole class....
” you should learn manners ...you should say good morning to your teachers when you see them outside the class”...i knew she wanted that but was stunned to be told that in class.
I have this problem will not say hi and good morning for formality sake....I do try to get over it esp in this corporate world but it does not come naturally to me....have to remember and have eye contact then i say it.....just saying hi with not even a glance is not my cuppa tea.
Its the same here at office in our small coffee room with a platform on which we perch i just keep sitting whoever walks in while all my respectful company will stand up to attention....when the PL walks in....never any Good mornings or Goodbyes unless its a direct communication or eye contact.
I sometimes dont even acknowledge the presence of some people(currently my PL after my awful pay discussion) ............sometimes because i am uncomfortable ....sometimes because i prefer it that way and sometimes because I am at a loss of any sane look, word or expression.I have that block...whatever such a block is called.
So all day i was pondering .......
As it is i am left behind in this race..As it is i am not suited to this corporate hypocrisy but.....if....and all that
“i should be more serious ....always look like at work even i have none.
Take serious trainings.....not discussions as i call them.............Give lectures about the importance of this that........beleive in it or not”
and all that senior person fundas....but then i guess with time i’ll get over it......
back to square one “ Who the heck cares ”.....thats my natural instinct i think.
I realise i just am not into it......i am a mess and no solution i could find....till now at least..................if it was not for money and if i could get some help and luck on it i’d be happy with a flower or a book shop..........i think.
(I so want to put these quotes at my desk but then thats all i will need to be told why my pay packet is light.....so i put them on my blog)
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”.....
Absolutely Absolutely i say.......but what is the excuse for my stupidity i wonder...................
its becoming terrible now ....so are my posts.
Monday, February 27, 2006
A chain of thoughts
Saw Rang de basanti finally..Dont want to write a review of it..enough movie critics to do it.Its a Good MOVIE...I think i highlighted what i mean...MOVIE.
The post though is a disjointed chain of thoughts.
Its a very good movie...thats it....one of those rare ones in indian cinema where there is hardly any melodrama.
But is the movie so pathbreaking ...awakening to the new generation i am not sure...its a movie.If someone wants to make it a beacon to reality it kind of is hard.Probably the one truest line of the movie is when Aamirs character says
"par bahar ki life me na jaane kitne DJ haar gaye" or something to that effect...my dialogue memory is poor.
I see this in the shadow of reading about S.Manjunath a IIM graduate killed by the corrupted oil mafia.I have all strange thoughts about this jingoism of patriotism so may be i dont get inspired too much.Dont know....
But i look back and think has India ever been defeated in by any kind of army or armed conflict.They have always been defeated by some traitor for greed, internal hatred,other differences.....(take the case of british sneaking in or prithviraj , Tipu sultan, Azad all betrayed by one of their own).Then why so much a bugle of "We the great indians"...i dont get it.
First they start with patriotism which they link with culture and culture is then imposedby honor and the whole brunt of this is borne by women.To protect the culture its always women who have to do this ,that, not be like this, follow this......and all the patriotism, inspiration, culture all ends up rotting....being the perfect families in ekta kapoor serials.
People suddenly become relegious after their forties a bit too much and think the young have degenerated.
Why do we always look to history...what was good then is it necessary it will be good now.We all hate it ...including me but isn't life in the end .......adaptability.
If we had remained in prehistoric time saying this is our culture...would there be any progress in any way at all.History somehow is a bane for a country in todays times as History culture and relegion are the foremost things usedto organize a mob....a mob can be manipulated because a mob cannot think....... its led in the way the manipulator wants shrewdly.......
If history was only used to learn from past mistakes it'd be some good else its simply a potent tool....which is the reason the manipulation of history texts is a big issue.
Yeah i think of mobs of how individuals get lost...mobs consist of the greatest individual cowards in general which actually are the majority of this world.One of the classic examples of mob is from history.....Julius caesar(yeah i know ive posted on it earlier)
A mob within hours starts thinking in two diametrically different directions(baying for the blood of the same person they put up on a pedestal) ..... all manipulated by the power of speech.........and what a speech it is.....Classic Absolutely.
A conversation i heard....Walking back home i hear two old grandmas speaking.
A1: My blood was boiling...i packed my bags ...after all for that little food do i have too hear all that
A2: Yeah true
A1: (some desciption i dont hear) Then she said sorry, apologised.... it was her mistake only .... huh who cares for sorry
A2: yeah do what you wish then say sorry...They will suffer the same from their children one day.
A1: What one day ...They are doing it now only.Our upbringing only was different ...we used to beat them and they listened ....Now they get asked upfront by their children"Why are you beating me".....We are being questioned now at this age...they are being questioned now only..huh huh ha....our culture only was different, special..they dare not speak out then.
Its amusing or something to wonder i dont exactly know............
An afterthought in general
This may seem horrible but its just a pattern of thinking so i am keeping a note....
The movie began with "if your blood still does not boil then your blood is water"
Ahem i just think may be water is better...you can see things clearer......blood clots.....blood differs, divides........ water doesn't.(well till it becomes a river i guess and if its Kaveri...o my God)This chain of thoughts better end here.
All the while i am lost in another story that i guess better be the next post.
Saw Rang de basanti finally..Dont want to write a review of it..enough movie critics to do it.Its a Good MOVIE...I think i highlighted what i mean...MOVIE.
The post though is a disjointed chain of thoughts.
Its a very good movie...thats it....one of those rare ones in indian cinema where there is hardly any melodrama.
But is the movie so pathbreaking ...awakening to the new generation i am not sure...its a movie.If someone wants to make it a beacon to reality it kind of is hard.Probably the one truest line of the movie is when Aamirs character says
"par bahar ki life me na jaane kitne DJ haar gaye" or something to that effect...my dialogue memory is poor.
I see this in the shadow of reading about S.Manjunath a IIM graduate killed by the corrupted oil mafia.I have all strange thoughts about this jingoism of patriotism so may be i dont get inspired too much.Dont know....
But i look back and think has India ever been defeated in by any kind of army or armed conflict.They have always been defeated by some traitor for greed, internal hatred,other differences.....(take the case of british sneaking in or prithviraj , Tipu sultan, Azad all betrayed by one of their own).Then why so much a bugle of "We the great indians"...i dont get it.
First they start with patriotism which they link with culture and culture is then imposedby honor and the whole brunt of this is borne by women.To protect the culture its always women who have to do this ,that, not be like this, follow this......and all the patriotism, inspiration, culture all ends up rotting....being the perfect families in ekta kapoor serials.
People suddenly become relegious after their forties a bit too much and think the young have degenerated.
Why do we always look to history...what was good then is it necessary it will be good now.We all hate it ...including me but isn't life in the end .......adaptability.
If we had remained in prehistoric time saying this is our culture...would there be any progress in any way at all.History somehow is a bane for a country in todays times as History culture and relegion are the foremost things usedto organize a mob....a mob can be manipulated because a mob cannot think....... its led in the way the manipulator wants shrewdly.......
If history was only used to learn from past mistakes it'd be some good else its simply a potent tool....which is the reason the manipulation of history texts is a big issue.
Yeah i think of mobs of how individuals get lost...mobs consist of the greatest individual cowards in general which actually are the majority of this world.One of the classic examples of mob is from history.....Julius caesar(yeah i know ive posted on it earlier)
A mob within hours starts thinking in two diametrically different directions(baying for the blood of the same person they put up on a pedestal) ..... all manipulated by the power of speech.........and what a speech it is.....Classic Absolutely.
A conversation i heard....Walking back home i hear two old grandmas speaking.
A1: My blood was boiling...i packed my bags ...after all for that little food do i have too hear all that
A2: Yeah true
A1: (some desciption i dont hear) Then she said sorry, apologised.... it was her mistake only .... huh who cares for sorry
A2: yeah do what you wish then say sorry...They will suffer the same from their children one day.
A1: What one day ...They are doing it now only.Our upbringing only was different ...we used to beat them and they listened ....Now they get asked upfront by their children"Why are you beating me".....We are being questioned now at this age...they are being questioned now only..huh huh ha....our culture only was different, special..they dare not speak out then.
Its amusing or something to wonder i dont exactly know............
An afterthought in general
This may seem horrible but its just a pattern of thinking so i am keeping a note....
The movie began with "if your blood still does not boil then your blood is water"
Ahem i just think may be water is better...you can see things clearer......blood clots.....blood differs, divides........ water doesn't.(well till it becomes a river i guess and if its Kaveri...o my God)This chain of thoughts better end here.
All the while i am lost in another story that i guess better be the next post.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
A few thoughts , and the book
Its been such a busy past few months that i feel so tired .Its good i kept a day off with no work and no one at home.I feel so much better.I tried to write down all those strange things troubled me.None of them i can do or would do anything i guess.but as much as id love to write all my thoughts its hard.These are actually a memory of those thoughts.
Well what was i doing on the Republic day ...hmm well what else shopping.Did i feel guilty no not at all....i worked hard enough to earn that money but the sick part is this marketing....I dont get why they do this but it helps no one i feel and it sucks.You walk into a big store offering end of season discounts all decked up for the republic day welll upto thats its ok.Why do they play the music from the patriotic songs inside.I mean its sick when you are checking out earring and dresses and all they plan ...all that set of our standard hindi patriotic songs.I find it sickening.Worst was when they played Ae mere watan ke logon......its too sweet a song and too touching to be played like this and it will make no shopper feel any good....so why play it like that.I almost felt like grabbing the idiot who was playing it and smacking some sense.....but i guess my understanding of marketing is bad.
Then there was a day when while going to office in a an auto there was some drainage problem and the whole road was filed withh drainage.It was sickening. i litterally shrunk inside the auto and even the autowallah was dead careful that he not be stained by a drop of that filth.But then i think i saw something so very sickening.There were officials gathered to clear it out and it was being cleared by a tall man neck deep in this drainage.I really felt sick.There simply are no solutions .I know its useless because my thoughts are nothing ...I really admire peoplewho do something about it...but honestly i think ....this world is in such a sick state....beyond repair.One of my very fav songs for such thoughts is always....i mean i think god has messed it up completely ...and he has moved on to some other project.....unable to bear his failure.
"Aasman pe hai khuda ur zameen pe hum
Aaj kal vo is taraf dekhta hai kam"
In this horrible mood with my office making me feel miserable at heart.......even with my tight schedule i am trying to read ......(Stories have a way of taking care of you).The only trouble is the book i have started reading is borrowed from a library to be returned and its a voluminous book and it is not making you feel any better but only more hopeless about this world.This is not to say its a bad book.
Its a very classic book and i think the writer has done an excellent job.I did write about it earlier..."Maximum City" by Suketu Mehta is said to be non fiction.He actually met all those underworld gangsters, hitmen, police its said.I ve only managed to finish half of it.His writing is brilliant but the whole descriptions leave you with a deja vu feeling.
Not that we all dont know it ...its just that we walk around in suspended animation as though its not us.The whole descriptions of common people as gangsters...(no its not the movies...a movie is 3 hours ...it seems fine...bearable.... but when you read such a voluminous book on it)...their decsriptions and thoughts about god and killing.He tells how in his knowledge he says the cheapest rate of life was 50 rs when a rag picker chopped a man he helped kill to buy a plastic sheet.
One part in the book goes like this.He speaks with shakeel on phone and then he gets a favor
"Any trouble you have in bombay.One work free.Bhai said so"
"later when i repeat this story to close friends in bombay, in new york a wistful look comes into their eyes, they start making lists of people they would eliminate if granted such favor.They are half joking...and i am genuinely shocked by the list of names they give--ex-lovers, colleagues................Most of the names they have in mind are those of people they once loved greatly and now hate with equal pasion.Each one of us , I am begining to discover, has a circle of people close to us whose deaths we fantasize about"
Among many other lines as you read and identify is
" The notion of what is luxury and what is a basic need is upended in Bombay.Every slum in jogeshwari has a TV...The real luxuxries are running water, clean bathrooms, transport and housing fit for humans............""The greatest luxury of all is solitude."----This line even when i dont think of bombay i feel in general.......its such a good feeling to have your room....to just be.Somehow its so hard to get it ...people crowd in so much.
The book would be very special to any bombayite i guess but even for a non-bombayite the book is classic...because somewhere bombay is really the amalgam of india...Its just that in Bombay everything is in extremes.there is no judgement of rights, wrongs...its just the truth of life and the inevitable truth that there is no real escape.You hate so much in this country and so run away abroad and then those abroad will tell how they cannot escape the charm of this hated country and start loving it even more once they go abroad.
I have managed to finish Part-I Power and hopefully Part II -Pleasure would be better....but i have to make time to read it.I have to make time....for everything these days it seems.
Its been such a busy past few months that i feel so tired .Its good i kept a day off with no work and no one at home.I feel so much better.I tried to write down all those strange things troubled me.None of them i can do or would do anything i guess.but as much as id love to write all my thoughts its hard.These are actually a memory of those thoughts.
Well what was i doing on the Republic day ...hmm well what else shopping.Did i feel guilty no not at all....i worked hard enough to earn that money but the sick part is this marketing....I dont get why they do this but it helps no one i feel and it sucks.You walk into a big store offering end of season discounts all decked up for the republic day welll upto thats its ok.Why do they play the music from the patriotic songs inside.I mean its sick when you are checking out earring and dresses and all they plan ...all that set of our standard hindi patriotic songs.I find it sickening.Worst was when they played Ae mere watan ke logon......its too sweet a song and too touching to be played like this and it will make no shopper feel any good....so why play it like that.I almost felt like grabbing the idiot who was playing it and smacking some sense.....but i guess my understanding of marketing is bad.
Then there was a day when while going to office in a an auto there was some drainage problem and the whole road was filed withh drainage.It was sickening. i litterally shrunk inside the auto and even the autowallah was dead careful that he not be stained by a drop of that filth.But then i think i saw something so very sickening.There were officials gathered to clear it out and it was being cleared by a tall man neck deep in this drainage.I really felt sick.There simply are no solutions .I know its useless because my thoughts are nothing ...I really admire peoplewho do something about it...but honestly i think ....this world is in such a sick state....beyond repair.One of my very fav songs for such thoughts is always....i mean i think god has messed it up completely ...and he has moved on to some other project.....unable to bear his failure.
"Aasman pe hai khuda ur zameen pe hum
Aaj kal vo is taraf dekhta hai kam"
In this horrible mood with my office making me feel miserable at heart.......even with my tight schedule i am trying to read ......(Stories have a way of taking care of you).The only trouble is the book i have started reading is borrowed from a library to be returned and its a voluminous book and it is not making you feel any better but only more hopeless about this world.This is not to say its a bad book.
Its a very classic book and i think the writer has done an excellent job.I did write about it earlier..."Maximum City" by Suketu Mehta is said to be non fiction.He actually met all those underworld gangsters, hitmen, police its said.I ve only managed to finish half of it.His writing is brilliant but the whole descriptions leave you with a deja vu feeling.
Not that we all dont know it ...its just that we walk around in suspended animation as though its not us.The whole descriptions of common people as gangsters...(no its not the movies...a movie is 3 hours ...it seems fine...bearable.... but when you read such a voluminous book on it)...their decsriptions and thoughts about god and killing.He tells how in his knowledge he says the cheapest rate of life was 50 rs when a rag picker chopped a man he helped kill to buy a plastic sheet.
One part in the book goes like this.He speaks with shakeel on phone and then he gets a favor
"Any trouble you have in bombay.One work free.Bhai said so"
"later when i repeat this story to close friends in bombay, in new york a wistful look comes into their eyes, they start making lists of people they would eliminate if granted such favor.They are half joking...and i am genuinely shocked by the list of names they give--ex-lovers, colleagues................Most of the names they have in mind are those of people they once loved greatly and now hate with equal pasion.Each one of us , I am begining to discover, has a circle of people close to us whose deaths we fantasize about"
Among many other lines as you read and identify is
" The notion of what is luxury and what is a basic need is upended in Bombay.Every slum in jogeshwari has a TV...The real luxuxries are running water, clean bathrooms, transport and housing fit for humans............""The greatest luxury of all is solitude."----This line even when i dont think of bombay i feel in general.......its such a good feeling to have your room....to just be.Somehow its so hard to get it ...people crowd in so much.
The book would be very special to any bombayite i guess but even for a non-bombayite the book is classic...because somewhere bombay is really the amalgam of india...Its just that in Bombay everything is in extremes.there is no judgement of rights, wrongs...its just the truth of life and the inevitable truth that there is no real escape.You hate so much in this country and so run away abroad and then those abroad will tell how they cannot escape the charm of this hated country and start loving it even more once they go abroad.
I have managed to finish Part-I Power and hopefully Part II -Pleasure would be better....but i have to make time to read it.I have to make time....for everything these days it seems.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Ive never haggled as such in my life and its felt a bit sick doing it.I'm not comfortable asking. I like to get what i deserve without asking but that doesn't happen in this world and with my discomfort in asking for things even from my own parents has not helped me much. But life takes you down every lane and hence what happened this week was too much for me.
I hate this whole concepts propagated in organizations taken from abroad and never tailored to our own people here.
They start doing appraisals, individual growth plans and all such things which are quite good on paper but in reality we all know how they are followed up in
Neverthless a gist of what i think was a sick conversation called negotiation
TL:I understand you are doing pretty well but feel paid less so i will ask for a raise for you
Me: ok (my thoughts: good you yourself brought it up ...but then that means i’m obliged to continue in this organization if i have a conscience which i sadly do)
I enter for the general review
PL to Tl :Lets finish hers first...i dont think this lady is critical(whatever he meant by that surely ended up differently)
Pl: you understand this is a general review not a pay review
Me : yeah
We hash out some nonsense about short term ...growth plans and long term goals this that...prove it , grab oppportunity
PL:Ok any concerns
Me: yeah I think you must consider a raise, I started off on a less scale due to my lack of experience in this domain but its time i get my due
TL:yeah i agree she needs one
PL: But you have to wait for six months for your yearly appraisal.Thats policy.
What do you do you think is special deserving a raise?
Me: blah blah some stuff
PL: So there are 7 ppl in a team of 25 doing the same how do you ADD Value(my thoughts:this is a fav word round our place with managers, the work we do seems to have no value i guess).
Me: again some stuff .....
Pl:Ok agreed you have performed well now but do we decrease your pay when you do not perform as well they how can you say increase it
Me: Speeechless( Kya negotiation hai...This is what you gain by 15 yrs exp in industry)
Me yeah but you see i got less last time too and 6 months more wait for a raise is not fair.I as it is started at less
PL: why do you think you are underpaid.There are people who work for less(Yeah Yeah Yeah aur overpaid ka kya)
TL: OK see i think she has done well and she's not getting her due and is underpaid a bit.
Pl:what do you mean by that ..you cannot think individually like that
TL Well i have to think individually for my team (Thoughts:Learning from past mistakes is good..with attrition they try to learn a bit, but i also remeber this support comes with a price...i.e:.stop thinking of a move...grow here....well what doesnt)
PL: then its 25 for you and for me a 100 and for the company a 1000 .How do we go about it
Me: (Feeeling like a watching those tennis matches head turning left to right.)
PL: See you tell me whats outstanding that i forward this raise as policy is 1 yr.
All big companies follow the same .
You tell me a growth plan...make sure you match upto it and take a good raise when your appraisal comes in next six months.
Me:If such was the case why was it not done previous time itself
PL: We did not have a growth plan policy for employees then
Me:Then whats the guarantee it will not be removed next time
PL: Policies are never removed.They are added on but never removed
Me: (Kya baat hai)Well i guess the correct word is changed
PL: yeah right they may (Quick change of topic)
See the thing is think of a Goal..pen your goals try to acheive them dont always think of money.Think of growth in Role.
Me(Superb ab yehi baaki hai sunne ko) see goals are there but on the way you need money
PL: yes just wait for 6 months more.Do something beyond your work and then get it.
Me: there should be an opportunity and scope too
PL:(This is a fav pure managerial jargon)Opportunities dont come you have to take them..Dont always think of the brighter things ..there's work everywhere back office to technical stuff ...all have their place...Go learn a foreign language ..come and tell me and as soon i get a onsite chance overseas i'll pick you.You have to come to me.
(Another chap had got a lecture when he asked about something similar that" am i your counselor why should i tell you what to do"...you do it and show it to me..moot point ---- humility does not pay here)
(My instant thought oh yeah oppportunities hmm so i have to find them)
PL:(he too knows its a common instant thought)By that i dont mean stand out and scream i available for hire.....i mean within the organization prove yourself.
and there was more...i just cant type an hour of sick conversation
Pl: In the end i cant promise anything but i will try to make ppl look at it but remember this means no more appraisal for next 1 yr.
Me:well if its not upto my expectation
Pl:thats why i say take it when its due after 6 months
Me:Well if its not what i asked for then better nothing now as i cant live for a year on
some minimum you will raise.
PL:K lets see
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
releived to be out of the place....Really wishing iIdont get a raise....I want to somehow leave this place.The moment that thought came i knew i woudl get it and be trapped ..................thats the pattern of my life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Me to my friend outside the team....all this story the ask what do i do if they give me less
She: So what take it and if you get a better offer later leave...your pay slip will show higher amount so a better hike at a newer place
Me: but when someone make a exception for you you have to give them, their trust some due
She: oho come on dont think like that...think when you go shopping at the mall what will pay the bill for that lovely top you got dear.Be practical.
Me:yeah but i dont know i dont feel good ...it'll be better if he rejects it.I can hate him and i can move on.
She: arrre yaar tu bhi na
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two days of calm and the you realise more terrible stuffs waiting.
Tl: ok what did you feel about the conversation that day
Me: i dont think he was keen about it
TL: yeah thats the impression you mightve got it its not right (dont know whether PL was playing out the part or TL was covering up for PL..the themselves have no love lost between them we all know)... but ive spoken to him and while what youve asked is not feasible at all as that needs outstanding explanation which will make it hard but a trifle less i can manage but thats what it will be for a year.
So tell me what you prefer wait 6 months or take this now
Me: (i know once i take this special favor i have to stick on for a year unless i sudddenly lose my conscience its a very bad thing to have here in this industry) Ah well see (this was difficult)...i will not ask but a year is too long for a individual may be not for an organisation at least consider depending on performance.
TL: I cant promise ...I may not be around as your Tl then isnt it.
Me:(News.... this is news)hmmm
Tl: Think about it by End of day
Me: Ok i agree
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Well the worst has yet to come
Tl:Ah i spoke to him ..its good you agreed he feels for a trifle less.
But see the thing is did you speak about this to ppl(knows jolly well i'll do it with friends in team)
Me: well yeah i told them i asked for it
TL:You see this will cause trouble....there are others who'd ask for review now because of this and a crowd will be to much.
Me:(Hell this is sick...this they think now)Well what you expect of me
TL: Can you not let anyone know...i know one likes to tell that they are appreciated by a raise but you should understand.
Me:(Good ness me i hate myself...that PL set this up) See i cant say blunt lies....and people will anyway find out and we both will lose credibility. This is why i said no to a big raise in next 6 months also as what would you then justify my 100% raise
compared to a 50% hike for others without making them feel bad.(it is their problem and they put that too on my head)
TL: with whom have you discussed this...have you specified the amount
Me; Well they know what i asked for.Anyway tell me what you want
TL:a morose face(i can see face reflecting ...hopeless girl ... too many friends around) See i know you deserve this its a special case but i might cause trouble.Ok is it possible you can say less tha what you get.
Me: Ok i will do that(I know its hard in a place where pay slips lie about all over the HR and to lie to friends also bcoz i know friends have good friends and so on)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel sick about it.I know by the time its formalised and things slowly come out people will swarm over with questions and repeatedly i have to lie lie and lose my credibilty as such lies never stick.Then there will be that slow emergence of a general opposition and non cooperation....ah organization politics.
What you end up as all over money.....
If only there was no conscience....id have fulfilled what was that my TL said was my potential.
I should have shut up at the start i think and just left the company whenever i got a better chance but how to say no when i knew i should get it and when my TL started it i didnt know(that was a master stroke on the TL's part).
It all leaves such a bad taste....and may be a bad post.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I the hopeless, Me the stubborn, My Time the precious
Isnt time the most precious thing in today's world.
Its the most valuable thing you have and should be given to what we love or we care for and not what we are supposed to care for and love.How rarely we manage to do it in reality.
I've always thought the same but now i am feeling the pinch of it a bit too much.
People try to take so much of it...
in the name of responsibilty
in the name of dutyin the name of work
and you fail to give it to what you love
what deserves the time of your life does not get it.
From birth to death you are given roles to play....
you may say you are irresponsible and
try to escape them...live for yourself but no one leaves you....
and the whole process of evading those responsibilities thrust on you
takes up the same time.
Why we cannot own our own time....
Why cant i use it for what i love
Why do people claim my time as theirs
by blood by money by coercion by fortune.
I feel so horrible...sometimes i feel i am so evil
so self centered....but i try to be just the same as i guess
i better be that than the nice one i once was whom everyone thought is doing a favor by acknowledging...i have come a long way since those days.
What a nice Obedient(nothing ever pleases people be it home or office more) girl i was known as those days and what a hopeless self-centered uncaring girl i have become as per people who've seen me through life.
Everyone from the TV i watched ,to books i read, to friends i have had have been blamed for my transformation though it was i who chose each one of the above.No one ever thinks may be i was the same .... just tried to live upto them but now am fed up and dont care.
where i am supposed to belong i am a thorn
where id like to belong i am a stranger
its some other world "my world"
again the same I ...My
I do wish i was such large hearted as some pretend to be and some may be really
why do i always think of My
My books...My friends..My flowers...My garden..
My room My world....My Time....My Life
All people have a flaw
A flaw which takes them to great heights or their Doom
No i dont think perfect people matter or are visible as anything... success or failure
Its the flaw in your mind..soul that you try to correct ....perfect
that makes people become what they end up as.
Mine is this My....I beleive in nothing worldly as much as i appear in harmony with this worlds ways.
Whatever good i do i relate to some My I think i'll be of any good in this world only when i think"My world"...As long as i think this is God's world..what a hell he has created......i will be the same.
(All this i thought up because after a miserable tiring week my mom lays a claim to my weekend and i protest and i am considered the most hopeless useless hard hearted person.I guess i am really terrible )
"What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960"
Isnt time the most precious thing in today's world.
Its the most valuable thing you have and should be given to what we love or we care for and not what we are supposed to care for and love.How rarely we manage to do it in reality.
I've always thought the same but now i am feeling the pinch of it a bit too much.
People try to take so much of it...
in the name of responsibilty
in the name of dutyin the name of work
and you fail to give it to what you love
what deserves the time of your life does not get it.
From birth to death you are given roles to play....
you may say you are irresponsible and
try to escape them...live for yourself but no one leaves you....
and the whole process of evading those responsibilities thrust on you
takes up the same time.
Why we cannot own our own time....
Why cant i use it for what i love
Why do people claim my time as theirs
by blood by money by coercion by fortune.
I feel so horrible...sometimes i feel i am so evil
so self centered....but i try to be just the same as i guess
i better be that than the nice one i once was whom everyone thought is doing a favor by acknowledging...i have come a long way since those days.
What a nice Obedient(nothing ever pleases people be it home or office more) girl i was known as those days and what a hopeless self-centered uncaring girl i have become as per people who've seen me through life.
Everyone from the TV i watched ,to books i read, to friends i have had have been blamed for my transformation though it was i who chose each one of the above.No one ever thinks may be i was the same .... just tried to live upto them but now am fed up and dont care.
where i am supposed to belong i am a thorn
where id like to belong i am a stranger
its some other world "my world"
again the same I ...My
I do wish i was such large hearted as some pretend to be and some may be really
why do i always think of My
My books...My friends..My flowers...My garden..
My room My world....My Time....My Life
All people have a flaw
A flaw which takes them to great heights or their Doom
No i dont think perfect people matter or are visible as anything... success or failure
Its the flaw in your mind..soul that you try to correct ....perfect
that makes people become what they end up as.
Mine is this My....I beleive in nothing worldly as much as i appear in harmony with this worlds ways.
Whatever good i do i relate to some My I think i'll be of any good in this world only when i think"My world"...As long as i think this is God's world..what a hell he has created......i will be the same.
(All this i thought up because after a miserable tiring week my mom lays a claim to my weekend and i protest and i am considered the most hopeless useless hard hearted person.I guess i am really terrible )
"What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960"
Sunday, February 12, 2006
too tired to read anything new...
too off mood to think anything good
too worried to fall asleep as much as i 'd love to
but needed a break and hence pulled out my collections notebook
and reread this poem by Vikram Seth and thought of just posting it.
---------------------------------------------------------
I saw him turn
With worried haste
And the world's fear
From me.
I shallThrough
month and year
will unlearn
The evident way.
The pain-dense tracks
Dark in the mist
Will see snow fall.
I will retaste
The tang of day,
The ceased belief
That paths exist
Outside this grief.
Vikram Seth
-----------------------------------------------------------
too off mood to think anything good
too worried to fall asleep as much as i 'd love to
but needed a break and hence pulled out my collections notebook
and reread this poem by Vikram Seth and thought of just posting it.
---------------------------------------------------------
I saw him turn
With worried haste
And the world's fear
From me.
I shallThrough
month and year
will unlearn
The evident way.
The pain-dense tracks
Dark in the mist
Will see snow fall.
I will retaste
The tang of day,
The ceased belief
That paths exist
Outside this grief.
Vikram Seth
-----------------------------------------------------------
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Oh when a book triggers memories.....
"My one particular ex-boss.My life when i worked for him was living hell and was probably the worst phase of my life.I used to wonder why this was happening to me.Now i know without that experience i could not have done this book.Thank you mr ex-bos for making me suffer"
even before i could read the book i was kind of rolling in laughter and enjoying it ..yes i knew one day i am going to use these exact lines somewhere if i ever write any kinda book.
Yeah Mr Chetan Bhagat has created a wonderful Mr Bakshi in One Night at The Call Center and while many people may think this is just a case of excessiveness in Fiction it is not so..for if Mr Bakshi ever competed with my Ex Boss he would come out in Flying Colors.He was not a manager in my view anyway, with his Horrendous insecurity, Self Centeredness and pathetic acting ability which he continually used to show his sincerity when it was absolutely visible he was his immediate boss’s stooge a perfect YES Boss kind .In fact that was his Punchline “Yes Boss.”
But yeah like Mr Bhagat i too owe him..all my team mates do...the fun we had the friendships we made were partly because of the adversity because of him.
Truly it is in adversity that you make the best friends.
I though owe him a little more.Before working under him i never knew someone could be so scared of me, that i had such a power to influence people.
He had a kind of phobia with me that i was trouble for him and hence created trouble for me.....which well took too long for him to work out and fine tune and by the time it did he himself landed flat on his face....i was out for good by then.
In fact he had the verve to tell a new recruit in our team who was quite friendly with me to keep off certain negative people..but then again as ever he misjudged the person he said that too...not one to back down he got a stern lashing from the girl...”it is you who are being negative by such talk” was what she flung in his face.
He certainly made life hell for quite a whole bunch of us....... but fortunately we were a bunch of quite spirited people and since it was never a career we rebelled and life had its worst and best moments there.I too wondered why me...why have i to be here..... but yeah after that experience i learnt a lot about how not to handle people.I wish i had started my blog then instead of being lazy...it was a more interesting phase of life even though it was horrible...you had something or some one to fight.
Whenever we chat up ...us old friends we can never end a conversation without referrring to him...he was such a focal point then and among us unconsciously he is i guess. He ensured that everyone in the team hated him...only difference was some were brave enough to be open and some too tepid to say it out.
I remember how he sulked to his friend why the heck does my team have the maximum no of engineers and not just normal graduates.
He had once asked me define creativity...i was hardly in any mood to talk to him leave alone define ...i just said its something new ....he explained it to me...it means the “same things done in a different new way”....wow i thought ...how well he learnt the definition by heart.(That was the day i decided for sure i was resigning (though that was the aim since the day i joined but that was different) asap ---- enough money or not for job search......learning creativity from him...God save me)
That guy had some crack...even when i gave him my resignation letter he asked me to sit and was trying to explain what was not fine(it was a near copy of the exact letter i wrote most part of for my friend and he had no problems with when he signed it for my friend) in it...It was way too much and i remember the last line i spoke to him
“ What difference does it make now. Get to the Point” and he said ok and dissapeared into HR and that was last i saw his sordid face.
Nevertheless getting back to the book it shows what is the difference between a story teller and a writer. My friend asked which was better “Five Point Someone” or “One Night at The call Center” and while i tried to explain stuff about how Five Point was racy and hilarious but the end choice for me was “One Night...” because i felt it explore human nature , emotions and was more realistic even with the most unrealistic unending (perfect filmi) than Five Point which was very well written esp by someone who’s not an author...lots of great humor.May be i also liked it because i could imagine it better than people who have never been in a BPO...though again here i think its too unrealistic because in real time there is no chance of having that much time as is portrayed in the story(he conveniently puts them in section for special calls and bypasses the issue).
I neither think he gave a very true acccount neither was he way off the mark. It was good but it left so much more out you feel.How well a good writer could have written you feel.But Neverthless he’s the one who dared to tell the story and great credit for that unlike writers who still write ancient stories which are hard to relate.The book’s good and a damn easy read even the slowest readers should finish it in 5 hrs maximum.
The book though had me laughing....so much....it served as a reminder to many many jokes that are a part of life there.
That Microsoft word funda in it seems so stupid to us but i can bet that 70% of the Americans will fall for it.
And there a line in it where the character Shyam says something like “yeah Americans are clever say like 1 in 10 is brilliant and the rest of them call us here at night”....How many time i ve said it heard it its unbeleivable.
I also started off on Suketu Mehta’s Maximum City sometime ago and just 50 pages in that voluminous book and you feel What a writer is. Taking a simple situation and putting such life into it.
Here the describes his feeling when he came back to Bombay which he left when in school and now has come back with his family from New York with happy nostalgia for his city but finds the hardships of life and frustration.
“This fucking city.The sea should rush in over these islands in one great tidal wave and obliterate it, cover it under water.It should be bomber from the air.
Every morning i get angry.It is the only way to get anything done;people here respond to anger, are afraid of it. In the absence of money or connections, anger will do.I begin to understand the uses of anger as theatre – with taxi drivers, doormen , plumbers, government bureaucrats. Even my CD player in India responds to anger , physical violence; when a gentle press of PLAY buton fails to arouse it from slumber, a hard smack across the side propels it into sound.”
That CD player thing had me ...i mean how many times i ve smacked my television and got it straight only i know. i especially related so much to that frustration and anger feeling.
Its a fortnight since i started the book and have had no time to continue it sadly.
"My one particular ex-boss.My life when i worked for him was living hell and was probably the worst phase of my life.I used to wonder why this was happening to me.Now i know without that experience i could not have done this book.Thank you mr ex-bos for making me suffer"
even before i could read the book i was kind of rolling in laughter and enjoying it ..yes i knew one day i am going to use these exact lines somewhere if i ever write any kinda book.
Yeah Mr Chetan Bhagat has created a wonderful Mr Bakshi in One Night at The Call Center and while many people may think this is just a case of excessiveness in Fiction it is not so..for if Mr Bakshi ever competed with my Ex Boss he would come out in Flying Colors.He was not a manager in my view anyway, with his Horrendous insecurity, Self Centeredness and pathetic acting ability which he continually used to show his sincerity when it was absolutely visible he was his immediate boss’s stooge a perfect YES Boss kind .In fact that was his Punchline “Yes Boss.”
But yeah like Mr Bhagat i too owe him..all my team mates do...the fun we had the friendships we made were partly because of the adversity because of him.
Truly it is in adversity that you make the best friends.
I though owe him a little more.Before working under him i never knew someone could be so scared of me, that i had such a power to influence people.
He had a kind of phobia with me that i was trouble for him and hence created trouble for me.....which well took too long for him to work out and fine tune and by the time it did he himself landed flat on his face....i was out for good by then.
In fact he had the verve to tell a new recruit in our team who was quite friendly with me to keep off certain negative people..but then again as ever he misjudged the person he said that too...not one to back down he got a stern lashing from the girl...”it is you who are being negative by such talk” was what she flung in his face.
He certainly made life hell for quite a whole bunch of us....... but fortunately we were a bunch of quite spirited people and since it was never a career we rebelled and life had its worst and best moments there.I too wondered why me...why have i to be here..... but yeah after that experience i learnt a lot about how not to handle people.I wish i had started my blog then instead of being lazy...it was a more interesting phase of life even though it was horrible...you had something or some one to fight.
Whenever we chat up ...us old friends we can never end a conversation without referrring to him...he was such a focal point then and among us unconsciously he is i guess. He ensured that everyone in the team hated him...only difference was some were brave enough to be open and some too tepid to say it out.
I remember how he sulked to his friend why the heck does my team have the maximum no of engineers and not just normal graduates.
He had once asked me define creativity...i was hardly in any mood to talk to him leave alone define ...i just said its something new ....he explained it to me...it means the “same things done in a different new way”....wow i thought ...how well he learnt the definition by heart.(That was the day i decided for sure i was resigning (though that was the aim since the day i joined but that was different) asap ---- enough money or not for job search......learning creativity from him...God save me)
That guy had some crack...even when i gave him my resignation letter he asked me to sit and was trying to explain what was not fine(it was a near copy of the exact letter i wrote most part of for my friend and he had no problems with when he signed it for my friend) in it...It was way too much and i remember the last line i spoke to him
“ What difference does it make now. Get to the Point” and he said ok and dissapeared into HR and that was last i saw his sordid face.
Nevertheless getting back to the book it shows what is the difference between a story teller and a writer. My friend asked which was better “Five Point Someone” or “One Night at The call Center” and while i tried to explain stuff about how Five Point was racy and hilarious but the end choice for me was “One Night...” because i felt it explore human nature , emotions and was more realistic even with the most unrealistic unending (perfect filmi) than Five Point which was very well written esp by someone who’s not an author...lots of great humor.May be i also liked it because i could imagine it better than people who have never been in a BPO...though again here i think its too unrealistic because in real time there is no chance of having that much time as is portrayed in the story(he conveniently puts them in section for special calls and bypasses the issue).
I neither think he gave a very true acccount neither was he way off the mark. It was good but it left so much more out you feel.How well a good writer could have written you feel.But Neverthless he’s the one who dared to tell the story and great credit for that unlike writers who still write ancient stories which are hard to relate.The book’s good and a damn easy read even the slowest readers should finish it in 5 hrs maximum.
The book though had me laughing....so much....it served as a reminder to many many jokes that are a part of life there.
That Microsoft word funda in it seems so stupid to us but i can bet that 70% of the Americans will fall for it.
And there a line in it where the character Shyam says something like “yeah Americans are clever say like 1 in 10 is brilliant and the rest of them call us here at night”....How many time i ve said it heard it its unbeleivable.
I also started off on Suketu Mehta’s Maximum City sometime ago and just 50 pages in that voluminous book and you feel What a writer is. Taking a simple situation and putting such life into it.
Here the describes his feeling when he came back to Bombay which he left when in school and now has come back with his family from New York with happy nostalgia for his city but finds the hardships of life and frustration.
“This fucking city.The sea should rush in over these islands in one great tidal wave and obliterate it, cover it under water.It should be bomber from the air.
Every morning i get angry.It is the only way to get anything done;people here respond to anger, are afraid of it. In the absence of money or connections, anger will do.I begin to understand the uses of anger as theatre – with taxi drivers, doormen , plumbers, government bureaucrats. Even my CD player in India responds to anger , physical violence; when a gentle press of PLAY buton fails to arouse it from slumber, a hard smack across the side propels it into sound.”
That CD player thing had me ...i mean how many times i ve smacked my television and got it straight only i know. i especially related so much to that frustration and anger feeling.
Its a fortnight since i started the book and have had no time to continue it sadly.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
I am the sorrow in everyone's world
all who are unfortunate to be named as mine without their choice
I am the pain in everyone's lifethe pain that ruins their happiness
I never did belongI never could belongto you O World
There's this deep flaw in me which sees through your flaws
So i can never belong to you or to your own
Those who live by you blindly--- the ways of you O mighty world.
You who denied me Happiness i never complained
but you who want to rob me of my right to live by myself in my pain
and not belong to your farce
the right to be me and not you....
You may win , you may win despite my fight
because you go onbecause you have the numbers
and i am a human unlike you which consists of a collective humanity
a sea where the an individual means nothing
you may win because you conspire with fate
you may win because i fight with handicaps
but you'll never win in my mind
this life and any other life ever
I may lose one day may be pretty soon in your sphere
but that day is the day you fear O world
For i will destroy all who conspired with my fate
being just that the sorrow the hurt
I who will have nothing to lose
I who will be the pain in all your own
I who will be the hated in all labelled my own
Will make you lose O world...
will live on to make you and your ilk lose.
all who are unfortunate to be named as mine without their choice
I am the pain in everyone's lifethe pain that ruins their happiness
I never did belongI never could belongto you O World
There's this deep flaw in me which sees through your flaws
So i can never belong to you or to your own
Those who live by you blindly--- the ways of you O mighty world.
You who denied me Happiness i never complained
but you who want to rob me of my right to live by myself in my pain
and not belong to your farce
the right to be me and not you....
You may win , you may win despite my fight
because you go onbecause you have the numbers
and i am a human unlike you which consists of a collective humanity
a sea where the an individual means nothing
you may win because you conspire with fate
you may win because i fight with handicaps
but you'll never win in my mind
this life and any other life ever
I may lose one day may be pretty soon in your sphere
but that day is the day you fear O world
For i will destroy all who conspired with my fate
being just that the sorrow the hurt
I who will have nothing to lose
I who will be the pain in all your own
I who will be the hated in all labelled my own
Will make you lose O world...
will live on to make you and your ilk lose.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
A menace in my life
Astrologers have been the menace of my life .Hence its no wonder that i associated them with Macbeth’s Witches (I am heavily influenced by my school education having a good dose of shakespeare)long before they actually caused the real damage.They’ve harmed me probably more than i can or would write about.So do i hate astrology...am a non beleiver.NO Not really and herein lies the issue.My views on fate i wrote about earlier in a post.So yes i do beleive in fate but not in the way most people do.Fate as i said determine what we have to choose from(which sometimes is devil and deep sea, bad and worse) but i do beleive we can choose.One book which i enjoyed(well i admit i am a bit just a lil bit partial to books which agree with my thoughts.I dont learn from books mostly i find great solace in them ...its like yeahh..someone thinks like me...agrees with me as weird as i think type) is ONE by Richard Bach though unlike him i think we are limited by fate greatly.
Anyway the main topic astrology lets assume is right and i actually think its an art if not a science.the sad story is 99% of the astrologers are not skilled in this intricate art and by claiming to predict and handle fate they doom lives(exactly what the witches in macbeth did).It seems a small thing but then “ It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.”
The witches thing is a really wonderful analysis
These so called pandits and astrologers are consulted and the first thing they’ll say is it’ll be fine if a small puja is done or this n that.Next will be a trip to some holy place ...if this too fails then the person will be himself/herself advised to do pujas fasting etc etc...making life hapless for a working person.If all fails they use the last escape route.Whatever you do you should do with shraddha else its waste...oh yeah then damn the late honesty.Its easy for me to trash them here but in the social set up that we live in i know how hard it is to ignore them.You may not care but family and people all around you do.
its not like i dont enjoy it as long as its for fun but their remedies..hmmm.I do check out horoscopes..play tarot..analyse my terrible numerology...dabble with people professing to be palmists but to have them change your life irreparably is a big risk...It is a big risk if you have people beleiving in such stuff blindly all around you.Its honestly beyond me to explain to anyone why me moved from a house we had been staying since long(for me i was terribly attached to my garden there) as all the holy men after explaining something or the other ended up on one line..this house is closed on east...so no progress in life...oh yeah damn them.So now we live in a place that has no privacy and no garden.(i’ll never get over this though i never admit).everytime one such person visits us it ends in a row. earlier it used to be just some external headches so i cared a fig but now i am roped into such nonsense and i hate it.
I hate getting up early morning since forever. Even my manager has stopped expecting me early but my mom is a eternal optimist and tries it still. Unbelievable she still expects i’ll change after 28 years of knowing me.(In fact thats the personal joke among us sisters...our parents are so very optimistic that we have been given none of it...same can be said of their being so energetic and we two so lazy).
it is not astrology i hate ...it is the Powerplay(there are two kinds some do it for money and some to feel powerful to know and affect others fates) that comes with it....and used by so called astrologers.Some can be excused esp the village and such uneducated ones who live a time wrap.....they still dont know that a jobs ...lifestyles and other stuff..yeah people are falling back to old world theories and astrology but is it really possible ...no people simply mould it....if its succesful ...its fine if not it was done with shraddha.Then we have technical and highly educated specialists in this fields after all astrology is a very dominant segment of the internet.
The thing is even if an astrologer reads or knows something correctly they will not say it right.they will not tell a man he will die even if they see it. They talk in riddles and ensure they have a escape route and each word they say can be construed to a different meaning (its is here that i related it best to macbeth’s witches .One can read a quick 1 page story here. http://www.bardweb.net/plays/macbeth.html )
Earlier for me predictions used to be of just one use.
If a good one they added to the feel good factor.
If bad they gave me a thrill factor—the thrill of hoping to one day prove a stupid person wrong.
(but then i know they’ll get away with 1 line...mistakes happen)
But alas this was before but now that all their strategies have run out i am targeted personally or rather my sleep....my elixir and my own personal time.
This is a ridiculous post may be but years later it will be good fun for me i guess.
Astrologers have been the menace of my life .Hence its no wonder that i associated them with Macbeth’s Witches (I am heavily influenced by my school education having a good dose of shakespeare)long before they actually caused the real damage.They’ve harmed me probably more than i can or would write about.So do i hate astrology...am a non beleiver.NO Not really and herein lies the issue.My views on fate i wrote about earlier in a post.So yes i do beleive in fate but not in the way most people do.Fate as i said determine what we have to choose from(which sometimes is devil and deep sea, bad and worse) but i do beleive we can choose.One book which i enjoyed(well i admit i am a bit just a lil bit partial to books which agree with my thoughts.I dont learn from books mostly i find great solace in them ...its like yeahh..someone thinks like me...agrees with me as weird as i think type) is ONE by Richard Bach though unlike him i think we are limited by fate greatly.
Anyway the main topic astrology lets assume is right and i actually think its an art if not a science.the sad story is 99% of the astrologers are not skilled in this intricate art and by claiming to predict and handle fate they doom lives(exactly what the witches in macbeth did).It seems a small thing but then “ It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.”
The witches thing is a really wonderful analysis
These so called pandits and astrologers are consulted and the first thing they’ll say is it’ll be fine if a small puja is done or this n that.Next will be a trip to some holy place ...if this too fails then the person will be himself/herself advised to do pujas fasting etc etc...making life hapless for a working person.If all fails they use the last escape route.Whatever you do you should do with shraddha else its waste...oh yeah then damn the late honesty.Its easy for me to trash them here but in the social set up that we live in i know how hard it is to ignore them.You may not care but family and people all around you do.
its not like i dont enjoy it as long as its for fun but their remedies..hmmm.I do check out horoscopes..play tarot..analyse my terrible numerology...dabble with people professing to be palmists but to have them change your life irreparably is a big risk...It is a big risk if you have people beleiving in such stuff blindly all around you.Its honestly beyond me to explain to anyone why me moved from a house we had been staying since long(for me i was terribly attached to my garden there) as all the holy men after explaining something or the other ended up on one line..this house is closed on east...so no progress in life...oh yeah damn them.So now we live in a place that has no privacy and no garden.(i’ll never get over this though i never admit).everytime one such person visits us it ends in a row. earlier it used to be just some external headches so i cared a fig but now i am roped into such nonsense and i hate it.
I hate getting up early morning since forever. Even my manager has stopped expecting me early but my mom is a eternal optimist and tries it still. Unbelievable she still expects i’ll change after 28 years of knowing me.(In fact thats the personal joke among us sisters...our parents are so very optimistic that we have been given none of it...same can be said of their being so energetic and we two so lazy).
it is not astrology i hate ...it is the Powerplay(there are two kinds some do it for money and some to feel powerful to know and affect others fates) that comes with it....and used by so called astrologers.Some can be excused esp the village and such uneducated ones who live a time wrap.....they still dont know that a jobs ...lifestyles and other stuff..yeah people are falling back to old world theories and astrology but is it really possible ...no people simply mould it....if its succesful ...its fine if not it was done with shraddha.Then we have technical and highly educated specialists in this fields after all astrology is a very dominant segment of the internet.
The thing is even if an astrologer reads or knows something correctly they will not say it right.they will not tell a man he will die even if they see it. They talk in riddles and ensure they have a escape route and each word they say can be construed to a different meaning (its is here that i related it best to macbeth’s witches .One can read a quick 1 page story here. http://www.bardweb.net/plays/macbeth.html )
Earlier for me predictions used to be of just one use.
If a good one they added to the feel good factor.
If bad they gave me a thrill factor—the thrill of hoping to one day prove a stupid person wrong.
(but then i know they’ll get away with 1 line...mistakes happen)
But alas this was before but now that all their strategies have run out i am targeted personally or rather my sleep....my elixir and my own personal time.
This is a ridiculous post may be but years later it will be good fun for me i guess.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
As i look back on a really favorite love story
I just got onto a site where i found a bunch of e books so was thrilled....why when i actually hate ebooks..well ebooks are good for reference and for looking back not to read completely.i always wanted to have those wonderful bookshelves lined with oh so many books but what with my getting a room for myself still a dream..i cant imagine a library for myself...so with the cramped up space that life is here ebooks help to have near you whatever you like to refer back.....good esp for some one like me who reads a looooot but remembers only what i like ...or hate...all the other stuff i kind of forget...of nearly 200 novels(including quite soem nonsensical timepass) i compiled as having read i guess i hardly remember 100 of them.
E books help help here.....say a 300 page novel if u do not possess at home and read in a library then after 2years you only remember 20 pages of it ...rest is like a vague story....the special lines and all get lost.So i collect whatever few i can and with a compilation of all short stories of archer in txt format...
I was pleased to download and re-read my favorite story called "Old love" in a "Quiver full of arrows" by Jeffrey Archer...and i loved it.I think its one of the most loveliest love stories thats been written..at least surely one among the numerous ive read.Its not like the most sentimental stuff or emotional play ....its simply wonderful verbal banter and i have a weakness for such.
I enjoy such stuff immensely be it in movies or serials and definitely in books.Probably thats why 'Friends' happens to be my favorite sitcom...not that i watch many but still i really love verbal duels.I enjoy Jeffrey archer in general anyway but his short stories i find a lot more interesting than his more famous novels........though Not a penny more ....is awesome i must say(Funnily that was the only Archer book i had not read a few years back....so i read the best the last)But most of his short stories are those sudden endings....clever stories of law and crime and such but when you speak of a love story and Archer people may think twice but this one story called "Old love" beats them all for me.
Its wonderful...i still remember the first time i read it in college i could almost make up a sharukh kajol movie out of it...its so slick clever and fun yet very touching....full of arguments and one line repartees.
Too good...just read it twice in less tahn an hour...i am hopeless...i have to study for my distance exam which i wont ....donno why i applied firstly and i have to brush up my technical stuff to get out this job and here i am rereading stories and then blogging. i really am hopeless in the scheme of this world.
I have a tendency to enjoy what i hear more than visual i think because my memory funnily is more verbal not visual.....my thought today was this ....i cannot remmeber much what i saw somehow in a day...in fact i think most of the time i do not even notice...i hear... i listen....Someone in my old office once had said(dont know what he meant by that to this date)
" you dont see things ....yeah u use ur ears too well"......may be the fact that i overhear...well people should take care what and where to talk i thought cant help it if ur audible to me i thought. yeah i mean i do listen to things around(not get in and hear like ekta kapoors serials where it is compulsory to hide and overhear private conversations) ....and i am very perceptive about reading between the lines...what i dont hear.I some how lack a visual memory ...hmm.....and i make it up by imagination.As i said i dont see but if i know what it is i kind of imagine it ..... i guess its better than reality.Imagination always is extremes....i guess too good or too bad.I tried asking myself what flowers in my garden i remember and god i remembered so many and i know i imagine them prettier than they were sometimes(flowers are anyway lovely i tell myself)....my imagination corrupts my memory always...may be thats why i keep this blog so i look back and remember rather than imagine things.
Well now where did i start the post...yeah its really the best short love story(its such a simple story and yet its too good...honestly simple things and gestures are the most beautiful and memorable any day).
I just got onto a site where i found a bunch of e books so was thrilled....why when i actually hate ebooks..well ebooks are good for reference and for looking back not to read completely.i always wanted to have those wonderful bookshelves lined with oh so many books but what with my getting a room for myself still a dream..i cant imagine a library for myself...so with the cramped up space that life is here ebooks help to have near you whatever you like to refer back.....good esp for some one like me who reads a looooot but remembers only what i like ...or hate...all the other stuff i kind of forget...of nearly 200 novels(including quite soem nonsensical timepass) i compiled as having read i guess i hardly remember 100 of them.
E books help help here.....say a 300 page novel if u do not possess at home and read in a library then after 2years you only remember 20 pages of it ...rest is like a vague story....the special lines and all get lost.So i collect whatever few i can and with a compilation of all short stories of archer in txt format...
I was pleased to download and re-read my favorite story called "Old love" in a "Quiver full of arrows" by Jeffrey Archer...and i loved it.I think its one of the most loveliest love stories thats been written..at least surely one among the numerous ive read.Its not like the most sentimental stuff or emotional play ....its simply wonderful verbal banter and i have a weakness for such.
I enjoy such stuff immensely be it in movies or serials and definitely in books.Probably thats why 'Friends' happens to be my favorite sitcom...not that i watch many but still i really love verbal duels.I enjoy Jeffrey archer in general anyway but his short stories i find a lot more interesting than his more famous novels........though Not a penny more ....is awesome i must say(Funnily that was the only Archer book i had not read a few years back....so i read the best the last)But most of his short stories are those sudden endings....clever stories of law and crime and such but when you speak of a love story and Archer people may think twice but this one story called "Old love" beats them all for me.
Its wonderful...i still remember the first time i read it in college i could almost make up a sharukh kajol movie out of it...its so slick clever and fun yet very touching....full of arguments and one line repartees.
Too good...just read it twice in less tahn an hour...i am hopeless...i have to study for my distance exam which i wont ....donno why i applied firstly and i have to brush up my technical stuff to get out this job and here i am rereading stories and then blogging. i really am hopeless in the scheme of this world.
I have a tendency to enjoy what i hear more than visual i think because my memory funnily is more verbal not visual.....my thought today was this ....i cannot remmeber much what i saw somehow in a day...in fact i think most of the time i do not even notice...i hear... i listen....Someone in my old office once had said(dont know what he meant by that to this date)
" you dont see things ....yeah u use ur ears too well"......may be the fact that i overhear...well people should take care what and where to talk i thought cant help it if ur audible to me i thought. yeah i mean i do listen to things around(not get in and hear like ekta kapoors serials where it is compulsory to hide and overhear private conversations) ....and i am very perceptive about reading between the lines...what i dont hear.I some how lack a visual memory ...hmm.....and i make it up by imagination.As i said i dont see but if i know what it is i kind of imagine it ..... i guess its better than reality.Imagination always is extremes....i guess too good or too bad.I tried asking myself what flowers in my garden i remember and god i remembered so many and i know i imagine them prettier than they were sometimes(flowers are anyway lovely i tell myself)....my imagination corrupts my memory always...may be thats why i keep this blog so i look back and remember rather than imagine things.
Well now where did i start the post...yeah its really the best short love story(its such a simple story and yet its too good...honestly simple things and gestures are the most beautiful and memorable any day).
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Drift
I'll drift now
drift with this world to nothingness
so weary of fighting
i tell myself, but i know somewhere deep down
its my destinyto fight
lose may be most,win may be few,
if this is lost
i'll find something new to fight
if i lose to this world
i'll fight my own self
but fight i will
as much i try to drift
#############################
I'll drift now
drift with this world to nothingness
so weary of fighting
i tell myself, but i know somewhere deep down
its my destinyto fight
lose may be most,win may be few,
if this is lost
i'll find something new to fight
if i lose to this world
i'll fight my own self
but fight i will
as much i try to drift
#############################
I dont usually post songs here but somehow the lyrics of
this very nice song from ‘Gardish’ seem like my thoughts....
haan ye hai ki hum ye baat bahut pehle samaj gaye...
bas aaj fir yaad kiya...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hum na samjhe the
baat itni si
khaab sheeshe ke
duniya paththar ki
Aarzoo humne ki to hum paae
Aarzoo humne ki to hum paae
roshni saath laai thi saaye
saaye gehre the
roshni halki
Sirf veeranee sirf tanhayee
sirf veeranee sirf tanhayee
zindahi humko ye kahan laayee?
kho gayi humse raah manzil ki
kya koi beche kya koi baante
kya koi beche kya koi baante
apne daaman mein sirf hain kaante
aur dukanein hain sirf phoolon ki
Hum na samjhe the
baat itni si
khaab sheeshe ke
duniya paththar ki
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Positivity...my arguments
This is written for a friend ... a dear stubborn person (though a little less than me) who’s simply hell bent on making life hard ....added to it he says thats the
thrill of life.hmm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well i tried to write a positive post as you said .......actually thought but then i have just one thought what do you mean by positive.....its like saying yes this is good ....i may not see why it happened...its good basically in one line “whatever happens it happens for the good”.
Not a hard thing if you just want to put in words but what objective will it acheive...the immediate example: “yeah its good that my exit policy says two months notice ...now instead of being lazy i will focus more on exiting this trap.So i should be happy about it rather than curse the HR for such stupid mindless changes.”Well if thats positive dear i am definitely not into it.
Firstly id say i would have been happier if youd live beleiving in positivity ...
whatever negative happened with you saddened me( i know now u’ll say its not negative) ...may be my sadness is nothing compared to the pain of yours of losing your dream but neverthless it made me sad to see someone shaken from their beleif in positivity in ...self beleif...yes i'd still like it if you'd have that stubborn beleif that if not today someday u'll crack ur dream...but as i said life gets to you after a certain point.I would have been happiest to lose this point but as i said life kind of wins and i hate it....i really hate it.
I am not writing this in defence as i dont explain or actually i dont care to explain myself but its only for the concern you express that i am trying to clarify.
Negative people are people who belittle others dreams...people who only beleive they have only one perspective and think all others are wrong.It is never that simple.
I do not consider myself negative ... but yes my instant reaction to anything is to immediately see the negative aspect of it but i have always said..it is my mind which is negative . At heart i am very optimistic else id not survive the failures of this world.
The thing that i argue for...is also positivity but we have a difference of perception in seeing it.For you positive thinking is a denial of the existence of negative. You want to try to find a positive out look in every happening. In my case positive thinking is hoping and trying to be positive despite the existence of the negative and unfavorable circumstances. Its like this you see a cracked glass and say ignore the crack ...its a beautiful glass anyway...id say no it has a crack and still there are some ways of cracking glass which makes them look very pretty but neverthless there is a crack. Its never the perfect clear glass the way it was to be.It is here that our perspectives differ.
Positive attitude may make you succeed i guess more so in today's competitive world where there is no time to get over wounds true but then how it relates to living life i doubt.
To write only positive stuff when i relate something say on my blog is like telling myself what i choose to say...i.e like whatever i see i say yes thats fine ...thats right ...thats good. Its like denying the truth and claiming to be happy when you are not and constantly doing it trains one in those great areas of being unattached and unaffected.I think that takes away the pleasure of being a human being.Saints may be great but m not too fond of them.
The ability to feel is very important as per me.”To live with the saints in heaven will be eternal bliss and glory, But to live with saints on earth is an altogether different story!”
If given a choice between feeling numb and feeling pain i guess i will go for pain because pain symbolises you are alive.....it makes you hope for it to end and bring soothing.I hate the feeling of no feeling --- of no sadness...because then it means no happiness.I am not very fond of the nirvana state....beyond happiness and pain.
But all this is for me...there are people for whom it works better to cultivate such attitude of unaffectednes....its helpful....it makes life easy though its hard to cultivate the detached attitude.As for me no ..... i like to be angry....sad and then find something to be happy despite it and i can be that ...my greatest problem are always a bunch of people whose thinking is very negative with respect to my chosen ways and thoughts.These people are present in every sphere and while negative people are to be avoided is suggested its not posible in reality u have to deal with them.
The problem at least for me from your perspective is this ...if you deny the existence of negative and take all things as same as in your case positive then you stop feeling you start laughing and saying you are happy about everything this slowly makes you kind of inanimate in the sense that you lose feeling.
May be thats what all those great teachers preach the state of being unaffected by anything but personally i am not greatly in favor of that.Human beings are supposed to feel and yes if something goes to extremes one should handle it but taking all things as same as is preached in all our great stuff is not my cup of tea.
I dont find it great...this sense of unattachment of being unaffected...and your way of positivity is similar to that .Whatever happens you say may be something good is why it happened but all i ask is fine you are true but i think yeah but if it had happened as i had hoped it would have been very good.
My fault was by sulking too much on that “very good factor” i lose the “present good”.
The past few years surely changed that aspect.....i probably live more in the moment these days than for tomorrow...but somewhere i miss the hope for tommorow.
I never was negative dear...After all my favorite line was and is...
”Tomorrow is another day”.
P.S: All this is w.r.t me......you be happy truly as you are but never pretend to be happy.
This is written for a friend ... a dear stubborn person (though a little less than me) who’s simply hell bent on making life hard ....added to it he says thats the
thrill of life.hmm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well i tried to write a positive post as you said .......actually thought but then i have just one thought what do you mean by positive.....its like saying yes this is good ....i may not see why it happened...its good basically in one line “whatever happens it happens for the good”.
Not a hard thing if you just want to put in words but what objective will it acheive...the immediate example: “yeah its good that my exit policy says two months notice ...now instead of being lazy i will focus more on exiting this trap.So i should be happy about it rather than curse the HR for such stupid mindless changes.”Well if thats positive dear i am definitely not into it.
Firstly id say i would have been happier if youd live beleiving in positivity ...
whatever negative happened with you saddened me( i know now u’ll say its not negative) ...may be my sadness is nothing compared to the pain of yours of losing your dream but neverthless it made me sad to see someone shaken from their beleif in positivity in ...self beleif...yes i'd still like it if you'd have that stubborn beleif that if not today someday u'll crack ur dream...but as i said life gets to you after a certain point.I would have been happiest to lose this point but as i said life kind of wins and i hate it....i really hate it.
I am not writing this in defence as i dont explain or actually i dont care to explain myself but its only for the concern you express that i am trying to clarify.
Negative people are people who belittle others dreams...people who only beleive they have only one perspective and think all others are wrong.It is never that simple.
I do not consider myself negative ... but yes my instant reaction to anything is to immediately see the negative aspect of it but i have always said..it is my mind which is negative . At heart i am very optimistic else id not survive the failures of this world.
The thing that i argue for...is also positivity but we have a difference of perception in seeing it.For you positive thinking is a denial of the existence of negative. You want to try to find a positive out look in every happening. In my case positive thinking is hoping and trying to be positive despite the existence of the negative and unfavorable circumstances. Its like this you see a cracked glass and say ignore the crack ...its a beautiful glass anyway...id say no it has a crack and still there are some ways of cracking glass which makes them look very pretty but neverthless there is a crack. Its never the perfect clear glass the way it was to be.It is here that our perspectives differ.
Positive attitude may make you succeed i guess more so in today's competitive world where there is no time to get over wounds true but then how it relates to living life i doubt.
To write only positive stuff when i relate something say on my blog is like telling myself what i choose to say...i.e like whatever i see i say yes thats fine ...thats right ...thats good. Its like denying the truth and claiming to be happy when you are not and constantly doing it trains one in those great areas of being unattached and unaffected.I think that takes away the pleasure of being a human being.Saints may be great but m not too fond of them.
The ability to feel is very important as per me.”To live with the saints in heaven will be eternal bliss and glory, But to live with saints on earth is an altogether different story!”
If given a choice between feeling numb and feeling pain i guess i will go for pain because pain symbolises you are alive.....it makes you hope for it to end and bring soothing.I hate the feeling of no feeling --- of no sadness...because then it means no happiness.I am not very fond of the nirvana state....beyond happiness and pain.
But all this is for me...there are people for whom it works better to cultivate such attitude of unaffectednes....its helpful....it makes life easy though its hard to cultivate the detached attitude.As for me no ..... i like to be angry....sad and then find something to be happy despite it and i can be that ...my greatest problem are always a bunch of people whose thinking is very negative with respect to my chosen ways and thoughts.These people are present in every sphere and while negative people are to be avoided is suggested its not posible in reality u have to deal with them.
The problem at least for me from your perspective is this ...if you deny the existence of negative and take all things as same as in your case positive then you stop feeling you start laughing and saying you are happy about everything this slowly makes you kind of inanimate in the sense that you lose feeling.
May be thats what all those great teachers preach the state of being unaffected by anything but personally i am not greatly in favor of that.Human beings are supposed to feel and yes if something goes to extremes one should handle it but taking all things as same as is preached in all our great stuff is not my cup of tea.
I dont find it great...this sense of unattachment of being unaffected...and your way of positivity is similar to that .Whatever happens you say may be something good is why it happened but all i ask is fine you are true but i think yeah but if it had happened as i had hoped it would have been very good.
My fault was by sulking too much on that “very good factor” i lose the “present good”.
The past few years surely changed that aspect.....i probably live more in the moment these days than for tomorrow...but somewhere i miss the hope for tommorow.
I never was negative dear...After all my favorite line was and is...
”Tomorrow is another day”.
P.S: All this is w.r.t me......you be happy truly as you are but never pretend to be happy.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Memories Shared??
Read this somewhere........."Einstein said when two people observe the same event, because they're two people, they see things differently, it's not the same experiment".
Well i am not going to describe any scientific analysis of this...I have a tendency to look at everything from an individual 's point of view..what i hear ...what i see.not me as an individual but any one person...i dont look at an incident and assume how it will affect a generation ...a society...I hate generalisations of all kinds.I always look at something and wonder how it will affect me or her or one kind of person.
So when i read the above quote it automatically brought up the very interesting question that we think and rethink philosophically ..... einstein simply put it scientifically....."Relativity".The same incident...the same object means different things to each person however much we try to beleive in human cloning.The fact is people are always different...they just tend to a similar behavior to conform to society.I mean i rarely get a chance to watch TV..thats my sisters domain...as the computer is mine.So today when i chanced upon the remote and sawIndia Inc...there was an interview by Anu Agha of Thermax.Good stuff...inspirational as are all succes stories.I'll not delve much into it.What i remember of that show...well she was telling my husband said .....".Read...do something more productive ...dont sew...keep cleaning......Dont do all stuff that others can do".Ah how many women can be that lucky....but then i guess most women dont want to be that lucky too.They are happy to clean ....sew...cook.I just remembered my friend in the neighboring office cubicle whose husband would say Read..do things others can't do AND also cook and sew.
Anyway i guess i better leave this topic and get into what i thought about my above thought. The thing is of the few people who might have watched that interview ... i doubt how many would have remembered that line.Same things ...Same words and we make different worlds ...out of it.
But the best thing on this i thought was how we remember things...the same incident..the same day...every onehas different memories.I really found this subject very interesting.
So when few years ago i chanced a book on a subject similar to my thoughts i liked it.Its called 'Ignorance' by Milan Kundera and while i would not say its very good or great as people may confuse those words for a thriller...its actually a very interestingly presented account about the way we remember and accept things.Its about a man and woman who return to their country 20 years after living in a foreign country.They had a chance meeting 20 years back and while one holds it as such a precious moment of her life...the guy simply has no vivid memory of it .The book potrays excellently how incidents in time may be shared.......but memories are very personal.The subject is infinitely interesting than the book....but its a good book for people who like to ponder.
Funnily i remember i even tried out a test then..... i asked a friend what he remembered about the day we joined office for the pre job training.Well he remembered the rain......well it was a prominent thing but somehow it never came to my mindonly when we spoke did i rememeber how much it rained then and how lovely it was.My memories were all of guardedness.....in unfamiliar territory and the tree i watched from the window .It had beautiful lavender flowers (its called nili gulmohur-- jacaranda tree...yes!!!!! i found out....how i loved to walk by it...never could walk on them.....all lavender petals strewn on the ground).Now of course i too remember the rain.
Id like to write more about it (and another eccentric book by the author)but i dont have the book and ...what i have is a memory......of having read it spending a whole day in a library alone...eating 5 star bars for lunch.
Ah now i remember more amusing things....as i say this.I was arguing with my mom "see you ever tell me why you always still eat chocolates so much ......then finally i told her ....you know i saw a guy yesterday seriously walking alone by our office munching a large Cadbury's.So whats wrong if we still love chocolates."
Times may not have changed factually on the social front for real time...but some things have.So you see Shahrukh for lux......Fairness cream for men...and men munching chocolates and fighting for chocolates.
Read this somewhere........."Einstein said when two people observe the same event, because they're two people, they see things differently, it's not the same experiment".
Well i am not going to describe any scientific analysis of this...I have a tendency to look at everything from an individual 's point of view..what i hear ...what i see.not me as an individual but any one person...i dont look at an incident and assume how it will affect a generation ...a society...I hate generalisations of all kinds.I always look at something and wonder how it will affect me or her or one kind of person.
So when i read the above quote it automatically brought up the very interesting question that we think and rethink philosophically ..... einstein simply put it scientifically....."Relativity".The same incident...the same object means different things to each person however much we try to beleive in human cloning.The fact is people are always different...they just tend to a similar behavior to conform to society.I mean i rarely get a chance to watch TV..thats my sisters domain...as the computer is mine.So today when i chanced upon the remote and sawIndia Inc...there was an interview by Anu Agha of Thermax.Good stuff...inspirational as are all succes stories.I'll not delve much into it.What i remember of that show...well she was telling my husband said .....".Read...do something more productive ...dont sew...keep cleaning......Dont do all stuff that others can do".Ah how many women can be that lucky....but then i guess most women dont want to be that lucky too.They are happy to clean ....sew...cook.I just remembered my friend in the neighboring office cubicle whose husband would say Read..do things others can't do AND also cook and sew.
Anyway i guess i better leave this topic and get into what i thought about my above thought. The thing is of the few people who might have watched that interview ... i doubt how many would have remembered that line.Same things ...Same words and we make different worlds ...out of it.
But the best thing on this i thought was how we remember things...the same incident..the same day...every onehas different memories.I really found this subject very interesting.
So when few years ago i chanced a book on a subject similar to my thoughts i liked it.Its called 'Ignorance' by Milan Kundera and while i would not say its very good or great as people may confuse those words for a thriller...its actually a very interestingly presented account about the way we remember and accept things.Its about a man and woman who return to their country 20 years after living in a foreign country.They had a chance meeting 20 years back and while one holds it as such a precious moment of her life...the guy simply has no vivid memory of it .The book potrays excellently how incidents in time may be shared.......but memories are very personal.The subject is infinitely interesting than the book....but its a good book for people who like to ponder.
Funnily i remember i even tried out a test then..... i asked a friend what he remembered about the day we joined office for the pre job training.Well he remembered the rain......well it was a prominent thing but somehow it never came to my mindonly when we spoke did i rememeber how much it rained then and how lovely it was.My memories were all of guardedness.....in unfamiliar territory and the tree i watched from the window .It had beautiful lavender flowers (its called nili gulmohur-- jacaranda tree...yes!!!!! i found out....how i loved to walk by it...never could walk on them.....all lavender petals strewn on the ground).Now of course i too remember the rain.
Id like to write more about it (and another eccentric book by the author)but i dont have the book and ...what i have is a memory......of having read it spending a whole day in a library alone...eating 5 star bars for lunch.
Ah now i remember more amusing things....as i say this.I was arguing with my mom "see you ever tell me why you always still eat chocolates so much ......then finally i told her ....you know i saw a guy yesterday seriously walking alone by our office munching a large Cadbury's.So whats wrong if we still love chocolates."
Times may not have changed factually on the social front for real time...but some things have.So you see Shahrukh for lux......Fairness cream for men...and men munching chocolates and fighting for chocolates.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Mindless Post
Mindless talk...
Utter Nonsense....
What am i doing here...
I am lost...
I have lost to myself...........
I even seem at a loss for words...
Its as though it does not matter ..
every day comes every day goes and so did a year.
Its amazing so much happened all over last month and yet i dont react...its as though i have lost it the ability to feel for myself.I who could cry so easily once dont react now to some greatest revelations i hear.
Yeah true whoever the person who said it
" any idiot can face a crisis .It is day to day life that wears you out".
This whole everyday home office merry go round that has restarted after a really whirlwind vacation makes me feel so utterly hopeless.Then again my life lives murphys laws at its extremes.Its not if anything can go wrong it will...in my case its "if anything can go wrong everything will".So here i am stuck at home with mom away and our maid resigningfrom her duties just a day before mom left leaving me high and dry and irritated.And then the gas stove has gone bad leaving us both sisters fighting over the one singleburner.Jeez this is sick writing i know...but it'll be funny hopefull when all this gets over as of now its sick.Then you reach office late to sarcastic good mornings and grumbling people about how some ppl come at 10 at leave at 6.huh "who asked you not to....who asked you to sacrifice your time for the greater common good and then looking at the peanuts handed over in your appraisal mutter at every other person." i think.anyway my policy at my office is strictly on one line"Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them"..so i go on laughing along......not that i am a way too wise by their stuff....like some who memorize all commands and some who spend hours working on data that in the end is always manipulated..and some really brilliant and admirable ....its just that i am wiser about people......about life...it never gets any better...just worse....well hope not.So thats it.... hope it is that'll carry you through anyday...“umeed par hi duniya kayam hai“...meri ummeed ..well thats the problem...i ve lost hope or dont beleive anything i hope for is gonna work out...what to hope also i forgot...what do i do to get rid of this hopeless feeling ...play mind quizzes on tickle....Ive lost it literally.Im in a bad no not bad actually listless mood .....very cynical .... yeah that sums up this most terrible post.I complain of having no time and write up such nonsense....Whats up with me...nothing ....New year .
Hope its happier for everyone else at least.
Mindless talk...
Utter Nonsense....
What am i doing here...
I am lost...
I have lost to myself...........
I even seem at a loss for words...
Its as though it does not matter ..
every day comes every day goes and so did a year.
Its amazing so much happened all over last month and yet i dont react...its as though i have lost it the ability to feel for myself.I who could cry so easily once dont react now to some greatest revelations i hear.
Yeah true whoever the person who said it
" any idiot can face a crisis .It is day to day life that wears you out".
This whole everyday home office merry go round that has restarted after a really whirlwind vacation makes me feel so utterly hopeless.Then again my life lives murphys laws at its extremes.Its not if anything can go wrong it will...in my case its "if anything can go wrong everything will".So here i am stuck at home with mom away and our maid resigningfrom her duties just a day before mom left leaving me high and dry and irritated.And then the gas stove has gone bad leaving us both sisters fighting over the one singleburner.Jeez this is sick writing i know...but it'll be funny hopefull when all this gets over as of now its sick.Then you reach office late to sarcastic good mornings and grumbling people about how some ppl come at 10 at leave at 6.huh "who asked you not to....who asked you to sacrifice your time for the greater common good and then looking at the peanuts handed over in your appraisal mutter at every other person." i think.anyway my policy at my office is strictly on one line"Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them"..so i go on laughing along......not that i am a way too wise by their stuff....like some who memorize all commands and some who spend hours working on data that in the end is always manipulated..and some really brilliant and admirable ....its just that i am wiser about people......about life...it never gets any better...just worse....well hope not.So thats it.... hope it is that'll carry you through anyday...“umeed par hi duniya kayam hai“...meri ummeed ..well thats the problem...i ve lost hope or dont beleive anything i hope for is gonna work out...what to hope also i forgot...what do i do to get rid of this hopeless feeling ...play mind quizzes on tickle....Ive lost it literally.Im in a bad no not bad actually listless mood .....very cynical .... yeah that sums up this most terrible post.I complain of having no time and write up such nonsense....Whats up with me...nothing ....New year .
Hope its happier for everyone else at least.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Time the moments that fly by..
Time the ultimate thief...what it steals it is powerless to give back.
Time none ever mastered it.
Time that brings in happiness beyond expectations.
Time that brings in grief unparalleledTime which flew by before we could live it all.
Time which came by with wonderous gifts just when you though all was lost.
Time which leaves cherished reflectionsTime which scars the best of people in some way.
Time the ocean whose waves brought inthis special treasured gem of friendship into the shores of life.
Here 's hoping it'll stand the test of Time.
Cheers always
P.S:The most difficult if not impossible thing for time to steal are memories.Say what:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know he does not check out this blog though he 's the only soul who knows about it(not that i mind ...most of what i write here i anyway talk or bore him with it all the time).
Wrote these lines for him with his gift .Just thought of keeping a copy of it on my blog.Hope you are always happy dear wherever you travel with time.No gift i could find can express my happpiness at having a friend like you.
This week i literally lived that quote"Parents give you life, but friends walk you through it".
They sure do .
Time the ultimate thief...what it steals it is powerless to give back.
Time none ever mastered it.
Time that brings in happiness beyond expectations.
Time that brings in grief unparalleledTime which flew by before we could live it all.
Time which came by with wonderous gifts just when you though all was lost.
Time which leaves cherished reflectionsTime which scars the best of people in some way.
Time the ocean whose waves brought inthis special treasured gem of friendship into the shores of life.
Here 's hoping it'll stand the test of Time.
Cheers always
P.S:The most difficult if not impossible thing for time to steal are memories.Say what:)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know he does not check out this blog though he 's the only soul who knows about it(not that i mind ...most of what i write here i anyway talk or bore him with it all the time).
Wrote these lines for him with his gift .Just thought of keeping a copy of it on my blog.Hope you are always happy dear wherever you travel with time.No gift i could find can express my happpiness at having a friend like you.
This week i literally lived that quote"Parents give you life, but friends walk you through it".
They sure do .
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Being just above average
I love quite many things in life but most of them i cannot cater to as much as i want.Books are the only passion i indulge in .It is kind of my habit to relate to books.Sometimes i read even with my eyes not up to it after the terrible kind of work i haveof staring at the computer screen for hours with lenses.But they are my only escape from this world where i somehow find myself a misfit.I am not brilliant ....but the problem is i am not a fool either.Its hard being neither here nor there.
The past week has been like a harrowing time.Now that you are acheiving senoirity at job by being nearly a year old you are dumped with hopeless useless responsibilities of historical data collection.Then there huge work assigned involving staring for hours at excel data comparisons ...i'm in a mess of a job and have no way out damn it.Ive seen others do it so i feel almost as though im no good but somehow i see no sense in slogging it that way.I appreciate them but man i'm just not upto it.So i feel like some hopeless fool at times in front of people who spend so much time and effort into becoming those brilliants..spending late nights and weekends at office and working out that stuff.
My amanger simply has one line you cant say i dont have time you have to make time.helllll i'm no good i dont want to.I always remember telling my sister long back if school and all was not so targeted at jobs and so id have loved to just study literature.
I wish i was a fool a real one life would have been easier ....why did i have to be above average but not brilliant.My eyes these days feel so tired .yet on a weekend i go ahead and read a book and finish it in one shot.Why simple i just want to take my mind off this depressing place ive got into and hard to get out.I and my friend recently were deleting our IM archives and could only laugh.everyday two times at least we message each other on resigning asap.This place is so depressing ...you just have no one you feel like looking at...looking forward to(i cant beleive people call up on leave days looking forward to client responses....god thats what im such a failure.I just cant get enthusisatic when someone feeds you that line ....... its our company.its our project and so so.I see through this crap too much for my own good).They say its like a family in our company.yeah thats why its so damn boring.
Anyway met a dear friend and borrowed 'Five point someone' and finished it.Good read.All i could think of is how much i hated my Engineering college as much.It was not great like IIT but neverthless it is quite something but i did not like it.We did not see through stuff then and exams semesters assignments and travel to the end of town and all took away the best years of life and gave back nothing.
On the contrary i remember my previous bpo job with a top org with so much affection.yeah it was not a great job.....(my manager was no manager forget being a bad manager ) some even sneer at such jobs but the time i had there, the friends i made there were the best times after school which was of course the best.
Some friends make up for so much of the deficiencies of this world really.
A hopeless winter with no flowers with memories of last years loveliest garden ,spare time and now all these deadlines schedules...workplace politics..assesing oneself its not some great time im having.
Books change my mood like nothing else and so i read them with fluttering eyes sometimes.As if all this is not crazy enough i message my friend the book has been read at night 1 am and post all this on my blog.I just might get a week off year end and thats the silver lining of this year end.
I love quite many things in life but most of them i cannot cater to as much as i want.Books are the only passion i indulge in .It is kind of my habit to relate to books.Sometimes i read even with my eyes not up to it after the terrible kind of work i haveof staring at the computer screen for hours with lenses.But they are my only escape from this world where i somehow find myself a misfit.I am not brilliant ....but the problem is i am not a fool either.Its hard being neither here nor there.
The past week has been like a harrowing time.Now that you are acheiving senoirity at job by being nearly a year old you are dumped with hopeless useless responsibilities of historical data collection.Then there huge work assigned involving staring for hours at excel data comparisons ...i'm in a mess of a job and have no way out damn it.Ive seen others do it so i feel almost as though im no good but somehow i see no sense in slogging it that way.I appreciate them but man i'm just not upto it.So i feel like some hopeless fool at times in front of people who spend so much time and effort into becoming those brilliants..spending late nights and weekends at office and working out that stuff.
My amanger simply has one line you cant say i dont have time you have to make time.helllll i'm no good i dont want to.I always remember telling my sister long back if school and all was not so targeted at jobs and so id have loved to just study literature.
I wish i was a fool a real one life would have been easier ....why did i have to be above average but not brilliant.My eyes these days feel so tired .yet on a weekend i go ahead and read a book and finish it in one shot.Why simple i just want to take my mind off this depressing place ive got into and hard to get out.I and my friend recently were deleting our IM archives and could only laugh.everyday two times at least we message each other on resigning asap.This place is so depressing ...you just have no one you feel like looking at...looking forward to(i cant beleive people call up on leave days looking forward to client responses....god thats what im such a failure.I just cant get enthusisatic when someone feeds you that line ....... its our company.its our project and so so.I see through this crap too much for my own good).They say its like a family in our company.yeah thats why its so damn boring.
Anyway met a dear friend and borrowed 'Five point someone' and finished it.Good read.All i could think of is how much i hated my Engineering college as much.It was not great like IIT but neverthless it is quite something but i did not like it.We did not see through stuff then and exams semesters assignments and travel to the end of town and all took away the best years of life and gave back nothing.
On the contrary i remember my previous bpo job with a top org with so much affection.yeah it was not a great job.....(my manager was no manager forget being a bad manager ) some even sneer at such jobs but the time i had there, the friends i made there were the best times after school which was of course the best.
Some friends make up for so much of the deficiencies of this world really.
A hopeless winter with no flowers with memories of last years loveliest garden ,spare time and now all these deadlines schedules...workplace politics..assesing oneself its not some great time im having.
Books change my mood like nothing else and so i read them with fluttering eyes sometimes.As if all this is not crazy enough i message my friend the book has been read at night 1 am and post all this on my blog.I just might get a week off year end and thats the silver lining of this year end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)