Caesarean Conspiracies

Ah conspiracies amazing they are.....they simply show you how varied people are really.Why did i get into this...hmmm i ve always been fascinated by themwhy because i grew up on a famous conspiracy.Being a ICSE Student(now anyone from others like CBSE/STATE Syllabus must forgive me coz im i feel its the curriculum thats pretty varied....cbse is quite balanced i guess but well forget it..the state syllabus in southis a preparation for future engineers with their advanced rigor in mathematics.ICSE in fact had one book of lovely poetry ,one play Julius caesar , one novel which is a sweet one village by the sea by anita desai and one book of short stories called the' treasury of short stories' which is a real treasure i still treasure.No wonder ive turned out a literary engineer.the geography we had was so vast i knew australian cities as well as indian also helped by the fact that there was a world cup there then.)
when in school we had Julius Ceaser which we studied for 2 yrs so i remember it (esp antony's speech)still though i do not instantly remember my office phone no or my last completed work at office.What is more memorable is the way we were encouraged to criticize and view it from different angles the whole of the play.the words that i love or think today are a byproduct of those days.the variety of people ...Cynical cinna...anthony the master orator.....cassius the lean mean hungry look guysoothsayers.oh i guess i was lucky we happened to have such a complex play instead of some frivolous comedies which though enjoyable would not have lent much to classroom analysis.One of first ways to recognize hypocrisy was shown by my english teacher when he pointed outwhile brutus the honorable fellow would not take money like bribes he asks money from cassius who surely gets them by bribes.Flattery and flatterers i discovered it there.you can see the power of oratory skill how a mob who has no identity they are swayed from extreme support of brutus to antony(reminds you of the importance of oratory skill so precious for politicians to sway the fools who form masses and mobs with no individual thoughts.)it seems so funny when u remember the way the guys reacted to the only line in the whole playthey could giggle at ..."Portia is brutus' wife not his harlot".there is so much drama and mental conflict in the whole play its lovely.the first of a whole collection of quotes from the play so fond that for all my dear friends autograph books i signed the same
"Forever, and forever, farewell,
If we do meet again, why, we will smile;
If not, it's true that this parting was well made."

but why i got into this.on a sunday evening when u are fed up and tired to even browse and TV is troubling you and suddenly you get on discovery and watch the last 20 mins of 'who killed julius ceaser'.It brings out a fascinating discovery to a conspiracy that we wringed out in class for two years.Could caesar have engineeredhis assasination to make himself immortal and establish the Roman empire.quite enjoyed it and relived an era of life in a few hours.

Roots and Shadows... a few thoughts

Family how rooted it is especially in the Indian context and yet there are so many wheels within wheels as they say.This is about 'Roots and Shadows' another of those excellent books by Shashi deshpande.The novel starts off with Indu coming back to her ancestral home and family after years and suddenly realising that she by a cunning stroke has been holding the strings to the future of all the entities in the family.The novel really exploits the view of all people within the so called family having deviant interests each may be valid from within their view.It shows the cunningness of the weak, how money is such a bonding factor.
It also brings out how women whatever they acheive but within the familial set up are cut out.

'you are too clever for me' the final rejoinder.It had always been thrown at me like accusation.'for a woman intelligence is always a burden Indu.We like our women not to think.''its always going to happen to you Indu.People are resentful of brains.Take it in your stride...pity them'.

One scene that really is so true to life may be because its the background story of every familyno wonder ekta kapoor exploits it so much was this when Indu the modern girl who does not wear much jewelry goes to open the ancestral safe to which she has the keys now.

" Mini sitting next to me....look Indu arent these pearls lovely!lets see how they look on you.You never wear anything'and she clasped them as i sat still letting her do it.'
Yes Indu never wears anything' Sunanda atya said with a smile for me.As if we were allies' what does she need such things for? her education is her real jewelry.Its only poor fools like us who need all that'.'
Fools!' Kaki's voice was loaded with sarcasm.
Icould no longer be silent.'I never had any jewelry May be thats why i never wore it.Now that i have such a lot of it ,perhaps i'll start wearing it'
There was shocked silence.In the dim light it was difficult to make out the faces but the air in the room was charged with consternation.Was i serious?Does she mean it? then what about my Mini, my Lata, my Geeta, my Shobha.Its not fair.Its not fair.

The book also goes into such diverse topics all from the same story that its amazing.

The whole world is made of interdependent parts so why not you?

Meera ...if there had been pschoanalysis then, wouldn't they have pschoanalysed her, cut out her obsession, rooted it out of her ?

Detachment...it was for the dead not the living.

Its amazing that a writer who writes with so much understanding and pathos about the general India, not the very poor or the filthy rich is not as well known but others who spin magical talesare much well known in indian writing in english.Its unfair ..... but whats great is she been at it for more than 2 decades.I do have to read her newer books these are actually her older books ive read and written in my previous posts.

Innocent fun still exists

In this varied world of people esp in this country with its wide range you surely see all kinds of people but still when you see some one who lives it real time in a different world it kind of gets funny.
Well as is the fashion or in reality a client necessity lot of our brilliant s/w engineers need language and etiquette and other soft skills training.The usefulness of such trainings is very debatable.Personally i found them useless when they tried such stuff on me but then i am a strange conoction by god and a english medium average techie.It does work out good for quite some of our non english brilliant people...may be .lets leave it and get to the joke.
this is a second hand account as i refuse to be present first hand to receive such enlightening on attitude.but i just imagine it when a friend told me and laughed and laughed.well the lady who handles this section is the same youll see in any organizationbrilliantly turned out and with a voice stressing just the right syllables and attitude.so this was the question put
tell me one thing about yourself which you are proud of?

some people made the right noises.one spoke about being proud that he was an indian and he got lectured about how politics must not be associated with self.but the answer which made me laugh laugh and laugh was this.

"but mam one must not be proud of oneself " is what was answered in such an innocent tone.poor lady all her preparation of the speech would have gone waste.

i really could not beleive such people still exist.the guy is one of those people from the far east actually and is always concerned about how much money we here in city waste which can take care of one family he says.i am not really very much into charity my views on that later some time but this line i was simply sitting in a boring meeting and amusing myself that still someone beleives that in a world where blowing ur drum is the norm and some self help books i browsed and found hopeless occasionally talked how if u dont blow ur horn others will use it as spitoon and what not.. and some more nonsense.but as much as i found it funny it felt nice people still retain such innocence.

Just about a book

I bought the book "THE COLLECTED POEMS" about five years back when i was actually broke i mean almost three years of no employment and depression and how do you spend the five hundred bucks you are given on your birthday by Dad .... walk into a book store and you spot the lovely covered book by one of your fav author hold it and then
It was almost as though the book wanted to be taken and it seemed in my upset mood nothing would cure me.(I take that quote pretty seriously at heart it'd seem "If thou has a loaf of bread, sell half and buy a hyacinth to feed thy soul") well i took it and the most agonising part is i have no decent book shelf so i cover it neatly which i hate because it hides the cover i like but to take care of it i need to cover it.ah ....what complexities life has.

To think if my mom knew i spent that much on a book esp in those days she'd have finished me by now by giving the foremost reasons for my messed up life as ever i.e. stubborness, love of books,cricket and lazy long hours of sleep.
Neverthless i love them all and i love my books .About the author I enjoy his novels they are good..will write about them when i have more timebut its not his stories its the feel which he puts into words almost poetic and musical.For example his novel THE EQUAL MUSIC is so depressing in a way and you dont even like the characters sometimes but you love the book there's a lyrical feel woven into it.Thats why i love his poetry more esp the ones in "ALL YOU WHO SLEEP TONIGHT". Today was browsing through it again and thought of posting this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIT

Sit, drink your coffee here;
your work can wait awhile.
You're twenty-six, and still have some life ahead.
No need for wit; just talk vacuities, and I'll
Reciprocate in kind, or laugh at you instead.

The world is too opaque, distressing and profound.
This twenty minutes' rendezvous will make my day:
To sit here in the sun, with grackles all around,
Staring with beady eyes, and you two feet away.

by Vikram Seth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subtlety and some memories

Last weekend i was bored of browsing esp had a gnawing feeling that i'll be the victim of a carpal tunnel.So i flipped through channels and all i foundinteresting was was the ashes final test.I was watching it alone at home and it brought back memories when watching cricket had rated very up there in life.Books , Music ,Flowers ,Cricket that was what life was about.I am not very very comfortable being known as an avid cricket watcher in my current circle unlike then simply because everyone acts one esp its become to be thought of as a fad as if women have started watching cricket only after Mandira discovered it.
I loved to watch it with my Dad since i was a kid and was crazy about it though never played itmuch being an indoor kid.even now when he calls if there is a match on and he's travelling he always calls me to come to the phone to get the score.I very much enjoyed it and was fortunate enough to have a friendwho played at the state level.She kinda ensured that i knew what was inswing , outswing , flipper etc were.What fun we had during the 1996 world cup...some of the best times of my life.
Those days news always was to be read from the last page...it still is if i have time to go through the newspaper.In those days we had that enjoyable Indian express or Statesman and enjoyed Pradeep Magazine and others columns.
Now to discuss cricket is like a show off and so i try to keep off it.Why even my mom hated it.She drove me many a time to tears by her obsessive hatred of what she thought was a terrible game enjoyed too much by people who wanted to do nothing .i.e my dad n me.Now my mom is cool about it as its socially trendy ....now when i dont have the time to stay home and watch it.It feels cruel.
Well thats all past ...what got me into this flashback mode was this Ashes broadcast was it was on ESPN ..the commentators were simply talking about the game...none of the flashy nonsense you have to put up with(God i have to mute the TV while watching India playand to think there was a time i used to say quiet please let me enjoy the commentary too.)

Gilchrist was out just before lunch and so decently the relay ended saying " see you in 35 minutes after lunch" and that triggered off all my memories of how it used to be before Sidhu and co ganged up and we have beauties , contests and what not.In a way i guess it may be the way we indians are..our love for drama, melas and over the board gaiety.

We indians sure know how to make the world rock our way.Its like we tell the world sell what you want to us but package it the way we want.

MTV is now worse than Indian music channels in airing only hindi flopmovie full songs and trailers of hindi movies.In our college days you'd be lucky to catch a hindi song on it.Pizzas we made them stoop and bring variety to their bland fare.....forced them to invent tandoori/tikka and what not flavor.
There are numerous examples of organizations being forced to change their strategyto cater to us the land of maharajahs and what not where you have to go overboard for everything ...humor or sentiment.You just have to watch our advertising to know this best.

Subtle is not a word Indians like i guess sadly.

Embers – as i read it

I know nothing about the author Sandor Marai -- this book is translated from german version which was translated from hungarian ....just a random pick which i keep doing . its actually a kind of monologue which occasionally is too much too long though it has other characters around they talk rarely and that too in oneliners.

Its a philosophical book in a way that the main speaker Henrik makes his final observations on life ,friendship and all the passions that govern it.The setting is the pre-world war era and the characters are 75 yr old and the last time they met was 41 yrs ago in presence of a woman who has since died. There is an air of emotional suspense running in the book but the end is may be abrupt...at the end may be you feel cheated if you like open and close stories.

But its the observations the book makes that make one feel being sympathized or understood. Some which all who observe and think of life at some point note and some which we never experience but wonder.
Some extracts which i found such, some echoing my thoughts and some making me ponder..............

" For this they had no need of a pact...the sort of portentous intensity invoke by people when for the first time they experience an unconscious need to remove another human being from the world body and soul and make him uniquely theirs. For that is the hidden force within both friendship and love .Their friendship was deep and wordless , as are all emotions that will last a lifetime and like all great emotions this one contained within itself ...a sense of guilt ,for no one may isolate one of his fellows from the rest of humanity with impunity"

"Nothing is so rare in the young as a disinterested bond that demands neither aid nor sacrifice................Everything life has to offer later, sentimental yearnings or raw desire, intense feelings and eventually the bonds of passion, will all be coarser, more barbaric."

"Memory has a wonderful way of separating the wheat from the chaff. There can be some great event and ten twenty years laters one realizes it had no affect whatsoever. And then one day ,one remembers a hunt or a passage in book" "Sometimes it seems to me that words that we utter, or stifle, or write that are the issue, if not the only issue."

"One rarely knows when an act or a word will trigger some final irreversible alteration in any relationship" "I am thinking that people find truth and collect experiences in vain, for they cannot change their fundamental nature.........the only thing...one can do is to take the given's of one's fundamental nature and tailor them to reality as cleverly and carefully as one can."

"The greatest secret and the greatest gift any of us can be offered is the chance for two similar people to meet. It happens so rarely--it must be because nature use all its force and cunning to prevent such harmony ,perhaps.....the renewal of life need the tension between two people of opposite temperaments who seek each other out...like an alternating current....between positive and negative poles, think of all the despair and the blind hope that lie behind this duality."

"One can achieve everything in life, wrestle .....seize all for oneself, but one cannot change another’s tastes or inclinations...that essential otherness no matter how close or important the bond"

The greatest disappointment in the book was it has only one persons view-- The woman’s view of course is not even expected to be presented from the beginning but you expect the answers or the view of the man being questioned but it is here you are disheartened.Despite its long lines which sometimes get frustrating the observations are pretty haunting with respect to the situation. But then books and stories and words , they keep safe my heart and soul from this world. Just googled it up seems they are makin a movie on it with Wionna Ryder.hmmm

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P.S: had published this earlier on Fragrantechoes my other blog but preferred it here
so moved it.

A week of some nevers

Went househunting the weekend.tried to compromise by hopefully getting an apartment( though i Never am happy about apartments) but its not to be it seems.liked one a bit too much dont know why..rare for me to like one as much and convinced mum and all that this one'd be great.yeah id hoped id get my own room finally but it seems it was not to be.i was pretty upset .

Pr was very upset kind the whole week in fact our whole gang of 3 n me was kinda fed up.those 3 are like sick and tired of the job and wondering what next in life.they have a great future the kids really.....its just thebegining ...mine s a different story.then there was this whole appraisal business.the secrecy in which its done...did u get it no ....umm yeah ....in process...suddenly people who never bother to speak trying to extract info.its kind of hard to hide it with friends.no one is happy abt kc i guess but the fact is the work sucks firstly and if only that habit of getting too personal is decreased its kind of good for everyone in the team but yeah all have their demons to fight and their ways.i write so much against kc's ways but i guess the fact is a guide is needed for kc to be better.. ...which is lacking and of course authority but the fact is my managers manager is a damned terrible complex story.
there is so much unease all around....people feeling the stuck up kind.new people already bored.Finally had my appr discussion at end and ..... all said and done i realised again where i lackonly one place .... confidence .Self confidence ive but the confidence of taking iniative is lacking and yeah the manager did make that clear but point given ...it was fair i felt in a way....it was made clear ... ur skills in process and mangement are highly appreciated so better build on that as you work.dont bother too much about technical(there are way too many for that) just get the basics fine.and some more discussions.it was already late so cut short.

When i thought about it all i wondered
who was true in there...me hmm yeah 75% but does kc think well really of me,or we are both trying to outdo diplomacy levels.I know i dislike things about kc and very vocal about them bet friends and the blog but what i like is one thing the ability to learn and listen ...only no good people to listen to are there.

aru was telling me she envies kc. i was ummmmmwhat is there to envy yeah a Sr manager at a young age than aru and me but look at life... no good.i probably dont dislike some people personally...just that in the work arena they simply are not fine.i was simply wondering .... me of all the work getting into marketing....not exactly but thats what im getting into indirectly.
Life always teaches me the same lesson.
Never say never...

I n my Messed up perspective

Today was another of those all depressing days. Not that something terrible happened but just that that whatever happened normally made me put things in perspective and that is not very good for me at a point in life where nothings quite right.
In fact the whole thing was going on since the last month but it kind of culminated in my mind today.
Yeah its again my work..frankly what else does one have time for.I realised how ive harmed myself once again by being non competetive, unaggressive and for all i care attitude.Its the circumstances i can say but then why bother to make it seem like an excuse.I find it easy to put it onto myself sometimes.I am lazy ,i am not brave enough.Its like so much easy that way for me.
My manager and my relations seemed to have hit rock bottom before we reconciled ourselves to circumstances for the moment. But we have a review meeting today with the senior management and that kinda made me feel bad for almost everyone ,my manager ,i me myself them.its like such a mess .
Then i asked myself why just think do something and then i came back to the same old conclusion.
People who can do dont have the skills or the courage or the hard hearted focus needed to do it.People who have the skills or courage dont have the authority or the chance to do it.

My manager is a ambitious person who has good technical experience but no people understanding skills (all those self help books will not help if you do not get it that every person is different) ,had the good fortune of being at the right place at the right time and so is at a much elevated position than peers.Quite some people in our team including me are older because we did not make it in the days of the great s/w depression and also because we r weird n stupid somewhere i guess ...whatever.
The team goes on because of the sheer persistence of my manager but there is a severe lack of authority ,(which i believe is a must in a manager) and understanding that 20 people might be in a team but they are all amorphous entities and need to be handled differently.
But the tragedy is there’s no one to tell or help that person improve because the immediate sr manager is one hell of a sick person seriously demented in some way. I mean which PL will call their TL you stupid, idiot in front of a team. No wonder the TL never improves.
But where am i in all this to get upset.yeah i am .After the meeting i was somehow chatting up the TL ...and this is what it was..

Me: The stats are justified how can we expect the freshers to deliver for the client from day1.So obviously there will be some variance in effort calculations. After all they gave us the candidates just 4 days before the clients expected work start date. he asked to train them since a month.
TL: yeah but how to explain it to the senior management. this is the problem with managers.
the people below will not listen(may b me included), the people above will not listen.
I can’t run a military rule.

my_thoughts: well then what are managers....isnt it to act as an intermediatary between people up and people below.i know u cant run a military because authority is not ur cup of whatever ..it is frowning and fretting which is ur strategy.

TL: see people want to leave because they have work, they want leaves, and then tell me after saying so many times how many come on time (a direct accusation to me who is almost a bit late always)
Me:i got the barb instantly .smiled and said yeah but then you see those who come on time don’t anyway get to leave on time and neither is their extra time appreciated in anyway except may be a thank you so they are not very encouraged.
my_thoughts: well you had it coming....but i felt bad the way this person was treated in there ... i mean why are people measured by statistics which everyone who ever made a presentation or report knows are manipulated and i who made it this time did not manipulate them well enough to present the rosy pic they like. I mean they want issues presented but nothing uncomfortable ...hmm then why ask for what you cant handle.

its good for them that i am not in a good enough position to question them coz for me its a change of field and i being quite a novice here cannot challenge them.
majboori hoti hai ...at least i am ..coz im not at a point where i can take job risk.
my last rebellious experience at a previous job did bear fruit but it was too late and i gained nothing by it.
I myself am responsible for so much of this mess.Cant help it if i love to have a world beyond that job.
I mean after 10 hrs on job(11 is the max i stayed back any day...the thing is if there is equality and no team dependency i manage to do it much faster) and 3 hrs travel to and forth if i love to read , browse, listen to music and nap and of course blogs and not worry about the job ,the emails and the code and active participation to get noticed for promotion its all my fault.
Its a mess and then you come back home and find more of the personal mess. I think i am only at peace when im travelling to and forth between these messes i know the destination ,i can sit n wonder .
I read this as i post it its pathetic(i know a fornight from now i will find this post hilarious)...there was more nonsense but i m fed up so i guess but thats ok ...i m off to sleep.
There is nothing sleep does not cure me of at least partially.

Cribbing about all upsetting nonsense

It has been a very tiring week emotionally and physically what with so much work and weekend work.

Strange questions...strange doubts ...doubts about ur own usefulness all kind of thoughts arose in the mind.What if you are not ambitious, are you useless then.

this post might seem a bit disjointed but thats how things have been.

lets see this situation

u r pretty friendly with v.v is someone whos a rookie but a brilliant one and has good knowledge of the work we all are going to be doing.( two reasons she can afford to learn this are she stays at a hostel which is closer and also ppl living in hostel have no hurry to go home mostly unlike us who have to suffer long tiring travel.)

now since the area of work is not ur area of expertise we r very dependent on v but this does not mean the work alloted to v is decreased .so v has to handle her work plus help some of us.now late into the end of day u are getting late and uve explained the issue and the rest can be taken care of in your absence so u think n wanna leave.this leaves v hurt and angry bcoz she has still so much work left while we r leaving .

now i can hate her for being so cranky and angry --- after all what do i acheive by being there though she s been helpful but i do not because i know how harrowing the days been for her.

but i at the end of this feel upset why i have to suffer such cranky stuff, im no good...... ......yeah if i d stayed late really late coz thats the only way and learned all id ve been spared a bit if not completely (bcoz in the end its all a process followed thats needed not some knowledge) .

I could not think ill of her coz she’s a gud helping friend ,if not close or dear one but i could not just take it any more.

Hugely upset by all this and then there was more.

few new ppl in the team and one’s been put beside me to be guided...now guys dont like to be guided much by women esp peers, do it this way or use this report or follow this step, they sure do not like it.

I myself am not the most fun person and i hate a lot of the work that we do.

its damn routine in fact so horribly repetitive at some point that u need the day off to get sanity.In such a situation in comes this new guy who is just a week old has not done much here and cribs on and on about --- this is too much nonsense--- what kinda work is this--(i really wanna scream at him 2 weeks u r this then what r we to do since 6 months....its ur fault if u had rose colored glasses on--- not mine but this is it and with time its only gonna get worse) but i try to be polite but i suspect with my transparent tone it sure shows how irritated i was.

my manager sure knows how to put it onto others damn.

but neverthless so its rumors flying i think that i am not being very helpful whatever i do.................yeah for all i know he’s being a bad influence for me.

ive been lucky in quite some ways that though i myself crib complain ive had some very enthusiastic,funloving and willing to do kinda colleagues in my past job who really tended to make me feel so better.i still pester some of em by calling em up n cribbing and they still suffer me.

this job too some of us hate the stuff we do but its a job and we do it trying to be positive but when some one adds to your frustration and esp as if he’s doing us a favor its like there is a chain reaction of negativity which does no one any good.

i sensed there was a lot of background story too on this coz they changed the guys place ..............but damn them im still responsible for this person who probably hoped working for this known company meant happily coming in signing and listening to music ,chatting,using some great s/w tools and a happy balance in the bank.

poor thing he doesnt know what he’s into any way.

there was so much other nonsense but fed up of typing i’m .

whole week was like an automated story.

get up-> go to office -.come sleep->get up->office..........

after 4 days of being this upset .......today got some good sleep a bit relaxed spoke to friend and cribbed(and now here doing the same on this blog) and cribbed...poor fella he’s patient enough and then when i’m given a solution that speak to ur manager and communicate i argued no u do not understand .... no ..no no...this that.

finally at the weekend i feel so better n thats me.

me and v just got along having fun waiting till the next task doth set us apart.

it rained superb ...... spoiling my plan to shop but neverthless liked it.

SOUL

Across the spiked wall lay the world of wild freedom,
but beyond my reach was this heavenly garden
amidst the fragrant blossoms i wished a solitary abode
but brazen was i to beleive such life was to be mine
among the shattered reflections of broken glass
i discovered the need to be sublime
but brittle was my will
against life's daily mill
above the starlit sky i hoped to find the light
but below the dark earth claimed me with its might
across the horizons of despair i tread
beleiving i'll find hope but
beneath the gritty flesh
lies a soul weathered by life .
----------------------------------------
As i looked through my old stuff this weekend found
this poem i wrote sometime back and
i still could say the same.
Life goes on by sheer grit but its the
soul that suffers the grinding mill of life.

Teamwork-the Necesssary evil
I don't read non fiction esp the self help and motivational books at least do not go specifically looking for it because i have a tendency ,a really bad and negative one some would say-- to argue it out in the mind with the author and trash all the perfect solutionsdescribed.
yeah im a cynic to the core and so i tend to argue it out and as is quoted
"It's hard to argue against cynics - they always sound smarter than optimists because they have so much evidence on their side"
but i always feel but im not a pessimist really(not at heart may be my mind has leaning towards pessimism) but as another quote says
"cynics are well informed optimists".
It is hard for me to just get inspired by all the stuff in those self help books but i dont think bad of themnot these days at least because i have seen at first hand people being affected for the good by some of them.They simply dont suit me because i see things as they are ....sadly the darker side.

I did read a few(i can count them on one hand) and my reactions to them i'll post later .let me first start off with the inspiration for this post.this relates to my first post on my blogit was something against the buzzword called team work (it can be read HERE ).So today trying to get my latest dose of fiction as i scanned through the library i found something echoing my thought a book titled Why Teams Don't Work by Harvey Robbins and Michael Finley.
i was touched ...oh a few more in that rare list who understand my strange viewso i picked it up but i could only take one book and was not willing to take the book home instead of my novel for a fortnight(non fiction is risk and titles may betray).
so i sat down happily and in 30 mins flat browsed the book over and felt very happy that someone sees through this muck and im not that weird.but whats the best part is and i agree here is that its become a necessary evil in todays worldand they do speak some stark truths.they identify the problems correctly the solutions though as ever are arguable.
They begin it wonderfully saying teamwork as in sports given as example in most inspiring booksis useless in realtime corporate world.the part where as caufield(narrator in the book catcher in the rye) wud say it killed me was this----They tell you how useless Trust falls(To fall backwards from an elevated location blindfolded, and be caught by your team) are in building a team in real time work scenarios.
It is another of those antics used by those great inspirational thinkers---- and i went flashback immediatelyto when i joined this job --- firstly we at india implement such stuff without thinking about cultural and social differences.

It so happened that our new joinees were asked to participate in this.Most girls refused to it and the hep manager(actually he was one of the few good and sensible one in the org but i guess he was as good as the management principles and insensitive to the social perspective) said come on the last time we did it all girls too did it.still many just were mum but one girl sportingly went forward and yeah the game was over in a minute.god knows what changed in making her more trusting in a team but what we all could see and hear was this.quite some team guys who were there were joking on the lines of ---- yes we sure know your weight and....and so on.this is why i hate such gimmicks.

The other thing said was about the bane of this inter and intra team competitions.I remember since the time of my previous job i hated the concept and argued at lengths with my friendabout how useless and terrible this was.with their examples i simply felt vindicated.this is what is said in the book."there is no such thing as friendly competition.especially on teams.They are fantastic for personal breakthroughs with ones own demons and attitude improvement but not for team work".i mean my previous manager ( as i said earlier in a post he deserves a blog for his atrocious stupidity) used to say come on compete against each other to do more.it was sickening to hear the way he said it and the he called us to be a great team.
The raw truths explained are
"the truth is teams are inherently inferior to individuals in terms of efficiency esp if a single person has sufficient info for that task".
"teams are trouble because there are more people and people are trouble".

There was some more good identification of problems (already this post is long )All in all being a team member whos on the suffering end of all team...our team propaganda(damn i cant even gift my manager this book...it 'll be a straight proof of my being not a cooperative team member.) id say it will help anyone (most managers put so much effort to understand technical and thoeretical nonsense but never try to understand people) who firstly accepts that team work is evil but necessary rather than say
Team work is great and blah blah blah .

Blinding light maimimg the night

The darkness of the night always holds a charm somewhat a lil more appealing
than may be day for me Ive always liked the calm of the night a bit more.

thats why i guess i love that song raat hamari to....from parineeta
but i wrote this poem sometime back getting irritated by light and today i
remembered it again due to the same reason so i thought of posting it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blinding light- Blinking and blazing

that could only be a madman's delight.
but are we short of such lunatics
in a world deprived of their heart's sight
where the lovely dark night is maimed at heart and soul
by a day that never ends.
razed of its beauty by every bright light
she cries out only to be sounded out
by the ones causing this plight
its scarier than any darkness
this light still we take it in our stride
lest we remember that there used to be
soulfilling moonlight in the arms of what
used to be the dark beautiful night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

weve got these airconditioned offices and are working
under the lights day or night
and i get irritated by them and its frustrating being unable to switch them off.
but even in general its so hard to see darkness
(forget the unsafe dark areas created by our city and town corporations).
if you are lucky enough to have a terrace which i had till few months ago
then also you will have the street lights blinding you.
(cant help it....they r absent where needed)
there is so much artificial lighting that its frustrating.
you just cant enjoy the soft dark night.

Music in life - memories and musings

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life"
said a someone.
that i think is certain but i always wonder about the kind of music
preferences we have and the way we listen to it and react to it.

I have no knowledge of classical music and am mostly into ghazals ,hindi film music of all times
(where im a real Connoisseur) and the general english pop(where im not really very well versed).

Since in school i loved old hindi songs and hummed them and the first memory i have is that when my dad caught me
in fifth class humming "babuji dheere chalna....." and i was so glum.
Chitahaar was the regular discussed topic in school bus and really when the power was gone for chitrahaar it was upsetting enough to cry but those were days before cable television.now we laugh real time about it.
ive always loved radio and vividh bharathi esp simply because it gives you range of music across time unlike the repeat broadcast on other places.

Then there was mtv and it was good to listen to english songs too ......funny what mtv india has become now
we indians sure know how to indianise if we want to.
MTV 5 yrs ago played english songs with a smattering of hindi
now we have the same hindi trailers going on and on with cyrus the only respite.

but now with time constraints and a busy life the way we listen to music has changed its always in the background .
people listen while working ,driving ,cooking etc but
does some one with a normal job still get the time to sit and play some music and absorb it ,feel it i wonder.
The other thing i always feel is when im emotional i prefer the hindi music....
the english songs however good seem a bit detached.......so when im out anywhere or at office i prefer the english music
but at home i always love lata rafi kishore and jagjit singh voice is a great stress releiver since
college days(i had to buy a second piece of my arth/saath saath cassette i listened to it so much those days ).
one point i notice is generally music in our own language be it hindi or our mother tongue(if your are comfortable in it which unfortunately is not true for many people today) is more touching.
May its got to do with the lyrical melody.i always feel i have a penchant for that---- lyrics woven in melodyrather than just the beat and rhythm.

the most strange thing for me is classical music is said to be relaxing but whenever i listen to any instrumental i feel restless its kind of an unexplainable feeling for me------ as though i want to weave words into it.
it does not suit me but you give a song based on classical raag and i adore it.

its not as if i do not like loud songs in fact to my own surprise i do(the worst part used to be that
govinda's songs i hate are way too catchy) --- but its always in crowds,or when i do not like to think ,
or im too happy or want to block out things from mind - i play all those loud songs with beats ,rhythm and what not.
but what about those who listen to them always....like my sis has a commom refrain whenever
i play music ...is there not enough tragedy in life why play those sad songs and so she wants the
remixes, pop and fast tracks.

The other thing is there are some people who like listening to music on headphones and there
are some who like it playing around them not on a headphone.we sisters loved it when they played it nonstop
at the puja pandals where we stayed during our childhood.we still like it when some lovely melody drifts
from the window suiting our mood rather than specifically we searching and playing that song.
I do hate the stupid songs that keep barging from the neighbours house as much.
its so much nice when you are thinking of something or walking along and ur fav number is heard
and u feel something like a good omen and days when you wake up with a certain song on your lips and thewhole day you never quite get rid of it.then somehow i have my moments when i like silence not even music but quite some people like it nonstop.

but all said and done music never ceases to amaze me. suddenly i listen to a song and
the whole mood changes(the only instantaneous solution found
coz to read my other antidote takes time and effort)
when i am worried worried and feel crazy and suddenly i listen to
"rahi manwa dukh ki chinta kyun satati hai
dukh to apna saathi hai
sukh hai ek saheli jo aati hai jaati hai " its like im releived.

I really feel bad about people who do not care for
music of any kind ---- i mean any kind pop rap classical(its true i know some)
and i feel pity that they have been denied by heaven such a sublime gift.

with potter still in my mind i quote
Ah, music. A magic beyond all we do here!

For friends who matter any day

I am not much into all these days that are marketed these days but then
I am not against them also because well its nice once in a while to
indulge ourselves and others whom we are fond of
by a special line mailed/emailed ,or a gift sent or just a wish.
We may love them always but its nice to take time on a day just to
let them know how special they are.
I myself have few people i can call good friends and fewer are ones i call close friends.


"Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances
will know you in a thousand years." -----Richard Bach

and there are times when you take time out to call them or mail them
but life is so boring i just wonder why am i bothering them.
So on a day like this its just an excuse
to wish happiness , remember good times
thats why i do not mind
frienship day or for that matter any other day.


"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave
footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."


Happy Friendship Day

Snaped by rowling

yeah finished off sixth book- harry potter and the half blood prince as usual in one go. i resisted it way too much till this week but the moment i knew i had time to read it through at a time i did it. and it truly was good as expected ....best after azkaban.I will not review it ...there's too much all over the net about it. but honestly its the charm of the way the book is written..........els whatever marketing you do u wud not find discussion board's and forums discussing the book.i really am wondering wondering....agitated ...damn it how long ...and one of my fav character killed....i expected it but still it was tragic u have to wait for the next book ...... its too much(i could not wait to finish my nancy drew since it was issued in the school library --- had to finish it in less than 5 hrs-----i hate waiting but i most of the time i wait for buses...for jobs...for people) but now my mind is filled with all kinda wizardology and whos the culprit thoughts Snape really is he truly the killer if the killing took place really....It seems too simple. It cant be......then i reread passages ...for hints. I was like this when Voldemort had renewed himself to some form at the end of book4. Horcruxes and snape is all i can think and therein lies the magic. For once i am not remembering that its been a terrible week with sunday work.... early starts to office and feeling sooo sleepy. Its been a strangely tiring week but the book really made me feel (sad and excited) else the daily routine of life was getting to me. There's magic anyday in books for me but this saga of magic by rowling is truly magical.

Hell of a day...and i am through

just when i relaxed after being upset the whole day that i can have at least a day rest this happened.
I woke up early morning with just one thought in mind ...if only i can avoid working saturday and sunday ...o god i don't want to....
after resigning myself to it anyway for client...customer ...whatever satisfaction...
damn it ...its our project says my manager....hey the infrastructure ....should also be in place and.....because of resource crunch ...we have to pull in.....
...hey gimme a break.Once in 6 months you use it sounds good ...once a week is pathetic.

and then the end of the day magically we hear of a maintenance so no work at least on saturday im told.The manager has a long face...as we'r told...the way its delivered is this.....

"I have good news and bad news
Good news is ....how many of u were not willing to come on saturday?
well you may not come.
The bad news is our project..its gonna be affected" all this with a sad morose expression.
...yeah...blah ...blah

why was i sitting like mad at office while i had work ...because they could not get the required s/w resources.So when they beg/borrow it off on weekends i have to work on weekends.

There was other cold war drama too but thats in a different post.

So i came home at least a bit relaxed by 8.30.
had tea and was just resting ...i heard my sister's coming into the gate crying so much that i got dead scared....two guys on scooter had pushed her and pulled her bag
and fled.It had her Nokia a expensive piece she got from her first job savings.This in a town known as pretty safe(its an obscure word i guess in real life).

It was terrible...i was feeling so better after i heard that she was fine whatever's lost.Its hard to describe.Then we got on to the business of consolidating....
called up the bank to disable the atm card....damn these private banks..
...felt disgusted..they charge you so much..automate all stuff and then you have to listen to all stupid music when you are so upset for an hour just to get it disabled.
How cruel it seems.
well not much i realised when i called up Hutch to disable
my connection.It was so horrible....the damn guy is rattling off my dues(the dues are
less than the deposit i have with them)when i tell him i want it disabled immediately

the guy simply insisted it cannot be done till i pay the money...he means this at 9.30 in the night.

Having had experience in this service business well enough i did what i knew was best...disconnected the call
called up again waited till i got a better fella

told him he...first he said it will take a day ..then by night...the finally when you say this connection will never be renewed in such a case ...outgoing will be barred
within 25 mins he says..
all the while they play in the background ...raindrops keep falling....really how cruel and those recorded lines "we welcome your call/thank you for waiting...its sickening the recorded voices.

Its less to do with those executives there... more to do with the falsities propagated in the name of customer satisfaction...by corporations.

We did inform the police as one of our uncles wanted us to...but this is what the SI said to my tearful sister "So what if you are into Software...I am an SI but i keep a cell of 2000 ..why do you need a 14k cell" .Of course my uncle explained they joke like that ...dont take it to heart...but well thats about the whole story.

Its lost ...she's quite sad .... poor thing lost all her friends nos too as she was too lazy to keep em anywhere else and few she had in a tel book that too was in the purse.

It was a bad day in the end...i had my own struggles...lost my lens in the eye(how bad can it get)...i thought i had dropped it...but it was kind of hurting so i doubted...was thinking of getting back home from office at noon...but mom had left and no keys so stayed at office and after splashing water like mad at the eye i found the lens.

It was too eventful in other ways and quite bad --later on that.

But every one has their own way of looking at things.....after being sad for 2 hrs about the cell ...she says...i had my four expensive lipsticks in it(Im not as much into cosmetics and she loves em but the way she said it i was like ahhhhhh).
and i did not know what to say.

im wondering all kind of things about
this job..the money...the personal feeling when such things happen and all kind of whys.......

I myself have still not gotten over losing my cell..the oldest cheap nokia(i lost it when someone happily took it from my purse in a crowded shopping fair) and now this.
Its so easy to steal really...some do it because no work...some because they think who'll work and root causes of this.....Unemployment..population actually..this that....

and we go on living ....kabhi khushi..bahut gham.

the days just go on....

well was feeling queasy so had taken a day off monday and now i know why it was fine
simple....i'll have be working the weekend....got it confirmed today.....thats enough to upset me.
anyway i left an half an hour early .......yet there were long faces esp my manager's.....i'd finished the work dammit....why should i just hang out there..chat on msgr...keep smiling...or listen to music(i'll do it better at home) and suffer them i know not.
anyway i had to pay bills etc did that and to better my mood went to the shopping mall nearby...
.......it was being renovated ...... lot changed since i used to meet up with friends there.....suddenly remembered them all......the place we used to sit around ...they 've stacked up decorative candles now.hmmmm well........
navigated across blogs...some of ppl who commented on mine...from there to their friends blogs and i ended up at the steve jobs speech at stanford site.
liked it quite a lot.....i fwd it just some ppl in office.....just a part of it....and (while i get along with all ---- only two people i like in some specific way though they are not in my team so have to struggle to meet but we chat on the office IM) replied back --- asking why do u not send the full text it was so good. it felt good that u know ur friends ...... and they like what you like.

That long Silence……

I read this book I guess a month or so back and I found so much of it echoing my thoughts….thoughts which I thought were really off track with the ways of this world.

It was a great empathizing book for me…something I rarely come across in the amount of fiction ive read.Ive read quite some Indian fiction and have my own fav’s but I came across her books recently .she’s not as hyped as all the other famous ones but hers is the truer picture.Her exploration of the Indian psyche esp middle class ..its more of a woman’s perspective but not feminist. it so touches a chord for anyone daring to speak the truth at least to themselves.

Some examples are when the heroine (narrator) is thinking of her maid jeeja

‘all those happy women with husbands in good jobs ……. were of no use to me…It was jeeja and her like…..women who saved me from the hell of drudgery. any little freedom I had depended on them’.

It looks like a strange statement but how much we today depend on our maids even with the modern machines(they are no match work done by hand).If they were not there would housewives… forget working women(they wudnt have a chance)ever have leisure for their wonderful weepies by ekta kapoor or gossip or shopping or any fun or quality time as its said.

When we had moved house some months back and among the many reasons against I gave one saying we would never find such a flexible and good maid as we have here---- my mom had said we cannot build life around maids……well here we are in our new house day in and night out mom suffers due to our reckless new maid.we have to come and go adjusting to her timings…I can only smirk but the it does not register with her anyway.

The other line is a more poignant one…

“baby girls are done to death ….swift ending of agony….than prolonging for years”

I always (since I heard of female infanticide) thought of this but I guessed I if I said it people would simply not understand so I think I never argued much on the subject with anyone and its so locked up kind of thing ..Neither here nor there.

My thought is this …government with its laws and all can prevent these babies done to death but can they ever make someone callous enough to do this love them.

I do not think so….….rather than living a whole life of rejection ,pain not understanding why…what’s wrong with ending it at the start as a few cells. We are willing to raise a hue and cry for a biological case but what about someone who feels, who lives for years in hurt….even if they go on to succeed in the world somehow which is more of one in a thousand case can they ever outgrow a childhood steeped in rejection and pain.

I do not think the law is unfair its fine but its just that--- a law-- and life is all so different.

There is so much more in the book that captures you throughout like

“I want solitude now not when I am old and frightened of being alone”

“Poor Gandhi he thought he could change human nature but people do not change”—this one’s amusing since there was a recent movie. I don’t remember the name --- where there was a joke about Gandhi in the same vein. How Gandhi preached against money but ended up being stamped on money and I and my sis simply thought it the absolute cynical truth.

It’s a book that’s so very raw about some truths ….which some people do not even confess to themselves as they play out the great Indian happy family. Such books you cant say you loved it…they simply haunt you …as truth haunts….The other book I read of hers ‘The dark holds no terror’ is also amazing in its portrayal of exorcising past ghosts.

Lie lies in the mind

While reading some books we often feel the author has put our thoughts into word and sometimes a confusing thought is clarified or u feel so much empathy on reading them.

One such thought that always came to me was do people lie sometimes first to themselves and convince their own self that the lie is the truth and them bang it on all around insisting as that was the truth conveniently forgetting the truth themselves.

I observed it many times with people around me.I remembered this again when recently someone close was telling about their workplace.This person was talking about a new joinee who was leaving now soon ,who she thought was irresponsible ,lazy and many other things.But what she conveniently forgot was that just a month back when this new joinee had joined she liked her…in fact she said …her story is so similar to mine…she too started out as a fresher being paid less and doing all kinds of odd jobs and after two years she’s here…..then after a week another girl joined now my friend who was earlier apprehensive about this new joinee seemed to like her better than the previous one.Well from what she describes to me sure the first joinee is not of a great nature but what my friend completely forgot while using expletives for her was a month ago she liked her.

I could remind her of her words and what I would get …words like it was meant differently…or I did not say that blunt answer…an argument….souring of our relationship…..so I just listened to her but this was a perfect example of my observation. Convenience of forgetting our own words.

This is the reason I never go by first impressions…they are correct quite a lot for me but I still prefer to keep them to myself and give time before getting the whole idea stamped in my mind.

Ive read quite some fiction in Indian English but the best about middle class India ive read is by Shashi deshpande.She explores the Indian esp Middle class pschye beautifully without harsh judgements and I came across examples in her book ‘That Long Silence’that supported my thought.The book is amazingly down to earth and is so easy to relate to.

‘Ai believes in her lies’

She talks about the heroine’s mother who talks on and on about her dead uncle a school dropout who died successful and rich(the mother’s brother)…how wonderful and clever he was .how she helped him succeed though parents were against his movie career though the heroine remembers perfectly that as a child she had heard her mother hating her brother ,said he brought shame upon the family by his ways and so on.

The author explains how the old mother simply convinces herself she loved her brother all these years and he succeeded due to her support and keeps narrating to all and sundry. People who know otherwise keep shut because there no point arguing with someone who’s erased the truth from memory.

She relates other things so beautifully like when her mother tells her daughter fussing about her daughter who fusses about eating—“In my days my children ate whatever I gave them—u just fuss and spoil them”—a very contradictory thing as the daughter remembers finely her childhood when she used to be troubled about what to cook for them always and made that clear and loud.

There are other things too (I’ll write another post only on the book) which shows the Indian nature of glossing over all success forgetting conveniently the pre success story and thoughts .

I also laughed wondering the same thought when I saw on TV some old uncle singing praises of the Indian idol abhijeet sawant saying these guys hang out near the apartment and sang songs and he knew he was very good.

Really I doubt…mostly when guys hang out as an adda at aptmts and sing and make noise and play cricket most uncles in the area simply see them as a nuisance. hardly do they think then they will be famous one day for sure as he says. But that’s how people are.

If a person is brilliant and succeeds ...u c I always knew he would.

If a person who was no good say at studies and succeeds….u c I always believed he would .he’s always been damn clever…so what if he’s no good at studies.

Upset about a.....

I was really upset early morning.
Really upset ....about what could seem to many a really small thing
after all there are bigger issues this world and what not.
but well i think its the smallest things that get you out of your mind. As goes the quote
It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
well coming back why i was upset enough and remember it to write a blog.
Its all because of a Rose.
My lovely peach rose plant .the only one that survived my house move few months ago.(I still cant get over leaving that house where i had grown such a lovely garden to this morose house with hardly any place for them).
oh how i tok care of it ...i remembered to water it at the cost of being late a bit to office in summer. now its blooming and last four times in the fortnight everyday by the time i get back from office its gone and im left frustrated at this theft.
Today it was worse..i woke up walked out .it was oh so perfect ..nice curled up waking to the sun
and i got ready for office , went to look at it while leaving for office and it was gone.
Obviously the work of one of the servant girls in the houses within...
I was seething and fuming and really it upsets me so much......fifth time.....why does the rose have to bloom on monday my thoughts go awry in anger. I missed my one of my flower loving friends(now far in the us) who's one of those few people who'd understand how upsetting it is.
Since my mom knew there was no solution to this as they would not listen she moved the pot to our dark backyard where you can hardly see it unless you go there.
You can buy flowers sure i love them too but nothing like flowers of your garden. I never did like people plucking flowers except may be the fragrant ones lot of southindian women use for braids(I personally like flowers on the plants best or may be in vases inside never in hair but im not against personal choices).
What really gets to me is stealing flowers.
I can't remember now but i think it was Ruskin bond who said
"why do perfectly honest people think its fine to steal flowers and books".
Forget about dishonest ones...... Hmm i have many opinions on it and i'll continue this in my next post coz as of now i will only give lopsided arguments. After all i too don't mind getting a plucking out a few plants(not flowers though) from here and there not from individuals who 'd be upset ,.But then i sure got plants out from parks to my pots and saw them bloom better .
So so so what...... how dare some stupid woman simply dare to pluck n steal my rose everyday to adorn her hair.
I hate it.