Sun and Rain of everyday life
Life has its funny and sweet moments with all the horrors that go around and funnily
it is friends who make so much difference.
I am someone who gets chappatis for lunch something rare down south so all my friends tease me whenever i get rice may be once in month that it will rain in evening while goin home...and somehow it does...and somehow mom being busy this week only put rice and gosh........it did not rain in the evening.
Early in dawn at 4 it rained i guess and all the three of them and me at their homes far away somehow woke up with rain splattering from their deep sleeps and all of them thought of the same thing sleepily...........my tiffin and smiled to themselves in the night ....and that was the first joke next day.
Well thats a smiling thought.........the rest of this is like a mess.....
All the Sr members in my project who have been in the project for one year have put in their resignation.....and i am like mera number kab ayega.I just cant take the look in all eyes...you next .....
The smile is wiped off my lead's face...... does not say hi any more....calls up only when thers some work scenario.
All this while i've to struggle with the scheduling for a bunch of new joinees who dont know a and b and the resignees who dont care abt a's and b's.
The problem with so many people is they just dont dare....sometimes may be me too but i have my reasons.Like my official timing was 9 i went at 9.30 morning...now its 9.30 i go at 10 am..........but my lead does not ask me straight bcoz they know i'll answer the inevitable " u want me here at 9.30 i will......but i'm outta here at 6.30...take ur pick"........but the issue is they keep telling me to ask ppl in my team to come early....which to be seems like hmmmmm.
There's this new fresher reporting to me.....Gosh i cant beleive i teach them to deceive me.....he does not like the work...i know but he finishes it faster than some other slow tortoises...and said to me "mam can i leave" at 5 pm.I was like now????
why any specific work..."no mam i finished my assigned work".........i was like oh yeah then start off the next...we have a such a tight schedule and you are supposed to continue..............he was like this is not fair...........i came at 8 and started work(now just coz im friendly he dared say this)....i literally had to openly say "did i ask u to come a t 8 and start your work...u cud have browsed chatted or whatever"
He had this look on :( on face....
My friends who are just 1+yr exp were like he finished his work...u cud have let him go nah.
I only said well well i wud love to because i would say the same when my work done i am leaving but it does not work like that in mid size IT companies....its all about team work Sr managers will say.....and if you want it that way of individuality stand up and say it.
That these people won't do.When i asked this guy any issues tell me i'll try to report them to management ....he said " why bother and spoil your impression with the PL....work quietly till u will then push off".
Hence i told him gr8 going kid if thats how it you wish.Work bcoz those who cant stand up ...can sulk but have to work......
I finally at 6 said ok go ahead leave ...he was like no thats fine movie tickets wont be available now.......i was like wellllllllll...........if that was the case u better learn making excuses.....i cant teach you what excuses to make to me.
Actually i should push off faster from here....i seem to be the most anti management proxy manager.Added to it my friends find my desk at the backend of the hall safest to fill Application/Candidate info of all companies.Also i seem to have the habit of shooting myself in the foot all by myself.
A guy in my team resigned week after i took over and i was asked can you explain...i was like huh ...u really think he did all this in a week......of course i know it was for paycheck.
My PL was like if u knew why u did not tell TL.I was like when u knew i thought TL also knows and i got a good lecture on hierarchy.
PL was like why do u think think ppl are leaving like this...its not paycheck ........its the feeling of being not valued and all that crap.
Well i told that value stuff comes at your position may be but for freshers and 1 to 2+ exp ppl paisa bolta hai.
Then i was told the market is great we know but still why so many leaving.
I could only only say :"Well market is good and everyone is like make Hay while the sun shines".
It was a wonderful pause and Immediate question
"So yamini what about ...for you too make hay....."
I was like pulling up my diplomacy
"ah...it depends on how much hay for me ...see i am neither fresher nor exp...so who knows may be for a big bundle ....i dont know...nothing as of now but who knows."
I did not then have my cam phone else this was a capturable moment.
Since then sun has never been shining on my PL's face.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Monday, May 22, 2006
Brand of unhappiness
Its been so long i guess since i wrote...but them i feel i repeat myself and just coz
life repeats itself seems no good reason that i repeat myself here.
Life has gone from just one damn thing after the another to one damn thing over and over....
Almost everything i seem to do in the past few days seems to turn out badly.Well it happens a lot with me in general a lot but last week it happened a bit too much enough to be reminded of it in a special way.
I bought my new Phone a camphone 6670 but somehow after a struggling day i cud not find the color i wanted and then i compromised and then again somehow i just was not happy with it.Can't pin point and type ...many things i guess...just i was not happy.
Like why the heck does it need a key code if u want autolock....and it somehow after a 15 min conversation was warm enough to put me off....which was my basic reason to switch phones.
The way things are going i am living up to follow the following quote
"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness. ~Robertson Davies"
Well i am searching for those treasures in my brand of unhappiness coz i for one am fed up of this search for happiness.Some flaw in my temperament i guess which is unrepairable and my surroundings....which i can't demand to be changed.
Friends at office say i've lost the smile on my face since the day i took charge for a bunch of ppl(they are nice and blunt enough to say that its a false formality smile when i smile wide at their comments)....well if only i could tell that thats just a miniscule part of my unhappiness.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
A State of unaffectedness
Its become a state of continuity in my mind , the state of complete unaffectedness..Its hard to understand or rather relate when i ponder about myself.I who could be affected by every small word voice, happening seem to be unaffected by none now.
There are still somethings i hold dear but still i’ve nothing to fear...as they cant be touched...memories, visions ...unlived dreams.
I have no illusions left about this world but then it has become like one of those quotes...by who else by ultimate favorite in quotes respect keeping Oscar wilde aside.....Mark twain
“Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. ”
They are gone now and the mind seems so unbothered about anything... now that the heart seems to be no longer the trouble it used to raise for the mind ....about everything in life.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Weekend reading Riot and wondering
Absolutely devoured and finished off Shashi Tharoor's Riot this weekend.Sometime since i read a book at one go.Its a fine enough book now....I always think i should write a decent review of books but then i always am so centered on my thoughts and so again here too the same story.The book as i read it made me wonder a bit ...made me feel been there seen that a bit and so on....
Well this passage is to be read..............hard core relegious ppl pls excuse.
and guess what ..... i liked it and thought i shud post it and felt lazy typing it.So just to try my luck googled and i got my passage.Ah small mercies.....
This is written by the American girl working in a small district in UP for population control.
"Learned something interesting about the Hindu god Ram, the one all fuss about these days. Seems that when he brought his wife Sita back from Lanka and became king, the gossips in the kingdom were whispering that after so many months in Ravana's captivity, she could not possibly be chaste anymore. So to stop the tongues wagging, he subjected her to an agni-pariksha, a public ordeal by fire, to prove her innocent. She walked through the flames unscathed. A certified pure woman.
That stopped the gossips for a while, but before long the old rumours surfaced again. It was beginning to affect Ram's credibility as king. So he spoke to her about it. What could she do? She willed the earth to open up, literally, and swallowed her. That was the end of the gossip. Ram lost the woman he had warred win back, but he ruled on as a wise and beloved king.
What the hell does this say about India? Appearances are more important than truths. Gossip is more potent than facts. Loyalty is all one way, from the woman to the man. And when society stacks up all the odds against a woman, she'd better not count on the man's support. She has no way out than to end her own life.
And I'm in love with an Indian. I must be crazy."
I have nothing against the relegion of Ram though.....Hinduism i think its the best .....that is if relegion is a necessity.
After all where else can you call on a Ram when you want to defend yourself in name of social justice and chastity and a Shyam when you want just...what they say divine love.You can argue for any thing and find examples for everything....such vast is our mythology.
Now i read this book on the weekend and thought it truly represents the hypocrisy in our society and then let it be. Then today i read about that Indian engineer killed in Afghan and his second wife.Well i know its not nice speaking of dead and who am i to judge....i dont judge anyone but it surely shows how much our society values appearances.
One report was he told the second wife " you both are like my two eyes"...a very common line used by parents to to refer to their children.It made me LOL and reminded me of a childhood incident.
My sister shattered my grandma and this myth once and for all in my home........when once she repeatedly teased and grandma said you both are like my two eyes.....she answered back promptly
"But then one eye could be bright...................one eye might have a better vision".
Surely all this wouldve been known to first family but survival is the moot point hence people live through.....but when it becomes a public matter its a disgrace.Suffering and disgrace in private is honorable.....funny is our society or rather us.
Actually people have started using this Funda 'I am an Indian ' for all their stupid habits.You speak rotten english...." iam an indian man not firangi"
You spit around, smoke on face " This is india".
The next extract really is a very serious one but i laughed cynically a lot on this.
Ok let me give the context..
"a married indian bureaucrat having an affair with a visiting American student in a small district in UP.They are arguing the future of their relationship"
Priscilla:Its not that difficult Lucky .You are more western than you think...You'll adjust easily.
Lakshman: "Its not that adjustment i am talking about......In my culture no man with any self respect gives his mangalsutra, his ring his name to a woman who's been with other men.I never thought in my life i would be in a position where another man would think ,' Ive slept with his wife......"
Priscilla: You are sick.
Lakshman: I'm indian..................(I really laughed and laughed..............what an answer)
Most of the stuff in the book is pretty real India...and so one'd feel what's so special stuff.
The books well written i mean simple not too hi fi.......I wanted to read " The Great Indian Novel " and ended up with this....as ever you never find what you want when you want.It was a fine way to spend a weekend drained as i was of that office work.
Absolutely devoured and finished off Shashi Tharoor's Riot this weekend.Sometime since i read a book at one go.Its a fine enough book now....I always think i should write a decent review of books but then i always am so centered on my thoughts and so again here too the same story.The book as i read it made me wonder a bit ...made me feel been there seen that a bit and so on....
Well this passage is to be read..............hard core relegious ppl pls excuse.
and guess what ..... i liked it and thought i shud post it and felt lazy typing it.So just to try my luck googled and i got my passage.Ah small mercies.....
This is written by the American girl working in a small district in UP for population control.
"Learned something interesting about the Hindu god Ram, the one all fuss about these days. Seems that when he brought his wife Sita back from Lanka and became king, the gossips in the kingdom were whispering that after so many months in Ravana's captivity, she could not possibly be chaste anymore. So to stop the tongues wagging, he subjected her to an agni-pariksha, a public ordeal by fire, to prove her innocent. She walked through the flames unscathed. A certified pure woman.
That stopped the gossips for a while, but before long the old rumours surfaced again. It was beginning to affect Ram's credibility as king. So he spoke to her about it. What could she do? She willed the earth to open up, literally, and swallowed her. That was the end of the gossip. Ram lost the woman he had warred win back, but he ruled on as a wise and beloved king.
What the hell does this say about India? Appearances are more important than truths. Gossip is more potent than facts. Loyalty is all one way, from the woman to the man. And when society stacks up all the odds against a woman, she'd better not count on the man's support. She has no way out than to end her own life.
And I'm in love with an Indian. I must be crazy."
I have nothing against the relegion of Ram though.....Hinduism i think its the best .....that is if relegion is a necessity.
After all where else can you call on a Ram when you want to defend yourself in name of social justice and chastity and a Shyam when you want just...what they say divine love.You can argue for any thing and find examples for everything....such vast is our mythology.
Now i read this book on the weekend and thought it truly represents the hypocrisy in our society and then let it be. Then today i read about that Indian engineer killed in Afghan and his second wife.Well i know its not nice speaking of dead and who am i to judge....i dont judge anyone but it surely shows how much our society values appearances.
One report was he told the second wife " you both are like my two eyes"...a very common line used by parents to to refer to their children.It made me LOL and reminded me of a childhood incident.
My sister shattered my grandma and this myth once and for all in my home........when once she repeatedly teased and grandma said you both are like my two eyes.....she answered back promptly
"But then one eye could be bright...................one eye might have a better vision".
Surely all this wouldve been known to first family but survival is the moot point hence people live through.....but when it becomes a public matter its a disgrace.Suffering and disgrace in private is honorable.....funny is our society or rather us.
Actually people have started using this Funda 'I am an Indian ' for all their stupid habits.You speak rotten english...." iam an indian man not firangi"
You spit around, smoke on face " This is india".
The next extract really is a very serious one but i laughed cynically a lot on this.
Ok let me give the context..
"a married indian bureaucrat having an affair with a visiting American student in a small district in UP.They are arguing the future of their relationship"
Priscilla:Its not that difficult Lucky .You are more western than you think...You'll adjust easily.
Lakshman: "Its not that adjustment i am talking about......In my culture no man with any self respect gives his mangalsutra, his ring his name to a woman who's been with other men.I never thought in my life i would be in a position where another man would think ,' Ive slept with his wife......"
Priscilla: You are sick.
Lakshman: I'm indian..................(I really laughed and laughed..............what an answer)
Most of the stuff in the book is pretty real India...and so one'd feel what's so special stuff.
The books well written i mean simple not too hi fi.......I wanted to read " The Great Indian Novel " and ended up with this....as ever you never find what you want when you want.It was a fine way to spend a weekend drained as i was of that office work.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
A lunch and some Conversation
Sometimes i am so clueless about myself....i mean why do i end up beind such a misfit literally everywhere.I just seem to be out of place everywhere....in all groups....the liberals and the conservatives....i fit in nowwhere.
Had gone out for a lunch with some team members .I had been a part of that part of the team for a short time but since im friends anyways with that bunch i was invited even though i am no longer part of it.It was justa few of us hence conversation was not really easy.When its the whole team of 20 members lunch just passes away .....but we 3 were like a bunch of the quiet but not so quiet kind of people and the other girl is actually a very brilliant child frankly and wont cant make much serious conversation with likes of us only the movie jokes and all and with all 3 of us not south indian movie buffs she was quietest......... and most of our jokes being anti management and with the lead being the honorary invitee we could not start off on that.
At such a point waiting for the damn order when the talk about the book five point someone came up.I just said oh S youve read it.....and god what a reaction i got...."No No No its not for girls".I honestly though i was speaking of some X rated book.
I just said too late for caution..."ive read it".....and so it was lik eok so how was it....i was like yeah good ....i guess most engineer esp mechanical are the same.
So you are which branch ...Oh electrical....A says" arre god what we studied and what work we do."
But i just was left wondering whats the problem with people and what illusions they live with.I really though may be i should get the book again and see what was so strange about the book....thats not on TV or movies in your face.Agreed it was written more from a guys point of view and humor but that kind of reaction............i was left wondering why dont i just shut up and go on smiling at people's conversations.
But the way we make conversation amuses me....you ask a girl eating deep fried potatoes what you will not have anything .....dieting."What to say".
But honestly i am in such a strange mood...i mean nearly 3 of my teammmates have resigned and all around its resignation season.......even S to whom i reported to earlier is leaving for abroad......he argues too much and used to make life hell for my lead and i used to get sandwiched in between and hated it.... but he was the only guy with some courage in this whole bunch i am surrounded by .......and its like all a boring bunch of ppl left.....you know there's so much opportunity out there and you are good enough but you are pulled back due to some stuff and then to top it all around you have freshers with all stupid illusions....its so hard to get then to understand that life's all Cntrl+V and Cntrl+C.Then one of the chap who reports to me had got so used to fwding issue mails to me that he fwd some mail meant esp for the guys team and i had to endure a big sorry session.
Best amusement of the week though: What did we do in this project
A says Car, Dar and War.(Now thats process terminology and lets leave it).
War surely we are doing....
Sometimes i am so clueless about myself....i mean why do i end up beind such a misfit literally everywhere.I just seem to be out of place everywhere....in all groups....the liberals and the conservatives....i fit in nowwhere.
Had gone out for a lunch with some team members .I had been a part of that part of the team for a short time but since im friends anyways with that bunch i was invited even though i am no longer part of it.It was justa few of us hence conversation was not really easy.When its the whole team of 20 members lunch just passes away .....but we 3 were like a bunch of the quiet but not so quiet kind of people and the other girl is actually a very brilliant child frankly and wont cant make much serious conversation with likes of us only the movie jokes and all and with all 3 of us not south indian movie buffs she was quietest......... and most of our jokes being anti management and with the lead being the honorary invitee we could not start off on that.
At such a point waiting for the damn order when the talk about the book five point someone came up.I just said oh S youve read it.....and god what a reaction i got...."No No No its not for girls".I honestly though i was speaking of some X rated book.
I just said too late for caution..."ive read it".....and so it was lik eok so how was it....i was like yeah good ....i guess most engineer esp mechanical are the same.
So you are which branch ...Oh electrical....A says" arre god what we studied and what work we do."
But i just was left wondering whats the problem with people and what illusions they live with.I really though may be i should get the book again and see what was so strange about the book....thats not on TV or movies in your face.Agreed it was written more from a guys point of view and humor but that kind of reaction............i was left wondering why dont i just shut up and go on smiling at people's conversations.
But the way we make conversation amuses me....you ask a girl eating deep fried potatoes what you will not have anything .....dieting."What to say".
But honestly i am in such a strange mood...i mean nearly 3 of my teammmates have resigned and all around its resignation season.......even S to whom i reported to earlier is leaving for abroad......he argues too much and used to make life hell for my lead and i used to get sandwiched in between and hated it.... but he was the only guy with some courage in this whole bunch i am surrounded by .......and its like all a boring bunch of ppl left.....you know there's so much opportunity out there and you are good enough but you are pulled back due to some stuff and then to top it all around you have freshers with all stupid illusions....its so hard to get then to understand that life's all Cntrl+V and Cntrl+C.Then one of the chap who reports to me had got so used to fwding issue mails to me that he fwd some mail meant esp for the guys team and i had to endure a big sorry session.
Best amusement of the week though: What did we do in this project
A says Car, Dar and War.(Now thats process terminology and lets leave it).
War surely we are doing....
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Friendships, thoughts and all nonsense
Last week was my Library day....i make a trek to the library however busy to get myself a dose of escape.....
and since i was way too tired to get anything which would tax me i opted for no technical books....honestly once you get a job i guess no one reads technical books...they are only for interviews when you have no job.
So i picked up a small poetic collection....basically its a collection of poems read on BBC's program "Something understood" ...it is based on those spiritual themes and all which i'll skip reading i guess...God's not pretty much my cuppa tea now.
It happens rarely with me but when it does i am quite amused.....
Well on thr front page of this book scrawled across in a childlike handwriting was "Page 73 and Page 107 Just Mindblowing."
Well one was the lovely Vikram Seth's poem i had posted earlier "All you who sleep tonight".
The other was just the opposite type god based i guess was ...oks "A Julian Contemplation" by Edwina Gateley.
What amused me was what inspires or rather whats on their mind when people scribble such notes in public books?
Neverthless i finally broke the jinx after 10 days and came home at 8 pm...wow gr8 and started reading the book a bit...
the friendship section had some very good thoughts and reminded me of a discussion with a friend.It was in reply to a Fwd: i mailed .
I hope my copying from the mails isnt an issue :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FWD :How Friends Break ?
Both Friends will think the other is busy and will not contact thinking it may be disturbing. As time passes both will think let the other contact. After that each will think why should I contact first. Here ur love will be converted to Hate. Finally without contact the memory becomes weak. They forget each other. One fine Day they will meet n blame one another. So Keep in touch with all your Friends.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply:
yeah that's true
may be thats y friends break but one question i ask is is really friend ship that way meaning does lack of contact reduce interest?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Re:reply
It was just a fwd but neverthless good thoughts but contact does make a difference --- not to friendship that was --- but keeping up friendship with time.As we go on no contact means we only have memories no understanding of their current scenario , and sharing of thoughts or whatever and that is what defines a good friendship is it not?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So when i read the below something spoken by a very old friend of MArk Tully D'Arcy O'Farrell.......
i felt as is always with me..."Someone Understood"....probably why i love books.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So often friendships wither and love grows cold because the initial excitement wears off and we do not persevere in deepening the relationship.It can only deepen by living through the duller moments, by arguing out the inevitable
differences and overcoming the distances too, as D'Arcy suggests.
"You must keep in contact with people and you must make some sort of effort.Its no use sitting around and waiting for the other fellow to come to y ou.And there's sometimes an element of sacrifice; you've got to be prepared to put things aside for your friend, somethings that perhaps, superficially , you'd rather be doing.If someone you're really close to wants to see you, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your own plans to be with them.
I think there is so much change and newness in life now, compared to when we were young, its much easier to have superficial friendships with people and then forget about themwhen you pass onto the next set.So i think it has become harder to retain and develop friendships because of the pace of life, but having said that, real friendship is a great rarity in life, and always has been."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To end the post some nice lines from the book...more from it later
"They that love beyond the world ,
cannot be seperated by it.
Death cannot kill what what never dies"
William penn
Hope they dont sound too morose..................but i somehow dont feel morose
about death.....I always think if it weren't for death there would be no escape....from the mess of life.......
thank god this will end surefire..........i feel when i think of death.But i guess thats for my ownself.....its not great to imagine it for whom you care for.
Now what to title this post as??....writing is not much difficult ....hardest is the title for me. they are so losely connected topics all in one post...............i scribble all nonsense....nah type(i hate typing and my typing is the greatest amusement of my team mates......but imagine i write so long a post when i hate typing if a post could be scribbled i'll write triple the length i guess)
Last week was my Library day....i make a trek to the library however busy to get myself a dose of escape.....
and since i was way too tired to get anything which would tax me i opted for no technical books....honestly once you get a job i guess no one reads technical books...they are only for interviews when you have no job.
So i picked up a small poetic collection....basically its a collection of poems read on BBC's program "Something understood" ...it is based on those spiritual themes and all which i'll skip reading i guess...God's not pretty much my cuppa tea now.
It happens rarely with me but when it does i am quite amused.....
Well on thr front page of this book scrawled across in a childlike handwriting was "Page 73 and Page 107 Just Mindblowing."
Well one was the lovely Vikram Seth's poem i had posted earlier "All you who sleep tonight".
The other was just the opposite type god based i guess was ...oks "A Julian Contemplation" by Edwina Gateley.
What amused me was what inspires or rather whats on their mind when people scribble such notes in public books?
Neverthless i finally broke the jinx after 10 days and came home at 8 pm...wow gr8 and started reading the book a bit...
the friendship section had some very good thoughts and reminded me of a discussion with a friend.It was in reply to a Fwd: i mailed .
I hope my copying from the mails isnt an issue :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FWD :How Friends Break ?
Both Friends will think the other is busy and will not contact thinking it may be disturbing. As time passes both will think let the other contact. After that each will think why should I contact first. Here ur love will be converted to Hate. Finally without contact the memory becomes weak. They forget each other. One fine Day they will meet n blame one another. So Keep in touch with all your Friends.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply:
yeah that's true
may be thats y friends break but one question i ask is is really friend ship that way meaning does lack of contact reduce interest?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Re:reply
It was just a fwd but neverthless good thoughts but contact does make a difference --- not to friendship that was --- but keeping up friendship with time.As we go on no contact means we only have memories no understanding of their current scenario , and sharing of thoughts or whatever and that is what defines a good friendship is it not?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So when i read the below something spoken by a very old friend of MArk Tully D'Arcy O'Farrell.......
i felt as is always with me..."Someone Understood"....probably why i love books.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So often friendships wither and love grows cold because the initial excitement wears off and we do not persevere in deepening the relationship.It can only deepen by living through the duller moments, by arguing out the inevitable
differences and overcoming the distances too, as D'Arcy suggests.
"You must keep in contact with people and you must make some sort of effort.Its no use sitting around and waiting for the other fellow to come to y ou.And there's sometimes an element of sacrifice; you've got to be prepared to put things aside for your friend, somethings that perhaps, superficially , you'd rather be doing.If someone you're really close to wants to see you, you have to be prepared to sacrifice your own plans to be with them.
I think there is so much change and newness in life now, compared to when we were young, its much easier to have superficial friendships with people and then forget about themwhen you pass onto the next set.So i think it has become harder to retain and develop friendships because of the pace of life, but having said that, real friendship is a great rarity in life, and always has been."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To end the post some nice lines from the book...more from it later
"They that love beyond the world ,
cannot be seperated by it.
Death cannot kill what what never dies"
William penn
Hope they dont sound too morose..................but i somehow dont feel morose
about death.....I always think if it weren't for death there would be no escape....from the mess of life.......
thank god this will end surefire..........i feel when i think of death.But i guess thats for my ownself.....its not great to imagine it for whom you care for.
Now what to title this post as??....writing is not much difficult ....hardest is the title for me. they are so losely connected topics all in one post...............i scribble all nonsense....nah type(i hate typing and my typing is the greatest amusement of my team mates......but imagine i write so long a post when i hate typing if a post could be scribbled i'll write triple the length i guess)
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Ah what a week if you can call something sugar coated bitter pill this week i got a full dosage of it.
I mean i walk in on Monday and i am called in by the manager.....ah hmm ....hmm see we think the technical team has less work and so we plan to remove a resource from it and i understand your concern but i want you to take over the Functional team as a Sr person ....its known as the contact layer in our organisation( the ppl who report to the Team lead.).Since the growth path deems that you look at the next role this is how it will be ...i am so happy to tell that 3 engineers will report to you(My thoughts: great ab teen log mujhko gaali dena shuru karenge....basically what it means is you have to do your work and worry about getting work done by others too .....more importantly lie to them better about what i lie to you is what was meant ).
I cant say no because i am not some brilliant technical person..............just an above avg in technical (though this project does not even need average )........but this is kind of a sudden change.
I am fine with management but what is troubling is this move will help me nowhere if i dont stick with this org for next 2 or 3 years which i dont want....the environment here gets to me.I have my reasons why i am in this soup...past never becomes past.To move out of this org i must be in Technical but how do you refuse a promotion now esp if you not brilliant in Technical.That is called trapping and the did it well.
The thing is there was a new proj and with one senior person moving there and the other resigning i had to do it......and its being shown as a favor to me......
Anyway some things come back to haunt you.....well the nickname by which we call this contact layer was started by ME.........life comes in circles.....and now all my bunch of colleagues and friends call me and say so you are the new.........
Its no use .....just a name and i have to more work...if it was purely managing i know how it can be done and enjoyed but suddenly making your peers and friends who helped you answerable to you is not such a fun idea. But people at this place are not bothered about such things........
That ended the story of my “to heck with it life” and from next day stay back late and slog it out life started and now we have to work the weekend. My protest is given such beautiful answers and i was left reading between the lines.
:We are trying for more resources with Sr management(since....since oh since eternity ......with no success)
: This happens whnever we start a new cycle(hmm and this will continue..... because we only want business first)
: This is common in IT...things are dynamic.... we cant plan...(ok great then why do talk of CMM and planning and waste hours on meetings)
: Change is inevitable(Oh yeah ... then why when we say i want to change this boring project and get in where i can learn something more you say.......”.no... no see how xxx is in this proj from 18 months she's never complained”)
:Get me the numbers to convince the management to need more resources........they think people are not working eight hours(referrring to coffee room discussions)
: See this happens take this as a Challenge(i could only stare..... working n copy pasting 100 times more by staying back late and working weekends is a challenge??? but as i came out of the meeting room my friend answered it to me......working weekends is a burden not a challenge...tell that .Of course the guys have their own jokes....so they asked me to get the Thums up from the canteen and put it there.....Take the challenge. )
Definition of challenge in mid size IT company or at least my current project is: As many hours work the client gives finish it on time with whatever you have.
Then there are friends ah friends.....
Scene1:
They say Coffe chalen....
I say lemme finish this mail..........
hmm ok so maam has been promoted no time for coffee............
Scene 2:
They say Cofee chalen
I say chalo..(2 mins waiting)
Come nah u said coffee
ok ok we know u r now senior and hence are free while others work
Really i am having some time of this....................
At the end of the day all of then do tell me and that is heartfelt i know......come on why are you still here at
But the most amusing moment was the only fresher a new joinee assigned to me..........
“Maam i am leaving”
(Ok gr8 and pls pls stop this Maam thing)
“Hmm Maam do we have to be here by sharp 9.30 morning.”
I could only LOL any other day....i wanted to say with me its more like sharp 6.30(evening of course).I just smiled and so did all who knew me.........."sharp 9.30" ..........me huh....i wanted to tell him that line
The trouble with being punctual is there will be no one esp ME to appreciate it.
Then i come home after my torrid protest of working weekend and my mom says “What you are working weekend”.......but you can’t.Perplexed...........i ask why...........she says ive arranged a puja....and you must be present ........
but why did you not tell me.... (the answer left me feel crushed.............ah god)
“Its been quite so long since you worked on weekend.” so i thought .............you’d be there.
I could only wonder and wonder ........about being taken for granted all the places.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Good Friday Huh.........
Few moments of sheer joy and then a day of agony ,recriminations ,accusations seems is what i ended up with on this friday what i hoped would be a good friday.For those two hours it felt blissful as i lay on the cool floor as music played happily....Tere Ghar Ke Samne (its quite nice this song i like to hum it a lot) and more......I really love listening to music all alone at home..........esp those old songs my fav....... with mom and sis around its never the same.
It was nice really nice and i guess and that was all nice for the day and quite some time to come.
I just wondered how is this relaxation and happiness bad compared to going to some damn temple with fumes and what not ......bizzare repetition of some verses and that too in such noisy manner(some of them make it so much shrill)......but i guess i am unable to convince anyone around.
I dont know of love but Faith is blind.....no issues with it till i am not forced into it.....but people with relegious faith are never content with themselves being blind they want others for company.
To enjoy by yourself is sin and every moment no one will leave you alone lest you commit this sin of loving your own company.....and be lost to their world.Sane arguments are a waste in such case.....they only elicit more stubborn blind faith and emotional ekta kapoor scenes.Now one's worried about my going blind with the time i spend at my PC.....well they dont mind if it was at work but at home.What pays is a different story....thats one faith most beleive in .
Its ever the same with my ever awaited holidays.I wish i was back to my office where honestly i dont care....i may complain crib but nothing or no one there matters much...its infinitely easy you feel when such things happen.
There one amusing thing i noticed last month....a new word was commonly being used for me by both my manager and my colleagues.Everytime they kind of tell me....its ok ....."Dont Panic".Huh i think ....what makes them think i'll panic about this project.....then again i think do i really look so dedicated and tense and that people take it that way way....when my basic feeling is whocares.
Then i was left wondering .....Dilbert epitomises our offices.....what does that for our homes.
I shudder to think may be ..... Ekta Kapoor's serials....
Few moments of sheer joy and then a day of agony ,recriminations ,accusations seems is what i ended up with on this friday what i hoped would be a good friday.For those two hours it felt blissful as i lay on the cool floor as music played happily....Tere Ghar Ke Samne (its quite nice this song i like to hum it a lot) and more......I really love listening to music all alone at home..........esp those old songs my fav....... with mom and sis around its never the same.
It was nice really nice and i guess and that was all nice for the day and quite some time to come.
I just wondered how is this relaxation and happiness bad compared to going to some damn temple with fumes and what not ......bizzare repetition of some verses and that too in such noisy manner(some of them make it so much shrill)......but i guess i am unable to convince anyone around.
I dont know of love but Faith is blind.....no issues with it till i am not forced into it.....but people with relegious faith are never content with themselves being blind they want others for company.
To enjoy by yourself is sin and every moment no one will leave you alone lest you commit this sin of loving your own company.....and be lost to their world.Sane arguments are a waste in such case.....they only elicit more stubborn blind faith and emotional ekta kapoor scenes.Now one's worried about my going blind with the time i spend at my PC.....well they dont mind if it was at work but at home.What pays is a different story....thats one faith most beleive in .
Its ever the same with my ever awaited holidays.I wish i was back to my office where honestly i dont care....i may complain crib but nothing or no one there matters much...its infinitely easy you feel when such things happen.
There one amusing thing i noticed last month....a new word was commonly being used for me by both my manager and my colleagues.Everytime they kind of tell me....its ok ....."Dont Panic".Huh i think ....what makes them think i'll panic about this project.....then again i think do i really look so dedicated and tense and that people take it that way way....when my basic feeling is whocares.
Then i was left wondering .....Dilbert epitomises our offices.....what does that for our homes.
I shudder to think may be ..... Ekta Kapoor's serials....
Thursday, April 13, 2006
The world of reality has its limits.....sadly
I was kind of lost.............and did not know what to do as i sat at my PC....to stay away from it means other kind of troubles in this closed up house.So i just sat down staring at it till my screensaver came up a huge slideshow of all my hopeless collection of flowers and trees from the net.There are two pictures of two trees starkly different one with bright white flowers which i adore and one deep orange leaves, both i love and as they looped through i kept imagining standing beneath those trees....and looking up at the......it seemed lovely the illusion.
But in reality i found a tree with yellow flowers(reality is always different hmmmm) hanging down all over the tree near my office.I literally sat below it and looked up and i saw the lovely flowers and those bunch of fleas in there too and i got scared of them getting into my eyes and lenses and got away.Then i started wondering...may be thats the problem with me ....i see more reality than i wish to see.That is why i guess Jean Jacques Rousseau said
"The world of reality has its limits; the world of imagination is boundless. "
This is one of those Classic poems from Vikram Seth,.....actually its the title poem of that book."All you who sleep Tonight"....It was long since i opened the book...i just enjoy glancing at it and playing my games of randomly opening pages.Since its long since a poem was posted by me and i am in no mood to write anything poetic ...... i'm like more in mood to write some thing caustic but let it be.So i thought of putting t his poem here.Words can be woven so beautifully or is it thoughts can be transformed so wonderfully i think as i read his poems.
--------------------------------------
All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right
And emptiness above -
Know that you aren't alone
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their years.
-- Vikram Seth
---------------------------------------
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Objective: Weekend
Sometimes when i think of my objective just before starting work in week i realise its thesame thing since i started working....the weekend.
Earlier i used to think it was a BPO job and the timings are odd so i need my sleep ........but now in one of those IT jobs its the same always the same......
Earlier i thought it was this company may be but slowly i realise it may be the same else where........
There are few days when things are kinda cool and times when you feel some people are really friends and not colleagues and when on weekends you get bored you wish you were at office making fun of clients and management.............but they are oh so rare weekends.
The last week was very hectic......appraisals were out and people were upset or were being upset by others upset and work was made a direct variable of the pay ....... at least every conversation smirked of it.It was a terrible week and never wanted the weekend more.......i deliberately planned to lock myself in esp what with summer in full swing....i even did not read a book i was so tired.............in fact all i did for two days was i guess sleep and post to my blog........the whole infighting had taken good toll on my sleep.
I start every Monday aiming for Friday....
Every Monday morning its always like the Dicor ad which will remain my Fav for very long(I do want to quit every Monday...... )
Its not like i have some great weekend parties or get together or any such happening things.
Its just that i need a respite from hating what i do i guess.....
What if you are good at what you hate and average at what you love?
I'm still wondering..........
Sometimes when i think of my objective just before starting work in week i realise its thesame thing since i started working....the weekend.
Earlier i used to think it was a BPO job and the timings are odd so i need my sleep ........but now in one of those IT jobs its the same always the same......
Earlier i thought it was this company may be but slowly i realise it may be the same else where........
There are few days when things are kinda cool and times when you feel some people are really friends and not colleagues and when on weekends you get bored you wish you were at office making fun of clients and management.............but they are oh so rare weekends.
The last week was very hectic......appraisals were out and people were upset or were being upset by others upset and work was made a direct variable of the pay ....... at least every conversation smirked of it.It was a terrible week and never wanted the weekend more.......i deliberately planned to lock myself in esp what with summer in full swing....i even did not read a book i was so tired.............in fact all i did for two days was i guess sleep and post to my blog........the whole infighting had taken good toll on my sleep.
I start every Monday aiming for Friday....
Every Monday morning its always like the Dicor ad which will remain my Fav for very long(I do want to quit every Monday...... )
Its not like i have some great weekend parties or get together or any such happening things.
Its just that i need a respite from hating what i do i guess.....
What if you are good at what you hate and average at what you love?
I'm still wondering..........
Saturday, April 08, 2006
A few of my favs
I dont browse blogs all that much as much as i'd want to these days because whatever time i can find off work im so self absorbed in writing about me ,my work and such nonsense .
Just thought of listing the very few of the blogs that i frequent see again its about me......... of course there are quite some i visit on o3 regularly esp those who leave comments and the stars at o3 like forbidden, taira, anant_rulz, downtoearth, libran girl and so many .
The below are a few out there which are kind of very interesting to me and i enjoy reading them.
http://socialpariah.blogspot.com
My absolute personal favourite when i want to read some touching stuff........pity she's not updating it these days since new year.She writes in an abstract manner and such short phrases and i love em.I mean i wish i could write so much in such few words....i just pile em up i think.Many Many short earlier posts that are almost poetic.
http://amitsmusings.rediffblogs.com/
Like quite some of the cartoons he puts up and the quotes and other stuff....has a great fondness for blonde jokes though.....but well.....let that be.
http://midnightmare.blogspot.com
Came across this blog somehow about a Mother teresa post.I myself am not into charity and dont really like her philosophy.I mean is keeping people alive, just alive the motto, i always wondered.
Anyway he really wrote some tirade against her which i guess was correct .
His posts are mostly anti something but neverthless i enjoy them because i too always feel anti something or the other so much i guess.
Then his thing for and against girls/women is i guess common to all guys.
But while in general most posts have a pompous feel to it and many i dont agree at all and some i agree too much,
i neverthless like the guy's writing...quite individualistic.Most people i thought never think of others who never have it good because this worlds fixed thinking but i really liked the way he wrote "In a Group, I'm Individual..." post.
Then unlike most others who write so much about our country the state of affairs, knowing they themselves cant do anything or dont do he simply confesses what i too proclaim that i just dont have the solution and i m too selfish maybe.
http://www.arz000n.com
Very recently discovered by me and have just read a few of them and they really get you to laugh.Proclaims himself bizzare by default...not sure if he's that bizarre and has a tendency to write pretty lot about guys thing.........but neverthless quite fun.
I generally dont like this tagging and all that but his tags give you a real much needed laugh.But what takes the cake is i finally found someone who cribs as much as me in fact in a much funny way about the IT offices and all the freaky clients and HR and management.
I dont browse blogs all that much as much as i'd want to these days because whatever time i can find off work im so self absorbed in writing about me ,my work and such nonsense .
Just thought of listing the very few of the blogs that i frequent see again its about me......... of course there are quite some i visit on o3 regularly esp those who leave comments and the stars at o3 like forbidden, taira, anant_rulz, downtoearth, libran girl and so many .
The below are a few out there which are kind of very interesting to me and i enjoy reading them.
http://socialpariah.blogspot.com
My absolute personal favourite when i want to read some touching stuff........pity she's not updating it these days since new year.She writes in an abstract manner and such short phrases and i love em.I mean i wish i could write so much in such few words....i just pile em up i think.Many Many short earlier posts that are almost poetic.
http://amitsmusings.rediffblogs.com/
Like quite some of the cartoons he puts up and the quotes and other stuff....has a great fondness for blonde jokes though.....but well.....let that be.
http://midnightmare.blogspot.com
Came across this blog somehow about a Mother teresa post.I myself am not into charity and dont really like her philosophy.I mean is keeping people alive, just alive the motto, i always wondered.
Anyway he really wrote some tirade against her which i guess was correct .
His posts are mostly anti something but neverthless i enjoy them because i too always feel anti something or the other so much i guess.
Then his thing for and against girls/women is i guess common to all guys.
But while in general most posts have a pompous feel to it and many i dont agree at all and some i agree too much,
i neverthless like the guy's writing...quite individualistic.Most people i thought never think of others who never have it good because this worlds fixed thinking but i really liked the way he wrote "In a Group, I'm Individual..." post.
Then unlike most others who write so much about our country the state of affairs, knowing they themselves cant do anything or dont do he simply confesses what i too proclaim that i just dont have the solution and i m too selfish maybe.
http://www.arz000n.com
Very recently discovered by me and have just read a few of them and they really get you to laugh.Proclaims himself bizzare by default...not sure if he's that bizarre and has a tendency to write pretty lot about guys thing.........but neverthless quite fun.
I generally dont like this tagging and all that but his tags give you a real much needed laugh.But what takes the cake is i finally found someone who cribs as much as me in fact in a much funny way about the IT offices and all the freaky clients and HR and management.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
I hate formatting:
Seems like last whole week i am doing just that be it at office or at blogger....and i am sick of it.
I mean whom to blame microsoft or all else seem nearly same.
What you format in Word once you paste in outlook it messes up and with managers and clients finicky about tabs and spaces its like one hell of a sick thing.
You reply to a mail and the bullets misbehave.....and my patient colleague just sits up up removes all the spaces......while i feel stupid...yeah i know how to remove spaces but its so irritating......backspace a line and color changes....font changes........
Then they call it WYSIWYG.(What you see is what you get)it should be "WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU DONT WANNA SEE"
You feel sick.....ahhhh i love notepad honestly..........
Then you come home and try to edit stuff on blogger the font i have on one of them is too small....i increase the size and the template i preferred gets messed up ...you've to scroll a mile to see the topmost post.....it took an hour to try setting it .....and the power goes off....fed up and left it at the minute font.
Seems like last whole week i am doing just that be it at office or at blogger....and i am sick of it.
I mean whom to blame microsoft or all else seem nearly same.
What you format in Word once you paste in outlook it messes up and with managers and clients finicky about tabs and spaces its like one hell of a sick thing.
You reply to a mail and the bullets misbehave.....and my patient colleague just sits up up removes all the spaces......while i feel stupid...yeah i know how to remove spaces but its so irritating......backspace a line and color changes....font changes........
Then they call it WYSIWYG.(What you see is what you get)it should be "WHAT YOU GET IS WHAT YOU DONT WANNA SEE"
You feel sick.....ahhhh i love notepad honestly..........
Then you come home and try to edit stuff on blogger the font i have on one of them is too small....i increase the size and the template i preferred gets messed up ...you've to scroll a mile to see the topmost post.....it took an hour to try setting it .....and the power goes off....fed up and left it at the minute font.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Self Hate/Pity/blah blah
I hate it and i hate it big time but i did it cause there was no other way i could think to be done.....just lied about my raise....now i am no absolute truth speaking paragon but i guess in most places speaking truly gets you a good sleep...you neednt worry about the next lie.
Whenever i feel i have some great need to lie i use a "no info or confused kind" of thing rather than outright lie.But to lie about figures is bad.....there no way out damn.What do i say i did not get 5 means 8 huh.Now the real raise is known to two people whom i can call friends in an office scenario and in general to an extent....How much i trust them ....not really and if they blow it well hmm nothing will happen but i'll lose my credibilty with my peers..... all to save a sick piece of management.Its disgusting to live through it....and it affects my sleep .....a sin my life.
It more like a poem i had posted somewhere on my blogfrom "An Irish Airman forsees his death" by Yeats."
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;"
All because i started off on the wrong foot in my career.As i was drowning in self pity and also pepping myself up i mused sometimes people can be really cruel.
A colleague of mine had a break in her career after marriage and hence resumed her career as a fresher.Hence pay is less.Now while introducing her in the team after the general stuff my Sr manager ......prompted her on and on tell tell how you got in here.She was brave enough to report it and he got off with an apology but such people dont change they simply cover up tracks and wear better masks.
All this brought me on to something...there was so much about ethics hiring firing etc in the papers recently which i think is all very good but then that is if its implemented completely and thoroughly which is not the case.Equal opportunity irrespective of without regard to race, gender, age, color, ............which is hardly the truth.
May be the intentions are good but i can say surely that the way they are implemented in this country by our people are hardly close to honorable....more so in our wonderful indian companies which love to use thesame lines but alas they never hire the managers who can implement it.I dont rant about this as a employee but also because i happen to have a HR at home who gives a very pretty inside view of the HR world.
Once what was called as recommendation is now called as reference was the punchline.
Anyway may be later more i am not in a good mood at all.There was more stuff on the weekend but let it be...i am not even in a mood to write anymore.
All this after i dragged myself to the damn office thinking of the quote "Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ''I'm with you kid. Let's go.''
Yeah we went and it sucks where i have been.
I hate it and i hate it big time but i did it cause there was no other way i could think to be done.....just lied about my raise....now i am no absolute truth speaking paragon but i guess in most places speaking truly gets you a good sleep...you neednt worry about the next lie.
Whenever i feel i have some great need to lie i use a "no info or confused kind" of thing rather than outright lie.But to lie about figures is bad.....there no way out damn.What do i say i did not get 5 means 8 huh.Now the real raise is known to two people whom i can call friends in an office scenario and in general to an extent....How much i trust them ....not really and if they blow it well hmm nothing will happen but i'll lose my credibilty with my peers..... all to save a sick piece of management.Its disgusting to live through it....and it affects my sleep .....a sin my life.
It more like a poem i had posted somewhere on my blogfrom "An Irish Airman forsees his death" by Yeats."
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love;"
All because i started off on the wrong foot in my career.As i was drowning in self pity and also pepping myself up i mused sometimes people can be really cruel.
A colleague of mine had a break in her career after marriage and hence resumed her career as a fresher.Hence pay is less.Now while introducing her in the team after the general stuff my Sr manager ......prompted her on and on tell tell how you got in here.She was brave enough to report it and he got off with an apology but such people dont change they simply cover up tracks and wear better masks.
All this brought me on to something...there was so much about ethics hiring firing etc in the papers recently which i think is all very good but then that is if its implemented completely and thoroughly which is not the case.Equal opportunity irrespective of without regard to race, gender, age, color, ............which is hardly the truth.
May be the intentions are good but i can say surely that the way they are implemented in this country by our people are hardly close to honorable....more so in our wonderful indian companies which love to use thesame lines but alas they never hire the managers who can implement it.I dont rant about this as a employee but also because i happen to have a HR at home who gives a very pretty inside view of the HR world.
Once what was called as recommendation is now called as reference was the punchline.
Anyway may be later more i am not in a good mood at all.There was more stuff on the weekend but let it be...i am not even in a mood to write anymore.
All this after i dragged myself to the damn office thinking of the quote "Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told: ''I'm with you kid. Let's go.''
Yeah we went and it sucks where i have been.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Hollowness of Applause
This post has nothing to do with cricket or Tendulkar as much as i enjoyed watching them both but yes it came to mind when i heard (its been very long since i watched them with as much passion as it used to be once.......now its just tracked on the web and news) about the booing by the Mumbai crowd.
Did they have the right ....may be yes....they can....everyone has a right to be boorish, to show they are frustrated.....whether they care how it affects others or not is again their own wish just as disliking/ignoring them is my wish.
The moot point is how something like this affects the person in question and why. How many times people love it when we are appreciated in public by their teachers, parents, managers and others but the moment they make a mistake happens and they are made to look like fools again in public. So which is the truth the applause or the booing. May be both because its directed towards an achievement and a blunder...to those who mostly take part in this cheering and booing you as a person has no real meaning.
All this brought to mind is how much most people wish to be applauded by a nameless faceless crowd collectively termed as world but its too late when they realize what they’ll cherish and what will always remain is not that applause that makes you feel for a moment the greatest person on earth.........
What is eternal and lasting is that affection ,the love of those people whom would love us as we are and as we move with life, not those who will cheer us in success and boo us in failure.
Earlier i remember before KBC happened every TV channel and newspaper worth its name was doing spoofs of Amitabh, his age his dances with Shilpa Shetty and Manisha Koirala which agreed was pathetic but the spoofs some of them were really cheap and insulting.
He succeeded again and now he is revered and every damn anchor who made fun of him says he is the greatest inspiration/admirable person in their life...and he again is the greatest actor.
Nothing will last for ever as it is and the collective applause of the public/world is very fickle....Out there
“Nothing succeeds like success” but what good is success if all your life is a struggle to go on proving yourself.
Its best to live for oneself or for person/people for whom you are just a person not a success/failure.
Certainly success should have a place in ones life but associating it with applause from the whole world,
or the whole organization or as they say “everyone should be proud of you” is just nonsense. Theres no harm in enjoying applause...its just that beleiving in it is no help and most dangerous is beleiving it will last.
As is rightly said
“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." --Bill Cosby
In fact even pleasing a few is hard the fatal mistake is by people who try pleasing everybody and end up pleasing nobody.
This post has nothing to do with cricket or Tendulkar as much as i enjoyed watching them both but yes it came to mind when i heard (its been very long since i watched them with as much passion as it used to be once.......now its just tracked on the web and news) about the booing by the Mumbai crowd.
Did they have the right ....may be yes....they can....everyone has a right to be boorish, to show they are frustrated.....whether they care how it affects others or not is again their own wish just as disliking/ignoring them is my wish.
The moot point is how something like this affects the person in question and why. How many times people love it when we are appreciated in public by their teachers, parents, managers and others but the moment they make a mistake happens and they are made to look like fools again in public. So which is the truth the applause or the booing. May be both because its directed towards an achievement and a blunder...to those who mostly take part in this cheering and booing you as a person has no real meaning.
All this brought to mind is how much most people wish to be applauded by a nameless faceless crowd collectively termed as world but its too late when they realize what they’ll cherish and what will always remain is not that applause that makes you feel for a moment the greatest person on earth.........
What is eternal and lasting is that affection ,the love of those people whom would love us as we are and as we move with life, not those who will cheer us in success and boo us in failure.
Earlier i remember before KBC happened every TV channel and newspaper worth its name was doing spoofs of Amitabh, his age his dances with Shilpa Shetty and Manisha Koirala which agreed was pathetic but the spoofs some of them were really cheap and insulting.
He succeeded again and now he is revered and every damn anchor who made fun of him says he is the greatest inspiration/admirable person in their life...and he again is the greatest actor.
Nothing will last for ever as it is and the collective applause of the public/world is very fickle....Out there
“Nothing succeeds like success” but what good is success if all your life is a struggle to go on proving yourself.
Its best to live for oneself or for person/people for whom you are just a person not a success/failure.
Certainly success should have a place in ones life but associating it with applause from the whole world,
or the whole organization or as they say “everyone should be proud of you” is just nonsense. Theres no harm in enjoying applause...its just that beleiving in it is no help and most dangerous is beleiving it will last.
As is rightly said
“I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." --Bill Cosby
In fact even pleasing a few is hard the fatal mistake is by people who try pleasing everybody and end up pleasing nobody.
Friday, March 24, 2006
I could......
I just was reading my previous post coz i dont feel like doing anything better....i can do hmm well so many things but i just dont feel like any.So here i am at it again and i found the post ecccentric...exactly ...exactly what i feel most of the time.
I could go and pull out some Professional books and read to help me improve my technical knowledge but i start imagining things when with technical and reference books.(they ignite the imaginative and artistic part of my brain rather than the side they are supposed to use which is actually turned off and hence i am lost.).
I could go ahead and read a novel but i feel tired to read esp im in midst of not very easy novel and may miss out on parts which i dont want to.
I could try to dust off some books from the distance education course i enrolled and read rather than complaing during hectic exams that its hard....but then i guess i m never inspired without the exam hall ticket...to read for an exam(Old habits die hard).I actually need to sleep but somehow its lost on me these days which is why i am all the more nonsensical.I could go and arrange the mess i have made of my shelves but it seems too much of a task and anyway from someone who beleived in arranging and cataloging things ive grown to someone who thinks if things are messy you'll ever find something interesting tumble out......ah what does life do to people.I could mail a few people but i am in a very generous mood and dont want to subject people who have better things to do to compulsory reading.I could ask if my mom needs any general help but wont dare coz the list she may reel out will kill me and so i better be the hard hearted hopeless daughter .I could listen to some music but after a day when i had enough of it on headphones at office i prefer Silence.
I could sit down and look back at memories.......yeah smile for 1 hour and then drench myself in saline stuff...there are places in my mind i try not to tresspass deliberately.
I could sit down think what to do with my life but thats like getting into quicksand.......
I could just sit down and relax but i know then id simply be writing this post in my mind .....so i thought i better write it as i can now.... unlike oh so many times when those thoughts kind of evaporate......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S: this post look just like my life.....
I could have.......
If only...................
but to me it looks just as funny.....
after a point Tragedy seems Comedy
I just was reading my previous post coz i dont feel like doing anything better....i can do hmm well so many things but i just dont feel like any.So here i am at it again and i found the post ecccentric...exactly ...exactly what i feel most of the time.
I could go and pull out some Professional books and read to help me improve my technical knowledge but i start imagining things when with technical and reference books.(they ignite the imaginative and artistic part of my brain rather than the side they are supposed to use which is actually turned off and hence i am lost.).
I could go ahead and read a novel but i feel tired to read esp im in midst of not very easy novel and may miss out on parts which i dont want to.
I could try to dust off some books from the distance education course i enrolled and read rather than complaing during hectic exams that its hard....but then i guess i m never inspired without the exam hall ticket...to read for an exam(Old habits die hard).I actually need to sleep but somehow its lost on me these days which is why i am all the more nonsensical.I could go and arrange the mess i have made of my shelves but it seems too much of a task and anyway from someone who beleived in arranging and cataloging things ive grown to someone who thinks if things are messy you'll ever find something interesting tumble out......ah what does life do to people.I could mail a few people but i am in a very generous mood and dont want to subject people who have better things to do to compulsory reading.I could ask if my mom needs any general help but wont dare coz the list she may reel out will kill me and so i better be the hard hearted hopeless daughter .I could listen to some music but after a day when i had enough of it on headphones at office i prefer Silence.
I could sit down and look back at memories.......yeah smile for 1 hour and then drench myself in saline stuff...there are places in my mind i try not to tresspass deliberately.
I could sit down think what to do with my life but thats like getting into quicksand.......
I could just sit down and relax but i know then id simply be writing this post in my mind .....so i thought i better write it as i can now.... unlike oh so many times when those thoughts kind of evaporate......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
P.S: this post look just like my life.....
I could have.......
If only...................
but to me it looks just as funny.....
after a point Tragedy seems Comedy
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Random niggles of a day like everyday
I dont know...its not like i mind but sometimes when people repeat it again and againand some times with no apparent reason...it does upset you.But then again its too trifle compared to bigger headaches of life but then a problem is a problem and a niggle is a niggle.They dont go away ...they get to you differently yet surely.And little niggling things with no apparent solution sometimes get to you...............everytime i speak friends or rather colleagues r like shhhhh.....i know i have a loud voice...one reason being i do speak at a lesser volume but somehow then it becomes less audible and non-understandable.I am at my best when i am sharp ...loud and clear but in offices i guess its always shhhhhhh.Sometimes its necessary esp after that terrible incident in the lift described in previous post but using it as an excuse to say dont speak loud when i am not speaking loudly also kind of puts you off.....because its ingrained in their mind that i speak loudly .
Sometimes its amazing how hurt kind of spirals in a way.Ive seen it so many times and today it was yet again.Its at the moot no one's fault yet we both kind of felt bad.I was working on something at which V is very good.Actually she's pretty good at whatever technical she takes up...i am someone who likes to appreciate and she's really bright and helping too though a bit short tempered(a trait we share).
Ive been working on it too for some time but as i had once written a poetry my virtual memory is too low and when i am surrounded by someone who has such a sharp memory i take advantage and dont hesitate to keep asking......."whats that command"," what steps to connect to this.." .she sometimes will get angry...that i had said it nah and while she gets irritated and i know its my fault to never memorize it (so i try to make a note of it but i miss out somestuff or other...and if i remember also i doubt myself a very bad trait...i just like 2 opinions and then doing my own thing)...but in the end it never lasted the feeling of my by being scorned or her being irritated.
Today when i asked her something she was replying and then saying " If you still have a doubt...then go to the properties file.......and check there"Now when she said this our PL who passed by heard it and V being someone who joined as a young talkative fresher last year and they like to say a word or two to them just for fun(which i dont understand) said laughing as ever whats that..."if you have a doubt....only then ..... why cant you just go and show it to her it will take a minute".
I knew it instantly her thought would have been "i always help everyone here........yet he says like that".In fact she left for training in the next few minutes and then smsd me (which she rarely does) if i had given in the correct inputs for some stuff which i usually give but now she probably felt it was her responsibility so she cross checked.Hmm they are people who have so much respect for authority and position and then some who have none....and we co-exist.
It might have been nothing but i knew it at that moment she took it to heart and what she did and how she spoke the rest of the day made me feel upset whole day as much as i could see the pattern.It kind of was no one's fault and we'll get over it as ever but it makes you mull about life and and its twisted ways.
All this after a day when me n V slipped off from office(possible now as manager off to the greener shores else it'd be like impossible at our place ) to catch "Pride and Prejudice" just coz fed up of having no real work....just for three days....wonder how do benchers at some of the illustrious companies manage with months of no work???
I dont know...its not like i mind but sometimes when people repeat it again and againand some times with no apparent reason...it does upset you.But then again its too trifle compared to bigger headaches of life but then a problem is a problem and a niggle is a niggle.They dont go away ...they get to you differently yet surely.And little niggling things with no apparent solution sometimes get to you...............everytime i speak friends or rather colleagues r like shhhhh.....i know i have a loud voice...one reason being i do speak at a lesser volume but somehow then it becomes less audible and non-understandable.I am at my best when i am sharp ...loud and clear but in offices i guess its always shhhhhhh.Sometimes its necessary esp after that terrible incident in the lift described in previous post but using it as an excuse to say dont speak loud when i am not speaking loudly also kind of puts you off.....because its ingrained in their mind that i speak loudly .
Sometimes its amazing how hurt kind of spirals in a way.Ive seen it so many times and today it was yet again.Its at the moot no one's fault yet we both kind of felt bad.I was working on something at which V is very good.Actually she's pretty good at whatever technical she takes up...i am someone who likes to appreciate and she's really bright and helping too though a bit short tempered(a trait we share).
Ive been working on it too for some time but as i had once written a poetry my virtual memory is too low and when i am surrounded by someone who has such a sharp memory i take advantage and dont hesitate to keep asking......."whats that command"," what steps to connect to this.." .she sometimes will get angry...that i had said it nah and while she gets irritated and i know its my fault to never memorize it (so i try to make a note of it but i miss out somestuff or other...and if i remember also i doubt myself a very bad trait...i just like 2 opinions and then doing my own thing)...but in the end it never lasted the feeling of my by being scorned or her being irritated.
Today when i asked her something she was replying and then saying " If you still have a doubt...then go to the properties file.......and check there"Now when she said this our PL who passed by heard it and V being someone who joined as a young talkative fresher last year and they like to say a word or two to them just for fun(which i dont understand) said laughing as ever whats that..."if you have a doubt....only then ..... why cant you just go and show it to her it will take a minute".
I knew it instantly her thought would have been "i always help everyone here........yet he says like that".In fact she left for training in the next few minutes and then smsd me (which she rarely does) if i had given in the correct inputs for some stuff which i usually give but now she probably felt it was her responsibility so she cross checked.Hmm they are people who have so much respect for authority and position and then some who have none....and we co-exist.
It might have been nothing but i knew it at that moment she took it to heart and what she did and how she spoke the rest of the day made me feel upset whole day as much as i could see the pattern.It kind of was no one's fault and we'll get over it as ever but it makes you mull about life and and its twisted ways.
All this after a day when me n V slipped off from office(possible now as manager off to the greener shores else it'd be like impossible at our place ) to catch "Pride and Prejudice" just coz fed up of having no real work....just for three days....wonder how do benchers at some of the illustrious companies manage with months of no work???
Sunday, March 19, 2006
A book and an obsession and me
There are books and oh so many books.Some are special to everyone....not because they are classics or good books....some unread books too can be special........ The reason being they touch you somewhere ...or trigger a special memory......or just leave you perplexed......and then there are people who cite how one book changed their life.
I guess that one thing i am safe from.
But this week as i looked back at a book i had bought some four years ago at a very dark time of life.......it was bought as i buy things mostly by intuition.
I particularly recall a joke by friends on this habit...it was a tease but it was executed so well that i still smile when i think of it....We had gone shopping the three of us and R was the only one who was sure of buying something. the two of us were like if we like something. So as we shopped and went in and out of shops and i just was like in 5 minutes out saying lets go nothing here...they were like ok what do you want....what kind of dress are you looking for sequins....embroidery and all i could say is something i will like.....and they teased me endlessly yeah she shook look at it and love it....that’s how she will shop and strangely thats true thats how i shop. There’s no reason to my madness.I am amazed at how quickly in one glance my sister can judge the cut the flow and fit color and all that.I am like hooked onto something say the colour or duppatta and and i ignore everything else.
I was thinking how all i do is by default.I never can be clear about what i want...because i always am clarifying what i dont want.....probably thats my problem.
Neverthless getting back to the book.....I had read the First Impressions on it in The Hindu and thats all but one day i just saw it at the store (i too am like many book lovers with a fetish for covers) and as i just held it and flipped through i bought it.Its called “A Himalayan Love Story “ by Namita Gokhale. I will not review it or anything there’s enough such stuff if one googles.I just interpret my reaction and memories with it.....and i have a very strong one actually associated.This book somehow brought together two things i kind of get passionate about Books and Flowers.
Today as i look and think i guess the book is kinda ok.......good if you are someone who reads Indian fiction and such stuff else many people may be bored by it.
Like everyone has their crazy thing i always have a thing about finding out names of flowers...even though i did not study Botany and know no one who does....people still say come on...did you study engineering or Botany.
But before this book mine was limited to only some general flowers not poinsettias and such.The book is set in a hilly setting of Kumaon and Nainital and hence the author beautifully talks all along of flowers....and uses the Hindi names of some .This kind of made me want to find out the English names of all the flower names i knew in hindi and vice versa.
It kind of became an obsession that time.It was a time when internet was very expensive and i was jobless and yet i somehow saved some bucks from the little i had left after spending money buying such books though......i was really a bit strange...actually am.
There was a reference to magnolia flower and tree w.r.t heroine’s house throughout the book and while i seemed to have heard and known it i could not place it.....and did i spend time and effort on just finding it out heck.
I loved flowers always though i never make huge issue about it but my obsession with finding out their names kind of grew a lot after this book.I had enrolled for a part time course in Communication Engg which i never finished or rather attempted (just blew up the bucks) but i had some wonderful time in the University library looking at books on Flowers and reading Rushdie and Vikram Seth.
Then there’s the opening passage of the book.
“I have always recognized that i carry an emptiness inside me, although i did not first understand it.When i was a child i would look at other faces, at their ordinary expressions of laughter and sadness and tears, and wonder at the ease with which they juggled these masks about. All i ever felt was a constant festering sense of anger and unease. I felt trapped inside my skin and bone and circumstance, and for this reason i began at a very early age to avoid people.”
I felt it was what i could write of myself then and strangely do even now....though i do have to learnt with huge difficulty to carry at least a few masks....it leaves me uneasy and angry and so i guess i blog.
There are books and oh so many books.Some are special to everyone....not because they are classics or good books....some unread books too can be special........ The reason being they touch you somewhere ...or trigger a special memory......or just leave you perplexed......and then there are people who cite how one book changed their life.
I guess that one thing i am safe from.
But this week as i looked back at a book i had bought some four years ago at a very dark time of life.......it was bought as i buy things mostly by intuition.
I particularly recall a joke by friends on this habit...it was a tease but it was executed so well that i still smile when i think of it....We had gone shopping the three of us and R was the only one who was sure of buying something. the two of us were like if we like something. So as we shopped and went in and out of shops and i just was like in 5 minutes out saying lets go nothing here...they were like ok what do you want....what kind of dress are you looking for sequins....embroidery and all i could say is something i will like.....and they teased me endlessly yeah she shook look at it and love it....that’s how she will shop and strangely thats true thats how i shop. There’s no reason to my madness.I am amazed at how quickly in one glance my sister can judge the cut the flow and fit color and all that.I am like hooked onto something say the colour or duppatta and and i ignore everything else.
I was thinking how all i do is by default.I never can be clear about what i want...because i always am clarifying what i dont want.....probably thats my problem.
Neverthless getting back to the book.....I had read the First Impressions on it in The Hindu and thats all but one day i just saw it at the store (i too am like many book lovers with a fetish for covers) and as i just held it and flipped through i bought it.Its called “A Himalayan Love Story “ by Namita Gokhale. I will not review it or anything there’s enough such stuff if one googles.I just interpret my reaction and memories with it.....and i have a very strong one actually associated.This book somehow brought together two things i kind of get passionate about Books and Flowers.
Today as i look and think i guess the book is kinda ok.......good if you are someone who reads Indian fiction and such stuff else many people may be bored by it.
Like everyone has their crazy thing i always have a thing about finding out names of flowers...even though i did not study Botany and know no one who does....people still say come on...did you study engineering or Botany.
But before this book mine was limited to only some general flowers not poinsettias and such.The book is set in a hilly setting of Kumaon and Nainital and hence the author beautifully talks all along of flowers....and uses the Hindi names of some .This kind of made me want to find out the English names of all the flower names i knew in hindi and vice versa.
It kind of became an obsession that time.It was a time when internet was very expensive and i was jobless and yet i somehow saved some bucks from the little i had left after spending money buying such books though......i was really a bit strange...actually am.
There was a reference to magnolia flower and tree w.r.t heroine’s house throughout the book and while i seemed to have heard and known it i could not place it.....and did i spend time and effort on just finding it out heck.
I loved flowers always though i never make huge issue about it but my obsession with finding out their names kind of grew a lot after this book.I had enrolled for a part time course in Communication Engg which i never finished or rather attempted (just blew up the bucks) but i had some wonderful time in the University library looking at books on Flowers and reading Rushdie and Vikram Seth.
Then there’s the opening passage of the book.
“I have always recognized that i carry an emptiness inside me, although i did not first understand it.When i was a child i would look at other faces, at their ordinary expressions of laughter and sadness and tears, and wonder at the ease with which they juggled these masks about. All i ever felt was a constant festering sense of anger and unease. I felt trapped inside my skin and bone and circumstance, and for this reason i began at a very early age to avoid people.”
I felt it was what i could write of myself then and strangely do even now....though i do have to learnt with huge difficulty to carry at least a few masks....it leaves me uneasy and angry and so i guess i blog.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Life's KALEIDOSCOPE and my Varied reading
My initial reading pattern actually was not the normal one...most people graduate from comics to nancy drew and famous five to Agatha Christie,mushy novels, Mills and Boon...popular fiction like Grisham, Archer , Sheldon.....Ayn Rand, Richard Bach etc and on to better stuff.
I started off differently....Readers Digest....Russian Childrens Novels, Nancy Drew(Oh i owe Carolyn Keene and i will write a post on this), and then went on to Jeffrey Archer and Ayn Rand and Grisham.Then i read Sheldon a bit...and then Richard Bach and then mushy of the likes of novels Danielle Steel and finally sick of life went on to Mills and Boon(Esp the blue covered Modern Romances....others are extremes they bore too much....they make no sense anyway but what the heck they are so stress releiving you just dont think....and a story just glides through and you fall asleep).
But that was then.....now i am stable at literary stuff mostly Indian Fiction or Literary stuff.
I read Danielle Steel books when in college....till i outgrew her or may be got fed up
Have a few novels of hers unfortunately not my favorites
I mean we friends thought she had a sadism the way she almost always kills the hero in the novel and the second one's characterisation never matches up the way she starts off about the original hero.
Its this thing that irritated the most but also over a time reading the same stuff bores you...i of course intersped reading her with Archer so i got through till i was saturated.
Anyway i read a lot of her books and some of them i think are extremely beautiful......
My favorites are The Ranch, Ghost, Granny Dan, The Promise, ........ and somei cant get the names and many others which i do like .... like say Zoya ,at least as i remember them as liking them a decade ago.......can't remember the finer details.though there is one book i think one should strictly stay off if you dont want to slip into depression.
Its too dark .... its about abuse...its called 'Malice' and its real mood turn off and depressive.
Anyway it is here i was thinking women have a distinct advantage over men with respect to books.Women can happily enjoy detective stories, Science fiction(only genre that i keep off but i know girls who love it), legal thrillers and all the genres by any author and of course sappy stories, romances, sentimental stuff ....unlike men (exceptions are the norm ) who just cannot enjoy most novels by women or women centric books.
I have a few of them still, as most of them were from library..neverthless i was arranging my stuff and things tumbled out.
I had written so beautifully in cursive handwriting a poem from one of her books called Kaledioscope...
I remember the storyline very lightly or rather hardly ...its about 3 sisters or so...what i remember is one of them unfortunately has an unhappy ending and an unhappy life throughout.
KALEIDOSCOPE means a constantly changing set of colors produced by an instrument.
the poem is beautiful and i always remember it esp the last five lines .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To deepest dusk,
from morning sun
to twilight dreams
fantastic schemes
and lives that go awry
such shining hopes
such sudden twists from
bright to dark
from grim to grand
from joy to sorrow
always waiting for tommorow
and a twist of fate
a ray of hope
with the faintest sleight of hand
the alteration of all of life's schemes
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life's KALEIDOSCOPE.
Danielle Steel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My initial reading pattern actually was not the normal one...most people graduate from comics to nancy drew and famous five to Agatha Christie,mushy novels, Mills and Boon...popular fiction like Grisham, Archer , Sheldon.....Ayn Rand, Richard Bach etc and on to better stuff.
I started off differently....Readers Digest....Russian Childrens Novels, Nancy Drew(Oh i owe Carolyn Keene and i will write a post on this), and then went on to Jeffrey Archer and Ayn Rand and Grisham.Then i read Sheldon a bit...and then Richard Bach and then mushy of the likes of novels Danielle Steel and finally sick of life went on to Mills and Boon(Esp the blue covered Modern Romances....others are extremes they bore too much....they make no sense anyway but what the heck they are so stress releiving you just dont think....and a story just glides through and you fall asleep).
But that was then.....now i am stable at literary stuff mostly Indian Fiction or Literary stuff.
I read Danielle Steel books when in college....till i outgrew her or may be got fed up
Have a few novels of hers unfortunately not my favorites
I mean we friends thought she had a sadism the way she almost always kills the hero in the novel and the second one's characterisation never matches up the way she starts off about the original hero.
Its this thing that irritated the most but also over a time reading the same stuff bores you...i of course intersped reading her with Archer so i got through till i was saturated.
Anyway i read a lot of her books and some of them i think are extremely beautiful......
My favorites are The Ranch, Ghost, Granny Dan, The Promise, ........ and somei cant get the names and many others which i do like .... like say Zoya ,at least as i remember them as liking them a decade ago.......can't remember the finer details.though there is one book i think one should strictly stay off if you dont want to slip into depression.
Its too dark .... its about abuse...its called 'Malice' and its real mood turn off and depressive.
Anyway it is here i was thinking women have a distinct advantage over men with respect to books.Women can happily enjoy detective stories, Science fiction(only genre that i keep off but i know girls who love it), legal thrillers and all the genres by any author and of course sappy stories, romances, sentimental stuff ....unlike men (exceptions are the norm ) who just cannot enjoy most novels by women or women centric books.
I have a few of them still, as most of them were from library..neverthless i was arranging my stuff and things tumbled out.
I had written so beautifully in cursive handwriting a poem from one of her books called Kaledioscope...
I remember the storyline very lightly or rather hardly ...its about 3 sisters or so...what i remember is one of them unfortunately has an unhappy ending and an unhappy life throughout.
KALEIDOSCOPE means a constantly changing set of colors produced by an instrument.
the poem is beautiful and i always remember it esp the last five lines .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To deepest dusk,
from morning sun
to twilight dreams
fantastic schemes
and lives that go awry
such shining hopes
such sudden twists from
bright to dark
from grim to grand
from joy to sorrow
always waiting for tommorow
and a twist of fate
a ray of hope
with the faintest sleight of hand
the alteration of all of life's schemes
and all its scope..
all with one tiny turn
of life's KALEIDOSCOPE.
Danielle Steel
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, March 09, 2006
A hopeless feel of life
Nothings worse than self doubt.It sometimes though creeps in and destroys you.And then in such times when you see darkness around in life it simply adds on to the worst .Its very hard ....its not as much about anything....its simply when you feel for a time that you are worthless and the world can do without you.I guess the world can do without anyone actually even the so called best people but still there are timeswhen you just feel if only you could avoid this mess called life and its everyday duties....of living.
I dont know ...there are people i dont like much but it seems bad when you see how one can be the victim of circumstances even in those people. There was an analysis on and someone had asked me ok you read the document i mailed you tell us what was in there and i just spoke what i remembered first....I said the problem to be analysed had to be specified in a positive way. Now a manager there she immediately spoke out instinctively" its a problem and what positive is there".......then she clammed up and said "ok yeah so what shall we phrase it as to be positive?."I sensed it immediately only some one who can understand the negative side of life could see it ...even i think the same why do we have to put it that positive way if its that bad.
With time i got it...thats the way the world likes it............ rose colored glasses......else we wont be able to go on.
Sometimes even nice things and nice people hurt...Its kind of like that....I have friends who speak condemning things, life of others but simply turn a blind eye when i am doing the same thing or at the same position...I dont know how to take it.Do they really dont see it or do they make an exception for me....is it sympathy.....or what. sometimes its just as that song goes. Everybody hurts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold onHold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Nothings worse than self doubt.It sometimes though creeps in and destroys you.And then in such times when you see darkness around in life it simply adds on to the worst .Its very hard ....its not as much about anything....its simply when you feel for a time that you are worthless and the world can do without you.I guess the world can do without anyone actually even the so called best people but still there are timeswhen you just feel if only you could avoid this mess called life and its everyday duties....of living.
I dont know ...there are people i dont like much but it seems bad when you see how one can be the victim of circumstances even in those people. There was an analysis on and someone had asked me ok you read the document i mailed you tell us what was in there and i just spoke what i remembered first....I said the problem to be analysed had to be specified in a positive way. Now a manager there she immediately spoke out instinctively" its a problem and what positive is there".......then she clammed up and said "ok yeah so what shall we phrase it as to be positive?."I sensed it immediately only some one who can understand the negative side of life could see it ...even i think the same why do we have to put it that positive way if its that bad.
With time i got it...thats the way the world likes it............ rose colored glasses......else we wont be able to go on.
Sometimes even nice things and nice people hurt...Its kind of like that....I have friends who speak condemning things, life of others but simply turn a blind eye when i am doing the same thing or at the same position...I dont know how to take it.Do they really dont see it or do they make an exception for me....is it sympathy.....or what. sometimes its just as that song goes. Everybody hurts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong.
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand.
Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,Everybody cries.
And everybody hurts sometimes And everybody hurts sometimes.
So, hold on, hold onHold on, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Impetuous Me
I seem to have lost my senses .....if i had any i mean i guess i should become more serious and what they say responsible behavior or mature but i do myself no favor on any counts these days and it really happened bad this day...i feel so very stupid....though it seemed quite funny to all.
Well in my group of four in team who hang out together all the 3 others are freshers i.e. 2004 passouts ....i dont hang out much with the senior group whose greatest interest i.e domestic problems are too much for me to be of any use to make conversation.
So they being quite younger than me i tease them well and they take it quite well but i guess i should be more restricted and not impetuous and outspoken (i tend to become that after i stay at any place for 1 year scaring people who have seen me at the begining of the year as the quietest person around).....at least if i want to move up this damned corporate ladder (Do I is a question i often ask).
I was teasing V about a Tool called Silk she was attending training for...teased the daylights out of her calling her “Silk Silk” since morning.
So three of us were moving down by lift in the evening and i was talking about some issue with the manager and a chap got into the lift.V called my name in a way (she meant me to shut up completely...she said later)and i thought we had to switch topic and i started teasing her immediately again “Silk Silk” and that too with a accent and raised eyebrows.
The guy simply walked out with a smile saying “you wanna learn come......”
I was left perplexed....V was like “o god u r impossible....He ‘s a Sr Manager and the only chap here who has any knowledge of Silk Tool”.
I really wanted to leave for the day......i hate coincidences...i was sure.....feeling sick of myself.
Respect i think comes hard to me... u’ve to earn it.. I mean i cant just respect someone because he has a designation or because he’s a few years older.... neither do i expect people to respect me just coz i am older or have..... some position.
Its a old problem with me ...quite old.
Actually i got a dressing down in school class VIII with respect to this...My English teacher asked me to stand up one day and told me in front of the whole class....
” you should learn manners ...you should say good morning to your teachers when you see them outside the class”...i knew she wanted that but was stunned to be told that in class.
I have this problem will not say hi and good morning for formality sake....I do try to get over it esp in this corporate world but it does not come naturally to me....have to remember and have eye contact then i say it.....just saying hi with not even a glance is not my cuppa tea.
Its the same here at office in our small coffee room with a platform on which we perch i just keep sitting whoever walks in while all my respectful company will stand up to attention....when the PL walks in....never any Good mornings or Goodbyes unless its a direct communication or eye contact.
I sometimes dont even acknowledge the presence of some people(currently my PL after my awful pay discussion) ............sometimes because i am uncomfortable ....sometimes because i prefer it that way and sometimes because I am at a loss of any sane look, word or expression.I have that block...whatever such a block is called.
So all day i was pondering .......
As it is i am left behind in this race..As it is i am not suited to this corporate hypocrisy but.....if....and all that
“i should be more serious ....always look like at work even i have none.
Take serious trainings.....not discussions as i call them.............Give lectures about the importance of this that........beleive in it or not”
and all that senior person fundas....but then i guess with time i’ll get over it......
back to square one “ Who the heck cares ”.....thats my natural instinct i think.
I realise i just am not into it......i am a mess and no solution i could find....till now at least..................if it was not for money and if i could get some help and luck on it i’d be happy with a flower or a book shop..........i think.
(I so want to put these quotes at my desk but then thats all i will need to be told why my pay packet is light.....so i put them on my blog)
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”.....
Absolutely Absolutely i say.......but what is the excuse for my stupidity i wonder...................
its becoming terrible now ....so are my posts.
I seem to have lost my senses .....if i had any i mean i guess i should become more serious and what they say responsible behavior or mature but i do myself no favor on any counts these days and it really happened bad this day...i feel so very stupid....though it seemed quite funny to all.
Well in my group of four in team who hang out together all the 3 others are freshers i.e. 2004 passouts ....i dont hang out much with the senior group whose greatest interest i.e domestic problems are too much for me to be of any use to make conversation.
So they being quite younger than me i tease them well and they take it quite well but i guess i should be more restricted and not impetuous and outspoken (i tend to become that after i stay at any place for 1 year scaring people who have seen me at the begining of the year as the quietest person around).....at least if i want to move up this damned corporate ladder (Do I is a question i often ask).
I was teasing V about a Tool called Silk she was attending training for...teased the daylights out of her calling her “Silk Silk” since morning.
So three of us were moving down by lift in the evening and i was talking about some issue with the manager and a chap got into the lift.V called my name in a way (she meant me to shut up completely...she said later)and i thought we had to switch topic and i started teasing her immediately again “Silk Silk” and that too with a accent and raised eyebrows.
The guy simply walked out with a smile saying “you wanna learn come......”
I was left perplexed....V was like “o god u r impossible....He ‘s a Sr Manager and the only chap here who has any knowledge of Silk Tool”.
I really wanted to leave for the day......i hate coincidences...i was sure.....feeling sick of myself.
Respect i think comes hard to me... u’ve to earn it.. I mean i cant just respect someone because he has a designation or because he’s a few years older.... neither do i expect people to respect me just coz i am older or have..... some position.
Its a old problem with me ...quite old.
Actually i got a dressing down in school class VIII with respect to this...My English teacher asked me to stand up one day and told me in front of the whole class....
” you should learn manners ...you should say good morning to your teachers when you see them outside the class”...i knew she wanted that but was stunned to be told that in class.
I have this problem will not say hi and good morning for formality sake....I do try to get over it esp in this corporate world but it does not come naturally to me....have to remember and have eye contact then i say it.....just saying hi with not even a glance is not my cuppa tea.
Its the same here at office in our small coffee room with a platform on which we perch i just keep sitting whoever walks in while all my respectful company will stand up to attention....when the PL walks in....never any Good mornings or Goodbyes unless its a direct communication or eye contact.
I sometimes dont even acknowledge the presence of some people(currently my PL after my awful pay discussion) ............sometimes because i am uncomfortable ....sometimes because i prefer it that way and sometimes because I am at a loss of any sane look, word or expression.I have that block...whatever such a block is called.
So all day i was pondering .......
As it is i am left behind in this race..As it is i am not suited to this corporate hypocrisy but.....if....and all that
“i should be more serious ....always look like at work even i have none.
Take serious trainings.....not discussions as i call them.............Give lectures about the importance of this that........beleive in it or not”
and all that senior person fundas....but then i guess with time i’ll get over it......
back to square one “ Who the heck cares ”.....thats my natural instinct i think.
I realise i just am not into it......i am a mess and no solution i could find....till now at least..................if it was not for money and if i could get some help and luck on it i’d be happy with a flower or a book shop..........i think.
(I so want to put these quotes at my desk but then thats all i will need to be told why my pay packet is light.....so i put them on my blog)
“Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.”.....
Absolutely Absolutely i say.......but what is the excuse for my stupidity i wonder...................
its becoming terrible now ....so are my posts.
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